Initiation chat?

[En****]

I was talking to an ex colleague recently, who I know is into her kink, and the she mentioned she'd be livid if someone over stepped her limits. 

Fair play  - an instant red flag for someone who goes against the rules of engagement. 

The what? She said as she squinted at me

You know, the rules of engagement chat, you have before you first start playing together. 

*puzzled silence*

When you first engage a partner for play, after the initial pre amble, do you not have a 5 - 10 min conversation over rules of engagement for play? 

No

You mean you never discuss up front things like

Roles, Limits, Kinks, Turn Offs, Hounourifics and safe word? 

Errrrm, no. I've never done that. We kind of work it out as we go

*Cue me, gob aghast, in stunned silence*... Well, we'll, then how do you know if hes gonna overstep a limit or not.... before he does..... Then you're not happy???!! 

So this leads to an interesting question or two. 

Which side are you on?

The upfront Rules of Engagement

or

The unscripted voyage of discovery? 

Also if a potential partner chose to take  the opposite route, would that be important to you? 

Answers on a postcard..... 

TL;DR - Do you discuss roles, boundaries, kinks, safe words with a new play partner before you engage in any play? 

 

[Deleted Member]

I am 100% on a conversation ahead of time. Even with regular play partners or relationships/dynamics, it is so important to check in to see if anything has changed, how the other person is feeling, what they’re in the mood for…

But without knowing the other person it is even more important.

Making assumptions is a sure fire way to get the Top/Dom in trouble for *** and the bottom/sub traumatised or injured.

[Ni****]

I'd say both. I absolutely will discuss limits, safe word / gesture, etc. before any meet / hands-on play, and would be wary of anyone who doesn''t want to do the same. But for the actual meet I will have an outline of toys, equipment, locations, etc. in my head, but everything is fluid and changeable

[my****]

I’ve never heard of it called the rules of engagement. I’m not flying freedom of navigation near a disputed border with another country.

Yes, before I am ever in the same room with a girl I know her limits, her likes, at least some of her ***s, a lot of her past experiences. That information gives me the boundaries for the play. Like a canvas and then I get to ***t on that canvas.

[my****]

It’s funny how p a I n t is blocked.

[Ho****]

Limits hard and soft, safewords (on both sides), absolutely must be agreed in a sober clothes-on conversation before play. Calmly enough to be sure that ambiguities and misunderstandings are ironed out.

How can someone be responsible for harm done if they weren't told what was OK and not OK? Or the flipside: now can you be sure they'll stop the instant you need them to, if you haven't talked through what you need?

Not being sure of your limits or how you'll feel about something is fair enough, but that makes the discussion even more essential. And checking in with each other, during. It's so easy to misread body language in the heat of the moment.

Communication is all.

[Sp****]

I like to discuss limits, likes, dislikes, etc first because I don't feel of comfortable flirting until I know it's out of the way. I also have control issues bc I'm a sub who is in responsible for a lot in life in vanilla-land. Knowing everything is mapped out first let's me be extra kinky later bc I know I can let go easier since my play partner has confirmed it denied about certain things. I also have a pause rule for the first time of play and after if the person likes It. During play was can call pause and move out of character if a question needs to be asked or a role needs to be rediscussed. Then "play" helps us resume. I've rarely had to use it, but it's nice to know we can if needed, stop and reevaluate.

[ey****]

in the scenario it depends on what the limits are and the likelihood of breaking them

if you're doing any exploratory play then as long as she keeps her wits about her to be able to say no at any ideas or attempted play then it will work.  That said, of course, in some levels of kink we don't always have wits about us.

For me a lot depends on the nature of the scene.  To be honest, it's often easier working from a whitelist then against a blacklist - i.e. these are the things we CAN do, rather than a these are the things we CAN'T

because no matter how good the 5-10 minute chat is at the start - limits are not exhaustive.

Like, even to the extent of - you might be into strap on - but there's still a maximum size you can take - a finite amount of cane strokes - so on.  There is often going to need to be communication DURING play regardless of how good your pre-chat was. 

[ru****]

Always discuss limits, boundaries and what is on/off the table before each play session. Stuff can be on the table and not done, especially if safe words are used. Stuff off the table stays off the table, always. Doesn’t matter if a partner is new or not. It should always be clearly communicated and verified what is acceptable, as this can change day to day in some cases. Doesn’t have to be a cold conversation, it can be part of the fun a build up.

[Ki****]

I don’t do pick up play but I certainly vet potential partners. So it’s not a cut and dry laundry list of activities and limits. It’s more of an ongoing conversation. 

[Bigshoty611]

I like to ask what the woman likes. That way I can go off the likes and know that those things would be good for her. If anything I would like to do. I asked do you like this or do you like that? Because sometimes you don't know what the limits are because they're not listed. So you just ask for permission before. I kind of like to ask what would be a scenario that you fantasize about and I try to make that fantasy come true. That way you kind of know what they're looking for and what they like and you can pretty much stay on script or imagine how to fulfill that fantasy, texting or talking beforehand and get to know a little bit about the person. Makes it a little bit easier when you first meet.

[DickGozinya]

Typically the hard "no's" come out when you reach the casual flirting stage. If you listen, you can easily figure out the yes, maybe and no's, I just go from there. if I am talking to someone for 10-15 mins and we start listing stuff cause we are jumping straight in the deep end, I lose interest pretty quick. It feels cold, more like a chore, and a 1 time thing... Which isn't me. Anytime I have hooked up quickly, it was pretty standard sex.

[BossDaddy9]

Submissives Welcome Respectfully and Willing,  Let's start 👏..