Taking control, praise kink and aftercare advice.

[ceebee]

Hi there! First I want to preface this with saying I'm sorry for how long this will be - I want to give context so that the advice I'm hoping to receive here can be properly applicable.

My boyfriend and I have been together for around 7 months now and have been enjoying a healthy and fulfilling sex life. I'm his first sexual partner while I have some more experience and it took some time for us to build the trust and level of comfort with each other for him to feel ready to have sex. During our relationship I've initiated several conversations to discuss things he'd be interested in trying -- at first it was mostly things about positions he wanted to try out and what helped him feel the most comfortable to engage in sexual activity together, but as our sex life and our romantic relationship has developed and our trust has deepened he's opened up about some 'kinkier' interests as well as it being obvious he has a massive praise kink.

It started with things like him admitting that edging was something he indulged in on his own and wanted to bring into our foreplay, discussing a mutual interest in choking/breathplay etc. I brought up an interest in using handcuffs and blindfolds and it's something we've tried out, both of us having turns at being 'cuffed/blindfolded, and we've really enjoyed it so far. We've kept communicating regularly about the things we've enjoyed and the things we're not so sure about, as well as the things we'd like to try still.

He's recently expressed to me that one of his sexual fantasies is being dominated in the sense of being told what to do during sex or being controlled in a sexual scenario. He has a praise kink and that will work into this to. I'm happy to try it -- I have a naturally dominant personality anyway, and I've generally been the one leading our sexual relationship as he's felt more comfortable with me taking charge so far. Most of my own fantasies are admittedly more focused on being 'used' -- I have a huge degrading dirty talk kink and a thing for being used for my partners pleasure without my own pleasure being considered, and these are things he's said he's willing to try out too -- but the idea of dominating him has excited me as well. I want to make him happy and indulge his praise kink. 

We've dipped our toes in it a little a few times, just me telling him what he can/can't do (things like he can't touch me while I'm on top, he's not allowed to try and increase the pace). We've set boundaries about things we definitely don't want to try right now (mostly anal play - it's something we're talking over at the moment) and picked out a safeword for if things get more intense. We've thoroughly enjoyed the things we've tried out so far, but I'm looking for advice on three things going forward:

1. How can I take more control? We've agreed not to jump right into the deep end of things so that we can make sure we're both enjoying everything we do, but I don't know how to take more control beyond telling him not to touch or not to move? I'd like for some ideas about things I could say/tell him to do during foreplay/sex making sure to fuel his praise kink. One of things I've been doing is denying him the opportunity to do anything to me during foreplay - he loves spending a lot of time on foreplay - and I was thinking about maybe making him watch while I take care of myself and he's not allowed to do anything to help it along, but I'd love to hear some more ideas!
2. What are some things to say while I'm taking control to assure him/let him know how good he is/feels? He has a praise kink a mile wide but I've been struggling to think of things to say beyond the regular old 'you're being so good' etc that I usually use to play into his praise kink. I'd love some advice on new things I could use for his praise kink without being repetitive.
3. What are some of your go-to aftercare tips? We always cuddle after sex since we're both some tactile people and check in after something new to make sure we were okay with everything and discuss how we felt about it, but if we do start delving into more intense play involving toys or any sensation play/pain play I'd like some ideas of what things I should consider or have ready afterwards.

Thanks in advance for your advice!! 

[Se****]

Love these questions. I have no responses but I can't wait to hear what recommendations others have!

I also have to say that it sounds like you and your partner have a really solid relationship with lots of trust and respect for each other..so so nice!

[Deleted Member]

Hi ceebee, would you mind if I sent suggestions via pm?

[Ebrit]

Someone once shared a control fantasy with me where she sat on my chest, her legs pinning my arms by my side and giving me a front row seat as she pleasured her own pussy eventually soaking my chest. The idea being I'm not allowed to touch, be touched or join in in any way. This worked both ways in that the more she got into it the more she wanted to be touched and had to control herself into not giving in as much as my own denial. It's just a gradual increase in games like this that will build your confidence as a more dominant person in the relationship.

[Deleted Member]

Control is something that has to be done subtly as well, little things like asking permission for bedtime is a way of you exerting dominance. The small things are a big step into making sure he is able to see you are in control at all times which then make the bigger things easier to do so. 
 

[Jbird-3226]

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[Deleted Member]

Ceebee it seems like you have a good grip on your relationship already 🙂

[Jinxy]

Hi ceebee, 

These are great questions! And how you're approaching it is really healthy. I love that you guys are keeping the lines of communication open. 

1. For control it's not always about denying something from him. As in the example you gave, you said you're denying him giving you foreplay. Unfortunately, this also denies you the pleasure of foreplay. One suggestion that I might make is that instead have him give you foreplay but you control what he does. You tell him how to lick you, when to finger you, etc. You can even tease him (and yourself) by having him wait close enough to lick but not allowing him until you give permission (maybe even make him beg a bit if you are into it before allowing it). The whole idea to keep in mind is not to deny yourself just to control him. If you want something, figure out a way to make him do it. Like someone else said it doesn't always have to be big things. It can be as simple as allowing him to have sex with you but he has to make you come a certain number of times before he is allowed to orgasm himself or edging him through sex by telling him when to start thrusting and when to stop (especially fun if he likes edging). Another question to ask yourself (sorry for the long answer) is if you prefer dominance or control. To me, these are separate things and if you prefer one over the other that might influence how you would like to proceed in controlling your sub. 

2. For this one, I'm with you. It can get hard sometimes to find different praise kink phrases to say that don't seem repetitive. This can be used outside and inside of play. I would maybe try to think of things that are more personal to him. Let's say he has an insecurity about something... find ways in which he proves that this isn't true in his behaviors and praise him for whatever that is. Or complimenting his body and how well it pleases and serves you will feed that praise kink.

3. Aftercare is essential so it's great that you're thinking about this. A great one to do is washing. This can either be as simple as wiping down with a wash cloth or if you have the energy after a good round, take a shower together and gently wash each other. Another idea is breathing meditation. If the session was especially intense this can help both of you come down from the high gently. Try breathing together in for 5, holding for 5, and out for 5 (if you'd like extra closeness you can be holding each other, holding hands, or resting your hand over the other person's heart).

 

Sorry for the long answer but I hope some of this was helpful! 

Jinx

[cautiousswitch]

First, don't apologize for the long post.  People who take the time to explain their situation get better answers.  The useful piece of information that you left out is whether or not the two of you are living together; answers below are based on the assumption that you are.

1 - How far in advance do you plan your play time? If time allows and you have an idea of what you intend on doing then send him a message telling him how you want things set up and make him do it (assuming what you have planned uses toys or equipment).  You can imply that if things aren't to your satisfaction then he will be putting everything away and there will be no play time; you don't have to carry through with that threat, just having it stated will make you seem more dominant.  Of course he's to set things up immediately when he arrives home, but that doesn't mean that playtime will happen immediately.  If he's not interested in being dominated outside of playtime then don't overdo it but keep your demands to things related to the coming playtime.  If he is interested in in being dominated outside of playtime then give the occasional extra command while you eat, watch TV, or do whatever else you would normally do before playtime starts.  There are things that you've already discussed, edging and sex positions, that with the right dialog can be turned into dominance activities.  Attitude and wordplay can turn a lot of vanilla activities into a dominance situation.

2 - One of the things I like about puppy play is that a well timed head rub speaks volumes for a praise kink, you don't have to do pet play for it to work either.  Likewise a moan of pleasure at the right moment can say more than words.  Incorporating a kink that you know he likes into the mix and tell him that he's earned it.  Tease him about keeping him as your slave in a way that implies it's because he did a good job.  Express concern that if other women found out about what he just did they'd try to steal him away.  Two simple words, "Oh, wow."  The big trick here is maintaining a dominant composure while expressing it (much easier to do with a head rub, which is why I led with it). 

3 - Can't answer.  Aftercare will vary from couple to couple and from situation to situation.  Personally, I think it has to be a little spontaneous.

[Th****]

On 2/13/2020 at 9:55 PM, ceebee said:

 

1. How can I take more control? We've agreed not to jump right into the deep end of things so that we can make sure we're both enjoying everything we do, but I don't know how to take more control beyond telling him not to touch or not to move? I'd like for some ideas about things I could say/tell him to do during foreplay/sex. One of things I've been doing is denying him the opportunity to do anything to me during foreplay - he loves spending a lot of time on foreplay - and I was thinking about maybe making him watch while I take care of myself and he's not allowed to do anything to help it along, but I'd love to hear some more ideas!

Both jinxy, nymph and cautious gave great answers to this point. 

I will combine these slightly. In my view the art of Dominance is in the subtle interplay between you. You run out of obvious pretty fast but subtle has the bonus of keeping him on his toes. 

Let us say that you make it his responsibility to get you your tea and coffee. At home or away. Now of course if he forgets while you are out of the house you are obviously not going to punish him then and there. You can though give a meaningful cough and a look. No one else will understand. He though will be able to think about that all day. 

As suggested you can teach him to with hold his orgasms and even to come on command. It is in your power to tease him mercilessly and not give him relief unless he begs for it well enough.

You have Total control and you seem very sensible.

On 2/13/2020 at 9:55 PM, ceebee said:

What are some things to say while I'm taking control to assure him/let him know how good he is/feels? He has a praise kink a mile wide but I've been struggling to think of things to say beyond the regular old 'you're being so good' etc. I'd love some advice on new things I could bring into this without being repetitive.

Be repetitive in play, use the same simple phrase each time. For instance "Good boy".  You can go into detail afterwards when cuddling and talking. During play you have more important factors to focus on.

 

On 2/13/2020 at 9:55 PM, ceebee said:

What are some of your go-to aftercare tips? We always cuddle after sex since we're both some tactile people and check in after something new to make sure we were okay with everything and discuss how we felt about it, but if we do start delving into more intense play involving toys or any sensation play/pain play I'd like some ideas of what things I should consider or have ready afterwards.

You may well want to acquire a pre-collected Sub Drop kit in a box somewhere. If he spaces he may drop and you can find the ingredients on google. If you have any questions fell free to drop me an IM.