How to aproach/talk to people at a kinky party

[Deleted Member]

I have troubles approaching woman on kinky partys. expacially if I want to play with them. I feel I become to shy to talk to someone I like. So instead of talking to anyone I end up dancing for 80% of the time sometimes trying to dance unto someone ( with proper distance and respect) trying to see whether she has an interested in me too. Dodnt get me wrong I LOVE dancing and people notice that. But often this resulted in me not having any success or just with one person and me dancing a lot.And if I get myself up to aproach someone all I litrally start with "hey would you like to be tied up by me?" often not getting thw kinda response i am hoping for. ( I would also be kindahappy with " no but we can chat a bit"). thats not the experience I wish for myself on these kinda Partys so I would be grateful for tips and suggestions on how to aproach someone respectfully and without making them feel uncomfortable.
thanks in advents and a haopy 4. advent :)

Val

[Deleted Member]

Eye contact, just smile and say “hi” as an opener. Leave the door open if they’re interested. It’s low-key but full-on isn’t always best.

[Deleted Member]

I'm also pretty shy, a teddy bear in most social situations until I get consent and get turned on then my dominant side comes out. Idk that id have any more luck then you at such an event but I definitely wouldn't jump the gun and ask someone if I could tie them up. Maybe "hey I couldn't help but notice you and I was hoping we could chat so we can get to know one another" then you know...chat. try to learn about the person and their kinks. I mean you know they are in the scene but peiple need to know they can trust you before they let you tie them up lol

[Di****]

I’d possibly open with a slightly more casual conversation than tying them up haha 😛 At that sort of party everyone in there for the same reason, so maybe have a light hearted chat to break the ice and then move on to kinkier things if you get along.

[Cu****]

I would have thought that it’s not a sensible idea to ask someone, straight out of the blue, if you could tie them up, even if it’s a kinky party. These are people you don’t know, never met before, and more importantly, they don’t know you either. Why do you think that such a pointed question, doesn’t get you the result that you want? How do they know you? Where’s the trust? The small talk of getting to know someone and general communicating first? Going from zero to wanting to tie someone up, is one heck of a steep learning curve. Why do you want to tie them up? Why not ask what they like experiencing, and making that the topic of conversation? Make them realise that you are interested in them, otherwise your approach is very selfish. Don’t make it about you and what you want to do. Do you have other ways of helping someone experience their interests, other than just wanting to tie someone up? Your question would make anyone uncomfortable, and you answer your own question, “no, but we can chat a bit”. That chat, begins to breakdown the wall between you and the person you have an interest in. Listen to what they’re talking about. Find out what they like experiencing. Chat, is important…and so is listening to others.

[Je****]

So don’t. Advertise instead. Wear a custom tee-shirt with something on it that says what you are about or a collar. More often than not someone will compliment you as an opener.

[lo****]

I've only been to one party a I found myself feeling the same alot of the timei was in the smoking area on my Vape but after a while I just kind of let my guard down and asked ppl at the party about there experiences and it open more ppl join the convo and I was able to get a better fell so I would try something 'hi I'm ____ and im pretty new to this and don't wanna be forward but I find u really attractive" and go from there, that u show interest and cover ur back if u mess up a lil

[TJ****]

Some great suggestions! Also... Practice in the mirror "Hi I'm ____. I think you're cute. Want to chat a while?" Makes your Interest known while giving them a graceful out if they don't feel the same.

One more suggestion since it lines up with your strength: Ask someone if they want to dance with you as an opener and see if there is real chemistry between you on the dancefloor and then take a break and see where conversation leads.

[Cu****]

Just as a further thought to help you, because no one really knows each other at a party (unless they’ve met previously), how would you feel if a female came up to you at the party and told you (not asked) that they wanted to peg you? And they produced a dildo and began to strap it to their body? If this kind of scene was completely outside of your experience, wouldn’t you want to say “no, but we can chat for a bit”? Perhaps this helps you to understand why your request of wanting to tie someone up, that you’ve never met before, is received with reticence. 

[Wi****]

My advice is simple: take the "no but we can chat a bit" as if it were already said, and then chat to them like they're just another normal kinster (hmm) at a social event. Maybe, from that you'll find some who are into the same things as you, and you can progress it further. Coming at things from a "hey, kink" approach is never right. Come at it from a "hey, person" instead.

[ey****]

I know that fetish events can vary a little bit territory (and even have different vibes in the same city) so there's no real universal answer - but

(a) if they are house staff employed by the club then they will not be taken aback by respectful requests for play.   They are not usually obligated to play, but it won't be a surprise -- I've seen people give demos as part of events and literally sign off with "if anyone wants to try, find me"

(b) in reality, however - most are not employed by a club and are just ordinary people enjoying a night out

sometimes context takes place.  I know ladies who've set up in a dungeon and generally been happy to have anyone who wants to play come and get beat. However this is of course on the understanding they are regular people enjoying a night out and other people want to play, so it's a few minutes, it's their terms, and no certainty on play

so the next thoughts are

(1) who are these people? are they strangers you've just cast eyes on for the very first time? or are they regulars at these parties?

if they're strangers then you can of course break the ice in a "I've not seen you here before" if they're regulars then "I've seen you here a few times but we've never spoke..."

in either event not necessarily diving straight out the blue to ask about play. Actually talk to them and be interested in them.

what you might find, if they are regular, is they may attend local munches and if you also attend then that is an easy way to talk outside of a club setting.

(2) what play do you want to do?

Cos if you do happen to get into a conversation and the prospect of play does come up, it's a good idea to have an idea what you might like to do - and - are prepared.  Like, if you want to do flogging and the club has communal floggers, OK, no problem. If they don't - then bring toys, regardless of if you are giving or receiving.  Showing toys to someone can be a form of icebreaker

(3) Alcohol...

Like, so there is "textbook", there is "reality" and there is what you should do somewhere between.  So text book is not to play under the influence of alcohol (either you or them) you cannot consent after drink, it impairs judgement, etc. (all valid) reality is that at these clubs sometimes things slip outside of textbook and that is the reality that people will get talking, or see someone they know, and do something despite having a few drinks. For the sake of this post, I aint judging, context is important... which it is... is the person you are planning on approaching sober enough in mind to do what you would propose? If not, it might be better having the conversation early, when sober, or "for another time" - or even, hell, you don't have to play together the first day you meet someone.

(4) Floaters

Again, regional - less of a problem up here, a big problem in London - single guys who turn up and float between woman to woman with no real convo or anything who swing or rush straight in with "can we play", and they do it because - well, a lot of women will bat them away, but others might just be "sure, whatever" either cos they've caught them at  a good time and/or because doing so might stop the person bothering everyone else.

Don't be a floater.

You can go to a club and make friends without trying to play with them all.   Then one day you'll be known and maybe everyone will want to play. 

[Deleted Member]

I’d follow the advice of just getting to know them, definitely never start with can I tie you up, treat them like a person not a piece of meat, tieing someone up takes trust, how do they know you will respect their boundaries if you can’t respect them enough to hold a regular conversation, getting to know them what they like, ask what they’re hoping to find at the party is a better step then can I tie you up. Open up their mind and listen one of the biggest mistakes and failures to listen to, you might hear them but do you listen? There is a difference between listening and hearing. A few of these guys gave great advice. Women are turned on first by the mind.

[Co****]

As others have said your current approach is zero to somewhat creep/extreme!
Always remember There is a person with their own (yet unknown you…) kinks and likes at the other end of your abrupt approach.
No matter the environment treat that person as an individual.

A better approach
1 - start with some eye contact (without the creepy staring) see if they connect with you
2 - then a smile if they do. Don’t go overboard again see if that person is in their own zone which they won’t want entered or is open to further pursuing
3 - A polite compliment - e.g. “I love the way you dance”, “I love what you’re wearing” NOTE again don’t go all creep- a body compliment can be offence to some…) and again if they are not responding positively move on
4 - a cliche’ but you can ask if they have been to this kind of party before - if they are happy to chat then you have opened up a window to as about their likes, experience etc etc

I’ll repeat again if there is no response from the person to any of the above at any stage just say “enjoy the night” and move on.

[AKA_Copper]

Why are you determining whether an evening has been successful or not simply on whether you've played with someone/no more than one person?
It's as simple as this, grab a drink, notice a huddle of people, and ask if you can join them. Joing in their conversation, make conversation. Things happen organically. It's really not rocket science. It's no different to a non kink night out. People aren't likely to play with and outright stranger, how do they know your skillset/that you're safe/that they're safe? Build friendships first.

[Sm****]

I agree with all of the above. Go slow use polite open ended questions. Let tho go happen naturally. Odd as it may seem the more chill you are the more people will be open to you! A simple "hi, I'm so and so, how are you?" Is nice ice breaker or comment on the food is there is any.

[Be****]

A hello always works. Just show interest and talk. Just remember the golden rule.

[no****]

That’s too straight forward myan. Chat with em in friendly way. Both have to end up with satisfaction but have to start with a flow you know. That’s the rule hey

[Di****]

You have a good grasp of the english language but human interaction is hard, your one off question shouldn’t be about restraining someone with rope or duct tape or zip ties if your a lazy soft boy. But I Diegrass. Consider the fact that cootchie etc is what you want. You need to warn people up. Gates of paradise aside Dionysus was right you need to let a targeted female in your parlance in my parlor if possible I’d be very disappointed if you were in my place or if you’re just an outstanding physical specimen like squidward was for a minute, honey, you might was to slow down your roll, and make sure all your wheels are true and tight at the bearings. If you haven’t already noticed women don’t need you, they don’t want you, we guys are out classed by a stick off the ground and a stick is a lot better at stfu once mama tired. A women is choosy now and forever more bro. It’s the future, internet let the secret out that we are all a little bit needy and ms kinky and her friends are chilling looking for strange and weird and not boring. But nobody wants to in the hole for ya right away mister.

[Deleted Member]

Being new to the scene I would like to know that answer myself. Good question

[ey****]

there is a couple of bits I did miss in your original post - along with a point I was going to add

So a bit I missed is a bit of a sweeping statement, but most women tend not to go out looking for pick-up-play and the ones who do, or are more up for it, tend to prefer to be looking for existing friends to play with - though in some cases it some specialist nights (i.e. Femdom) some may be a bit more open if there are interactive games etc

this doesn't mean you cannot end up in a situation of play with someone who wasn't looking - but obviously it's better here when people are saying yes because they want to - and not because they either feel they have to, have been drinking, or saying yes and doing a short scene is easier than saying no.

But a bit I'd missed is a comment that you do sometimes get play, but maybe one per night - and... well... it spins up two extra questions, the first is - why not be happy with one, you do not have to burn your way through an entire club in one night.

My second question is... why are these people only one-offs? If you've played, what is stopping them being people you then talk to outside of play another time, or playing with again?  Like, if nothing else - there is an opportunity within aftercare to give someone your contact details 

[Deleted Member]

Hey,l I would like to thank all of you for the contructive and helpfull comments. :)

[Deleted Member]

Some people asked why I want to do it with severel people. dodnt get me wrong I would most of the times be happy if I find one person I play with and it hapend that ai stayed in contact with her and then had fun severel times at the party and afterwards. It's more an idea maybe a twisted one that on kinky party I would like to have sex with a lot more people. that being realistic or even worth to persue is a diffrent topic.

[Deleted Member]

So from aot what I read I take away: dodnt just straight ask if they want to play. (Also nothing I often do but still good to know) I guess I have to see cause I often struggle with figururing out what to talk about but I guess I will have rocget creative.

[Deleted Member]

Don't go there with the expectation of finding anyone. Most people with any common sense don't play with strangers.

Go there and mingle. Let people know who you are and what you like. Build rapport.

Treat others as people. Not a piece of meat.

[ey****]

I guess as a couple of follow ups

if we're talking play in terms of sex - then a lot of people would have reservations if you are attempting sex with multiple people in a night; and arguably should be made aware that this is something you are doing (the joys of informed consent) because obviously there's a heightened risk for STI spread and people have their own risk profiles. 

But in terms of anything in general - the more people are your friends, or at least an acquaintance, the more likely they will agree to play and the more likely it will happen. 

If you go into a room full of strangers and ask 20 people about play then there's a realistic chance of 20 nos.  But if it's 20 friends, some will still say no, some will say yes.  And if you have some form of play pre-arranged, then it's already likely to happen.