Honesty when one plays.

[Deleted Member]

This post has been inspired by something a couple outside a coffee shop were arguing about.Everybody close by could hear.In a relationship , how important is it to be totally honest with your partner in admitting what you Love , Enjoy....or , what you really do not enjoy? Personally, I do not know whether I would have the courage to admit  all of the above , or to mention a few that were important to me.  Developing trust and taking it a step at  time. Finding the right moment to bring up a particular subject seems to be the best way  but,  there is still the worry of not knowing how ones partner would react. 

 A relationship works if there is an understanding of each other. How does one get to that stage if one is worried that admitting the truth could lead to a relationship ending? Could that be a reason why members turn to a Dom....to keep their own relationship healthy? ..Cassie

[Lord_Blacklight]

When I have a sub I always offer her what is known as a "safe zone". In this she can admit or express anything she wishes with the knowledge it will be heard and listened to without judgement. By doing this, trust is built and what may have been a fear before could turn into a joint venture or one of the parties expressing their desire or not to go down such a path. I have said it before but communication is key. What if one is losing out because the other fears expressing to? The moment communication stops the relationship be it vanilla or otherwise will fall. Find your way. A neutral zone or a safe place and external the trust of you need it in return. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but what you fear Amy be one of the greatest things you ever experience. No risk no reward no gain.

[Robustlove]

Hi there Cassie. I cannot speak for other Dominant males or females – however I think they would agree – that in any relationship, be it a D/s relationship or a vanilla relationship; honesty with yourself and your partner is not only vital but the only way you can actually form a good relationship with a solid basis for a lasting longer term relationship.

Now obviously context is everything, and your context seem to be asking this question about and regarding more vanilla and non D/s or BDSM types of relationships. I may be wrong about this so feel free to correct me if this is not the case. Now what it seems that you are talking about is not only honesty but openness. You can have all sorts of fantasies and desires that you don’t necessarily share with your partner and keeping them to yourself is not so much about a lack of honesty as doing so is not lying, but it is more about a lack of openness and feeling comfortable enough to be open, be yourself and share yourself and your fantasies fully with your partner. Now obviously in the context of vanilla relationships you would not expect to be able to open up and share every kinky fantasy and your deepest and darkest sexual desires straight away and before you have built any trust or understanding of each other. However any relationship in the kink or vanilla world should be based around thing like mutual respect, trust and as such your partner should never judge you or become judgemental of you for simply opening up and sharing yourself fully. If anyone does react badly to this opening up and sharing yourself fully, then it speaks volumes more about them and their issues or hang-ups than it does about the person opening up.

Now for me there is a difference between bravery and courage. Bravery is about admitting and facing up to your fears and true courage is about overcoming them. So you are brave enough to admit that you have a varied and kinky fantasy life all you need to do is take that one step further and open up about your fantasies to any of your partners and you’ll find that a single act of courage like that will help to strengthen your will and make you even more courageous in the future and also happier within yourself for simply having the courage to be open and honest about who you are with anyone.

There is always a risk of rejection in these type of situations as you have mentioned, but I would rather live my life to the fullest extent by taking such risks and owning the consequences than living in a safe bubble where I may never get to truly be myself or do any of the things that I want to do. This reminds me of a great quote from the sadly departed Bruce Lee, “It’s better to live life a broken piece of jade than to live as useless clay”.   

15 hours ago, Lord_Blacklight said:

When I have a sub I always offer her what is known as a "safe zone". In this she can admit or express anything she wishes with the knowledge it will be heard and listened to without judgement. By doing this, trust is built and what may have been a fear before could turn into a joint venture or one of the parties expressing their desire or not to go down such a path. I have said it before but communication is key. What if one is losing out because the other fears expressing to? The moment communication stops the relationship be it vanilla or otherwise will fall. Find your way. A neutral zone or a safe place and external the trust of you need it in return. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but what you fear Amy be one of the greatest things you ever experience. No risk no reward no gain.

Well said Lord_Blacklight and totally in synch with my thinking as well.         

[Deleted Member]

Hi..Can someone tell me what is a Vanilla relationship...My original post was about how one would cope with admitting ones kinky side to a partner ....whether one should be honest and hope that the partner would understand how important it was to admit ones kinks..!...As soon as one mentions anything that  does not conform to what a partner expects in a normal relationship Alarm bells start ringing..!...my point is..how can one introduce ones partner to a kinky lifestyle if he or she has no knowledge or experience of this type of lifestyle...How can one break down the barriers that society has deemed that anything out of the ordinary is not acceptable .!...If you love your partner and want to spend the rest of your life with him or her...but are keeping to yourself your kinky side...is that a good thing .?it is all well and good to talk about honesty...but would you risk losing someone that means the world to you..!.Cassie