Polyamory?

[Be****]

I've noticed during my recent immersion into kink community that a huge amount of people seem to be polyamorous or involved in open relationships. Is this something unique to the kink community, or does it just reflect today's dating climate? I'm also curious- what attracts so many folks to these types of relationships? Could it be a collective pushback against potentially outdated social norms?

[fo****]

People often don't want to reveal anything perhaps regarded as deviant, kinky or perverted to potential 'serious' partners, wife / mother material then look outside that relationship to explore less vanilla pursuits? Sorry just one basic blokes point of view....

[mi****]

I think people just wanna get laid.

[no****]

I think it is people being able to be themselves. If you think about it 20-30 years ago, trying something like this would mean you are in some sort of a cult. These days are about everyone finding the right fit emotionally and sexually. I have met some women who love their nesting partner, but the sexual life is not what they actually want. For what I can see is just if people do this the communication is one of the most important things. I think it is more notorious in the kink community because we tend to be more forward about what we want, I know I am.

[Bo****]

For me I simply found that my heart is to big and I can expect one person to meet my every need or want. I'm too complex to put all that pressure on one person. I care for the ones I'm with very deeply and would give them the world if I could and they would do the same. I believe in our ability to love and be open minded as a society and not limit our loved ones to a certain box that we lable what loyalty looks like. The world Is a big special spectrum of wonderful people who would love to work together to grow.

[Ro****]

Me and my partner dont share 100% of each other's kinks, but we still want each other to be happy and fulfilled. As for why the kink community seems more open. My guess is that people in this community just have better communication habits when it cimes ti sex and personal desires, and good communication is key for a healthy open relationship.

[pr****]

I think what pushes people are the fact that so many are unable to meet each others needs and expectations so the idea is that another can help fill the gaps where two or maybe three lack

[Fi****]

Some of the time one member of the couple is vanilla and is not interested in exploring kink with their kinky partner. In these cases the kinkster is able to explore with their partner's consent ideally. Sometimes deception is involved which i as a dom will never knowingly engage in but im sure some will.

[Ri****]

It’s an interesting question. If you do a little research online, are indications that of polyamory may be on the rise. The NY Times and an extensive article a while back on polyamory. There was a reality show called Couple to Throuple. I think the introduction of gay characters and couples into mainstream movies and tv shows has oii of ended the door to other heretofore off-limit relationships.

[No****]

I think it's part pushback against outdated norms, as well as 1) a natural side effect of being part of a inclusive and loving community that highly values communication, and 2) due to that communication, feeling safe and secure in the self knowledge that no one is going to be able to check all the kink boxes of what a partner might be into. So it becomes safe to explore and play.

[Ja****]

Truthfully I think deep down folks are tired of getting cheated on....poly isn't very widespread tho.

[Deleted Member]

In general, I think kinky people are less likely to stick closely to conventional social norms. Whether that's regarding what is acceptable to enjoy or how to structure relationships.

For instance, D/s relationships are already different from the norm, monogamous or not. It seems only natural that kink would also attract people willing to challenge monogamy.

[sl****]

I am in a Poly relationship. And I'm in it bc I have enough love to give to multiple people, it's just a bonus it's also a poushback against norms

[sa****]

I think we do it because we're already embracing things society doesn't care for. I had my fun back in the day, but it always comes with drama. I don't do drama anymore so I keep it monogamous.

[ny****]

Hi - polyam here. For me, it comes down to getting needs met. My partner and I entered our relationship agreeing that the two of us shouldn’t put pressure on e/o to meet every need that comes with a relationship all the time (for example, within the realm of the five love languages)

My partner has been poly for longer than I have, and they are not particularly kink-community leaning whereas I am. I think it’s different strokes for different folks though I am curious about your question too

[ja****]

Yes it also could be the impact of the internet upon society for the last 40 years. It altered a person's ability to find more people in a broader range of distance around one's area. It also allowed other ways of life to be more available for people to explore plus it shorten the attention span of a person with an unlimited amount of perspectives, beliefs and ideas etc. And the seeking of validation from others has addicted people to "likes and views" with a dopamine rush to those who receive them making people more self centered and narcassitc and hungry for self gratification on a grandiose scale.

[Kitkatxxx]

I personally don’t know if it is more common in kink circles because those same circles tend to be more open minded & communicative about their needs.

But I personally have seen an uptick on vanilla dating sites as well. And I think that is more so reflective of modern dating culture & practices and how things have changed.

I think it’s less you meet & marry your one high school sweetheart & make it work.
And now it’s one person is not going to be my “everything” & it’s grown from there.

I personally have never practiced poly, and I don’t think it would be for me. But there certainly seems to be more of it & ENM (ethical non-monogamy) these days for sure

[Mr****]

Honestly it's been around for quite sometime, more in a hidden sense but people are broadly opening up to the masses about its openness. I think the idea of people conforming to the idea it is necessary to have multiple partners or open relationships as a way to escape hurt or having to choose which one fits best.

[ny****]

^agree with this to an extent. I fantasize too occasionally about what how polyam could develop in a pre-telecom age. Bulletin boards at grocery stores came to mind 😄

[Ca****]

I'd say the kink community is certainly more open in talking about polyamory. Whether people outside the kink community engage in polyamory behind closed doors is hard to tell. Is the openeness to talk about it a progression of social norms? Id say yes, but that may be controversial and there may be a lot more to it, since the arguments for either side are not clear. We cant even tell, if we as humans are biologically prone to polyamory based on tribal history so personnally I am happy to leave it at that, since in my mind, that discussion cannot reasonably be held.

As for open relationships, thats a different thing. Nowadays there are social studies looking into the differentiation between polyamory and open relationships and the latter often is descibed as longing for companionship and curiosity and in comparison to any closed relation, be it poly or not, seldom lasts if going on for an extended amount of time. In my understanding it is a concept that satifies needs and sometimes serves as tool to progress a relationship by enabling new input. This then leads to either breakups, communication and subsequent change in the original relationship or closed polyamory. Sidenote: Most polyamorous raltionships have extraordinary communication and have about the same likelihood of failing as monogamous relationships, so are just as stable and can be considered a possible result an open relationship.

I think the attractors for those kinds of relationships can be simplified to three things: If one has so much love to give, why stop at one person, one needs diversity and still wants stability and finally, a curiosity, what else there is outside of the current relationship. I am leaving out the option of disloyalty and lived out dissatisfaction, since in that case, polyamory and open relationships are just excuses.

[th****]

Up until about 4 years ago, I would have told you that monogamy was the only thing right for me. But a friend who was with the love of his life was also in a poly relationship and I really wanted to understand how that all worked. When it was explained to me that in order to successfully be in a poly relationships is almost entirely based around trust with your partner(s). It dawned on me that one of the biggest aspects of why people stay in a monogamous relationship is because they *** their partner will find someone better and leave them. But when you stop comparing yourself to others and recognize yourself as being uniquely special and uniquely desirable, you realize that if trapping a person in a societal norm is the only way to feel safe from abandonment, that’s really not a healthy way to live life. Other people say they couldn’t do poly because they’d get jealous, but the thing about that is, in many poly relationships, people are brought in for different reasons. Such as having two different people to experience two different aspects of your life. My friend who was in his poly relationship said that he loves his partner enough to recognize there are things that he doesn’t want to do with his partner and rather than either he sucks it up to make his partner happy, or his partner just not have it, he’d rather his partner go find what make him fill that void.

My original primary determinant was making sure STDs were staying out of the mix and I thought that level of trust in everyone taking adequate precautions was too big a risk, but (surprise yet thankfully) most people are equally as vigilant and forthcoming with recent test results. Anyone that isn’t is immediately blocked and if they might be someone of interest in my local community to anyone I know, I share that person’s information with the friend so they don’t waste their time. It definitely was a little anxious at first but now I can’t image going back to monogamy.

[An****]

Wife and I got into poly lifestyle to ultimately share our love with another woman to feed her female attraction as well as her kink desires.. harder to find another to see same outlooks as us but journey never ends ..the feelin 3heads are better than 2 taking on the world's everyday situations seems peaceful..

[ey****]

One of the main things is - I dunno, if you're in an office, or a hobby group or something - anyone who is poly or non-mono (or, well, kinky) is likely to keep it to themselves for *** of being judged as it goes against norms

in kink circles they have that *** less so it feels more prevalent. 

 

[Kr****]

Well that's the thing, Polyamorous types of relationships were the norm in many cultures before white religious people in ships brought colonialism and capitalism to their shores and told them they'd go to hell for it. Polyamory didn't have a name until about 30+years ago but it has existed throughout time.

[Sp****]

Monogamy?? In *this* economy???