Polyamory?

[Deleted Member]

My first relationship was with a gal and her long time bf. It just felt natural to me. Monogamous situations didn't make sense to me because of the commitment. Now that I'm married and have a bf, it's about the connections with people. There are many MANY different ways to love a person.

[vikingBear]

I think if your hobby is Sex it's only natural to share it with more people then one 😅

[Da****]

That's a tough answer with more study or research as you're dealing with a social dynamic that's relatively new, several kinds of unique Poly arrangements, and the fact that many just use the Poly dynamic as a cop out from having to make a commitment, do the work in a relationship, or simply to be "morally" promiscuous where it socially may not be.

[sa****]

i was vanilla for quite a while n i was in a poly relationship for a year being vanilla basically the whole time

[Da****]

Personally, I might have a problem with the mother of my *** running out every week to get ploughed by multiple men. Same for I, if making a priority to pursue women for sex, intimacy, or starting new relationships when already with family. Am I going to convince everyone that I'm also still making time for my kids. Takes time to do all this, maintain cohesive family, and raise kids.
For me, the optics of that as a moral point of view RE the kids, doesn't sit right.
It almost seems selfish and self-serving.
And I personally do feel a great many people hide behind the poly or polyamorous card for selfish reasons.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Dottie2Hottie said:

I like all your answers, but now, if I may, what about love? Do the couple vow not to fall in love with the third? Do they see this person together or solo? Do they both have a separate third person? What it the third falls in love with one or both people?

Yes, that's poly

like....

non monogamy comes in different shades - so, I dunno, you're a couple but occasionally screw other people (with each others knowledge) is a form on non-monogamy, but... in poly yes you (and/or your partners) may well be in a relationship and in love with more than one person.

But, like.

if you have two bairns you don't have to pick which one to love. 

Edited March 28, 2025 by eyemblacksheep

[An****]

I'm well aware people will detest this, but I've usually been in "one p*nis policy" type of relationships. One p*nis policy is an unequal arrangement in which the male does whatever he wants, while the female may freely play with other females, and may perhaps peg other males, but will not interact with any p*nis except that of her partner.

There are two reasons I've preferred this, and preferred partners who are happy with it.

1. I like sexual diversity, I don't like any limitations on my own sexual behavior. I prefer not to have to choose between the woman I love and every other attractive woman, having both is ideal.

2. When I am in love with a woman, the idea of her experiencing another d**k becomes excruciating to me.

Only the one p*nis policy rule satisfies both of those preferences of mine. And both of these preferences could easily be explained with evolutionary psychology, as both can be readily understood to be conducive to my own genetic continuity.

[Ll****]

You think you're going to find wholesome loyal committed monogamous traditional relationships on a kink fetish sight?!

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Llorrenzo said:

You think you're going to find wholesome loyal committed monogamous traditional relationships on a kink fetish sight?!

you assume poly is neither wholesome, loyal, or committed? 

[cl****]

1 hour ago, Llorrenzo said:

You think you're going to find wholesome loyal committed monogamous traditional relationships on a kink fetish sight?!

Why not? You definitely will find honesty and communication, which is rarely found in traditional relationships.

[Co****]

The woman should be happy for her man to have others to please? But her having another is too much? Definitely lopsided. Excruciating as you put it? 😅 That's not a relationship. That's just control over a woman's body

[Deleted Member]

A tide wash in against very outdated social norms. Dating is so young as a concept and is a reaction to changing climates around women in the early 18 and 1900s. It's not the vehicle for procreation and family building that it used to be, and the social norms now don't support monogamy as much as they did, especially with the rise of individualism.

[Tr****]

5 saat önce, Anarchoholic said:

I'm well aware people will detest this, but I've usually been in "one p*nis policy" type of relationships. One p*nis policy is an unequal arrangement in which the male does whatever he wants, while the female may freely play with other females, and may perhaps peg other males, but will not interact with any p*nis except that of her partner.

There are two reasons I've preferred this, and preferred partners who are happy with it.

1. I like sexual diversity, I don't like any limitations on my own sexual behavior. I prefer not to have to choose between the woman I love and every other attractive woman, having both is ideal.

2. When I am in love with a woman, the idea of her experiencing another d**k becomes excruciating to me.

Only the one p*nis policy rule satisfies both of those preferences of mine. And both of these preferences could easily be explained with evolutionary psychology, as both can be readily understood to be conducive to my own genetic continuity.

Natural and respectable. I totally agree. Polyamory is common for men for ages and having this type of "bond" rules improves the dynamic.

[DarkArts1066]

It’s definitely not unique to the kink community. In fact, it would appear that more and more people are experimenting with polyamory - and particularly the whole “throuple” phenomenon.

Where I think the major difference lies, is that those in kink community often already have experience of less conventional ideas -and experiences around sex.
For example, I know Men who have engaged in threesomes with a Couple, and then gone on to seek out a Polyamorous relationship with a partner - with the intention of forming a Poly group with another person.

Those outside of the Kink Community I think tend to want to experiment -perhaps without any prior thought or experience.

[Ro****]

I believe for some they grew up with society promoting every kind of freedom. For others that are tad bit older, they are up were this was frowned upon (but for a few it was always in them, they just didn't have an outlet).

[Ja****]

I’m a disabled bi-curious female with a disabled trans female girlfriend. We both like the idea of a poly family because it helps lessen burdens like bills, chores, and other responsibilities and also helps spread the burdens of life. Why put a limit on something so limitless like love? It’s possible to love multiple people an equal amount in different ways.

[FR****]

This is a bit of a loaded question but I'll break it down a little. Though many won't agree with me. However I've studied stuff around this a lot and have found a few things.

Firstly the modern climate of dating is actually bad. Most of the people that are poly are only poly because they've destroyed their ability to pair bond. Pair bonding, for those that don't know, is a instinctual bond developed in humans between yourself and a partner through physical intimacy. When you have many partners, you degrade this over time, causing your ability to be happy with a partner long term to erode.

This is further shown by the short term nature of most poly relationships. Within kink specifically, it's easier to be poly because it means you're free to experiment and do more or less whatever, (often) without your partner objecting. I should also note most people that claim to be poly are not suited for it in the slightest. Because they end up with "new and fresh" people in the relationship and ignore the original partner.

It's really hard to actually do poly as well. So monogamy isn't "out dated" most people today actually want just one partner. And often due to years of hooking up will never be able to keep their partners. (The exception being couples that do stuff like this together.) Realistically poly isn't good or bad. 95% of people or more just can't handle it. As often they can barely handle one partner. Kink needs communication. And a lot of people who see themselves as a part of this community are terrible at it.

[Pu****]

Sorry, i don't have time to read 60+ comments on here. So if it's been said already or not, I didn't see it.

ENM (ethical non monogamy) looks different depending on the country and their laws. Some countries it is normal to have males with multiple wives or a few country women have multiple husbands (in fact due to small land space women are supposed to marry all the male siblings in one family)or a few that swinging couples is natural or to have open relationships once married to keep divorce and crime rates down.

These types of relationships have always been there for decades and centuries. I know parts of Europe and the USA have the majority of news and cultural views spread to others. These other countries are wanting to do what the "cool" kids are saying is "cool." Even though it's just been a way to control people for centuries.

Due to the rasing acceptance of LGBTQ+ people with the "cool" countries, we were getting to a point of acceptance for all in the USA. So ENM( open, swingers & poly) people are opening up on social media more and more.

However, open marriages and swinger's have Vanilla sex all the time. I also know polyamorous people that don't really have any real kinks, hell 1 lady i know only does missionary sex and she has 1 husband and 2 boyfriends. I know a polyamorous family that's been together for 50years with 1 partner, 30years with her 2nd partner and 25years with another.

I know a swinger couple that has been swinger's with the same couples for decades.

Swinging got popular back in the late 60's and 70's here in the states and UK.

Again it's just coming into media more cause we are trying to get more people to acceptance of different lifestyles.

Safe Space Allies here in Atlanta GA is currently running a fundraiser to get a Alternative Relationship Center up and running . We are also hoping to make Conferences with social media and authors spokesperson to share and learn about different types of relationships and how to communicate to friends and family in those relationships. Along with so much more that is not about kink.

[Deleted Member]

IMO there is a lack of intimacy in most relationships. Both men and women find it easier to fulfill their fantasies from multiple places to not reveal their full selves to one person so it is not used against them.

Culture has become so casual and surface. Kinks have become more acceptable but the culture trends of moving on quick makes it harder to be truly seen and accepted a pipe dream.

[sardonicus87]

Here's the thing, it's just appearances. A lot of people who are not kinky and just poly, open or swing have flooded into kink apps, and the same is true of kinky people into what were traditionally ENM or swinger apps. I've seen ENM people complain about monogamous kinky people ruining their spaces and I have also seen monogamous kinky people complain about non-kinky swingers and poly people ruining their spaces.
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I am inclined to agree with both sides. Yes, you can be both kinky AND swinger or ENM/poly, they absolutely can cross over. But if you're not ENM/poly, you shouldn't be on an ENM/poly dating space just because you're kinky or no matter how alternative sexually you are, and the same is true of kink, it doesn't matter if you're poly/enm or swinger, you shouldn't be in a kink space if you're not kinky. In both cases, it's hard enough as it is finding partners that fit, it doesn't need to become an even bigger haystack in which to find that needle. I know plenty who have absolutely quit the scene and all online apps and sites because they got sick of all the vanilla and non-kink people invading their kink space and making it hard to find actual kinky people on a kink site.
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Having said that, there's definitely a higher likelihood to find people who are open/poly on a kink website relative to a traditional one, but monogamy is still the majority even in the kink world. Where I live, anyone that's actually kinky, 99% want monogamous exclusion and won't do, and can't even imagine, casual play without being in a romantic relationship with someone.
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But, there's been a deluge of vanilla people who are not kinky and not enm/poly that claim to be one, the other, or both and they're just claiming that to try to get laid and/or scam and/or make *** because they think it's a side-hustle, or they're just cheating, or something else. But as kink and polyamory both became more mainstream, you got more tourists for both and more not understanding or trying to understand it, using and abusing it.

[ey****]

Seen a few comments here and there I might brush up in a big swoop, so here goes.

Monogamy is still by far more prevalent than any form of non-monogamy.   Estimates are currently between 4-7% of people have been in a non-monogamous relationship (and unclear from that how many felt it wasn't right for them) 

By contrast. Estimates are that 25% of marriages have had some form of infidelity. It is felt that the estimate is low due to people either not admitting it, or not being caught.  

(incidentally cheating can and does happen in non-mono.  It is rarely *do whatever you want* people you are in a relationship with still have boundaries)

It's difficult to get figures within kink circles, but I believe most people in kink circles are mostly monogamous (will come back to that in a second) and tying with earlier points it just *seems* higher because suddenly people are talking about it and you don't hear about it in most other spaces.

While a lot of poly relationships do end up being short term - most relationships in general are short term - in fact... the average length of a monogamous relationship is 2 years 9 months.  By contrast, the average length of poly relationships are 5 years.  That said there may be skews in figures in the sense there is a big difference between being non monogamous and being poly.  I guess in non mono a lot depends on whether the person you are currently with is a partner or not.  But, I guess, someone mono would not count a one-night stand, someone they'd been on a couple of dates with, or a fuck-buddy as a 'relationship'

By mostly monogamous, what I mean - I guess there's a couple of ladies I can think of who to all intents and purposes were monogamous, they would never be dating more than one man at a time, nor sought to change that - however at fetish events they were very happy to do certain play - mostly spanking, caning, discipline etc (though, foot worship etc with some) however to them it was just play/fun and not sexual, which they were clear on, regardless of the other persons level of enjoyment. 

[DrStarlight]

Thank you for asking this question because it’s great to engage in respectful conversation about things to help others understand and find others in the community. I have been exploring/practicing polyamory for almost 1.5 years now. In my exploration of my kinky side, I have found that I am a switch. It is important for not only my sexual desires but also my psychological well being to be able to express both of those sides. My current partner is dominant. While I don’t currently have a sub, my partner recognizes that it’s an important part of me. Prior to me, he had not had exposure to polyamory. He now understands that I have so much love to give, and if I end up loving someone else, it does not diminish my love for him. Plus we openly communicate about everything (it helps that i’m autistic, so i’m direct )

I have ended dynamics/relationships with cis men who wanted the one penis policy. I am demi, sapio, and pansexual, so I don’t care about what genetalia you have or what gender you are. While the one penis policy may work for some, it feels like that person is trying to control me. It felt unfair that they could be with multiple AFAB (assigned female at birth) people, but I could only be with one AMAB (assigned male at birth) person. Polyamory to me is loving your partner enough to recognize that it’s okay that you both don’t meet all of each other’s needs. So by implementing a one penis policy to me feels like you want the freedom to meet your needs but not your partners. Again this is just my perspective.

One way that I like to help people understand polyamory is that a lot people have different friend groups that bring out a different side of them/meet a certain need they have. Polyamory can be the same way, and it can be romantic, platonic, and or sexual. I am disappointed however that there are a decent amount of people on this website that hide under polyamory to disguise their cheating, which is not okay, and it makes the rest of us in the poly community look bad. 

Highly recommend  Reading Polywise and Polysecure by Jessica Fern.

 

[Cr****]

I'll try to make this as quick as possible cuz I don't want to just flood you with 10 pages of my experience. But I'll kind of just drop these and a list for you. But would let me to polyamory is:

- Even when you're in a relationship, your body has predetermined factors about other people around you that will entice you and turn you on. For me or my partner to act like the other is not allowed to have that primal innate function of that body is just a little wild to me. Now in a healthy relationship that's not a problem, but 65% of relationships and marriages are not healthy. They are toxic which is why so many of them end in divorce.

- on the note of divorce, I believe in polyamory because once you get married it is a legally binding process that has to be legally unbound. I'm at a point in my life where that's entirely. Too much work for me. If I want to go My separate way and you want to go your separate way, by all means go for it. I don't believe in holding hostages or forcing someone to be with me that doesn't want to be.

- I hope this one doesn't sound bitter, but I've had many, many many relationships end over the fact that I (like almost literally every guy on earth) enjoy and sometimes will pursue threesomes. (Not cheating of course. Just when I'm single or if I'm in a relationship it strictly would be with my partner.) So again it kind of goes back into that jealousy and controlling thing like. I've let every single girl I've ever been with now that I have a really really high sex drive and I will always be fascinated and tempted by the thought of sleeping with multiple women at a time.

- hell, while we're on the note of sex drive, that's another issue I have when I'm in a monogamous relationship. If my sex drive is way higher than my partners, I'm often left disappointed whenever. I've tapped my partner out for the night. Like something in the back of my mind. It's just like "damn I could do this six more times tonight. Easy." If that's 8 out of 10 times that you're having sex with your partner: in the long run, it definitely feels a little defeating.

- I also have never been with a woman that I didn't respect and value the intelligence and beauty of. So when I'm out with my partner or my partners out by herself, I do not put it past other men to try and flirt with her or pick her up or shower her with gifts of affection and stuff. Blah blah blah blah. If I'm attracted to her surely to God other people are you know. I'm not going to sit here and get mad at my girlfriend cuz some guy flirted with her. I don't want my girlfriend getting mad at me for a girlfriend with me especially with that situation being 10 times more rare. Guys don't really get hit on like that.

- And most importantly, the biggest part is honesty. I don't feel like I should ever have to hide the fact for my partner that oh I'm into x y or z or this person. I specifically choose bisexual girls exclusively at this point just to make it easier on myself to find women interested in sleeping with other women. So I mean, it's not like I'm actively seeking to find someone not into it and twist their arm and coerce them into it. I do my best to try and find chicks that are into that.

There's also six different main types of polyamory too. It's not all just one blanket thing. There are people like me who are solo poly. We don't care for being in a relationship,we're usually self sufficient, but personally I feel every connection that I make as a relationship to a degree because technically it is whether it's a friendship, your brother and ***, mom and dad. Every person you know you have some degree of a relationship with. So it just sounds redundant to me to say oh we're in a relationship now. We always have been. Then you have couple swappers and swingers. Which is kinda the least confusing these people just swap partners or may come and go from each other as they please. You also have half open relationships where only one partner sleeps with others and that's respected and allowed by their partner and the other has no drive to. There's also polycules where you're basically roommates and just constantly couple swapping whoever wants to sleep together sleeps together and everyone's fine with it and respectful. Everyone's kinda free game (unless your specific dynamic is different) and they all just live together long-term. Then you have full-on three-way relationships where three people are equally in the same relationship long-term.

I think that basically covers the main different ones, but just to kind of wrap everything up. I think everyone on this planet is capable of being horny. I think if marriage wasn't so heavily ***d down our throats, just having sex with whoever we want wouldn't be as demonized. But at the end of the day far more people are polyamorous that heart than they would let on. It's just a matter of who's allowed to be and who's not. And I personally choose polyamory because I choose what I do with my life and nobody else does. I got tired of being demonized for feeling the same thing 90% of men feel. being told I couldn't have it made me want it that much more. It's possible it's doable. I've done it. I can have it. Don't tell me I can't I've already done it. ya know? I'm not going to let anyone take that away from me and try to stop me. I also feel like with the way I'm up front and honest about it from day one of the relationship, if you do truly love me for me then that wouldn't be enough to make you angry. You would just understand that that's how I am and maybe even help me to pursue that. If you're against it, I can leave or I can choose to respect that and play monogamous.

 

[Cr****]

I can't speak for everyone, but there were a few major things that led me to go poly.

-too many toxic relationships. People try to save them by getting married which just ends in divorce. I think the marriage process is a scam. Ngl.

-seeing jealousy and toxic controlling people in their relationships has always left a bad taste in my mouth. For my first relationship I was jealous as my first love started going after another guy. And I did the crazy possessive weird shit and hated myself the whole time for it. I won't ever make that decision and mistake again. Nor will I allow anyone to do that to me. A lot of friends and people around me lost respect for me too. Rightfully so. There's absolutely no need to do that in a relationship with someone you love. And if you're insecure, the last thing you should be doing is taking that out on your partner. I was very young when I realized this and since, I can't stop seeing the toxicity all around me. People use their relationships for validation rather than love. Somebody inform a relationship. People will use the kindness of others as a crutch event. I've seen so many toxic relationships and so many horrible things that could have been avoided if people were just in an open relationship. Or if were with a partner that would allow them to be open and honest.

- I'm also 100% capable of having 0% affection for somebody and still being able to have sex with them. I'm also just as capable of having 100% affection and zero sex with someone. And shade of the rainbow in between. So the biggest thing that I hear the women I'm dating, complain and worry about is " well I don't want you to go and fall in love somewhere else with someone that's not me. If it's just sex, it's not as big of a deal, but even that can lead to you falling in love with someone." And this is a great conversation to have but at that point for me it kind of goes into. "These are my goals before I die. If you want to be my partner like hey I'm not trying to hide this or keep it a secret. Do you want to be here while I accomplish these goals or not? Yes multiple threesomes with multiple women is a goal of mine. Do you want to see me on the other side of that goal line, and would you be open to assisting. Is it going to hurt you if I do this thing? Because if it does I will not. Or if My desire to accomplish this goal is deeper than my love for you. I'm going to have to make a choice. "

You kind of just have to find a balance with your specific partner. I've never had the conversation with two different people and it go the same way twice. It's always wildly different every time because people are just wildly individual like that.



But anyway I honestly love having this conversation with my partners so if anyone has any questions or anything I'm open to answer. I could talk on this endlessly and I often do.

[Ke****]

Monogamy has been a lost cause for centuries. People that think they are monogamous are at best serially monogamous. Over half of marriages end in divorce. Cheating by both men and women is quite common. The natural solution is ethical non-monogamy (ENM). ENM is a perfect fit with kink and D/s dynamics where ethical behavior is the rule and not the exception. The basis of both Polyamory, both Kitchen Table and Solo is ENM. I wish the best for those brave souls that embrace monogamy; You will need monk-like stamina, reverence and patience to endure for a life time.