Honesty and Open Dynamics

[Lo****]

I have a question for the more experienced kinksters: How do you often gauge honesty with a new person? I recently had an entire that completely shook me. It just confused me.
This person was partnered but didn't and wouldn't tell me the dynamic of their relationship with their spouse. When I confronted this issue, I was told that I had to ask, and then when asking I was told that they had to know my intentions first. I'd assume, though, that if you have a fixture partner, though, you'd be keen to explain to the new person what dynamic they'd be coming in to? I feel like it also caused me concern they couldn't explain anything emotion wise. They were much older than me and they were definitely trying to gaslight me into feeling childish for asking.
It just kind of felt like they wanted me to be tricked into being all in without knowing anything. It's honestly scared me a bit from the community. Am I being too cautious, though?

[Deleted Member]

It sounds like the person wanted you to just be cool with them having a partner and not caring that they are in a committed relationship. I think it was good that you were cautious and would not consider this you being over cautious. If I am speaking to someone I immediately want to know if they are single or in an open relationship and if their partner is ok with what they are doing with me. If they are not single and ducking all those questions, it’s a huge red flag for me and I move on. I’m not out here trying to be a home wrecker or ruin a relationship to someone who is innocent and knows nothing about what their partner is doing behind their back.

[Lo****]

10 minutes ago, jusslivv2277 said:

It sounds like the person wanted you to just be cool with them having a partner and not caring that they are in a committed relationship. I think it was good that you were cautious and would not consider this you being over cautious. If I am speaking to someone I immediately want to know if they are single or in an open relationship and if their partner is ok with what they are doing with me. If they are not single and ducking all those questions, it’s a huge red flag for me and I move on. I’m not out here trying to be a home wrecker or ruin a relationship to someone who is innocent and knows nothing about what their partner is doing behind their back.

Honestly I didn't even mind their open dynamic I just found it odd they wouldn't tell me it was their spouse or what the dynamic looked like. And fought me vehemently that I didn't need or deserved to know. I've never encountered anything like that. Usually people lift up their fixture partner rather than hide.

[Ki****]

If you feel something strange or suspicious, that's a sign, don't ignore that
On the other hand, every couple or dynamic has its own agreements and boundaries, but if you're involved in a new dynamic with someone you can set your own boundaries and agreements regarding communication and honesty.

[sardonicus87]

If it feels like a trick, don't bother. I get for some, they have an open or non-monogamous relationship of some type and for some, possibly it "ruins it" if it doesn't feel like sneaking around if that's their kink, which is pure conjecture based on what I know about some people into C N C play.
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But, it's not worth it. I would guess far more are lying about that being true than actually being true (but I'm cynical, and for good reason), and there's no way to tell if they aren't and there's a LOT of risk there if they are lying, too much risk to be worth it.
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My wife and I have an open marriage. She's also told me if I meet anyone, I don't even have to ask her, I can "just go for it" (probably because she knows I'm not stupid, trusts me and knows I wouldn't mess with crazy, and have basically near 0 chance of meeting anyone for a long list of reasons). Despite that, if I ever DID talk to anyone, she has no problems telling them herself (she just wouldn't want to then be friends with said person), and I'd even ask them if they wanted to talk to her to confirm.
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If you can meet BOTH of them at the same time in public, that's the best. Might it be awkward and uncomfortable? Sure, but at least you'll know they aren't lying. If they aren't willing to do that, walk away. People need to learn to grow up and be adults, dealing with "awkward" is part of that, so even if they're legit and don't want to do that because "awkward" or they can't be mature adults, then they deserve to get nowhere.

[Shilo66]

The answer to this question is fairly simple, but most women when they first start off here, tend to ignore it because they really fancy the guy that they've chosen and are very reluctant to admit when they're wrong. 

The answer is basically, DON'T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS!!!

In your opening piece, you highlighted several red flags that were literally being waved in your face, I'll just point out three of the biggies for brevity:

1 - His reluctance to answer basic questions.

2 - His avoidance tactics when made to face those basic questions.

3 - His lack of honesty and openness!!!

Those alone, especially the third one, should have made you back away fast and run for the hills. But instead, you chose to push on.... because you fancied him and was willing to give him a chance.

In kink, you have to trust your instincts, and follow them too, no matter how "hot" you think they (that person) are. This will help you to avoid getting stung. 

The other thing that will help too, is to get them to video chatting early. This way, you can see if you guys have chemistry, vibe AND, so long as you DON'T IGNORE what you're picking up, you'll be fine.

This site has a video function in the chat section if you're worried about going off site.

Hope this helps.

Edited April 21 by Shilo66

[da****]

36 minutes ago, LoveMoni said:

Honestly I didn't even mind their open dynamic I just found it odd they wouldn't tell me it was their spouse or what the dynamic looked like. And fought me vehemently that I didn't need or deserved to know. I've never encountered anything like that. Usually people lift up their fixture partner rather than hide.

Open and honest communication is so important for countless reasons, this being a good example. 

Do you plan on seeing them again in the future, or was that enough of a deal breaker?

[ge****]

Sounds like they have something to hide if that's how they react to some fairly simple and straightforward questions - you did right to have concerns.
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Sure some people like their privacy to be respected and maybe keep any intimate details about their other partners to themselves, but that's easily and calmly explained, which this wasn't.
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Don't let it put you off this lifestyle though - sadly this kind of behaviour can happen in *any* lifestyle

[Ji****]

Intuition is key; trust yourself.

It’s about boundaries - “if you don’t want to be straight forward and honest with my questions, I will look elsewhere.”

The vetting process isn’t a game. It’s a way to determine safety.

In my opinion safe BDSM involves:
Safe word being sacred. Full stop.
If other partners are involved - I want to talk to them before connecting with you. It’s a hard limit. If you are married in an open relationship? I want to talk to your spouse. I’m not going to accept that on faith. I have a sub- she would be happy to talk with anyone who wanted to - to ensure safety.

In the end healthy BDSM is about open and honest communication; setting clear boundaries and respecting them; and making sure all parties feel safe.

Just my two cents

[da****]

Recently I've learned that being 100% open from the start is easier to connect and chat with others

[Ba****]

I'm very upfront about having a partner but have had many people ignore that part of me in an attempt to cowboy. I guess it goes down to how thorough is your vetting process because I'm forever sniffing for anything that seems out of place before I let someone too far in but as others have said that's why communication is so important

[Ji****]

58 minutes ago, danman69 said:

Recently I've learned that being 100% open from the start is easier to connect and chat with others

This. All of this

[la****]

Follow your instincts. If it doesn't feel right it's probably not. As far as the questioning their relationship dynamics, there is nothing wrong with it. You need to know how you would fit in, and how it can effect you. The most important person to you, should be you and your safety. Physically and mentally.

Sounds like to me they were worried with themselves only. The most important person to them, is them. But that doesn't mean they should be discarding other people's needs.

I hope this helped. Be safe

[Da****]

@LoveMoni,
Your questions and instincts are good and should be trusted. Building trust is not an instant process. If vital questions be answered with transparency, trust your gut. Lotta wannabes and predators hiding in Dom's clothing. Do you want relationships where you share with others or have limited commitment? (some do, no judgment).
Know what your minimum requirements are and build from there. My 2 cents

[Deleted Member]

You can never be too cautious. Always trust your gut. If something feels off, it’s probably because it is. Words are just lip service. Make them show you with their actions.

[Se****]

What a weird interaction. You can never really be 100% certain what people are telling you is the truth, though consistency in their behavior and claims is a green flag.

Someone who's not telling me things about relevant personal information is probably just an ignore for me. Not even worth getting into, really

[Lo****]

10 hours ago, daytryal said:

Open and honest communication is so important for countless reasons, this being a good example. 

Do you plan on seeing them again in the future, or was that enough of a deal breaker?

It was a complete deal breaker for me. He was 44 while I'm 21. And the gaslighting and childish responses I was receiving completely confused and revolted me.

[Lo****]

1 hour ago, SeekingSwitch said:

What a weird interaction. You can never really be 100% certain what people are telling you is the truth, though consistency in their behavior and claims is a green flag.

Someone who's not telling me things about relevant personal information is probably just an ignore for me. Not even worth getting into, really

I would've never even be able to know what to ask if I hadn't accidentally found his Facebook and hers. He was closed off in such an off way. He'd ask a million questions but only tell me sexual things about himself. (Which he was mad about me knowing his name but not hers which gave me even more ick)

[Lo****]

11 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

The answer to this question is fairly simple, but most women when they first start off here, tend to ignore it because they really fancy the guy that they've chosen and are very reluctant to admit when they're wrong. 

The answer is basically, DON'T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS!!!

In your opening piece, you highlighted several red flags that were literally being waved in your face, I'll just point out three of the biggies for brevity:

1 - His reluctance to answer basic questions.

2 - His avoidance tactics when made to face those basic questions.

3 - His lack of honesty and openness!!!

Those alone, especially the third one, should have made you back away fast and run for the hills. But instead, you chose to push on.... because you fancied him and was willing to give him a chance.

In kink, you have to trust your instincts, and follow them too, no matter how "hot" you think they (that person) are. This will help you to avoid getting stung. 

The other thing that will help too, is to get them to video chatting early. This way, you can see if you guys have chemistry, vibe AND, so long as you DON'T IGNORE what you're picking up, you'll be fine.

This site has a video function in the chat section if you're worried about going off site.

Hope this helps.

This is a lot of assumptions and not at all what I wrote. I specifically pointed out that he acted like this to being confronted.

[Shilo66]

31 minutes ago, LoveMoni said:

This is a lot of assumptions and not at all what I wrote. I specifically pointed out that he acted like this to being confronted.

That's my whole point. It shouldn't have had to get to the "confronted" stage.

The moment he started being evasive and unwilling to answer / clarify when you asked him what we generally consider here to be basic questions... those were your red flags, your cues to walk away, but you didn't. 

You asked for help and advice, we gave it. So if you don't like the answers, that's on you. 

I'll leave you to learn the "hard way" as that's the path you appear to want to go down.

Edited April 21 by Shilo66

[Deleted Member]

Your red fags are (should be) evasiveness, deflection,lack of respect, narcissistic responses to pertinent questions,body language etc

[la****]

The whole lifestyle is based on mutual trust and respect built by open honest communication. Of he or they can not do that then just say you are no longer interested and have to leave the conversation.

[St****]

You most definitely are NOT being too cautious. Trust your instincts if something doesn't feel right.

[Lo****]

5 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

That's my whole point. It shouldn't have had to get to the "confronted" stage.

The moment he started being evasive and unwilling to answer / clarify when you asked him what we generally consider here to be basic questions... those were your red flags, your cues to walk away, but you didn't. 

You asked for help and advice, we gave it. So if you don't like the answers, that's on you. 

I'll leave you to learn the "hard way" as that's the path you appear to want to go down.

How else would i know what's going on unless I attempt to confront it? So first you claim it's ignoring red flags but when I literally say I saw something fishy and called it out i also shouldn't call it out? He WAS NOT EVASIVE UNTI CONFRONTED. You are not reading what I said so it isn't advice it's an attempt to blame me for literally doing what you said to.

[da****]

8 hours ago, LoveMoni said:

It was a complete deal breaker for me. He was 44 while I'm 21. And the gaslighting and childish responses I was receiving completely confused and revolted me.

Good for you! I commend you for trusting your instincts here.