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Too submissive to make safe decisions.

By Deleted Member
in BDSM Forum

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Deleted Member

Posted

I've been chatting to a submissive lass for months now including telephone conversations and as such we have developed a close friendship with no sexual dynamic whatsoever. Now as we have become friends we are not shackled in any way by any D/S protocols and have been able to talk as equals which has enabled us to advise and look out for each other.

Now this lass is a wonderful human being but in my limited opinion "too submissive"if that's such a thing. Long story short she's been communicating with a "Dom"and I use that term lightly. We spoke yesterday and she was in pieces, sobbing on the phone, really confused and obviously her mental health had taken a battering. I've know this lass some time now and had never heard her crying like this. It shook me slightly so i took a breath and questioned her about the cause of this anxiety.

It transpires this "Dom" this sick piece  of shit had pushed this girl to the edge of what her mental health could accept, I won't go into  too much detail but it involved illegal things that even for a man like me, a man who thinks he's heard it all to get instantly angry and in some ways a little ashamed to be a man and a dom.

Basically if I hadn't intervened and talked this lovely lass down, calmed her and showed her what this "dom"really is then I truly believe he would have over the course of time ripped this lass mentally apart and as such been able to control her and push her into things she admits herself turned her stomach. My feeling is without my intervention her submissive side would have prevented her from walking away.

Now I've been accused before of trying to play the "knight in shining armour" when I've tried to understand certain things but in this instance i feel its the duty of any decent human being to intervene and protect those who are weak from those who have zero moral code. Those of us in this community who are "sane"ish have a responsibility to look out for each other to guard against these predators who are only interested in their own sexual gratification. I'm getting angry just typing this.

I tried to convince her to start a thread herself about this as it may help others in the future. She however couldn't so I am. I have learned something new the last 36 hours and that's some men are "cunts"of the highest order and need physical lessons themselves which i would gladly administer and some submissives when in sub space don't have the ability to say no even though deep down they know it's just all wrong, red flags flying high.

Thoughts?

Ni****

Ni****

Posted

Unfortunately, there are some men who, rather than looking to build a trusting caring relationship with a submissive, are only interested in their own gratification and have zero interest in the effects on the submissive or whether it is something they are comfortable doing 😠😠 Dangerous abusive behaviour and glad to hear you were able to help her!!

Wo****

Wo****

Posted

A few years ago, I was in a bad place mentally. Depressed (had been for years before it got picked up) I was drinking heavily, smoking a lot of weed. Lost.

I started chatted to a guy online. General chat then progressed to flirting. It became sexual, we started talking about our fantasies. His "darkest" one, to this day, makes me feel physically sick.

I have a young ***age daughter (she was 11 when all this was happening. 

This guy groomed me.... for about 18 months. Eventually he told me that his plan was to get my daughter pregnant and then have incestuous relationships going on with the four of us. I was that "under his spell" (Idk what word I'm looking for) that for I actually considered it!

Luckily, an event occurred that caused this guy to lose touch for a while (another story) and by the time he got back in touch I'd come to my senses and was on the road to recovery.

So @Donnykinkster for every arsehole and predator there is out there there's also people like you that look out for those of us that for whatever reason lack mental capacity to make good choices.

It's people like you that have, quite literally, saved my life.

Mo****

Mo****

Posted

Donny you are so right mate.  This life, along with normal (as others see it) life are filled with cunts who are only out for themselves at the expense of others.  This kinky life is made up of the Sharks/Rogues who are only interested in fresh meat, and when they have had their fill, they toss the carcass to one side and move on to the next victim, and they do it without any conscience at all.  Then there are the Pretenders who have no idea, and they are dangerous for all sorts of reasons as well, and finally the true dominants, who know that their subs need protecting, they know that they should always feel that they are in a safe place, and that their well-being matters.

Arseholes like the one you have described, do NEED and DESERVE some summary justice and re-education administered, and like you, I would readily volunteer to do it for and to them.

Mate this lass is so so lucky that you were there when she needed somebody.  There are so many submissives that don't understand this life, and who have rushed in early on in there time, WITHOUT realising the dangers, and this life has some real dangers to it, not just in some of the activities we engage in, but by the mindset of others, like this supposed dom.

 

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author
23 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

A few years ago, I was in a bad place mentally. Depressed (had been for years before it got picked up) I was drinking heavily, smoking a lot of weed. Lost.

I started chatted to a guy online. General chat then progressed to flirting. It became sexual, we started talking about our fantasies. His "darkest" one, to this day, makes me feel physically sick.

I have a young ***age daughter (she was 11 when all this was happening. 

This guy groomed me.... for about 18 months. Eventually he told me that his plan was to get my daughter pregnant and then have incestuous relationships going on with the four of us. I was that "under his spell" (Idk what word I'm looking for) that for I actually considered it!

Luckily, an event occurred that caused this guy to lose touch for a while (another story) and by the time he got back in touch I'd come to my senses and was on the road to recovery.

So @Donnykinkster for every arsehole and predator there is out there there's also people like you that look out for those of us that for whatever reason lack mental capacity to make good choices.

It's people like you that have, quite literally, saved my life.

 

It is grooming. That's exactly the right word. Bounty, I think you're so brave to share this story here. Maybe it will really help other women who've had similar experiences. Shame makes it hard to speak up. 

Dominants like this find your weaknesses and exploit them. Makes me feel sick. 

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author
7 minutes ago, MsWhiteRose said:

 

It is grooming. That's exactly the right word. Bounty, I think you're so brave to share this story here. Maybe it will really help other women who've had similar experiences. Shame makes it hard to speak up. 

Dominants like this find your weaknesses and exploit them. Makes me feel sick. 

Wow @LazyPiratesBounty,stunned.Thank you for the brutal honesty,can't be easy to type and a great example of courage.It seems I may be a little naive and have a lot to learn about human nature.Yes agree totally @MsWhiteRose "grooming" is a perfect description.

ey****

ey****

Posted

There's lots of thoughts this chucks up for me

one is why it's always important to keep pushing out positive information and sending positive messages which basically helps make sure folk know what is wrong and right - and knowing the difference between "doing something that is a limit 'for their Dominant'" and, well, being used, ***d or taken advantage of.

Especially important if someone has assorted MH struggles because some can be suspectable to do stuff they're not comfortable with for the attention and validation.

There are Dominants who will use subspace to play around with limits - and whether this is to consensually push is one thing, but a lot - deliberately or not - use it to break and push limits they have no real right to. 

It's why it's always good to keep speaking about consent, what it is and isn't - and where "doing it for your Dominant" is, sometimes, manipulation

Wo****

Wo****

Posted
8 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

Wow @LazyPiratesBounty,stunned.Thank you for the brutal honesty,can't be easy to type and a great example of courage.It seems I may be a little naive and have a lot to learn about human nature.Yes agree totally @MsWhiteRose "grooming" is a perfect description.

I still feel.... ashamed i guess. Even though i know it wasn't my fault. I wasn't in a healthy headspace. Looking back i can see how and where he played on my vulnerabilities, how he groomed me.

I used to think "pfft! Grooming? Being manipulated and coerced to that extent... no one can be influenced that much" until it happened to me.

 

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author

It can happen because subspace is a trance space. You are literally being hypnotized. There are some good articles around the web that back this up. 

I suppose it's why we need more education about what we're doing. We too blithely accept that subspace is great and pleasurable blah blah blah..... but it makes a sub very *** to influence and suggestion. 

And it brings me back to integrity. Dominants need to have the utmost integrity. I haven't seen nearly enough of that, in my own experience. 

Wo****

Wo****

Posted
27 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

There's lots of thoughts this chucks up for me

one is why it's always important to keep pushing out positive information and sending positive messages which basically helps make sure folk know what is wrong and right - and knowing the difference between "doing something that is a limit 'for their Dominant'" and, well, being used, ***d or taken advantage of.

Absolutely! One of his tactics, knowing i'm the sort to respond to challenges, would say "bet you won't do this for me/with me" 

Quote

Especially important if someone has assorted MH struggles because some can be suspectable to do stuff they're not comfortable with for the attention and validation.

I considered doing stuff that turns my stomach......  all so he would tell me i'd pleased him. I was that desperate for attention, validation...

What scares me is how "normal" it felt.

Quote

There are Dominants who will use subspace to play around with limits - and whether this is to consensually push is one thing, but a lot - deliberately or not - use it to break and push limits they have no real right to. 

Pirate will, and does, test my limits but it's something we do together, with care because it's something we've agreed on, we have a good enough rapport to do it safely.

Quote

It's why it's always good to keep speaking about consent, what it is and isn't - and where "doing it for your Dominant" is, sometimes, manipulation

Constant communication

Ky****

Ky****

Posted
18 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

I still feel.... ashamed i guess. Even though i know it wasn't my fault. I wasn't in a healthy headspace. Looking back i can see how and where he played on my vulnerabilities, how he groomed me.

I used to think "pfft! Grooming? Being manipulated and coerced to that extent... no one can be influenced that much" until it happened to me.

 

I must admit that's why I tend to shy away from age play, great if that's your thing, well apart from me pretending to be 19 yo 6th form girl, but at the back of my mind is always the thought of am I encouraging something that could get dangerous for someone else.  I've had someone as me to participate in a simulated version of what happened to you @LazyPiratesBounty for real.  He wanted a friend to pretend to be my daughter and then sort of proceed as you described.  It was total fantasy and the lady was 25 but he wanted her to pretend she was 10. tbh its about the only kinky thing that's freaked me out because it made me *** these might be more than age play games for him.  Reading what happened to you has rein***d this as a RED line HARD limit for me now.

Wo****

Wo****

Posted
2 minutes ago, Kymi said:

I must admit that's why I tend to shy away from age play, great if that's your thing, well apart from me pretending to be 19 yo 6th form girl, but at the back of my mind is always the thought of am I encouraging something that could get dangerous for someone else.  I've had someone as me to participate in a simulated version of what happened to you @LazyPiratesBounty for real.  He wanted a friend to pretend to be my daughter and then sort of proceed as you described.  It was total fantasy and the lady was 25 but he wanted her to pretend she was 10. tbh its about the only kinky thing that's freaked me out because it made me *** these might be more than age play games for him.  Reading what happened to you has rein***d this as a RED line HARD limit for me now.

Exactly the reason age play is an absolute hard limit for me too and why i don't think i will ever understand the motivation behind it.

ey****

ey****

Posted
18 minutes ago, MsWhiteRose said:

I suppose it's why we need more education about what we're doing. We too blithely accept that subspace is great and pleasurable blah blah blah..... but it makes a sub very *** to influence and suggestion. 

yep - for a few reasons.  This is an off shoot, but I was playing with a sub earlier this year who was restrained, she mentioned leg cramp so immediately we removed the ankle cuffs so she could move.  A decision was then kinda made to wrap the play up (it had been nearly 2 hours) and she then kinda felt afterwards that her leg cramp ended the session and we had to kinda tell her that, no, it didn't - it just did serve as a good prompt to end.  For *** she was ignore discomfort in the future to continue playing.   And that can be a risk with many other types of play and button pushing.

I think it's really important that both Dominants and subs know to stop (or call to stop) when things no longer are OK whatever that would be.

ey****

ey****

Posted
17 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Absolutely! One of his tactics, knowing i'm the sort to respond to challenges, would say "bet you won't do this for me/with me" 

this is something I think a lot of guys should think about and ties in with a post I might make this week about patterned behaviour.    But, we all kinda see (particularly) guys on the forums who'll write a form of challenge or neg - a bit "I bet nobody else is into this fetish" or "where are the genuine women" or something that ultimately issues a challenge.  As well as being a form of negging (and obvious baiting) a lot of people won't rise to it because of previous bad experiences with people who lay things out like challenges or dares.

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author
5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yep - for a few reasons.  This is an off shoot, but I was playing with a sub earlier this year who was restrained, she mentioned leg cramp so immediately we removed the ankle cuffs so she could move.  A decision was then kinda made to wrap the play up (it had been nearly 2 hours) and she then kinda felt afterwards that her leg cramp ended the session and we had to kinda tell her that, no, it didn't - it just did serve as a good prompt to end.  For *** she was ignore discomfort in the future to continue playing.   And that can be a risk with many other types of play and button pushing.

I think it's really important that both Dominants and subs know to stop (or call to stop) when things no longer are OK whatever that would be.

Yep understand that straight away, I've  learned that some do need protecting from them slaves to some extent especially when in subspace.

Wo****

Wo****

Posted
5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yep - for a few reasons.  This is an off shoot, but I was playing with a sub earlier this year who was restrained, she mentioned leg cramp so immediately we removed the ankle cuffs so she could move.  A decision was then kinda made to wrap the play up (it had been nearly 2 hours) and she then kinda felt afterwards that her leg cramp ended the session and we had to kinda tell her that, no, it didn't - it just did serve as a good prompt to end.  For *** she was ignore discomfort in the future to continue playing.   And that can be a risk with many other types of play and button pushing.

I think it's really important that both Dominants and subs know to stop (or call to stop) when things no longer are OK whatever that would be.

Random ish thought...

When Pirate and do our demos, i'll say stop and he uses something else. Like if he's using the dragon tail, i'll say (i "say" say, it's more of a whimpering whisper 🤪) and he'll then use the bullwhip, or flogger, or whatever.... "stop," for us, doesn't mean stop the session, it means stop that particular action because i'm reaching my limit with it. This is where the trust and communication comes in. If he ever carries on past that "stop" it would only ever be because we had agreed prior, so idk, maybe in a cnc scenario he would ignore "stop" or if i wanted to really test where my limit is. That said, idk if i ever want to test them to that extreme.

Stopping a session isn't a failure and having limits doesn't make you weak.

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author
31 minutes ago, MsWhiteRose said:

It can happen because subspace is a trance space. You are literally being hypnotized. There are some good articles around the web that back this up. 

I suppose it's why we need more education about what we're doing. We too blithely accept that subspace is great and pleasurable blah blah blah..... but it makes a sub very *** to influence and suggestion. 

And it brings me back to integrity. Dominants need to have the utmost integrity. I haven't seen nearly enough of that, in my own experience. 

Sadly integrity can be faked at the beginning of any relationship. Sucker them in till  an attachment grows then reveal what you really are.This is how it was for my friend when she first met him. Integrity and common decency are sadly social skills that are in short supply in all walks of life however it's can become a much more serious issue when we do the things we do.Serious stuff indeed.

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author

This is tricky because the whole point of submission is to…well…submit. However, one thing a Submissive should not be is a doormat. A Submissive shouldn’t allow you to do whatever you want. One of the biggest red flags I’ve ever heard was, “ I don’t have a safe word.” Submissive’s should absolutely have limits to what they do and don’t want from a Dominant. To indicate anything less is really a sign of a lack of bodily autonomy. That is more about self-harm than any release, physical or mental. Both parties want to have the most satisfactory D/S relationship they can. However, at the end of the day there are just some things they’ll have to learn with time. This is even more important to the Dominant since they act as the leading party in the relationship. Without their leadership and the right submissive for them then things are bound to go downhill quickly.

 

Unfortunately some “Dominants” are just ***rs hiding behind a personna and ultimately they just want to inflict physical and emotional ***. These ***s are hiding everywhere and some in plain sight. 

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author

I have met a few people through this site who I know will give me some honest advice , so I know how important it is to have trustworthy online friends, I'm an introvert so would struggle massively starting my own thread to seek advice, I'm not especially shy it's just that I find it hard to navigate a lot of different ideas and opinions

li****

li****

Posted

I've had a lot of shit happen to me in the beginning of my journey as a submissive. I was very very naive and didn't know where to go ect as I suffered with depression and anxiety for years I was in an abusive relationship for a while so I guess its what I was use to, to let guys find that bit of something they could use to get in my head and break me down cause of my mental health I saw no different cause my brain was telling me it was normal. I've had a guy from here who stole my pics and used them on another adult site all cause I dumped him for getting stalkerish with me. And had someone groom me also to the point he stole a load of *** from me cause he said I was his submissive I should hand over my cards cause he'd look after me ect 🤷‍♀️🙄 silly I know but it's what they do they get inside your head when your mental health is low and twist you to believe everything they say. Also had one Dom go pass my safeword to the point I was bruised and hurt emotionally I left the BDSM scene for 6 months. 

I've now found my Sir who has shown me the true meaning of a real Dom and has shown me that safewords are there for a reason and that once I say it, he will stop. 

But I think we need to get these stories out to people/new subs to help them see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and to read up as much as they can even down to asking questions to someone they can trust i.e a mentor of some sort. 

Ky****

Ky****

Posted
1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

this is something I think a lot of guys should think about and ties in with a post I might make this week about patterned behaviour.    But, we all kinda see (particularly) guys on the forums who'll write a form of challenge or neg - a bit "I bet nobody else is into this fetish" or "where are the genuine women" or something that ultimately issues a challenge.  As well as being a form of negging (and obvious baiting) a lot of people won't rise to it because of previous bad experiences with people who lay things out like challenges or dares.

oops, fallen for that one myself, defn need to learn to stop rising to it

Ky****

Ky****

Posted

@little-dark-princess presumably that means a sub who refuses to have one as an act of 'macho' pride, personally I don't have a safe word because a different D might not remember it, so I ask them for something memorable to them and rein*** it by holding an object in my hand.  If I drop that it doesn't end the session but I do get asked if I wanted it to end, sometimes the shock of a cane can cause such involuntary responses, so its not literally a safe word although on same principle

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