Too submissive to make safe decisions.

[Deleted Member]

31 minutes ago, Kymi said:

from what I've been reading on here, and other threads, I'm starting to ask questions of people in my life, it would have been safer if I'd known about this site long ago, thanks to all

I think that applies to most of us @Kymi.I have learnt so much from this site and others.

[J_****]

31 minutes ago, Kymi said:

from what I've been reading on here, and other threads, I'm starting to ask questions of people in my life, it would have been safer if I'd known about this site long ago, thanks to all

I couldn't agree more!  All of my vanilla friends warn me to be careful in this lifestyle, but I've had more respect and positive guidance from kinksters than I ever had in the vanilla world.  And the amount of personal growth in the time since I joined this site is immeasurable. x

[Wo****]

1 hour ago, J_Darkmoon said:

I couldn't agree more!  All of my vanilla friends warn me to be careful in this lifestyle, but I've had more respect and positive guidance from kinksters than I ever had in the vanilla world.  And the amount of personal growth in the time since I joined this site is immeasurable. x

Same here.

My life has transformed in the last year or so and it's largely down to the community here and the friends I've made, and the stuff I've learned through bdsm has been, and is, life changing.

[Mo****]

As you probably have guessed, like many of you I am on several sites.  In view of the discussions and revelations that have occurred through this thread, I thought it interesting and perhaps informative of what a friend, a submissive, has laid out from her perspective.  Please remember, this is NOT my work, but the opinion of a dear friend.

 

 

"Dominance

So, someone recently asked me what my thoughts were as far as what I thought a Dom should be. They pointed out the fact that here in the blogs there are many ideas of what a bad or fake Dom was, so they wanted my take on what a good one was. They thought that since I have been in the L/S for many years that I would have some clarity on the subject. I may be a submissive but as some of you that have spoken to me, know that I am a very strong woman. And as many have said I can be Dominate and intimidating in my vanilla life, but I am a submissive. I do not know if I know what a true Dom is, but this is what I look for in a Dom. Please keep in mind this is only my perspective.

I think that you get what you give, I have always been in the belief that a Dom will look after his sub and in turn she will look after him. It is very much a partnership in many ways. A dynamic of Trust and Intimacy that runs very deep. How can I let someone bind me and put a ball gag in if I cannot trust him? Why would I give control of my life to someone who has no control of his own? It takes a foundation to begin with before anything else.

So, what I look for are the following qualities to begin with. Integrity, Honesty, Faithfulness, Loyalty, Respect, Kindness, Tenderness, Strength, Personal Responsibility, Trust, Strictness, Sense of Humor, A little Sadistic, Patience, Playfulness, Understanding, Tolerance, Balance and The Ability to Love.
Now how he implements these things is a whole different thing.

A well, rounded Dom, should not only take the time to learn his submissive but also learn about himself. What are “his” personal limits? Dominance is not just barking orders but guiding. A good Dom will not set his submissive up to fail but make it so the she excels. It will bring both of them pleasure when she does. I think that it should be fun also. Whether it be wrestling around on the bed or just playful banter. It is not all about the kinky sex, it is about the D/s dynamic itself. It is about the connection that the two of you form. The ability to be able to look at each other across the table in a crowded room and know what is in the other’s mind while everyone else is clueless. To have that form of intimacy will reach you at your core. I think a Dom needs to have balance within himself to be able to handle life.

I think he should protect and cherish his submissive and I know everyone is going to roll their eyes when I say this. But when I give my submission it is a gift that I give to that man. I give it because he respects me above all else. I kneel before him not because he tells me to but because I want to, I need to because of what we have created. And even though I am the tool that brings him pleasure. Which I enjoy, but It is because he cannot imagine it being anyone else but me. That brings me more pleasure.

I know that I have gone back and forth between what I think a Dom should be but also the dynamic, but I think it is hard not to cross the lines. It is hard for me to say what a Dom should be. As I am a submissive and it is hard not speaking about what it is like from a submissive perspective. I can only say the qualities that I look for in a Dom.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, MossyBoy said:

As you probably have guessed, like many of you I am on several sites.  In view of the discussions and revelations that have occurred through this thread, I thought it interesting and perhaps informative of what a friend, a submissive, has laid out from her perspective.  Please remember, this is NOT my work, but the opinion of a dear friend.

 

 

"Dominance

So, someone recently asked me what my thoughts were as far as what I thought a Dom should be. They pointed out the fact that here in the blogs there are many ideas of what a bad or fake Dom was, so they wanted my take on what a good one was. They thought that since I have been in the L/S for many years that I would have some clarity on the subject. I may be a submissive but as some of you that have spoken to me, know that I am a very strong woman. And as many have said I can be Dominate and intimidating in my vanilla life, but I am a submissive. I do not know if I know what a true Dom is, but this is what I look for in a Dom. Please keep in mind this is only my perspective.

I think that you get what you give, I have always been in the belief that a Dom will look after his sub and in turn she will look after him. It is very much a partnership in many ways. A dynamic of Trust and Intimacy that runs very deep. How can I let someone bind me and put a ball gag in if I cannot trust him? Why would I give control of my life to someone who has no control of his own? It takes a foundation to begin with before anything else.

So, what I look for are the following qualities to begin with. Integrity, Honesty, Faithfulness, Loyalty, Respect, Kindness, Tenderness, Strength, Personal Responsibility, Trust, Strictness, Sense of Humor, A little Sadistic, Patience, Playfulness, Understanding, Tolerance, Balance and The Ability to Love.
Now how he implements these things is a whole different thing.

A well, rounded Dom, should not only take the time to learn his submissive but also learn about himself. What are “his” personal limits? Dominance is not just barking orders but guiding. A good Dom will not set his submissive up to fail but make it so the she excels. It will bring both of them pleasure when she does. I think that it should be fun also. Whether it be wrestling around on the bed or just playful banter. It is not all about the kinky sex, it is about the D/s dynamic itself. It is about the connection that the two of you form. The ability to be able to look at each other across the table in a crowded room and know what is in the other’s mind while everyone else is clueless. To have that form of intimacy will reach you at your core. I think a Dom needs to have balance within himself to be able to handle life.

I think he should protect and cherish his submissive and I know everyone is going to roll their eyes when I say this. But when I give my submission it is a gift that I give to that man. I give it because he respects me above all else. I kneel before him not because he tells me to but because I want to, I need to because of what we have created. And even though I am the tool that brings him pleasure. Which I enjoy, but It is because he cannot imagine it being anyone else but me. That brings me more pleasure.

I know that I have gone back and forth between what I think a Dom should be but also the dynamic, but I think it is hard not to cross the lines. It is hard for me to say what a Dom should be. As I am a submissive and it is hard not speaking about what it is like from a submissive perspective. I can only say the qualities that I look for in a Dom.

Well that for me says it perfectly mate. You should start a separate thread with this as it will encourage discussion.  Discussion encourages thought which helps others learn especially the naive. Great post

[Ky****]

@MossyBoy yep trust, being too quick to let someone bind and gag you has in the past allowed ***

[Deleted Member]

if what that dom done is despicable, maybe illegal and abusive he should be named and shamed. Last thing we want is that he's doing it again to someone else.  

 

ps: when quoting someone rather than post all of the quote just select few words and quote selection....

[Deleted Member]

I've checked with a mod @FabSeverus.As the interaction took place off site there is nothing they can do. I've spoken to the lass involved and she doesn't want him naming which I can understand.

 

I know I need to work on my quoting skills

[Su****]

I agree with you on giving some protection for those who are in need and who are "weak." Thanks for sharing this thread as well, but I do have to ask. What exactly was the most absurd thing that the lasses partner at the time had done in your opinion? And what are better ways of handling those things if at all when talking about such topics as well?

[Ky****]

49 minutes ago, Sunekoi-Sai said:

 

@Sunekoi-Sai, it might  be better to use the term '***' here, weak can be used to coerce people into doing things to  'prove' they aren't weak

[FoxRevontulet]

The dom friends I have made would with out a doubt interrupt a scene if another dom wasnt paying enough attention to the sub or bottom. Sometimes subs fall into subspace or dont know when they are at their limit. But the don can see every breathe increase, noise, physical response, facial expressions and should slowly build their play with a sub to get to know the sub better, their responses before really pushing the envelopes. I will say I have been in this Lass' shoes. I tried to be the sub that tried to tolerate things to appease the Dom beyond what I was comfortable with but was rewarded with safe words not being respected when it got passed too much. I was able to make it thru the scene and after ended all contact with them. But not every sub can do that.

[TemptressM]

The problem is in all walks of life whether vanilla or BDSM.  But with BDSM it becomes even more dangerous as its taken to the extreme.  It's not only males that do this but females too,  they pray on what they believe to be weak and take advantage of the person.  

I don't think that being too submissive is wrong its just that it makes them much more vurnable to be persuaded into doing think that they wouldn't normally do if they actually had the time to think on it.  

Something that could help is having a check list with specific questions to ask the Dominant.  Hard questions that can maybe give you some insight into them.  A Dominant should never shy away from answering any question that a submissive asks even if its personal. 

 

I do want to say thank you to Donny and the other amazing Dominants that have commented on here, we need to band together to give the subs the strength that they already have so that things like this do not happen.  

Some people believe that this life style is about praying on people to get what they want and its sickening that they can get away with it.  It's *** plain and simple. Also just becasue it happened off site, doesnt mean something shouldnt be done about it, if she met him on here there should be some form of responsibility so that he can't keep doing this. 

I would also like to thank all the subs who have shared there stories so that it helps others.  I am so glad you all found your inner strength and realized that you all deserve so much more.

Being a Dominant is about caring for our subs, to NOT take advantage of them when they tell us they will do anything for us.  We NEED to get the message out there of how a sub is suppose to be treated.

 

 

Edited May 13, 2020 by TemptressM
spelling

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, TemptressM said:

 

Being a Dominant is about caring for our subs, to NOT take advantage of them when they tell us they will do anything for us.  We NEED to get the message out there of how a sub is suppose to be treated.

 

 

And that paragraph says it all, care being the keyword. Sadly many "Doms" are all about themselves with zero thought for the long term affects. Angers me much 

[La****]

TKS for the post and comments, very interesting and helpful, specially for those "newbies" like me.