Deleted Member Posted May 16 Have you ever been in that situation where you're talking to somebody (like, really vibing) and it's not official, but it's something. You’re not out here being thirsty. You’re not collecting hearts like Infinity Stones. You’re just talking to one person, and it feels mutual. So when the DMs start rolling in, you’re like, “Nah, I’m good.” You try to lock it down, make a little digital moat. Just enough to say: Not today, nipple avatars. So you change something in your profile to try and create a boundary. And now she’s the one who sees it! And suddenly she’s like, “Oh, you have a partner?” And you’re standing there like, “No! That wasn’t for you! That was for the unsolicited nudes from Colorado!” It’s like putting up a "Do Not Disturb" sign so you can take a nap, and your crush sees it and just walks away forever. You’re in the hallway, bathrobe open, screaming “I meant strangers! Not you! Come back!” You tried to create a boundary to create space for the person you’re interested in—and they responded to it like a stranger would. Now you’re stuck in this weird limbo: trying to prove you’re not a player, while simultaneously looking like you have a secret wife and three burner phones. * So, spill it. Has anyone else out there accidentally friend zoned themselves with a preemptive thirst trap repellent? * Or is this just my special brand of romantic self-sabotage? Asking for a friend ... who is definitely me in a slightly less revealing bathrobe. * Seriously though, has anyone else pulled this kind of boneheaded move? -- And more importantly, did they ever recover?
Deleted Member Posted May 16 Author 20 minutes ago, betterWhenWetter said: Just tell the girl it's because you get unwanted attention. Ha fair. I was just trying to say "I’m choosing you" without sounding like a clingy golden retriever -- might have overcorrected. Could be I said it too late because I assumed something . . . or too early, before she finished sorting her own mess. Either way, timing’s a cruel wingman.
On**** Posted May 16 Whether it's a dating app or a workplace or a one off chance meeting in public, We begin a vetting process in our mind, "do I trust you? Am I safe? The answer starts at 'I don't know' interacting in conversation, words, body language all become indicators of building trust with anyone. That process starts at perceived impression, how you look, your body language etc, as we interact we begin increasing that trust. When we are caught in a lie regardless of the reason that trust is now gone. Depending on the reason for the interaction in the first place will likely stop immediately, at the very least your integrity is now damaged. "if% this person is willing to lie about something minor, why would they not lie about something major?" I would own it, and not do this with the next person. It's very easy to temporarily stop a dating account and restart later if desired. It's also very easy to add a 'Taking a break from the app for awhile' "do not disturb" would have been much better. Good luck
Deleted Member Posted May 16 Author I know, right? I felt like I should’ve framed the moment -- or at least offered a commemorative tote bag. That explains it! She was probably thinking, "thank God, I almost liked this guy. "
Deleted Member Posted May 16 Yes, but I deceived myself with their flirtatious nature and misread their message!!! Lol
Deleted Member Posted May 17 My favorite part is getting a hello then an instant request for my private pics. I mean at least put some effort in getting to know me unless you are direct and simply want to see nudes and aren't even interested in me as a person. Especially if your literally 1500 miles away. I may feel inclined to accept your request if you are actually honest.
Ki**** Posted May 17 5 hours ago, MissKittyKibbles80 said: My favorite part is getting a hello then an instant request for my private pics. I mean at least put some effort in getting to know me unless you are direct and simply want to see nudes and aren't even interested in me as a person. Especially if your literally 1500 miles away. I may feel inclined to accept your request if you are actually honest. I’m good. IF and when I’ve chatted with you long enough, you so chose to share, I’m sure you’d ask first! And if I wasn’t interested prior, then I had better made THAT clear in previous conversations so I didn’t cause you embarrassment or me discomfort by having received an offer from you and turning it down.
BreezyBre Posted May 17 Tell her! Be honest, she may find it endearing and you can't really make the situation any worse right?
Deleted Member Posted May 18 Not in such a public way, no. . It involved telling one person I’d been chatting with here that things were becoming intense with a different person I was chatting with … I thought I was letting them know about how my attention was getting split, and they assumed I was telling them I was no longer interested. . Before things went nuclear with the intense person, the regular person popped back into my DMs asking if I’d still be interested so it ended up working out okay. . I have noticed that putting very noticeable announcements of my STI status on my profile has significantly lowered the amount of inquiries I get, so when you want fewer contacts in the future consider highlighting something about yourself that’s considered a stigma. . I designed it to look informative rather than negative because I’m disclosing important information about myself rather than telling certain types of people to bug off. I’ve noticed that folks tend to show themselves out without so much as a ***p most of the time.
ey**** Posted May 18 With a slight tongue-in-check given how many guys complain that they have to make the first move - or - how hard it is to get a reply etc - there must be some deep magic to not only have a conversation going somewhere but someone else expressing interest you wish to deflect Obviously hindsight is a bitch - but - I've found when someone is interested they tend to pay more attention to what you do, for assorted reasons - that they are genuinely interested and so interested in status updates, what you write in the forums and will sometimes re-read over your profile But also because they will be looking for flags, that as well as trying to build a picture on things they like about you - also looking for times where you'll say different things publicly and privately or whether seemingly playing - read something elsewhere earlier today which was a simple example of a turnoff of guys coming into their inbox saying how wonderful they were when they could see they'd been saying the same things on multiple people's pictures. Mind, sometimes context lacks there. By irony, putting up a post like this might make this person re-read and see this wasn't meant as it was said - but - hey, who knows. I guess the thing is if there are additional messages coming in, you don't actually have to reply to them. You can say thanks but no thanks. It is possible to say no without trying to deter people. Or you can even reply but make it clear you are with advance talks with someone else.
Deleted Member Posted August 25 Not quite the same thing as what the OP experienced, but it struck a chord with me. On one of the more vanilla dating sites/apps, I began dating someone and thought things were off to a pretty good start. We had similar interests, the chemistry worked, and we were physically attracted to each other. We dated for almost six weeks, but neither of us had hidden or deleted our dating profiles - I didn't think much of it, we were still just "dating" and hadn't talked about going exclusive (and for argument's sake, we agreed on our shared policy of deleting dating profiles after "the talk"). I was pretty happy with her and was only signing on when I received an alert about a wink or message - all of them were either clearly fake profiles or no interest to me. And I noticed that she was signing on from time to time, too (again, we hadn't declared ourselves exclusive and I'm not the insecure or jealous type). I figured she was doing the same thing I was. Of course, that all came to a grinding halt one night when she called me, seemingly not happy over the fact that I was on the dating site a day after one of our dates (or rather, an "all weekend long" date if you get the idea). She had a few drinks in her after a night out with her girlfriends and was clearly upset before calling me. I tried defusing the situation, explaining that I was just "taking out the trash" so to speak and pointed out that she's been on the site from time to time, too. She not being happy with that explanation, I earnestly suggested we both at least hide our profiles given how well things were going (I didn't want to push my luck, I felt that the "let's be exclusive" suggestion might be a bridge too far at the time). The call ended with her having a tantrum, calling me everything but a human being, and hanging up on me. I'm the type that values a good "cooling down" period after an argument, so I left her alone for the next day or two and went out of my way to stay off the dating site. I appreciate that men have a stereotypical reputation for cheating, but I wasn't trying to and genuinely wasn't talking to or searching for anyone else. I attempted calling her and the reasoning she gave me was that one of her friends caught her boyfriend cheating (he was playing around on a popular posting site - you can probably guess which one - that no longer has personal ads), and between the emotional commiserating and too much alcohol, she was in a really sensitive state that night. While we agreed that wasn't good, she was very resistant to hiding or taking down our dating profiles. This led to a "why not?" discussion and she wasn't on the same page as I was about where we were. In my defense, I'm not the type to set unbendable rules or boundaries on a relationship - some move fast, some move slow. I trust my instincts and intuition about timing in a relationship, but obviously I'm not 100% on reading the room with someone. Sadly, that was pretty much the end of that relationship. Funny thing, I spotted her on other dating sites I tried after that, and she reached out to me about a year later "just to see how I was doing." We caught up about our work/careers, dating experiences, but neither of us had found anyone long-term. The talk ended on a very awkward "well, this was nice, have a good one" note. To this day, I still wonder if she was fishing to see if we'd possibly date again, but her insecurity was still pretty evident and I had some other things going on in my life that made a relationship problematic at the time (i.e., family commitments, demanding work schedule, etc.).
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