Busy Dom

[Deleted Member]

My husband and I are in a D/S relationship. I, being the dom am a teacher and I also work another job in the early mornings. We have 2 children... And life gets busy. My sub gets upset that he feels like he does not get enough attention from me. Yet I give him spankings every morning, make him wear a cock cage, butt plug training, have at least 1 long scene a week (with mini scenes in between), he wears panties, etc. How do I balance real life and BDSM. Sometimes we feel the sexual tension gets lost in between the children bugging us, or work calls, etc. What are other ideas that I can do to implement in our regular day to day that will help keep up the tension, and the fun of it? 

[Ki****]

My Dom sets me weekly tasks and if I do well I get extra treats during our play session, and if I do badly or fail I either don't get my treats or I get a punishment. Tasks I've done range from erotic creative writing, or artwork, gathering my favourite BDSM AtoZ items, taking selfies, pamper Sir for an evening (e.g. dinner and a massage), and so on. It keeps me busy planning and executing whilst keeping the tension up for if I do badly.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, KittyKuffs said:

My Dom sets me weekly tasks and if I do well I get extra treats during our play session, and if I do badly or fail I either don't get my treats or I get a punishment. Tasks I've done range from erotic creative writing, or artwork, gathering my favourite BDSM AtoZ items, taking selfies, pamper Sir for an evening (e.g. dinner and a massage), and so on. It keeps me busy planning and executing whilst keeping the tension up for if I do badly.

What is gather your favorite bdsm A to Z items? 

[Jinxy]

It sounds like you have a lot going on! It can be hard to manage it all. If you haven’t already, I would start with asking him what he means by “not enough attention”. I could see it going several ways (sexual attention, emotional attention, service attention) and how it would be best to approach it would depend on his answer. 
 

For example, if he feels he’s needing more opportunities for service, then as @KittyKuffs having tasks for him to do each day would be a great place to start. These could be sexual, fun, or ones that would help you out (such as grocery shopping). Depending on how intricate you want to get with it, you can create a points system that you can use to reward your husband for tasks completed (or punishments, if not). I won’t go into too much detail about that but if you want more, feel free to message me.

If it’s emotional attention, maybe having a comfort day would be helpful? Where there’s not play necessarily just a lot of cuddling and petting. Sometimes with a busy schedule the aftercare/comfort can get a bit shortened. Having a specific day, or a random day where either of you can say “I need comfort day today”, might help ease some of the feelings of not getting attention. 
 

If it’s sexual attention, a good idea might be to have both of you write a list or give top three of different things you’d like to try or see more of in the bedroom. Go over them together and see if there are ways in which they can be implemented. Sometimes all it needs is a little shake up from the routine to get you back on track. 
 

Remember, you are not alone in this. Although you are the Dominant, it is not your sole responsibility to come up with all the ideas. Hope this helps! Good luck! 
 

Jinx

[TemptressM]

Can I ask ?   You give a list of things that you are doing for him but haven't mentioned anything that he is doing for you.  If he wants to free up more of your time, is he helping around the house,  cleaning cooking ? 

 

Sit and talk with him and come up with something that will work for both of you.  But as someone else said, just because you are the Dominant doesn't mean you do all the work in this. 

[Deleted Member]

look like a high maintenance sub, as Temp said hes very demanding for a sub....

[Jinxy]

Another option for adding some variety and spontaneity is doing some challenges. They can be ones that you do together or ones he has to do (with reward/funishment based on his performance). You can make a wheel of different ones, roll die and the number can correspond to the numbered list of challenge ideas, you can draw popsicle sticks with it written on it, etc. These challenges as well don’t have to be sexual and in addition, you can make them some of them “unfair” in that it would be almost guaranteed that he would lose (ex. if you’re doing ones together, weight it in your favor). The unfair part might be especially fun if he sometimes likes to be the top. I’m not sure if I’m explaining it well, but it does help add some randomness to play and takes some pressure off you not always having to make the decision on what to do next to keep it lively.

[Si****]

5 hours ago, emdom said:

What is gather your favorite bdsm A to Z items? 

KittyKuffs had to lay an item of a sexual/BDSM or kink related for each letter. If she didn't have the Item she could place a picture of the item or a fantasy as a replacement. Points for original things beyond the norm such as something else for V instead of Vibrator.

I try to make sure household chores are done in the week to keep the weekends free for fun and play. Also play without warning, no hints or prep time. Tasks that have some risk are also fun. Dice roulette where 1-5 are nice things but 6 is something negative. It cant all be nice and fun. (Ive made my own BDSM dice)

You could create some cards with words or pictures on them that have a meaning, then lay one on your pillow to have him act out for you when you come home. Or hide one somewhere and set a time limit to find it. Like a treasure hunt with pleasure as the reward. Then the pleasure gets less the longer it takes to find.

[Deleted Member]

These are some great ideas.
I would mention, in no means is he a lazy sub. He cleans the house, dishes, laundry, floors, etc. he also does a majority of the child stuff (we have 2 kids). He typically is up at 4-5am cleaning (his choice to wake up that early). And then he feels like he is waiting around for me to play with him, and devote my attention to him. So I feel like I run out of ideas because all of his tasks are done before 7am. And I still have to work. I hope that makes sense?

[TemptressM]

That's fine, I just wanted to clarify that he was in fact doing things too. 

Are you in a FLR or is this suppose to be for play time? 

a lot depends on how you want things to go,  there has to be set limits for work time and a set time for family time too.  Out with that as some have mentioned there can be little tasks set that might give him more of what he is needing. 

without knowing the sorts of things you both like its hard to give specific tasks but you can find a lot of things online,  writing tasks,  chastity tasks.  tasks that help with patience. 

[Deleted Member]

@TemptressM we’re in a FLR. I think it’s just hard that I get caught up in work, and he doesn’t do much during the day other than cleaning or dealing with kids. He sometimes feels I’m like blowing him off, which I’m not. I just have stuff to do. I do make time for him. It’s hard to balance at times.

[TemptressM]

From what I have researched a FLR can be a lot to take on, especially from the Dominants side as you make all the choices.  I really do not know much about it to give you sound advice to be honest.   

Do you work from home or out of the house.  Maybe sent him a text with a task to do and have him send you pics to prove he is doing it.   Set him a writing task and have him write down the things that he enjoys in a FLR and the things he doesn't,  it might give you an idea on what to do from there.  I do know as a person that you cannot give another your full attention every min of every day.  

Make sure and let him know that you appreciate the things he does,  tell him when he is being good or maybe give him a treat. 

As I said without knowing what kind of kinks you both like its hard to give specifics on tasks you can do 

Feel free to send me a message if you want to

Edited June 12, 2020 by TemptressM
added more

[Jinxy]

44 minutes ago, EmDomme said:

@TemptressM we’re in a FLR. I think it’s just hard that I get caught up in work, and he doesn’t do much during the day other than cleaning or dealing with kids. He sometimes feels I’m like blowing him off, which I’m not. I just have stuff to do. I do make time for him. It’s hard to balance at times.

That can be hard to balance. This is why I'm hoping they do a workshop on here about time management with the lifestyle and life because I think it's something many people struggle with at some point. Maybe you've already done this, but I could see a weekly schedule being beneficial. This can be a lot of front end work to initially set up but then once it's in place it could be helpful for him to see what he can do during the day to keep himself busy. Here too, you can make each completed task a weighted point and then have a list of tiered rewards he can use by "cashing" in points (some of which he can do on his own while you're at work, with permission). If he's getting some rewards, with permission, this might ease some of the boredom he might be feeling during the day (And, again, these don't all have to be sexual based and can depend on how "strict" you are overall. 1 hour of his favorite TV show, eating a snack you don't usually allow, etc). Plus with him asking permission it can rein*** you as the Domme. I'm not sure if you have a job that would allow for this type of check in from him though. 

Another option, making the tasks he's already doing more challenging or interesting. You said he's doing anal training so maybe for when he's doing the dishes or laundry having him wear an anal vibe. Or maybe he has some fitness or health goals, so making him do an exercise between each load of wash. Just little things that maybe break up the day for him from it being the same. 

[Deleted Member]

@TemptressM and @Jinxy Really good advice . I’m a teacher, on summer vacation though. So we’re all in the house. Our kids are pretty demanding... they’re 3 and 5. It’s hard to get “alone time”. I also still have do be in my office for parts of the day for summer teaching professional development stuff.
I think I’ll make a schedule and do some sort of point system. I’m going to check in more frequently and make sure he knows I appreciate the things he does. I want to incorporate some fun games such as a bdsm dice game or things along those lines. I want to make tasks for him to be more interesting and get more of a reward if he does well, or punishment if he doesnt. Sometimes I feel like we get stuck in a routine and looses it “funness”. I mean some days it’s great; other days it feels like more work than play.

[TemptressM]

You should try and change his tasks every month,  make a spread sheet of things that he has to do.  It can get boring if you are both doing the same thing over and over.  Cleaning can be made more exciting with hiden things like an anal hook that has rope attached and runs up to his collar so that when he moves it constantly tugs on the hook.

Have him stand at a wall and hold a pencil between him butt cheeks and depending on how long he holds it,  he gets a set amount of strokes. 

Allow him a set time to masturbate but give him a set amount of time to cum,  if he doesnt cum in that set time then he has to stop.  Also there are some good vids on tease and denial that you can find,   Velvet Veronica is a good name to look for as well as Maria Keifer.  There are also Pyramids that you can do that give him a chance to have an orgasm too. 

[Jinxy]

3 hours ago, EmDomme said:

@TemptressM and @Jinxy Really good advice . I’m a teacher, on summer vacation though. So we’re all in the house. Our kids are pretty demanding... they’re 3 and 5. It’s hard to get “alone time”. I also still have do be in my office for parts of the day for summer teaching professional development stuff.
I think I’ll make a schedule and do some sort of point system. I’m going to check in more frequently and make sure he knows I appreciate the things he does. I want to incorporate some fun games such as a bdsm dice game or things along those lines. I want to make tasks for him to be more interesting and get more of a reward if he does well, or punishment if he doesnt. Sometimes I feel like we get stuck in a routine and looses it “funness”. I mean some days it’s great; other days it feels like more work than play.

You’re not alone in that. I think everyone has moments whether vanilla or BDSM where they get to certain stages where there can be a bit of a lull and seem routine. You’re being proactive about it so that’s great! And you asking this question helps others, myself included. You’re doing amazing. 😊