Are you in a D/s relationship? writer Sienna Saint-Cyr shares her thoughts on how her Dom helps her with everything from riding the train alone to overcoming deep trauma. She explains what submission means to her and why the illusion of control in a D/s relationship is just that... an illusion.


Illusions of Control

When in a D/s relationship, who is really in control? Some will say the Dom/Domme, while others insist it’s actually the submissive. I feel both are in control but in different ways…and both are powerful in different ways.

As a submissive, I choose to submit to my Dom. He doesn’t force me. So while he’s in control when I’m submitting to him, the fact that I’m choosing to submit takes things to a level of equality. There is also a wonderful power in letting go of my power. To be able to feel it in me and hand it over willingly is freeing. It also has benefits that I don’t have access to when I’m in my Domme place.

For example, my Dom helps me be a better person. He encourages me to try harder and do things I’m afraid of. Even when I’m having a full panic attack, he’ll instruct me to calm down, reassure me that I can handle it, then tell me to go do the thing I’m freaking out over. Sometimes it’s something simple, like riding a train alone.  Other times he might help out more, or go with me because it’s a bigger fear that might involve triggering. The bottom line, though, is that he offers me tough love. He doesn’t let me give in to my fear and that helps me grow. This is only something I gain while I’m submitting. So for me, submission is power.

Woman in collar and chain |
Submission, for some people, is power.

Tough Love

When I’m in my Domme space, I also encourage submissives to face fears. To learn and to grow.  I give tough love as well. It’s just as helpful to them as it is to me when I’m being urged to face something I don’t want to face. Facing fears is hard. Dealing with trauma is hard. Accepting who we are and making changes to better ourselves is hard. But when we have a Dominant at our back telling us we can do it, that gives us power as well. Even in Domme space I grow and face things I’m struggling with. Especially if a submissive has been really good or begged properly because I want to reward them even if that reward might be triggering for me trauma is hard.

While dominating someone, I’m in complete control. Yet I’m also not. Because the sub can safe word at any time and I stop whatever is happening. I may push the submissive’s boundaries with consent to do so, but still, the one really dictating that scenario is the submissive. So who really has the power in D/s relationships?


I believe control is an illusion

In healthy D/s, both parties have power. Both have control. Both can help the other learn and grow, only through different means. The power and control exerted are given, not taken. And it’s in this place of giving—handing over control—that I find the real power.

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