Molly's BDSM Tips | What is Heteroflexibility?

Our resident BDSM agony aunt Molly returns with advice for one FET member on the verge of exploring same-sex desires. Read on to discover more about the meaning of being heteroflexible and the advice Molly has to give...

Dear Molly,
I've started going to a couple of local munches and recently met a nice girl, and we've been having a fun time. We discussed watching porn, and she said she loved gay porn, especially guys giving other guys blowjobs. I didn't say anything at the time as I was a bit embarrassed, but while I've never thought I was gay or even attracted to men, I have thought about sucking another guy. During the chat, she mentioned the word heteroflexibility. In fact, what she said was, "heteroflexible guys are the best!" I think the meaning of heteroflexible may apply to me, but how can I know for sure I'm not gay or bi?
H. Flexible.

Dear H. Flexible,
Heteroflexible is a term used within and outside the gay community to define someone who identifies as mostly heterosexual, but is open to or interested in sexual interactions with someone of the same sex. Sometimes, heteroflexible people are only open to aspects of same-sex relations, often just sexual, but occasionally it can include emotional relationships. Heteroflexibility can apply to anyone.

The word 'flexible' is the key within the label as that sums up the meaning of being heteroflexible; that your sexual desires are flexible. With the right person in the right setting, you can be attracted to someone of the same sex. The hetero part of the label indicates you're mostly straight and attracted to the opposite sex, but that term (or its expectations) feel too rigid and constraining.

The meaning of heteroflexible: does it make me gay?

Absolutely not. This is one of those accusations often thrown around to shame people who won't fit neatly into mainstream expectations of sexuality. The idea that someone's desires can be fluid and evolve with time and experience can be challenging for some people.
 

However, we know that human sexuality is not neat and linear but fluid – and often messy! Of course, some people identify as 100% straight or 100% gay, but for many, the truth of their sexuality lies somewhere between those two poles. Perhaps you're heteroflexible, or perhaps you may consider yourself to be bisexual if the idea of giving another guy a blow job turns you on a lot? 

Making labels work for you

The key with any label – whether it be about who you may or may not be attracted to – or a kink label such as being Dominant or submissive or a masochist or a Sadist – is to work out precisely what it means for you. Take the general label or term and define it for yourself rather than allowing yourself to be defined by it. Think of labels as an umbrella.
 

For example, if someone identifies as submissive, they're under that term with everyone else who labels themselves as such, but that doesn't mean that being sub works the same way for everyone in that group. That label is a general clue to what a person might like or what their kink relationship looks like, but if you want to know how it works for them individually, you'd need to ask them.

Identifying as heteroflexible and being curious about heteroflexibility is the same. It indicates to others that you're mostly straight, but beyond that, what it means in practical terms is unique to you and your desires.

How do you know if you're heteroflexible?

As you've thought about giving another guy a blowjob, it's enough to show some flexibility or fluidity to your sexual orientation. How far that goes in practice is another question altogether. 
 

“Heteroflexible is a term used within and outside the gay community to define someone who identifies as mostly heterosexual, but is open to or interested in sexual interactions with someone of the same sex.”

How being heteroflexible works for you is to explore it in more practical terms. That doesn't mean you need to rush out and find someone to give a blowjob to (although maybe that might happen eventually), but permit yourself to explore those desires fully in private. You might want to look for some male/male erotic stories to try or maybe audio porn. Listening to someone read sexy stories can allow you to explore your thoughts and feelings and use your imagination in a way that visual porn might not. 

Suck it and see: heteroflexibility can be explored

However, visual porn is also a good idea. There's a vast amount of male/male porn out there, so it'll probably take some work to find the type of porn that suits you. You might want to try looking for bisexual threesomes or just male bisexual-type tags to find something that might work for you. Don't be restricted by that, though. Watching different content will likely help you work out what kind of thing works for you and what doesn't.

Heteroflexibility: beyond your fantasies

Being turned on by something and acting on it can be two different things. Many people watch certain types of porn but would never actually want to do those things themselves, and it's a perfectly legitimate choice. 
 

“Identifying as heteroflexible and being curious about heteroflexibility is the same. It indicates to others that you're mostly straight, but beyond that, what it means in practical terms is unique to you and your desires.”

Remember, this is about finding out what works for you. Many people explore their desires in real life, which would be a natural progression in your journey, and there are many possible options. Perhaps find a friend or someone in the kink community who you might be open to experimenting with, or you could always try a dating app such as our very own FET (you can download it below). The downside of apps is that it can be harder to know if you click with someone beforehand, but be clear about what you might like, and it should be fine.

Should I talk to my partner about being heteroflexible?

I'd suggest that the best way to explore your sexuality would be to include the new female play partner you mentioned. It sounds like that they're a fun and open-minded person, so telling them that you have thought about sucking another guy but never done it would be a great idea.
 

Starting this conversation with them will allow them to support you through your adventures and hopefully join you for some of them, too, if that works for you. Maybe having them watching you suck off another man would be part of what makes it hot for you – and knowing your partner is turned on would help build your confidence. However, ensure you convey any fears, worries, or hesitancy about it with them too. 
 

Be clear that you want to take your time and maybe talk about it to start with – they might be up for maybe reading male/male stories with you or watching some porn and seeing if it gets you both off. Learning and exploring with a partner and finding out what they like (and what you like in the process) is the key to a happy and healthy sex life. My advice is to embrace what being heteroflexible means for you and see where it takes you.

Good luck!
Molly x

Want Molly to help you out with a kink-related issue? Contact Molly via her profile. Think you may be heteroflexible? Check out this thread on heteroflexibility in our fetish forum and discuss with other kinksters...

 
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