Things to do if you don’t get a response

[Ma****]

A whole lot of speaking in absolutes about people's motivations and mindset based on minimal information in this whole topic. I can tell you for a fact that anyone that assumes anything about another person based on a few messages in an app is dead wrong. If a normal hello gets someone shut down then that person is better off. If you fail to read the mind of the other person and that gets you shut down, you're better off. I don't need or want a rule book for interacting with someone. Anyone that starts claiming, "do this, don't do this" is either inexperienced or a liar.

[Ma****]

To the person struggling, I know it may not be if much help but a feeling of lacking worth or that something is wrong with you because you get ignored on apps is definitely not to be ignored. For one, it comes through in subtle ways that will turn people off. Then it also leads to seeking out connection more often and more feverishly. Which in turn exacerbates the feeling of isolation and loneliness that leads to feeling like you aren't good enough. It's a cycle. In truth I think the people that consider themselves successful on apps have a very healthy self love. They also aren't looking as hard for someone as someone who needs that connection to feel whole. They fulfill their lives in other ways. I say all this because a lot of your comments resonate with my experiences dealing with borderline personality disorder. It is predominantly an issue of having a distorted sense of self that leads to self loathing, impulsive behavior, depression, and a variety of attachment disorders.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, stellakitty said:

“Hi, how are you” is how people start conversations in person I see it often and it works just weird would be considered Minimal effort on a app

I also don’t even know how else to start a convo never used anything else before

Once I can get that fixed I’m also wondering on why I haven’t been approached on apps

The "hi how are you" falls into social etiquette.  Like, if you see a total stranger on the street and they stop you with "hi, how are you" then most people wouldn't stop immediately to have a conversation with this total stranger.  Most would be apprehensive to cut through to the "OK, so what do you want?" assuming they're selling something, about to ask for ***, or maybe they're from out of town and are asking for directions - regardless of what they ultimately want whether it is a conversation, to get you to change energy supplier, ask for cash or want to know where the post office is - you want them to cut to what they actually want.

If it's a more social situation - there's not necessarily a reason to lead with "how are you?" and expect them to give the routine "I'm fine (a lie) and how are you?" to give you the option to also lie.  Like if you're at a gig you might ask people what they've thought about the band, or at a munch it might be "Hi, I'm ______ are you good if I sit here?" - how are you as a small talk nicety is usually best with someone you already know. 

When reaching out to someone on dating, websites, etc. there is no reason to wait for their response to a nicety to actually follow up with what you want.  "Hello, How are you?  I saw your profile and I'm not far from you and also have an interest in x - what do you like about it?" or something like that gives an actual prompt for people to reply.

For why you haven't been approached first.  Women tend to be pickier than men.   Men will message everyone from the high effort profiles to people who are blank who haven't even filled it in yet.  Women for assorted reasons tend to have to want a reason to message someone.  They're also less likely to make a first move.  Some for good reasons, some less so. (there's been plenty of threads on here over the years where there's women who through societal reasons feel they shouldn't make the first move.  There's also those who find that making the first move often results in the man then treating them like they're easy, or, that they're fake)  

[Ma****]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

The "hi how are you" falls into social etiquette.  Like, if you see a total stranger on the street and they stop you with "hi, how are you" then most people wouldn't stop immediately to have a conversation with this total stranger.  Most would be apprehensive to cut through to the "OK, so what do you want?" assuming they're selling something, about to ask for ***, or maybe they're from out of town and are asking for directions - regardless of what they ultimately want whether it is a conversation, to get you to change energy supplier, ask for cash or want to know where the post office is - you want them to cut to what they actually want.

If it's a more social situation - there's not necessarily a reason to lead with "how are you?" and expect them to give the routine "I'm fine (a lie) and how are you?" to give you the option to also lie.  Like if you're at a gig you might ask people what they've thought about the band, or at a munch it might be "Hi, I'm ______ are you good if I sit here?" - how are you as a small talk nicety is usually best with someone you already know. 

When reaching out to someone on dating, websites, etc. there is no reason to wait for their response to a nicety to actually follow up with what you want.  "Hello, How are you?  I saw your profile and I'm not far from you and also have an interest in x - what do you like about it?" or something like that gives an actual prompt for people to reply.

For why you haven't been approached first.  Women tend to be pickier than men.   Men will message everyone from the high effort profiles to people who are blank who haven't even filled it in yet.  Women for assorted reasons tend to have to want a reason to message someone.  They're also less likely to make a first move.  Some for good reasons, some less so. (there's been plenty of threads on here over the years where there's women who through societal reasons feel they shouldn't make the first move.  There's also those who find that making the first move often results in the man then treating them like they're easy, or, that they're fake)  

You have many valid insights and you don't generalize. Good on you! I would add that even though "Hi how are you, I'm so-and-so." Is low effort, that sometimes low effort is justified. For example if you match with a person that has next to nothing filled out it vague and obviously sarcastic information, then what is there to break the ice with? There's also the cases when you might not see much that really seems interesting in their profile but you are obviously attracted to them. In that case, at least in my case, I'm not going to put a serious effort into initiating communication. Doing so consistently is emotional investment that person hasn't earned and most likely never will. If I did invest to time and consideration it would become exhausting. It's probably the same reason some women choose not to message men first. If a conversation can begin it's because they saw my low effort message, thought I was attractive at the least, and went to my profile to learn about me. They then choose to reply or not. If they go low effort, I return low effort. If they want to know me they will ask a question and that provides an opening. Namely, whatever they are curious about is obviously something that's important to them, so I can learn that and also what's important about it to them. There is a small helpful trick to get started if you lack experience making conversation. Start with the hi how are you. Also add an introduction, and then ask a question. If you can throw in some humor it always helps. So for instance, you see someone you're interested in and they took the time to fill out their profile. Hello. I'm Marvel. I love the effort you put into your bio. I'm terrible at those. I see you are passionate about horror movies. I love horror movies. What was the last one you saw that you enjoyed?

The key here is introduction, share some kind of appreciation that isn't about their looks. They know they're pretty. Men tell them 100 times a day on every app. Worst case, they have low self esteem and such a complement will get you near instantly ignored. Then show you know how to read by actual saying something insightful about what they put the effort into sharing. Then find a way to leave with a question that isn't taxing. I don't ask, what's your favorite. That's usually a hard one to answer and leads nowhere.

Then keep going. Always find a way to avoid dead ends. Keep asking questions. It gets more natural over time. I still do this with friends I've known for years.

[st****]

I understand now

This is horrible and guess good luck in my search lol even when I put in effort

[st****]

Will be a lot to fiqure out didn’t even know there was social etiquette and stuff

[ey****]

6 minutes ago, Marvel409 said:

For example if you match with a person that has next to nothing filled out it vague and obviously sarcastic information, then what is there to break the ice with? There's also the cases when you might not see much that really seems interesting in their profile but you are obviously attracted to them.

I feel in the former; if you've matched with someone and there's nothing to really go off, then sometimes a rethink on if you want to go anywhere yourself also.  By admission. At one point I did message a couple of people who really had very little to go on, and I basically was a bit "I'm also in the area, have you been to any munches/events here?" it prompts with a question. Mind, I already kinda knew they hadn't - but while it wasn't a strategy, it was also a potential for conversation if they asked what a munch was, or that they'd thought about it - what's it like - so on

There was someone on page one who did have a big factor actually - and that's timing - and here's something. I would never ever recommend sending just a "Hi" - but I think if you timed it right then some people would respond to that.  I guess a difference on if they're logging on and there's, I dunno, 20 messages - or if they're online and you just catch them at the right time/mood.

So whenever anyone ancedotal says that's all they send and they get replies, then - they are relying on a little bit of timing and fortune

Mind. There was a lady did a full blown experiment, and she replied to every message she got over an extended period.  I say every, there were certain exceptions - but hi/hey/how are you/etc all got a response

What she found - those whose initial contact was low effort was less likely to ultimately go somewhere than someone who had contacted clearly already interest in her, with good info.   And not going somewhere could be because they simply stopped replying, they turned nasty or overly sexual, or she had to end the conversation because it had descended into small talk hell.

I feel ultimately, women are more likely to not just be interested, but to stay interested, if someone can hold a conversation beyond the icebreaker - and a lot already feel when it's a contact they consider low effort that it is - on experience - less likely to be the case. 

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, stellakitty said:

Will be a lot to fiqure out didn’t even know there was social etiquette and stuff

Social ettiquette is pretty much everywhere and most of us don't notice it unless someone breaches it.   I guess for example if someone stops you in the street and, I dunno, they're collecting for charity or want you to change energy supplier - and so you say no thanks - how difference the experience becomes if they start following you down the street demanding you listen to them.

If you work a bar and a customer is trying to talk to you, when you're busy and have other customers to serve.

As a smile - within minutes of me making the last post I got a message on whatsapp that literally was "Hi, How are you?" - but this wasn't a random person it was a friend I hadn't spoken to in a few weeks - and while she did ultimately have a specific reason for contacting me, she was  also asking how I was as a check in cos we're friends.  If I'd given elongated, "Well.... actually..." then we probably would have talked about it.  But we already have existing rapport. 

[Ma****]

8 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Social ettiquette is pretty much everywhere and most of us don't notice it unless someone breaches it.   I guess for example if someone stops you in the street and, I dunno, they're collecting for charity or want you to change energy supplier - and so you say no thanks - how difference the experience becomes if they start following you down the street demanding you listen to them.

If you work a bar and a customer is trying to talk to you, when you're busy and have other customers to serve.

As a smile - within minutes of me making the last post I got a message on whatsapp that literally was "Hi, How are you?" - but this wasn't a random person it was a friend I hadn't spoken to in a few weeks - and while she did ultimately have a specific reason for contacting me, she was  also asking how I was as a check in cos we're friends.  If I'd given elongated, "Well.... actually..." then we probably would have talked about it.  But we already have existing rapport. 

That's a good point about existing rapport. Another way to look at it is if you were approaching a person working somewhere, how strange would, Hi how you, seem? It has been worked in as a simple ice breaker but contextualy it is a bit weird. I don't think I ask how people are. Usually because I understand no one ever answers that honestly. If a total stranger did, that would be long text and a possible red flag.

[ey****]

10 minutes ago, Marvel409 said:

That's a good point about existing rapport. Another way to look at it is if you were approaching a person working somewhere, how strange would, Hi how you, seem? It has been worked in as a simple ice breaker but contextualy it is a bit weird. I don't think I ask how people are. Usually because I understand no one ever answers that honestly. If a total stranger did, that would be long text and a possible red flag.

This is something to generally think on sometimes - like, walking down the street you see a friend - "Hey, how are you?" is a natural greeting.  If you're in any form of social setting and there's someone you don't know, but want to talk to - for whatever reason (you want to chat them up, you've seen them at a few events and just never spoke, you recognise them from online, etc) the first thing beyond hello will actually rarely be "How are you?" same for any conversations you fall into.  And of course if you are in a bar and someone comes up to you with a "How are you?" and you don't know them, honestly, in a lot of cases your brain will always switch to "so where is this going, what do they want?" sometimes a little on the defensive - and a difference is,  you're in the bar and can't just hit ignore