Question for all the subs/liitles out there!

[Deleted Member]

This thread is a great example of how people have started practicing without having any knowledge of theory behind it. No relationship or play should begin without thorough vetting. A Dominant should lead with their mind, a submissive submits when it is earned and understood. It ends up messy with mistreatment on both sides because people attempt things they have no understanding of. It's downright dangerous.

[Deleted Member]

This post makes so much sense, the question is SOOO valid. From my perspective the subs lead at the beginning is mandatory.

The one giving the control must set the rules as they'll be the receiving end. This practice involves many many things but the one standing at the top for me is enjoyment. Tell me everything so when the lead is in my hands I'm sure you will have a good time under my command.

I believe this information exchange gives the Dom's end a better understanding on how to take good care and satisfy the sub, who's not there explicitly for the Dom's enjoyment. Some are devoted like that, there's nothing wrong w that, but from my experience the majority of us intend to have a good time when engaged in this practices.

Sexual trauma is a bitch to treat after a bad experience. Not expressing your preferences and tastes may lead to terrible consequences. So please, let us know beforehand so everything goes, at the very least, through a path you're comfortable in.

[Deleted Member]

As a Switch, I won’t engage in play until I fully understand my partner’s limits, boundaries, experience, and willingness — no matter which role I’m in. That kind of understanding isn’t built in a single conversation; it takes time, patience, and ongoing communication. Power in a D/s relationship isn’t something taken, it’s something earned through mutual trust.

And trust isn’t simply given — it’s built through credibility and consistent actions. Whether I’m in a D-type role or an S-type role, I wouldn’t want anyone to use me solely for their pleasure without my consent and comfort, so I hold myself to the same standard for others.

This is such an important topic because too many people misunderstand the dynamics of D/s. When those fundamentals are overlooked, people can be hurt emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Often, it’s the invisible scars that last the longest. No matter your role, respect, communication, and mutual care should always be the foundation of the dynamic.

[Do****]

23 hours ago, RabbitHole8 said:

@Dollface_41 you are confused because no one really understands the question, but this topic is good to discuss regardless.

My question was simply in a formal D/s relationship, shouldn't the sub go against their nature and take the lead ?

From what I've seen, it's been nothing but " I'm a Dom/Mistress fall in line!" And the sub getting mistreated because they didn't speak up and the potential of a perfect dynamic is lost.
Instead, I believe the Dom should ask questions, and the sub should tell Dom how they like to be treated.
My experience sub leaning persons never like answering questions. "What movies do you like?"I don't know. Tell me what you like." So sub does whatever it takes to please Dom and ends up doing something they didn't like, and now the Dom is the bad one? Even if it was only once.

Or am I crazy for thinking that will work because someone who doesn't care for their sub will use the instructions of the sub to do those bad words I said before?

A lot of subs are closed off because they were mistreated, and a lot of Doms are set in their ways because they believe a sub is just supposed to obey and mold themselves to them.

I completely think you’re coming from the right place. Any relationship, be it very short term or long term, must be what both people want. So fundamentally the first things to understand are who they are, what they’re like, and what they want. The fit must be right. You cannot develop anything without knowing what the other person wants, needs, yearns for, doesn’t like, hates, hasn’t experienced and is curious about etc. then when you meet you can craft an experience which you and they will enjoy.
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This also changes over time. When you meet you both might know what you’re looking for, but as the dynamic develops you might be curious to try other things. So you continue to discuss what you want to try or experience. It’s a never ending dialogue.
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I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with your approach 😉

[sp****]

You should always Vet everyone. Either way. And never play on the first meeting.

[da****]

As a dom you should always vet them. You have a personal responsibility to yourself first. There's a reason we don't give hand grenades to toddlers.

[Ha****]

You don't. You take a risk. That's what makes it exciting. 🖤

[sp****]

@Hauntingbound I am sorry but I hope you are not serious. That is terrible advice. Your words have power. That’s how woman and yes even some men are ***d and damaged. Because they were taken advantage of. That’s not taking a risk. That’s endangering your life.

[AF****]

Introductions and vetting happen first and foremost, and it goes both ways. With plenty of flirting and teasing.
First in person meetings should always be platonic, public. Sometimes people, specifically men forget to remember safety first, and privacy! Most of us want to go home safe afterwards, not just sore and satisfied.

[ro****]

Well, before anything, you need to have a list that the sub you are vettin will fill out of limits what they are into and what they love as a dominant you need to do the same and give it to the sub this will let the sub know what your likes and things that are hard limits. Discuss them with each other and come to an agreement on them. it is true that the sub has some power as @AFlower36G said, Make sure the first meeting is in a public place, and if things get shady, you have a good exit

[di****]

OP, I think you're onto something great here and you should stick with it! You're talking about the idea of people needing to trust others to be vulner*ble in such an extreme way and balancing that natural inclination with the "roles" we take on. I absolutely take my sexuality and identity within it seriously, but that doesn't negate the fact that we're all playing pretend here. "Dom" and "sub" are objective titles we give ourselves; it makes sense to feel confused about a sandbox style game when so many insist there's actually only one ~true~ way to play. The way we prefer to interact in a sexual or relationship context (eg: D/s) does not mean that this is how we are or should act in every aspect of our lives. These are EXACTLY the right questions you should be asking. Knowing what you want and having opinions aren't inherently "Dominant" traits. The labels are a fun way to navigate a game we've made up, but they aren't the rules. Prioritize safety, consent, and doing right by your partner and yourself without ego and you'll have great luck 💖

[di****]

Just now, distress_addict said:

OP, I think you're onto something great here and you should stick with it! You're talking about the idea of people needing to trust others to be *** in such an extreme way and balancing that natural inclination with the "roles" we take on. I absolutely take my sexuality and identity within it seriously, but that doesn't negate the fact that we're all playing pretend here. "Dom" and "sub" are objective titles we give ourselves; it makes sense to feel confused about a sandbox style game when so many insist there's actually only one ~true~ way to play. The way we prefer to interact in a sexual or relationship context (eg: D/s) does not mean that this is how we are or should act in every aspect of our lives. These are EXACTLY the right questions you should be asking. Knowing what you want and having opinions aren't inherently "Dominant" traits. The labels are a fun way to navigate a game we've made up, but they aren't the rules. Prioritize safety, consent, and doing right by your partner and yourself without ego and you'll have great luck 💖

Weird that I definitely wrote out the word "***" and it was censored.

[fe****]

I shared with my mistress my King center this is sexual desires and feelings and she had her way with me allowing me to enjoy them but also enjoying the control she had over me of performing and doing and being any sexual activity that she enjoyed I would fulfill whether I enjoyed it or not women are superior to them it's not up to me what I do it's up to them I do what they tell me I enjoy being controlled that is my enjoyment and pleasure

[br****]

This is why they ask our limits when we sign up, hopefully if you find someone to play with, they read the profile, but just in case, yes I would tell them up front . I'm usually a Dom, but want someone who can be a Dom for me , yes I want someone that can manhandle me, but if they try it without my consent, I'll likely hurt them, you need to set rules & let them know your limitations, it's fun to let them explore & to learn each other, but setting them up on the right path is always a good idea