Do Doms want dynamics?

[Deleted Member]

I'm growing a little disheartened by wanting to be in a dynamic when it seems like others don't. It feels like some Doms think they want a dynamic but really just want a playmate they get control over?
I'm in my second proper d/s dynamic and it started off well but I've had this problem before where it's like they don't want to form any bond, only showing interest when it's time to play then back to barely interacting with me.
I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me, that people just don't want to get to know me.
I know every dynamic is different just like any other form of partnership but maybe I'm not understanding something? How do dynamics work for some of you?
I just hate this feeling of not being wanted and only used as an occasional piece of entertainment. I'm constantly stuck between "maybe I should try even harder to be a good sub" & "what's the point of trying when I just get ignored".
I can't help but think back to when we first started talking and it was all "I'll never make you feel abandoned, I like caring for my subs" etc but now it just feels like empty words made to get me to agree to being his.
Sorry for the ramble, any advice is appreciated✌🏻🖤

[Deleted Member]

I feel you.
It's a double edged sword that BDSM has entered the mainstream a bit more. That means there are a lot of people who don't take the time to learn deeply about it and only want to take the "good parts" (i.e. what porn taught them) and forget that there's a whole relationship structure to be built to underpin that.
Hold strong to your boundaries and needs and the insurance unsuitables will see themselves out.

[Ju****]

Your “ramble” 100% valid. I myself have never been in a proper d/s partnership, but I have heard multiple stories about exactly what you are describing. I think it’s something you need to speak with to your dom and ensure there is understanding across the board of what is needed, expected, and mutual sharing of desires.

I’m a brat in a wonderful marriage to a tamer, but he doesn’t like being dominant, and so I’m looking for that same d/s balance.

I wish you luck and hope your dom will hear you and listen to your needs as well as you do his. 💜

[ro****]

It's not you there are just a lot of unserious people

[6i****]

ughhhh i feel this HARDCORE. i do think (or at least try to believe) that there’s some good ones that believe in creating a functional dynamic but because of how popular bdsm got i think there’s more men that just want to skip the actual process of getting a sub and only want sexual favors. either from their lack of proper research regarding bdsm or they just simply don’t care and only want to get their rocks off. i just make it VERY clear from the get go my boundaries and if there’s a problem with that? then they can respectfully get cut off

[PJ****]

I'm sorry you feel this way 😔 don't give up! You'll find the perfect Dom soon enough, I know it! Sadly, just like everything in life there is good, and there is bad...once you weed out the bad you'll find the perfect fit... good luck ♥️

[Ch****]

We feel for you. A therapist can help you figure out if you're contributing to the problem via your choices or actions, but it sounds like you're in a classic problem. It likely was "empty words" and it wouldn't be the first time it's happened to someone. Actions speak louder then words. At least bad relationships end...and it hurts...but keep the faith it can get better!

[cum4meSlowly]

I think we all start off trying to make sure the words aren’t empty, what ever the relationship/bond. Sadly life gets in the way and we lose sight of that attraction. It takes work on both sides to keep the spark alive and recognise what needs doing. I hope you can find someway to ignite the relationship beyond play.

[ge****]

The thing is a BDSM dynamic as you suggest can be many things to many people - sounds to me that for you it's more of a relationship than an occasional "play" thing - and that is absolutely fine and people should respect that completely.
.
Thing is though, if you see it that way, you have to look for those that are looking for the same, which in itself is a complete minefield as you'll get Doms saying it's what they want even if it's not - so perhaps take a step back, don't dive into "play" straight away, treat it like you would any other relationship where you get to know people and get a feel for them, and let it develop organically from there.

Wait until you're ready to commit to "more" before doing so, any Dom worthy of your time will understand and respect that, especially if they're as invested in the idea of a dynamic as much as you are.

[Deleted Member]

Greetings my friend.. well from your txt it sounds like a pleasure or bedroom D you have, not a 24/7 lifestyle one.. I think we’ve had a similar conversation before I think but nonetheless it doesn’t mean you can’t have a bond, perhaps he’s just another fraud,?talks the talk but is a shooting star, that is he burns out fast.. from our previous chat I don’t feel it’s you. .. sadly the bdsm life is full of show ponies, but stick strong with your feelings and a true D will arrive...all the best

[InkedWolf]

An FT dynamic needs 100% commitment from both involved, to grow, deepen and strengthen the bond and connection. You need to have shared interests outside the bedroom too as kink can only carry you so far. Being best friends with your partner definitely has its benefits and advantages. I was saddened to read that he’d become distant and you both need to sit down and have a lengthy discussion about what you both need and want from your dynamic and to never forget that you have control as well, as nothing can happen, not even playtimes, unless you give your consent. Also, being a Dom is a full time responsibility and isn’t something you can drop or pick up whenever you feel like it.

[Deleted Member]

23 minutes ago, Princess_Consuela said:

I feel you.
It's a double edged sword that BDSM has entered the mainstream a bit more. That means there are a lot of people who don't take the time to learn deeply about it and only want to take the "good parts" (i.e. what porn taught them) and forget that there's a whole relationship structure to be built to underpin that.
Hold strong to your boundaries and needs and the insurance unsuitables will see themselves out.

Thank you🖤 and yes, I feel like guys in particular get freaked out around that kind of thing. Like I know I'm young but I'm not ignorant, I know a relationship doesn't mean romantic, there's many different types. Even just the word "emotion" has freaked out previous playmates, like I'm not asking you to propose, I just don't want it to feel robotic😅

[Jo****]

True BDSM is about connection, energy exchange, and open communication. If someone only reaches out when they want to get off or are solely interested in your body, that's not genuine Dominance and submission (D/s). Many people also confuse nudism or exhibitionism with BDSM but BDSM is more than just a lifestyle; it’s about emotional depth, trust, and mutual respect.

Beware of those who call themselves Dominants but fail to communicate properly or neglect aftercare. That’s a clear red flag.

If their intention is purely physical pleasure with no emotional or psychological connection, they should be honest about it from the start. That kind of clarity can help you walk away before getting hurt or misled.
Don’t settle for less than the connection you deserve.😇

[In****]

Could it come down to communication styles and not placing all the card on the table and just saying from rhe get go this is what i except and want and this it the line I will go to.

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, Juno_Snowprowl said:

Your “ramble” 100% valid. I myself have never been in a proper d/s partnership, but I have heard multiple stories about exactly what you are describing. I think it’s something you need to speak with to your dom and ensure there is understanding across the board of what is needed, expected, and mutual sharing of desires.

I’m a brat in a wonderful marriage to a tamer, but he doesn’t like being dominant, and so I’m looking for that same d/s balance.

I wish you luck and hope your dom will hear you and listen to your needs as well as you do his. 💜

Thank you🖤

[Deleted Member]

18 minutes ago, rosalicious said:

It's not you there are just a lot of unserious people

Amen, it takes so long to filter them out before actually getting to the dynamic stage then once you do...😅

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, 6ixSense03 said:

ughhhh i feel this HARDCORE. i do think (or at least try to believe) that there’s some good ones that believe in creating a functional dynamic but because of how popular bdsm got i think there’s more men that just want to skip the actual process of getting a sub and only want sexual favors. either from their lack of proper research regarding bdsm or they just simply don’t care and only want to get their rocks off. i just make it VERY clear from the get go my boundaries and if there’s a problem with that? then they can respectfully get cut off

Absolutely, though I find it's even proper Doms. They've been in the community many years, know all the dos & don'ts, know the research but still many of them freak out over the concept of building a connection & showing emotion😅

[6i****]

4 minutes ago, Lucien985 said:

Absolutely, though I find it's even proper Doms. They've been in the community many years, know all the dos & don'ts, know the research but still many of them freak out over the concept of building a connection & showing emotion😅

that definitely sounds like doms that aren’t interested in developing emotional connections and prefer to keep things at a play level and if that’s their thing? cool! every dom is different but at the end of the day if you know what you’re looking for and it doesn’t immediately align or the situation just no longer serves you, then please don’t hesitate to break away from that and focus more energy on making em wait, really vet them out first if you’re not really sure! we’ll get through this together 🙌🏽

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, ChromeStarz said:

We feel for you. A therapist can help you figure out if you're contributing to the problem via your choices or actions, but it sounds like you're in a classic problem. It likely was "empty words" and it wouldn't be the first time it's happened to someone. Actions speak louder then words. At least bad relationships end...and it hurts...but keep the faith it can get better!

Thank you!🖤 I've actually been in & out of therapy since a ***, I know my "faults" and I'm very open. Personally it's something I'm very proud of as I used to be a terrible communicator & hardcore people pleaser, in recent years I've gotten much better with this😁 I appreciate your kind words, more people should definitely go to therapy though haha🖤

[On****]

Before any dynamic communication and vetting potential new partners is critical to finding out if their interest is in your well being or theirs. Paying attention to red flags in conversation that lead you to question their intentions if not aligned with yours. Know some people will not always be truthful so dig deeper into those conversations. Also recognize that once in a dynamic it is possible to find we are not compatible with some partners, once in a dynamic is this partner willing to work through differences with you? If not it may be time to walk away.

[Alistair1974]

Vast swathes are here to simply administer *** / have it administered to them. It's a psychological thing where it's reenforcing either the want to be violent, or have *** inflicted in order to harm oneself or cause it.
It has... absolutely nothing to do with the "partner" as they're essentially just a tool, a peripheral, an implement.. there's no humanity wanted or needed to fulfil what they're seeking... and thus a dynamic is completely irrelevant to most parties.
Which is of course, absolutely nothing like what anyone who understands dynamics, is looking for.

[Ch****]

7 minutes ago, Lucien985 said:

Thank you!🖤 I've actually been in & out of therapy since a ***, I know my "faults" and I'm very open. Personally it's something I'm very proud of as I used to be a terrible communicator & hardcore people pleaser, in recent years I've gotten much better with this😁 I appreciate your kind words, more people should definitely go to therapy though haha🖤

Funny how people pleasing can sometimes be not so good, and how some prey on the people pleasers. Here's hoping you find your good match, and you both move on to more adaptive activities like putting up kinky pics together on the internet. Wait, no...that's a bad idea.  😆 

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, ChromeStarz said:

Funny how people pleasing can sometimes be not so good, and how some prey on the people pleasers. Here's hoping you find your good match, and you both move on to more adaptive activities like putting up kinky pics together on the internet. Wait, no...that's a bad idea.  😆 

Haha now that's my kinda "healing"😂✌🏻🖤

[MrHulkS]

Never be sorry for ramble you are saying what's on your mind and if anyone thinks different then that's there problem

I am wanting and looking for a serious D/s Dynamic and it's hard as well cause some submissive say
They want a D/s Dynamic but worry

The thing is words can hurt and when not stuck with then it hurts

[Hu****]

Here is what I will say about this topic….as a Alpha Dom for over 30 years it is absolutely essential that before any physical interaction and or sessions that Dom and Sub have had lengthy discussions about what the expectations are and whether or not this is a full time dynamic (which it sounds as if you want) or an in session only dynamic. Many newer Doms mistakenly take power/control dynamic to be just during session and never really talk about what is needed and why it’s needed for submissive and whether or not it fits within the framework that Dom is needing and wanting. Additionally, I will also say that many newer subs and Doms often think that being Dom/sub couple is also a master/slave dynamic and usually in this instance the Dom is pushing a narrative more of Master than Dom and sub is not wanting slave dynamic which is a completely different dynamic than that of sub.

Again make sure to have very detailed discussions and more than just one or two before moving to the physical aspect of the relationship.