How far is 'far' and how close is 'close'.

[sardonicus87]

I dunno, but whatever my distance is, women at the max end of it, I am too far for them, not that it matters much because the closest anyone has ever been has been literally in a different country over 1,000 miles away. The next closest was over 2,000 miles away. That's never going to be something I can swing.
.
Another problem is, I am willing to host, but apparently NOBODY else can host ever, and understandably they don't want to go to a strangers house, but I absolutely won't do hotels if we're doing my kind of play, I am not risking the cops being called. Well, I can't travel 2 days for a vanilla meet up multiple times to build trust for that. Even then, if they do trust, they still can't host regardless, which means them coming to me, and they're not willing to travel that distance, especially not for just being play partners.
.
Not that it matters, I am in an open marriage, and every woman within 100 miles doesn't want anything to do with a man who isn't single even when they themselves are ENM and attached to a "primary" unless they're looking to be a unicorn (and we don't date as a couple or date couples).
.
An hour to 1.5 hours one-way is all I practically have time for, being an adult with responsibilities, but again, doesn't matter, even if I were single, nobody is into any of my kink even within almost unpractical distances.

[sardonicus87]

And moving is not an option and even if it were, I'd have to be moving FOR someone, there's no guarantee me moving even to a major metro area that I will find anything remotely close to my kinks.
.
That and I am disabled to the point I can't work, which apparently as a man without a job, literally nobody wants to even be your friend or give you a chance at all, let alone date. I'd be in complete social isolation/alienation if I left my wife. Everyone always assumes you're a bum or worthless.
.
Well, honestly after 20 years of looking (and living in several places), I don't know why I keep trying just to feel even more alone and more rejected. It's so much work to not even be seen, let alone get anything other than sh*t on and harassed for no reason. "Of course nobody wants that, maybe you're too picky, maybe you you you, what do you bring to the table" as if everything is my fault, like I can help what I am into or not into, even though my standards are like the least picky of all. "Well if you haven't by now, it must be you".
.
Well, sorry for being disabled and less than perfect I guess?
.
Why do I even bother?

[Li****]

I think practicality is usually the deciding factor. Especially if public transport is required as there’s an expense and effort there which can be a big mental barrier to a lot of people as well.

[Fo****]

The nearest decent sized town to me is a good hour long drive. And even that isn't exactly a large diverse place. So I'm resigned to the fact I will have to look for someone that could require a day of travel to see. I try to keep my search to a 500 mile radius, but then if you're going to go that far is 700 miles really that big of a difference? Depends on my mood in the moment on how far past 500 miles I'd look.

[Deleted Member]

I'm in BC (Canada) so we travel by time, not necessarily distance. I'm willing to drive 2 hours one way to see someone if we already have a connection, but not for a coffee date.

[Creativlydamned]

7 hours ago, jaxboro58399 said:

Well as with most things when it comes to the dating World women have way too many options to put themselves in an inconvenience.

I can’t change the fact that we have “too many options.” That’s just the world we live in. But for me it has nothing to do with inconvenience. I gave legitimate reasons for my requirements. I can’t change the capacity that I have. Many options or not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[BruiseWayne]

13 hours ago, Submissive_summer said:

For me it's more about frequency of engagement than distance... I'm sure if 2 people apply effort to meet amd engage it will happen even if they aren't local to each other...

Yes. See this is what I keep coming back to. The right person for you might not even live anywhere near you, and for that person you'll usually move heaven n Earth to be with them even if it isn't particularly convenient. 

 

It always struck me as odd that people think they just happened to find the perfect person for them/soulmate within a reasonable amount of driving distance from them too, ya know? lol.

 

In a way, to me, it seems like that's a form of 'settling' for lack of a better word. 

 

But then again, another thing I keep coming back to, is the fact that some of us feel like the right kind of person for us really are a rare breed and we're not likely to find them somewhere close and convenient to begin with. 

 

Believe me I would love to, but that's just not the way it's ever worked out for me.

 

Even in my last dynamic we started out half a country away from one another ( Missouri & Philly ) until we moved in together a year later. 

Edited October 9, 2025 by BruiseWayne
spelling etc

[BruiseWayne]

13 hours ago, Nearlyburly said:

90 minutes to 3 hours, you plan weekends. Take Monday off as well. Have an amazing weekend then go home. No expectations to come by after work, or do something spontaneous because it's to far. But when you do see each other it's worth the drive.

Yeah see maybe it's just my own personal preference but I love planning those weekend adventures with whoever I happen to be involved with and really I don't mind not being able to just pop over during the week or things like that because the other way it gives me something to look forward to, and makes getting together more of a big deal/event kinda thing. IDK to me it just seems a bit more special. I can tolerate sacrificing smaller little get togethers and affairs if we're able to see eachother every couple months or less too. 

[Sc****]

Same town is great if you want IRL which i do 60-90miles max but if its just gonna be online only then distance doesnt matter but living in the same or close time zone is ideal 

[Deleted Member]

The issue that I have is when you meet someone who isn't local, 99% of the time you either can't meet up because of finances or life circumstances. So why put yourself through the heartache?

[BruiseWayne]

7 hours ago, Creativlydamned said:

I can’t change the fact that we have “too many options.” That’s just the world we live in. But for me it has nothing to do with inconvenience. I gave legitimate reasons for my requirements. I can’t change the capacity that I have. Many options or not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly I don't even think it's about that. It's more about how rare of a person you feel your ideal match is and how willing you are to not settle for anything less. Even if that means that person doesn't live anywhere near you at first. Most people tend not to need or want something so singular and specific though. Or their needs and desires aren't hard to be met by a wider range of people. So just finding someone close is standard and simple for them. For others it's not.

[BruiseWayne]

8 minutes ago, CreativeTangles said:

The issue that I have is when you meet someone who isn't local, 99% of the time you either can't meet up because of finances or life circumstances. So why put yourself through the heartache?

Not everyone has those restrictions and limitations though ya know? 

 

I'm an artist and I work for myself, so if I want to just fuck off for a couple days to go and visit someone special I have the ability to do that. I understand most people aren't that fortunate though and they're tied to jobs n such that don't offer them the kind of flexibility mine does. 

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, BruiseWayne said:

Not everyone has those restrictions and limitations though ya know? 

 

I'm an artist and I work for myself, so if I want to just fuck off for a couple days to go and visit someone special I have the ability to do that. I understand most people aren't that fortunate though and they're tied to jobs n such that don't offer them the kind of flexibility mine does. 

Yeah, so it's not that people don't want to. It's that they can't. You're looking at it from privilege

[BruiseWayne]

1 hour ago, CreativeTangles said:

Yeah, so it's not that people don't want to. It's that they can't. You're looking at it from privilege

Oh I know, I'm fully aware of that. I think for a lot of people it is just a don't want to situation though. And the fact it's just not easy for them to do probably plays a part in it. Others may be open to as well but just can't for similar reasons.

 

 

Edited October 9, 2025 by BruiseWayne
spelling etc

[BruiseWayne]

17 hours ago, jaxboro58399 said:

Well as with most things when it comes to the dating World women have way too many options to put themselves in an inconvenience.

It has nothing to do with her options. She already said it would wear thin on her after a while not that she necessarily would be against connecting with someone further away.

 

Which I think is the case for most people/women really.

 

Plenty of others who don't mint the distance though. 

[Co****]

I would ‘consider’ any distance. However, as distance increases, there needs to be a much stronger draw, more compatibility right off the bat to make exploring a relationship make sense. In practice, I have had relationships with women who lived 60-70 miles away on a number of occasions. I have rarely had anything significant develop with someone further away than that.

[ey****]

On 10/8/2025 at 2:14 PM, jaxboro58399 said:

Well as with most things when it comes to the dating World women have way too many options to put themselves in an inconvenience.

By argument.  So do men.  Like.  Sometimes I think men match too far cos it's "what's available" rather than looking at other options in the locality (only a small percentage of kinky people in my town are on here) and it's ok to look far but yeah, you got to look a little - ok, if they were interested in me, how often could I realistically see them? 

And if someone is going to want weekly, or monthly, or six weeks - then this is a lot easier the closer they are.   And like if you see travelling for someone as an "inconvenience" rather than something you look forward to, then you don't need to reach out in the first place

[BruiseWayne]

On 10/8/2025 at 2:18 PM, LiamBas said:

I think practicality is usually the deciding factor. Especially if public transport is required as there’s an expense and effort there which can be a big mental barrier to a lot of people as well.

 Mhm. Though any public transportation I would use to get to somewhere like NY ( 100 miles away ) only costs me about 30 round trip. So that's NBD even really. 

[am****]

Lucky you, I’ve messaged people in my area, a couple times then they just stop answering. I’d meet someone 50 away. I’m used to driving lengths but nobody on here really wants to meet up. The last 3 I messaged with ended up being removed for being fake accounts. Tired of all the bs. Giving up on here.

[De****]

For my wife and I in northern Montana it is difficult due to our rural setting and proximity to Canada. We continue to get matches over the border and that makes it difficult for meet ups. And most of the rest are over 75 miles away. Doable but have to put in effort. The local people seem to already have there clicks that they stick to and don’t stray from.

[JackJonesHull]

The answer is entirely, okay predominantly, dependent on the country in which the respondent resides. It's what you have become used to from life in general.

I see those from the big countries with their big numbers. From places where to go to the supermarket requires up to, or over, an hour round trip travel. There an hour, or more, each way is perfectly acceptable.

But the denizens of old country cities will balk at over 30 minutes total journeying as just not worth it.

Inconvenience is measured in experience and societal norms.

For me I would talk with anyone, from anywhere. But the expectation of meeting up, regularly at least, stops at maybe 70 or so miles. I'm at least aware that proximity is preferable.

[Deleted Member]

I think it all comes down to what you’re here for. Some people just want a roll in the hay and we’ll go anywhere to get it. For them, distance doesn’t really matter. For me, I want connection. I want to get to know somebody for real. Not an online version of what they want to show me, or what I want to show them. I’m not here for a roll in the hay, which means I’m also not willing to expand my search beyond a few miles. By doing this, am I missing out on some potential strong friend relationships? Yeah, probably so. But that’s a chance I’m willing to take.