From Eye-Rolls to Hard No’s: BDSM Pet ***ves

[Ky****]

1 hour ago, moonpet said:

Coming back to this, it goes along with the "always right" doms. The ones who strike out when questioned (even by their sub) and don't see any issue with punishing their sub for requesting more information. Like, they cant get out of their feelings enough to rationalize or be in control of themselves/their reactions. They're the kind of people that can end up seriously injuring a sub because they dont know how to hold back/not punish while angry.

On the sub side: when a sub doesn't know /acts like they don't know how to function and operate like an adult member of society. As if they need someone to tell them what to do/think at all times and what's good/bad in all things. Like they're incapable of deciding for themselves if they like/dislike something or if someone that's approached them is super toxic or not.

These are notoriously dangerous people to interact with as a counterpart to them. A dom with a "limitless sub" can end up incredibly misled and burnt out, as well as experience a lot of dom guilt because their sub didn't know how to express/have their own boundaries and limits so all the work to uphold the health of the dynamic landed on the doms shoulder.
A sub with an emotionally immature/undisciplined dom can end up extremely traumatized or worse, also hospitalized. It can scar their relationship with the world and bdsm itself because they put all their stock/eggs into one basket and didn't know they had a say in what happened to them/didn't know they were allowed to say no&have limits&boundaries.
Seeing this kind of thing bothers me a lot. Especially when its romanticized to draw in more victims who a deceived into thinking/gullible enough to think they DONT have to think because someone claiming to be a "world class dom" is there to "save" them.

BDSM or not, relying 100% on another person is a fast track to hurtsville. Same with not being able to look in the mirror and admit that you CAN and HAVE done wrong, dom or not.

Id rather stay out of it and research to discover my own boundaries and limits first before getting into this kind of thing with anyone else. It just seems safer that way.

I really appreciate how you articulated this, because it hits on the practical danger side of what people often dismiss as “just personality conflicts.”
The always-right Dom who reacts emotionally to being questioned is exactly the kind of person I was thinking of in my original comment. If someone can’t regulate themselves, accept scrutiny, or slow down when challenged, they have no business holding power over another person — especially in a context where physical and psychological harm are real possibilities. Punishing while angry isn’t dominance; it’s loss of control, and that’s when people get seriously hurt.
Your point about subs who abdicate all agency is just as important and often overlooked. Submission doesn’t mean surrendering adulthood, critical thinking, or personal responsibility. A sub who doesn’t know their own boundaries or feels incapable of saying no puts everyone in a bad position. Like you said, it can mislead and burn out a Dom, and it can leave the sub *** to trauma because all the safeguards collapse.
I also agree that the romanticization of this dynamic is especially troubling — the “you don’t have to think, I’ll take care of everything” narrative is incredibly seductive, but it’s also how people get trapped in unsafe situations. A healthy dynamic still requires two self-aware adults, not a savior and someone being saved.
The takeaway you landed on resonates with me a lot: BDSM doesn’t override personal accountability. Whether Dom or sub, the inability to self-reflect, regulate emotions, or acknowledge wrongdoing is a massive red flag. Power exchange only works when both people are capable of standing on their own feet outside of it.
Choosing to step back, research, and understand your own limits before involving someone else isn’t avoidance — it’s risk-aware and responsible. Honestly, it’s one of the clearest signs of maturity I see in kink spaces.

[mo****]

49 minutes ago, Kyriarcho said:

I really appreciate how you articulated this, because it hits on the practical danger side of what people often dismiss as “just personality conflicts.”
The always-right Dom who reacts emotionally to being questioned is exactly the kind of person I was thinking of in my original comment. If someone can’t regulate themselves, accept scrutiny, or slow down when challenged, they have no business holding power over another person — especially in a context where physical and psychological harm are real possibilities. Punishing while angry isn’t dominance; it’s loss of control, and that’s when people get seriously hurt.
Your point about subs who abdicate all agency is just as important and often overlooked. Submission doesn’t mean surrendering adulthood, critical thinking, or personal responsibility. A sub who doesn’t know their own boundaries or feels incapable of saying no puts everyone in a bad position. Like you said, it can mislead and burn out a Dom, and it can leave the sub *** to trauma because all the safeguards collapse.
I also agree that the romanticization of this dynamic is especially troubling — the “you don’t have to think, I’ll take care of everything” narrative is incredibly seductive, but it’s also how people get trapped in unsafe situations. A healthy dynamic still requires two self-aware adults, not a savior and someone being saved.
The takeaway you landed on resonates with me a lot: BDSM doesn’t override personal accountability. Whether Dom or sub, the inability to self-reflect, regulate emotions, or acknowledge wrongdoing is a massive red flag. Power exchange only works when both people are capable of standing on their own feet outside of it.
Choosing to step back, research, and understand your own limits before involving someone else isn’t avoidance — it’s risk-aware and responsible. Honestly, it’s one of the clearest signs of maturity I see in kink spaces.

Couldn't agree more and its a perfect time to add that both parties in a d/s exchange should be stating their own boundaries/limits, expecting the other party to share theirs, and being aware if a dom/sub does not share their boundaries & limits, especially when prompted. That can help a lot with navigating through these kinds of situations and exchanges in a more safe and rational way. Especially for newer individuals.

[ey****]

oh gosh, where to start without sounding like a bigger grump than I actually am...

One-Twue-Wayism.  In pretty much all of it's shade, i.e. this/my way is the right way and is the only right way, and anyone else is doing kink wrong

Using throw-away phrases without understanding what they mean.  common ones being "the sub is actually the one in control" (which they're not, it over romanticises the situation and is often used by folk who *** or push boundaries "they could have stopped me at any time"), "communication is key" (yes, it is - but if someone is asking for advice just stating this without actually kinda elaborating on how to communicate is just posting for the sake of it, and by irony is example of poor communication) and "submission is a gift" 

a lot around entitlement - a lot here is "I sent you a message so you must reply", on other sites there's demands about making it more dating focuses or insisting on purging accounts.  for double points, anything where it's wrapped in dishonesty - or - attempted to frame ("you should reply cos it's good manners") which is actually a sign of ***r, believe it or not - not that I'm saying these guys are, but it's the same coded DARVO language.

that'll probably do it for now

[Qu****]

Taking the talk then acting like a pillow princess.
Dominate men automatically expecting to be called Sir or Daddy.
The “no limits” people. Clearly inexperienced. And dangerous in my opinion.
I could tell you stories…. 🙄