Femdom Boundaries and Screening Submissives

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For safety and consent reasons Dommes and dominants might benefit 100% to express boundaries and explore what happens before play too. We talk alot about sub boundaries and a few things here from my travels in kink and bdsm that might be useful for pleasure and safety:

1. Subs that state No Limits
If a potential play partner says 'I have no limits', 'if you love me then its fine for me to have almost no limits' what's happening here is likely they are pushing risk onto the Domme to manage. This is self abandonment of responsibility for safety. This means a Domme eventually gets blamed for boundary *** because of evading clarity. This is when the 'bottom' is dangerous. Ask for limits in detail. Including health factors; physical and mental issues that affect play or sexual expression.

2. Collaboration
D/s is a relationship. If power exchange is what's being negotiated and not only pleasure or sensation bottoming, (where they are asking for a menu of physical done to them), before play happens see if there are skills for collaboration and repair using emotional maturity that respects your needs also. The agreed power dynamic is co-created between two people and requires openness and a shared reality for what will happen to keep you both safe.

3. Boundaries
How does a would-be sub accept your boundaries as a woman? What happens when YOU say no to something or ask for clarity? If you already say 'no knifeplay' and they keep talking about how an ex girlfriend cut them with a razor when they didn't really want it, but it was fine because he felt 'love', what does this say about his attitude to your values? Does he expect you to shift ambiguously? Does your consent come into it or does this center his experience entirely? Is your energy reciprocated in an agreed way? Can you take time out for domme drop or is it extractive?

[Mo****]

When I started exploring a Mommy Dom dynamic, most of the subs I met pushed their fantasies and desires on me.

Since I had no real experience in the area, I felt obligated to open my mind to their desires and led request. There were certain things that gave me the ick that I discussed with friends. It was the first session I had, even though we had discussed thoughts and feelings. I let the choose 5 toys from a set I bought. It was a value set that included some things I didn't plan to use. Although we had discussed my disdain for it prior, they still selected those items.

I was worried that I needed to get comfortable with it in order to be a good M/D. I didn't hate it, but it made me uncomfortable.

However, with the 2nd sub, the same activity felt different. I felt different about him, and it made a huge difference.

I think if someone continues to speak about what they don't want to try, they probably do.

If they don't hear your boundaries, they are using you as a tool only, and that's no fun.

I often run into these so-called subs with control issues. They seem more like soft tops than subs.

The idea I like about subs is that they're obedient in theory. Even the bratty ones can be tamed.

Sorry this is so long.
Not every D/S will match. Sometimes, a sub may need something or require a specific treatment that only certain Doms can treat. Psychological matching, in other words, just my opinion.

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6 minutes ago, MonaR said:

When I started exploring a Mommy Dom dynamic, most of the subs I met pushed their fantasies and desires on me.

Since I had no real experience in the area, I felt obligated to open my mind to their desires and led request. There were certain things that gave me the ick that I discussed with friends. It was the first session I had, even though we had discussed thoughts and feelings. I let the choose 5 toys from a set I bought. It was a value set that included some things I didn't plan to use. Although we had discussed my disdain for it prior, they still selected those items.

I was worried that I needed to get comfortable with it in order to be a good M/D. I didn't hate it, but it made me uncomfortable.

However, with the 2nd sub, the same activity felt different. I felt different about him, and it made a huge difference.

I think if someone continues to speak about what they don't want to try, they probably do.

If they don't hear your boundaries, they are using you as a tool only, and that's no fun.

I often run into these so-called subs with control issues. They seem more like soft tops than subs.

The idea I like about subs is that they're obedient in theory. Even the bratty ones can be tamed.

Sorry this is so long.
Not every D/S will match. Sometimes, a sub may need something or require a specific treatment that only certain Doms can treat. Psychological matching, in other words, just my opinion.

Yes. Psychological matching is key, because its about power bring transferred between two people. If its just about asking for physical stuff to be applied by a woman, power hasn't been given because it doesn't center your leadership and your decision making with their consent.

Dominants have needs as much as subs do, however dommes hold risk management and also legal responsibility when things go wrong.
This post was inspired by a number of situations where the sub refused to provide a list of Limits, sometimes it was about using a Domme to self harm.

[Mo****]

3 minutes ago, clear_spring said:

Yes. Psychological matching is key, because its about power bring transferred between two people. If its just about asking for physical stuff to be applied by a woman, power hasn't been given because it doesn't center your leadership and your decision making with their consent.

Dominants have needs as much as subs do, however dommes hold risk management and also legal responsibility when things go wrong.
This post was inspired by a number of situations where the sub refused to provide a list of Limits, sometimes it was about using a Domme to self harm.

Oh my, I see. My apologies for missing the mark.

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6 minutes ago, clear_spring said:

Yes. Psychological matching is key, because its about power bring transferred between two people. If its just about asking for physical stuff to be applied by a woman, power hasn't been given because it doesn't center your leadership and your decision making with their consent.

Dominants have needs as much as subs do, however dommes hold risk management and also legal responsibility when things go wrong.
This post was inspired by a number of situations where the sub refused to provide a list of Limits, sometimes it was about using a Domme to self harm.

P.s. also to say these situations were stopped before any real -life meeting took place precisely because of failure to provide limits when asked. Screening is very important.

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3 minutes ago, MonaR said:

Oh my, I see. My apologies for missing the mark.

No no I'm agreeing with you :)

[Mo****]

I hadn't been in a situation that posed this kind of danger, so I couldn't imagine. I didn't want to downplay your point.

This is so new to me that I go above and beyond to attempt to establish a safe space and trust even when punishing. Lol

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6 minutes ago, MonaR said:

I hadn't been in a situation that posed this kind of danger, so I couldn't imagine. I didn't want to downplay your point.

This is so new to me that I go above and beyond to attempt to establish a safe space and trust even when punishing. Lol

All good. IMHO there is psychological safety and physical safety. Both sides of the slash ideally pro-actively create it by sharing information and/or defining roles in the talking stage. What does trust look like? Is there any situation where rules would change during play? What are the dommes safe words to stop action etc

[Mo****]

Hmmm, interesting, I never considered that doms require safe words too.🤯

[Ja****]

If you get the First one wrong, and Thing about that so Bad..
Just use it, say i need to know If ... Help me Control my Sad Site...say RED If i get my evil SMile...
And i never meet one Person without Limits, guess what can this say about that.
.
If im Bottom/Sub/Slave i need my Top/Dom/Daddy/Master to have a Set of Saveword's and triggers...
Examble:
Top:" Yellow, dont do this...."
So i know WE are Not longer in the funny Side for the Top...
And If i "say" i have No Limits, you have to Go slow an read me, to find them... because they are there...ready to explore.
.
Dont let, the few...that *** this "No Limits" to get Sex fast... destroy that Kind of Play.
.
Greatings from Germany

[Fl****]

This is a brilliant and insightful bundle of statements. I lack the perspective both in experience and in standing (as a submissive in the scene) so educating myself by putting me in the shoes of a domme is always a pleasure. I feel like most subs could ease a lot of the pressure of a dom by noting these questions just to ensure a stable and healthy relationship

All that is to say, I plan on copying and pasting these words into the notes app. Thank you ^v^

[sa****]

Love this!!!!

[Fl****]

4 hours ago, clear_spring said:

Yes. Psychological matching is key, because its about power bring transferred between two people. If its just about asking for physical stuff to be applied by a woman, power hasn't been given because it doesn't center your leadership and your decision making with their consent.

Dominants have needs as much as subs do, however dommes hold risk management and also legal responsibility when things go wrong.
This post was inspired by a number of situations where the sub refused to provide a list of Limits, sometimes it was about using a Domme to self harm.

I try to be as un-biased as I can manage, but a common thread im seeing with the Dominant's perspective on the submissive half is a lack of accountability and a dramatic interpretation of their Domme. I hope that as we continue to share ideas and stories the scene will improve. At the end of the day we are all human. Empathy and accountability go a long way in making the world in general a better place.

But at the very least, I can head these aa warnings and take it as ways to improve myself. Cheers friends,

(P.s. I do apologize for yall's previous experiences, that level of discomfort in a community as nuanced as this one throws me for a loop.)

[Fl****]

4 hours ago, MonaR said:

Hmmm, interesting, I never considered that doms require safe words too.🤯

That is absolutely tragic, absolutely! You're comfort zone and bounderies matter just as much as anyone else's. If a submissive discredits you for using it they were never worth playing with.

[Fl****]

4 hours ago, MonaR said:

I hadn't been in a situation that posed this kind of danger, so I couldn't imagine. I didn't want to downplay your point.

This is so new to me that I go above and beyond to attempt to establish a safe space and trust even when punishing. Lol

Hahah, it seems we're on 2 sides of the same coin. I do hope your journey is a fruitful and fun one!

[Ve****]

Condensing Filters down to those 3 key gates speaks of experience and i‘m asking for permission to use them as well as a submissive – they work both ways.
And this might sound repetitive but this is really well done!

[Me****]

I actually teach classes on this along with Boundries and negotiations as the director of education for my local dungeon. One thing that I will say is, I have a harsh vetting process because I’m good at what I do and I don’t like wasting my time because time is an investment that you can never get back. The thing that I will say is whenever you Decide to negotiate be short-term long-term, whatever you may choose make sure that you are extremely blunt to begin with. Make sure you’re nonnegotiable are on the table because those are your moral boundaries. One of mine is that I talk about both my partners and if somebody has an issue with that they can fuck right off. Another that I say is the fact that I’m demisexual I don’t have sex right off the bat. I have to make an emotional connection and if there is no emotional investment or the ability to be ***, then that’s not worth my time if that’s where the person wants to go And I’m willing to go there, but they also have to know that that attraction may not happen and they have to respect that. That one that demisexuality one that trips up a lot of guys. I’ve had a few guys try to push my boundaries, try to break me up from my partners, and try to sow chaos because of their inability to listen, reflect and understand. One thing that I also do is, I will ask them to repeat something that I have stated to make sure that they’re paying attention and then give me an explanation of what that means. And if they come back with well, it’s pretty straightforward. Then that’s whenever. I will say OK if it’s pretty straightforward, then break it down for me. Because sometimes a submissive is stuck in their own head about the fantasies of what they are anticipating with play that they’re not paying attention to vital important information and providing me with the upmost respect that I deserve. Stick to your boundaries hold them close. Don’t let them waive her and you got this if you need additional help I am more than happy to assist. Cheers.

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15 minutes ago, VeeTee said:

Condensing Filters down to those 3 key gates speaks of experience and i‘m asking for permission to use them as well as a submissive – they work both ways.
And this might sound repetitive but this is really well done!

Thanks. Yes 100% you can use them. For D/s it's also useful to find out..what kind of relationship do we want? What is your relationship to your dominance? And submission? How will we both know we are successful? How do we each express 'ok I've had enough for now'?

[Ve****]

1 hour ago, clear_spring said:

Thanks. Yes 100% you can use them. For D/s it's also useful to find out..what kind of relationship do we want? What is your relationship to your dominance? And submission? How will we both know we are successful? How do we each express 'ok I've had enough for now'?

Thank You! That's very kind ☺️.
And if a sub has asked himself those questions i would assume he would be self-reflected and be more aware of what he really wants. As a sub i think it's more attractive to be able to express what i want and communicate this with grace.
Questions like that are core to beeing successful on both sides. 

i am totally ecouraging You to share more – what is more beautiful than successful relationships, be they D/s or soemthing else… 

[li****]

No limits sub should be an instant block.