Mi**** Posted Sunday at 10:19 PM I’ve always had a strong libido and been a very sexual person, but it’s been a big source of depression in my life. Why? Of course I’m not positive, but the fact dating apps are about looks and I almost never get likes or anything on them makes it obvious that looks are a big reason why. Probably the biggest reason, I think. It sucks, but I am grateful for the apps making me fully aware of this. But anyway, I’m big on accountability and self-improvement, so I’m desperately wanting to know what, if anything, I might be able to do to be attractive and sexy to women. I’m hoping there might some things I can do that will lead to having a sex life like I desire and not just have fantasy. TIA!
th**** Posted Monday at 01:28 AM For me the biggest turn on is when a guy talks to me like I’m a human being with feelings and interests and isn’t just coming at me in my pms just wanting to immediately have sex with me. It’s a huge turn off when all a guy wants to do is talking about sex as if all I am is a means for him to get off. And acting like that’s all they want to meet up I’d to immediately have sex when I don know them or feel comfortable yet. I need to get to know someone and know that they want me for more than sex or kink. Maybe others will disagree but it’s a huge turn off for me when guys are just sex mad
th**** Posted Monday at 01:30 AM Ps I like to be able to talk to a guy about anything and everything and know they view me as a person wnd want to get to know me. Talk about my interests hobbies and life and theirs too. and I love the build up to sexual chemistry
pr**** Posted Monday at 01:34 AM I think you’re sexy as you are. Tbh I don’t know what advice to give you because I would fuck you only thing I can think of is I prefer all full grown out facial hair and long hair on guys personal preference tho
Si**** Posted Monday at 01:37 AM The problem I see with theegyptianking’s take is that you need to get attention first, in order for people to talk to you, which seems to have to happen by being attractive and sexy, whatever that may mean. And then after that you need to show your personality. So, while I like the notion there, it feels like you still have to look sexy to get things started.
ca**** Posted Monday at 01:38 AM I too seem to suffer from the same problem. I'm going to keep an eye on this thread for tips myself. Thank you for posing the question I was afraid to ask.
LadyV Posted Monday at 01:40 AM The problem seems to be that men fundamentally misunderstand how attraction works for women. Yes, physical is part of it but that's just it...it's *part* of it. I almost never see a man I find physically attractive. 80-90% of the men in my inbox are all physically unattractive to me. I ran a poll about this one time and compared the poll results to existing research and it's pretty consistent: most women find most men physically unattractive. That said, women don't rank physical attraction at the top of their priority lists in dating. Men constantly insist that's a lie (despite so much goddamn research consistently showing that nope, women really don't rank physical attraction as important as men do). I'm bisexual and I've been in long term romantic/sexual relationships with 6 men. Only one of them I was actually physically attracted to right at the start. For the rest, my attraction grew and developed through familiarity and social chemistry. A thing that only occurs over time and with consistent positive interaction, shared values, and a mutual desire for a relationship to exist. Most women aren't attracted to most men at the start. To be fair, it's not like we've been socialized to view men in the objectifying terms of physical beauty or that men have been socialized to actually put effort into their beauty, grooming, wardrobe, or even personal hygiene. And that's before we even get into, "so has he done the internal work to address his internalized misogyny or is he going to feel entitled to on-demand sex and 24/7 free maid services because he has a dick and she doesn't?" Cause most men sure as fuck haven't examined that repulsive part of themselves. They haven't even reached consistent dental cleanings.
Go**** Posted Monday at 01:42 AM Sexy is a lot about personality and confidence. I've matched with a few people that I wasn't 100% attracted to on a physical only basis, but after talking a while with them became very hot and bothered for them just based on how much they cared about my pleasure, how confident they were, and how sexually compatible we were. Focus less on "how can I be attractive to women" and more on "how can I be the best version of myself so I attract people that I'm compatible with"
ChubbyBi Posted Monday at 01:45 AM Ok so assuming your photos are of you, it isn’t your looks. You’re objectively handsome, and better looking than me. The difference could be your outlook, how you come across, attitude etc. Women aren’t as focused on looks as men are. Women grow to find men attractive the more they know them. So work on how you come over. Are you being overtly sexual straight away? Are you giving off desperate or insecure vibes? Be yourself, be honest, and don’t see sex as a prize.
kr**** Posted Monday at 01:46 AM Just so you know, even attractive people have the same experience as you as a male. Unless you're in the top % of good looking dudes you won't get likes. I've easily gone weeks without any sort of like or interaction on apps. That's just the way it is. Please don't let their bullshit make you feel that way about yourself. You're not even close to unattractive.
Go**** Posted Monday at 01:50 AM 10 minutes ago, LadyV said: The problem seems to be that men fundamentally misunderstand how attraction works for women. Yes, physical is part of it but that's just it...it's *part* of it. I almost never see a man I find physically attractive. 80-90% of the men in my inbox are all physically unattractive to me. I ran a poll about this one time and compared the poll results to existing research and it's pretty consistent: most women find most men physically unattractive. That said, women don't rank physical attraction at the top of their priority lists in dating. Men constantly insist that's a lie (despite so much goddamn research consistently showing that nope, women really don't rank physical attraction as important as men do). I'm bisexual and I've been in long term romantic/sexual relationships with 6 men. Only one of them I was actually physically attracted to right at the start. For the rest, my attraction grew and developed through familiarity and social chemistry. A thing that only occurs over time and with consistent positive interaction, shared values, and a mutual desire for a relationship to exist. Most women aren't attracted to most men at the start. To be fair, it's not like we've been socialized to view men in the objectifying terms of physical beauty or that men have been socialized to actually put effort into their beauty, grooming, wardrobe, or even personal hygiene. And that's before we even get into, "so has he done the internal work to address his internalized misogyny or is he going to feel entitled to on-demand sex and 24/7 free maid services because he has a dick and she doesn't?" Cause most men sure as fuck haven't examined that repulsive part of themselves. They haven't even reached consistent dental cleanings. Idk if I agree that we find most men unattractive. I do agree that attractiveness tend to be a lower priority. And I know for me one trend I notice is that some men tend to have a list of things a woman must have to be considered attractive, whereas women tend to have many things we prefer, but we're realistic enough to know that humans aren't cookie cutters. I've found every man I've been with or been attracted to physically attractive, but there may be things I forgo in my preferences. For example I love a big burly guy, but have been with skinny, less hairy guys. They're still physically attractive to me, just don't fit all my usual preferences. Which is what I meant in my previous message by some guys I've been with I may not have find 100% physically attractive at first but became hot for their personality. TL;DR I just don't think it's fair to put all or most women in a category of we usually don't find most men physically attractive, I really don't believe that's true.
Go**** Posted Monday at 01:54 AM 9 minutes ago, ChubbyBi said: Ok so assuming your photos are of you, it isn’t your looks. You’re objectively handsome, and better looking than me. The difference could be your outlook, how you come across, attitude etc. Women aren’t as focused on looks as men are. Women grow to find men attractive the more they know them. So work on how you come over. Are you being overtly sexual straight away? Are you giving off desperate or insecure vibes? Be yourself, be honest, and don’t see sex as a prize. Big on the last line. I've unmatched a lot of guys for clearly only caring about their own pleasure and not at all about mine. A guy's view on sex can absolutely TANK how attractive we see them, regardless of actual physical attractiveness.
Go**** Posted Monday at 02:01 AM Oh also, please actually read people's bios. You say it's about looks here and maybe for some it is, but many of us are big on actually reading bios and seeing if we're compatible. I've had people get mad at me for not responding when I clearly have "won't respond if you're far away" in my bio, so either they didn't read it or disregarded my boundary. I've matched with people because I liked their bio more than their pics. So have a good bio written for yourself too.
gl**** Posted Monday at 02:04 AM 9 minutes ago, GoodGirl427 said: Big on the last line. I've unmatched a lot of guys for clearly only caring about their own pleasure and not at all about mine. A guy's view on sex can absolutely TANK how attractive we see them, regardless of actual physical attractiveness. I came here to say exactly this. Cisgender men typically care about what THEY want, even when it comes to submitting- It's like they think they are doing you the favour, when it's not supposed to be that way. Sex is great but not every interaction with someone of the gender(s) they're attracted to need to have it. And when sex is the only thing they want to talk about even though they say they want more than just a hookup/booty call, it's an immediate turn off. Consider yourself out into my "even when I'm horny you're crossed off" list.
Go**** Posted Monday at 02:09 AM 5 minutes ago, gluttonouspuppy said: I came here to say exactly this. Cisgender men typically care about what THEY want, even when it comes to submitting- It's like they think they are doing you the favour, when it's not supposed to be that way. Sex is great but not every interaction with someone of the gender(s) they're attracted to need to have it. And when sex is the only thing they want to talk about even though they say they want more than just a hookup/booty call, it's an immediate turn off. Consider yourself out into my "even when I'm horny you're crossed off" list. Right. Sex is meant to be a mutual experience. I'm a sub but not a fleshlight. I get pleasure from giving pleasure and I get on with those that will do the same for me.
Ti**** Posted Monday at 02:09 AM You're not ugly! I would say try working out to tone your body, chest, and arms. Also second-ing the other females and make sure your bio/ interactions are focused on her, her desires, her boundaries, what she's looking for. You will attract the right one with your focused interest in them.
mo**** Posted Monday at 02:45 AM First of all coming from a Dominant man if you speak to women with respect no matter if they are sub slave or whatever. That's more attractive to most women than looks or anything else. As far as sex goes it's meant for both parties to receive pleasure not just one or the other. Toning you're arms and chest will help. Bio helps as well yes I know I don't have the most interesting bio but I tend to show more of who am in Conversation. My point being the way you speak to women will tell a lot more about you than your bio. Good luck on your search.
Go**** Posted Monday at 02:47 AM 2 minutes ago, mountaincock87 said: First of all coming from a Dominant man if you speak to women with respect no matter if they are sub slave or whatever. That's more attractive to most women than looks or anything else. As far as sex goes it's meant for both parties to receive pleasure not just one or the other. Toning you're arms and chest will help. Bio helps as well yes I know I don't have the most interesting bio but I tend to show more of who am in Conversation. My point being the way you speak to women will tell a lot more about you than your bio. Good luck on your search. Heavyyyyy on all of this. The way you speak to women will be far more of a determiner than how you look.
do**** Posted Monday at 02:51 AM It’s probably your bio. In terms of physically, you’re not ‘unattractive’. You’re average and that’s okay. Ways to improve from what I see is to go to the gym and style the hair, and maybe grow some facial hair. That’s really it. And depends on your height.
Mi**** Posted Monday at 02:52 AM Author 1 hour ago, theegyptianking said: Ps I like to be able to talk to a guy about anything and everything and know they view me as a person wnd want to get to know me. Talk about my interests hobbies and life and theirs too. and I love the build up to sexual chemistry I like the same things. I love getting to know women, I’m enthralled by women in every way. But when I send messages that are from a perspective of wanting to know anyone as a person I rarely get responses and when I do they don’t go very far. When I’m explicitly sexual I get exponentially more responses and sometimes end up with a partner for the night or for a date or two. I have a strong disdain for guys who don’t have any human interest in women or respect for women, so there’s no excuse for them. But based on my experience the cost/benefit ratio skews strongly towards steering conversations to being strictly sexual. Basically, quick and dirty = success, slow paced and human = striking gold once every 10,000 attempts
Ka**** Posted Monday at 02:53 AM 5 minutes ago, GoodGirl427 said: Heavyyyyy on all of this. The way you speak to women will be far more of a determiner than how you look. 1000% being disrespected or treated like a cut of meat is definitely a turn off . I for one am attracted to a man that can appreciate my brain over my body
Mi**** Posted Monday at 03:01 AM Author 1 hour ago, LadyV said: The problem seems to be that men fundamentally misunderstand how attraction works for women. Yes, physical is part of it but that's just it...it's *part* of it. I almost never see a man I find physically attractive. 80-90% of the men in my inbox are all physically unattractive to me. I ran a poll about this one time and compared the poll results to existing research and it's pretty consistent: most women find most men physically unattractive. That said, women don't rank physical attraction at the top of their priority lists in dating. Men constantly insist that's a lie (despite so much goddamn research consistently showing that nope, women really don't rank physical attraction as important as men do). I'm bisexual and I've been in long term romantic/sexual relationships with 6 men. Only one of them I was actually physically attracted to right at the start. For the rest, my attraction grew and developed through familiarity and social chemistry. A thing that only occurs over time and with consistent positive interaction, shared values, and a mutual desire for a relationship to exist. Most women aren't attracted to most men at the start. To be fair, it's not like we've been socialized to view men in the objectifying terms of physical beauty or that men have been socialized to actually put effort into their beauty, grooming, wardrobe, or even personal hygiene. And that's before we even get into, "so has he done the internal work to address his internalized misogyny or is he going to feel entitled to on-demand sex and 24/7 free maid services because he has a dick and she doesn't?" Cause most men sure as fuck haven't examined that repulsive part of themselves. They haven't even reached consistent dental cleanings. This is amazing! Thank you so much for sharing. Female sexuality and the way attraction works differently between the sexes are far too under discussed and avoided. I’d love to learn and hear more of what you think and have to say about this. If you’re open to it please let me know. Send me a dm or reply here. Thanks again for the thoughtful response
Mi**** Posted Monday at 03:13 AM Author 1 hour ago, GoodGirl427 said: Sexy is a lot about personality and confidence. I've matched with a few people that I wasn't 100% attracted to on a physical only basis, but after talking a while with them became very hot and bothered for them just based on how much they cared about my pleasure, how confident they were, and how sexually compatible we were. Focus less on "how can I be attractive to women" and more on "how can I be the best version of myself so I attract people that I'm compatible with" Thank you for this. I appreciate the honest and genuine perspective. I had an immediate guy reaction that I just want to share out of transparency and open vulnerability. This made me think, “Great, not only am I not attractive enough to even get a match but then the rare matches I get end up not interested so then it seems like my personality isn’t attractive either.” That’s a double whammy feeling lol I have put a focus on being the best version of myself for years and an emphasis on women’s pleasure since I first became sexual. So, my initial gut reaction reading your response was that I’m still inferior to men women actually want despite being intent on and desiring to fulfill the very attractions you just talked about. These thoughts make it feel like I’m inferior to other men in personality as well as looks then.
Go**** Posted Monday at 03:21 AM 8 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said: Thank you for this. I appreciate the honest and genuine perspective. I had an immediate guy reaction that I just want to share out of transparency and open vulnerability. This made me think, “Great, not only am I not attractive enough to even get a match but then the rare matches I get end up not interested so then it seems like my personality isn’t attractive either.” That’s a double whammy feeling lol I have put a focus on being the best version of myself for years and an emphasis on women’s pleasure since I first became sexual. So, my initial gut reaction reading your response was that I’m still inferior to men women actually want despite being intent on and desiring to fulfill the very attractions you just talked about. These thoughts make it feel like I’m inferior to other men in personality as well as looks then. It took me months to find people I'm compatible with on here. I get your initial reaction, I think a lot of us have had them at least once before. You have to also remember that a small percentage of people looking for partners (serious, casual, or otherwise) may not be on apps or may use a different one. So not to base your opinions solely on your experience on apps. Secondly, a lot of people are either all talk no action, or aren't actually emotionally mature enough for any kind of relationship. So there's a lot to sift through. What i do know is after I stopped spending all my time being depressed that I wasn't getting the matches and meets i wanted and just focused on me, loving myself, and being confident in myself, and let things happen as they may, and let people who were just attracted to me for me and not for any angle I deliberately throw out there, I finally started finding what I wanted. Attitude gets you a lot of places, in addition to obvious aforementioned respect.
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