Possible to go from unattractive to sexy?

[Ti****]

31 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

I like the same things. I love getting to know women, I’m enthralled by women in every way. But when I send messages that are from a perspective of wanting to know anyone as a person I rarely get responses and when I do they don’t go very far. When I’m explicitly sexual I get exponentially more responses and sometimes end up with a partner for the night or for a date or two. I have a strong disdain for guys who don’t have any human interest in women or respect for women, so there’s no excuse for them. But based on my experience the cost/benefit ratio skews strongly towards steering conversations to being strictly sexual. Basically, quick and dirty = success, slow paced and human = striking gold once every 10,000 attempts

Soooo try to shoot for something in the middle and get back to me

[ra****]

I legit saw this earlier and went guy has to trying to get compliments because i see nothing wrong… even your profile isn’t bad it is better than 90% of them out there… but i am not everyone.

You have full body pics ✅
You have a Bio✅
There is more to your page✅

I wouldn’t click on someone so far away rn.. not sure what to tell you. There are other guys who could benefit from this question… are you getting responses and it is not from who you find attractive? If not even then… i question the validity of any of these apps telling us who we match… even if we pay.

[Mi****]

1 hour ago, ChubbyBi said:

Ok so assuming your photos are of you, it isn’t your looks. You’re objectively handsome, and better looking than me. The difference could be your outlook, how you come across, attitude etc. Women aren’t as focused on looks as men are. Women grow to find men attractive the more they know them. So work on how you come over. Are you being overtly sexual straight away? Are you giving off desperate or insecure vibes? Be yourself, be honest, and don’t see sex as a prize.

Thanks for sharing this outlook. I have heard a lot about my desperate/insecure vibes. This is an every weekly therapist appointment discussion. But it’s a cycle I struggle so much to break because the insecurity comes from women not being into me (thank you for the compliments, by the way—those are not lost on me! Thanks very much :) I am a bit of a dork, though, so women not being into me initially could be that rather than looks), then when they aren’t into me I become insecure and start to pre-reject myself because I get so used to initial rejection (based on looks or being a dork or whatever) that not being rejected feels like she’s making a mistake since it’s so isolated and singular that that happens.

It’s been seemingly kind of a chicken and egg situation for me.

[Ki****]

Nothing sexual is about looks! It’s all about confidence and respect for others and the ability to listen. So my advice would be to be less concerned with your looks and make sure that you treat every possible interaction with confidence and respect and attentiveness and smile! Good luck

[Go****]

4 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

Thanks for sharing this outlook. I have heard a lot about my desperate/insecure vibes. This is an every weekly therapist appointment discussion. But it’s a cycle I struggle so much to break because the insecurity comes from women not being into me (thank you for the compliments, by the way—those are not lost on me! Thanks very much :) I am a bit of a dork, though, so women not being into me initially could be that rather than looks), then when they aren’t into me I become insecure and start to pre-reject myself because I get so used to initial rejection (based on looks or being a dork or whatever) that not being rejected feels like she’s making a mistake since it’s so isolated and singular that that happens.

It’s been seemingly kind of a chicken and egg situation for me.

Tbh it sounds like you're your own worst enemy. I used to be the same way. At the end of the day, no one owes me a chance. No one is required to be attracted to me. When I adopted the mindset of I'm gonna shoot my shot and if it's meant to be it will be and if not it will go and that's ok, things shifted a lot for me. I used to be so hurt and worried about rejection, and would do the same thing with pre rejecting myself. Now I really don't care. Oh they passed on me? Left me on read? Oh well. At the end of the day it's really not a big deal. I know I'm hot and amazing and those that ARE attracted to me will eventually find me.

[sc****]

My best advice is to watch this video.

https://youtu.be/n4aMiAesXjE?si=udc81GKwtm0WAbkU

 

 

[gl****]

40 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

I like the same things. I love getting to know women, I’m enthralled by women in every way. But when I send messages that are from a perspective of wanting to know anyone as a person I rarely get responses and when I do they don’t go very far. When I’m explicitly sexual I get exponentially more responses and sometimes end up with a partner for the night or for a date or two. I have a strong disdain for guys who don’t have any human interest in women or respect for women, so there’s no excuse for them. But based on my experience the cost/benefit ratio skews strongly towards steering conversations to being strictly sexual. Basically, quick and dirty = success, slow paced and human = striking gold once every 10,000 attempts

The ultimate question in this case is start asking myself is, what are I valuing more: Fast, low risk and effort = low reward (if someone sexually rejects us, it's easier to get over) vs high risk (putting the genuine you out there) and having to put in a high amount of effort by starting out as someone that they just chat with about whatever, get to know one another through conversations and stories = high reward (the possibility of partners)? Because to me it sounds like you want low effort but high reward, and that's not something that anyone is entitled to outside of themselves and the dessert in the freezer

[Su****]

I didn't see myself as attractive before deciding to transition seeing my body match my inside gave me confidence in myself and look pretty good if I dont say so myself

[Mi****]

Thanks man! I just feel like apps show what women are really turned on by physically (and I’m all about that; I encourage women to get what they want, to have full sexual agency), and turns out to be the top 1%. I fault them none, especially since when the shoe is on the other foot (as it has been to a systemic level) men do the same thing. But most of us have little to no chance at being with the 1% we see as most attractive. Tell me if you feel this same way: I have a hard time then even believing a woman is turned on by me knowing she could easily have someone more physically appealing to her (and as dating apps seem to show, physical appearance is a factor—as it rightly should be—in attraction for women).

This is where my male brainwashing, my misogyny, patriarchal chains I am intent on breaking, messes with me. If I could fulfill my highest desire of physical attractiveness then I wouldn’t settle for anyone who was less than the most attractive to me. Women find 1% of men most attractive, but the kicker is they can actually get with these guys unlike we can with the top percentiles of attractive women. So, then whenever I am with someone I can’t get this feeling out of my head that I’m just being thrown a bone, that she finds me average physically and though she’s probably turned on by other things, the fact I’m not all that physically appealing to her, especially in comparison to what she could have, it makes sex feel like she’s doing it in large part just to appease your sexual needs so that you can continue to prosper together and she can reap the rewards of the other things she finds attractive about you. In that case, it feels like women are having sex with me out of necessity, as a task or a prerequisite to a relationship

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, GoodGirl427 said:

Idk if I agree that we find most men unattractive. I do agree that attractiveness tend to be a lower priority. And I know for me one trend I notice is that some men tend to have a list of things a woman must have to be considered attractive, whereas women tend to have many things we prefer, but we're realistic enough to know that humans aren't cookie cutters. I've found every man I've been with or been attracted to physically attractive, but there may be things I forgo in my preferences. For example I love a big burly guy, but have been with skinny, less hairy guys. They're still physically attractive to me, just don't fit all my usual preferences. Which is what I meant in my previous message by some guys I've been with I may not have find 100% physically attractive at first but became hot for their personality. TL;DR I just don't think it's fair to put all or most women in a category of we usually don't find most men physically attractive, I really don't believe that's true.

I’m curious what makes men’s “must haves”? What tells you these aren’t preferences but are must haves instead?

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, GoodGirl427 said:

Oh also, please actually read people's bios. You say it's about looks here and maybe for some it is, but many of us are big on actually reading bios and seeing if we're compatible. I've had people get mad at me for not responding when I clearly have "won't respond if you're far away" in my bio, so either they didn't read it or disregarded my boundary. I've matched with people because I liked their bio more than their pics. So have a good bio written for yourself too.

Curious what you think about this: I have rewritten my dating app bios over and over and the results never change. I’m a writer, so I write pretty well, but when it comes to bios on dating apps it’s incredibly difficult for me to use them effectively.

I don’t really like talking about myself. I would rather show than tell (anyone can tell you they’re a certain way but what they show you is how they truly are). I also also adhere strongly to the principle of being humble, and whenever I say good things about myself i feel so opposite of humble. For example, when you said in other comment that a guy’s view on sex is important in terms of attractiveness, well I have long felt like and been told that my view on sex is at a high tier, so why if I have this quality are women not responding to it? (Ugh, see that felt super uncomfortable to brag in any way like that 🙄) That tells me either I shouldn’t be confident about this thing cause I don’t actually have it (and then that makes me question my judgement to begin with) or if I do there’s something else so off putting about me that a quality like this can’t even be factored in

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, GoodGirl427 said:

Oh also, please actually read people's bios. You say it's about looks here and maybe for some it is, but many of us are big on actually reading bios and seeing if we're compatible. I've had people get mad at me for not responding when I clearly have "won't respond if you're far away" in my bio, so either they didn't read it or disregarded my boundary. I've matched with people because I liked their bio more than their pics. So have a good bio written for yourself too.

P.S. I get matches on other apps where the women obviously did not read my profile. So it’s an issue (albeit a much smaller one) for men too.

I can read pretty fast, so fortunately I can skim bios and quickly get if we align. But there’s a reason why half the timeI won’t read them at all either.

It’s tiring reading a bio, thinking of a good opening line that shows some of my personality and also expresses my genuine interest only to never get a response. Additionally, if every time I get on an app I get one match per every 1,000 swipes then think of how long it would be to even find a single opportunity if I’m intentionally reading every bio. Let’s say I slow down and read 20 bios a day, to get to 1,000 it would take 50 days of time spent per opportunity. Reading bios is virtually synonymous with swearing off the apps for good. Because at that point, to have one conversation (and it’s almost always with the person I had the least amount of interest in. Still had interest, but just the toss up level that you’re hardly all that into and know it’s not going to turn into anything) every 50 days, it becomes far more costly than rewarding and so you move on from it cause you’re too busy and have a life

[LTPeg]

I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. I don’t think you’re unattractive at all. I agree it’s a lot to do with how you come across. I have an inbox full of “attractive men” but if they’re too pushy, or cocky it’s an automatic no. I also don’t date cigarette smokers. Personally, things that catch my eye….if you’re looking for suggestions, toned arms/physically in shape, dental hygiene, and I like tattoos, but that’s definitely not everyone’s thing. You’ll find you’re girly, I’m sure of it. 😘

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, gluttonouspuppy said:

I came here to say exactly this. Cisgender men typically care about what THEY want, even when it comes to submitting- It's like they think they are doing you the favour, when it's not supposed to be that way. Sex is great but not every interaction with someone of the gender(s) they're attracted to need to have it. And when sex is the only thing they want to talk about even though they say they want more than just a hookup/booty call, it's an immediate turn off. Consider yourself out into my "even when I'm horny you're crossed off" list.

That’s so shitty and stupid that guys do that, say they are interested in more than just sex just so they can get a shot at sex. I’ve seen that since high school and always just found that to be so disgusting and pathetic and self centered.

I’ve always been honest about where things are going. I know I would have had more women interested in me, but it would have felt so disingenuous to me. Plus, I get the benefit of being told how much my honesty has been a breath of fresh air.

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, rainbowcataclysm said:

I legit saw this earlier and went guy has to trying to get compliments because i see nothing wrong… even your profile isn’t bad it is better than 90% of them out there… but i am not everyone.

You have full body pics ✅
You have a Bio✅
There is more to your page✅

I wouldn’t click on someone so far away rn.. not sure what to tell you. There are other guys who could benefit from this question… are you getting responses and it is not from who you find attractive? If not even then… i question the validity of any of these apps telling us who we match… even if we pay.

Thanks for the positivity and compliments

Do you mean responses to messages or matches and likes and all that?

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, TinyTicaBrat said:

Soooo try to shoot for something in the middle and get back to me

Which middle? I wrote like 10 of them 🤦🏼‍♂️ lol

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, King_Larry32 said:

Nothing sexual is about looks! It’s all about confidence and respect for others and the ability to listen. So my advice would be to be less concerned with your looks and make sure that you treat every possible interaction with confidence and respect and attentiveness and smile! Good luck

I really appreciate this outlook, King. I’m going to remember this. “Treat every possible interaction with confidence and respect and attentiveness and smile” is gold! Thanks so much. I’m seriously going to keep that line and refer to it going forward whenever I start to lean into that concerned about looks mindset.

[el****]

I'ma be honest w u just be you, I hate to say ts but for us guys is harder to find anyone but with time hopefully you find your frog 🙏

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, sciwin said:

My best advice is to watch this video.

https://youtu.be/n4aMiAesXjE?si=udc81GKwtm0WAbkU

 

 

🤯 didn’t see that coming

[ey****]

9 hours ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

the fact dating apps are about looks and I almost never get likes or anything on them makes it obvious that looks are a big reason why.

this is something I somewhat disagree with.  Of course, sure if you are on a hook up app and someone just wants someone they find aesthetic for the night, maybe - but generally as women have said it's often not the top priority.    This is something that is sometimes hilarious when guys who THINK they are super attractive come along and fail, usually because of their entitlement or manor.

Not that every guys who struggles IS entitled.  Dating is difficult. Online more so.

9 hours ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

But anyway, I’m big on accountability and self-improvement, so I’m desperately wanting to know what, if anything, I might be able to do to be attractive and sexy to women.

Some like different things.  It's important any physical changes (how you dress, shave/grooming/etc) is in a way you like and are comfortable with, otherwise it's a show you're unhappy with which you'll either grow to resent, or quickly drop if you find someone

In kink spheres, I've found being active helps - that is participating in real life communities *as well as* online and grow your knowledge and experience.   Seek to be better within these spheres and it automatically stands out above those who don't.

[li****]

Good advice for everyone is always go to the gym, take care of your hygiene and the way you present yourself.

[Ly****]

Okay, listen up. Attractiveness is like 10% good genes, 10% style and 80% the vibe you give. The actual look really doesn't matter much- the sexiest person I've ever met had greasy hair and pimples! It's the way your look expresses your personality and it also is a lot about the personality itself. To be attractive, you need to be in love with the person you are. You need to find a look you are comfortable with, a look that expresses yourself. You need confidence, REAL confidence, which means you never say too much or not enough. You need to be totally okay with the fact it doesn't always work on anyone. You need to be able to read a room. And you need to feel comfortable in your body. Bonus points if you are funny, smart, empathetic or have a lot of experience

[Gr****]

It depends on preferences, but here's my take (I'm looking for a relationship).

Have a

a neat profile, a few decent pictures (with or without your face is up to you)
dressed well; your style shows that you've put some thought into it, and it all fits together (style and color)
the specific style doesn't really matter

nice shoes, decent pants, maybe a belt, a nice top

Well-groomed face (cream, no dry patches), if you have a beard, then it should also be well-groomed and trimmed to your personal style, neat eyebrows, neat hair (well-groomed)

Hands and feet, including hand care (moisturizing), maybe even a manicure, neat cuticles, clean nails—it makes a much bigger difference than you think.

--> It's clear you've put some thought into your appearance.


The first pictures aren't shirtless, and no old, stretched-out boxer shorts (who wants to see that?). If the pictures in the gallery are completely nude/shirtless or you're in boxer shorts, then I think you're only interested in the sexual aspect.

The background of your pictures is neat and tidy, and any mirror is clean.

Tell us something about yourself in your profile, not just your sexual preferences/practices, but what makes you who you are, who are you? Most male profiles only list sexual practices, which is also a turn-off.

It's not about bowing down or contorting yourself. But I see so many men on this and other apps, and in real life, who clearly don't take care of themselves. That's a huge turn-off for me. Women are always expected to be well-groomed, but unfortunately, men usually don't make any effort.

[Gr****]

PS: I like your profile and your pictures. The pictures are friendly, personal, and cute. I definitely think you're attractive! Your profile text is personal, I like it. I'm empathetic and energetic, and I think it's noticeable that you might not be completely secure within yourself. That's something you could perhaps work on. Have a life that makes you very happy and that you could continue to live for many years to come. The missing pieces will definitely come when you're at peace with yourself. SELFWORK AND SELF IMPROVEMENT, reading and reflecting is a huge turn on! saddly there are not so much men that are trully reflecting themselves 🙏

[gi****]

All of these long drawn out answers and it’s not that deep lmaoo. All he needs is a new haircut, new clothes, grow out his beard and maybe go to the gym if he wants a lil extra razzle dazzle. Simple. He didn’t ask about his personality and we definitely judge off looks immediately because that’s what is presented to us on these apps… you don’t know anything else about someone until you speak to them.