Does the bar scene still work?

[In****]

I didn't go to bars in my 20s but now that I'm single apps just aren't effective anymore it seems like. Figure I'll try the bar scene but other than getting a couple chicks numbers Im not sure how escalation works in the arena. Any tips?

[St****]

I mean yeah, I think it works just about anywhere if you’re confident enough to approach and have the conversations

[pi****]

go to a busy bar on a friday around midnight and start acting like you own the place. sooner or later you should find someone drunk and horny enough for you 😜
if it doesnt work, retry next week until successful or death 🤷

[Vi****]

Take picking up women off the menu, go to socialize and treat the other person with a genuine interest. If your out hunting your going to strike out more often than not. Same with dating apps, have a genuine conversation.

[Ch****]

Step one: figure out what "escalation" means. Knowing when (or if) you ask "wanna f...k" to a new acquaintance vs asking for an actual date to really get to know someone involves fairly different tips. The first might involve getting a mouth guard.

[Vi****]

Also with your profile show what makes u different if sex is all your after with no personality or anything that sets u apart from all these waving dicks your not going to end up finding anyone.

[va****]

I like to go to bars with live music and I like to dance.
Go take some dance lessons.
I swear, Friday there was 1 guy who could dance and every single female in that place wished she was the girl he was dancing with.
Females like to dance
Start there

[va****]

Not sure if it works for sex tho, I don't go home with anyone, mostly because I prefer my business staying my business.
Even this site is a little ' busy" for me

[Deleted Member]

Landscape versus method. People and tools change as well as popularity and social acceptability of use for any given tool/method.

[xX****]

1 hour ago, vanme123 said:

I like to go to bars with live music and I like to dance.
Go take some dance lessons.
I swear, Friday there was 1 guy who could dance and every single female in that place wished she was the girl he was dancing with.
Females like to dance
Start there

I second this. If you dance like you’re having fun and give no shits you’ll draw people to you.

In most cases you don’t actually have to dance well, silly works too. coming from a person that enjoys this personally at a club or venue

[ey****]

go to bars you enjoy going to

a common issue is that people try to meet people via bars and then having met the person want to take them out of the bar.   If they go there every Friday night, you aint changing that.  

[Tr****]

I was just thinking about this I've been on apps several apps since November I have vetted lots of people and I have yet to find anyone that I connect with on a one-on-one level that doesn't want multiple partners or isn't married or doesn't want to play games gone are the days where you could go to the bar and meet someone worth a damn and these apps absolutely suck I agree old school love just don't exist no more

[Tr****]

You can't even get real r&b anymore lol it's all about who's the hottest and who can fuck the hardest lol I know that's a little dramatic but even all the music talks about these days is getting fucked up and fucking 😂😆
LAME.

[Tr****]

Romance is dead

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, TrACe_n-TeThEr said:

I was just thinking about this I've been on apps several apps since November I have vetted lots of people and I have yet to find anyone that I connect with on a one-on-one level that doesn't want multiple partners or isn't married or doesn't want to play games gone are the days where you could go to the bar and meet someone worth a damn and these apps absolutely suck I agree old school love just don't exist no more

I also think this is part of a larger, deeper Soul sickness, if you will, from which humanity is suffering. Whether it's always been part of us, become more visible due to modern advancements, or truly getting worse, it's definitely reflected in the spaces mentioned in this thread.

[In****]

12 hours ago, Viking-goth-orc said:

Also with your profile show what makes u different if sex is all your after with no personality or anything that sets u apart from all these waving dicks your not going to end up finding anyone.

True I know I'm a very interesting person so I don't even think to sell myself. Telling people how great I am has always felt fake to me. Maybe it's a skill I should learn to do.

[xX****]

23 minutes ago, Intake-Deez said:

True I know I'm a very interesting person so I don't even think to sell myself. Telling people how great I am has always felt fake to me. Maybe it's a skill I should learn to do.

This is a common problem I see a lot of. A lot of men feel it’s fake or pre formative to show the best of themselves on dating apps.

Going so far as to leave a one sentence bio on their page.

if a man is straight and their hoping to match with a woman, then showing the best of themselves is *paramount*

if we see a guy sitting on the toilet in their tshirt, barely any information, a ‘I’m an open book just ask’, one word prompts, or only their checklist of what they want they’re going to get passed over immediately.

women, and fem presenting people spend hours to get ready on a given day and post their work. They absolutely are marketing themselves. We’re proud of the work we put into ourselves.

if we see a guy in their laziest set of clothes and a lightweight profile all we see is “oh… this must be their best. I can expect worse if I were to match with him”


this isn’t me dogging on men, it’s just sad that the general mindset is “it’s fake or cringe” to give a damn

[Qu****]

Since you're on this site I'm going to ASSume you're looking for kinky partners. You're not going to find them at a bar. You're going to have to get involved in your local community. Go to munches (don't treat these as hunting grounds), attend classes if bdsm is your thing, etc. Also know kink isn't a fast or easy way to get sex, if that's your goal then go to the bar.

[In****]

1 hour ago, xX_waVey_Xx said:

This is a common problem I see a lot of. A lot of men feel it’s fake or pre formative to show the best of themselves on dating apps.

Going so far as to leave a one sentence bio on their page.

if a man is straight and their hoping to match with a woman, then showing the best of themselves is *paramount*

if we see a guy sitting on the toilet in their tshirt, barely any information, a ‘I’m an open book just ask’, one word prompts, or only their checklist of what they want they’re going to get passed over immediately.

women, and fem presenting people spend hours to get ready on a given day and post their work. They absolutely are marketing themselves. We’re proud of the work we put into ourselves.

if we see a guy in their laziest set of clothes and a lightweight profile all we see is “oh… this must be their best. I can expect worse if I were to match with him”


this isn’t me dogging on men, it’s just sad that the general mindset is “it’s fake or cringe” to give a damn

That's fair, one of my short term goals is to get back to looking incredible naked. Figure if the foundation is solid everything else comes easier. Im also getting way more into fashion but I think I'll have to find some gay friends or go shopping with women in order to get the wardrobe 😂. Also learn to take better photos. Thanks for your perspective.

[In****]

56 minutes ago, Quixote_69 said:

Since you're on this site I'm going to ASSume you're looking for kinky partners. You're not going to find them at a bar. You're going to have to get involved in your local community. Go to munches (don't treat these as hunting grounds), attend classes if bdsm is your thing, etc. Also know kink isn't a fast or easy way to get sex, if that's your goal then go to the bar.

What are munches? Getting laid really isn't that hard, I'm more curious about the kinkier side of the dynamic.

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, Intake-Deez said:

What are munches? Getting laid really isn't that hard, I'm more curious about the kinkier side of the dynamic.

Whoa. You're on a BDSM forum/site and aren't familiar with basic terms and elements - not demeaning you, just genuinely surprised. A Munch is an in-person meetup/lunch. Kink folks use them to get to know each other, talk kinks and everything else under the Moon, in a non-sexual setting. Meet new folks, vet folks, hang with folks, EAT?! lol

[xX****]

1 hour ago, Intake-Deez said:

That's fair, one of my short term goals is to get back to looking incredible naked. Figure if the foundation is solid everything else comes easier. Im also getting way more into fashion but I think I'll have to find some gay friends or go shopping with women in order to get the wardrobe 😂. Also learn to take better photos. Thanks for your perspective.

From a person experiencing the men’s fashion drought thank you for your service 🫡

also—

There’s nothing sluttier to women than a pop of color in an outfit at the club. Raves are more inclusive though and are much friendlier to strike up conversations with.

I wish you all the luck

[Mi****]

3 hours ago, xX_waVey_Xx said:

This is a common problem I see a lot of. A lot of men feel it’s fake or pre formative to show the best of themselves on dating apps.

Going so far as to leave a one sentence bio on their page.

if a man is straight and their hoping to match with a woman, then showing the best of themselves is *paramount*

if we see a guy sitting on the toilet in their tshirt, barely any information, a ‘I’m an open book just ask’, one word prompts, or only their checklist of what they want they’re going to get passed over immediately.

women, and fem presenting people spend hours to get ready on a given day and post their work. They absolutely are marketing themselves. We’re proud of the work we put into ourselves.

if we see a guy in their laziest set of clothes and a lightweight profile all we see is “oh… this must be their best. I can expect worse if I were to match with him”


this isn’t me dogging on men, it’s just sad that the general mindset is “it’s fake or cringe” to give a damn

I hear what you’re saying. I keep hearing how so many guys aren’t even meeting low bar expectations. I’m sure that’s to have your search muddied by having to filter through such a large percentage of low effort types.

I appreciate hearing others’ perspectives and thinking about how I can be part of the solution rather than the problem. So sharing your experience has a positive effect on change. In my experience as a guy who has been using dating apps for years and has reworked profiles dozens of times and followed others’ advice over and over the conclusion unfortunately doesn’t seem to indicate that effort is the issue.

In fact, when I have had the most success on apps it’s been when I have made them explicitly sexual. And even then I will only meet four women max in a year. Half will be ONS and rest will be a date and a couple hookups or just a date and then a ghost.

When I have had up profiles that actually showcase who I am I have only had a match or two a year and it quickly goes nowhere.

Interestingly, for me, when I hear “put in more effort” it actually turns against me. Think about it, if I put my best self out there, if I am putting in all my effort, going full marketing of myself with confidence and pride of work I put into myself and the result is still no one into me, that then becomes a testament that, if I do not actively protect myself against or try to convince myself isn’t actually true, easily turns into “I don’t actually have value and am not desirable to women.” Because if the bar is so low, if women aren’t expecting the impossible but just a bare minimum for a guy to even get his foot in the door with them, then if my trying to really put myself out there and show who I am is rejected (as has overwhelmingly been the case for me on apps), then my best, my everything, isn’t even seen as being as good or better than a guy with a photo on the toilet with a one line bio.

That’s a ***ful reality to live with. And it’s really hard to get yourself to believe it’s not true, that it’s just some silly coincidence based mainly on the inconsistency and ineffectiveness of the apps. I don’t like making excuses at all, so it’s really, really hard for me not to find it to be a clear indication of my value or lack thereof.

This seeps over into real world interactions then, too. So, when I meet someone outside of apps then I lean heavily towards pre-rejecting myself, thinking about how my best can’t even clear a super low bar and how I’m not likable or attractive or valuable or desirable and so even when a woman will do something like offer me her number without my even having to ask I just chalk it up as I bamboozled her some how and she didn’t see the real me, the one that’s been proven to not even be equal to a guy with pics on the toilet.

More on the point of what OP is asking about, it depends what they are looking for. I see another person commented about their frustration that all guys seem to either just want multiple partners, are married, or just plays games. This is where my personal experience might differ from OP’s possible experience. If OP isn’t one of those guys then they have (or at least should in theory have) an extremely good shot at being successful in escalating in any way they try. This is because logically they would be a rarity, and a rarity means there’s low supply of something. So, they should be seen as a big time catch, a unicorn. But, again this can be a double edged sword, because if you fit the mold in theory of what women are looking for and then fail to intrigue or interest them then this will feel like it says a lot about what your value or lack thereof actually is.

So, I can’t really answer OP’s question about how to escalate because it depends what they are seeking. For myself, I’m not interested in monogamy (exclusivity doesn’t work for me), so I am honest with myself and others in saying I am looking for a cuckquean type relationship with some stag/vixen elements sprinkled in. I feel like every woman who reads this is gonna roll her eyes and sarcastically wish me good luck (I already know this is a stupid, petty desire to have and that it’s impossible to ever have come to fruition), but I would rather be honest and upfront. Sure, women probably see me as a scumbag, but would they rather me lie and be manipulative just so that I appear and come across on the surface as a guy who isn’t like all the others, who isn’t wanting multiple partners, married, or playing games? It’s tempting for guys to lie and manipulate when our desires are written off as making us out to be scumbags. Not dogging on women, I get and respect where they’re coming from. I respect it to the point that I kind of remove myself from the dating pool even so that they have one less scumbag type muddying the waters they have to sift through. Is that commendable to women? Does that help and support women in their relationship pursuits and work more towards being part of possible solutions than the problem? Do you think more guys should remove themselves from the dating pool so as not to bog you all down with having to navigate through scumbags or guys with what can seem to us to be insufficient value as I talked about above?

And OP, what’s the goal of escalation for you?

[In****]

1 hour ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

I hear what you’re saying. I keep hearing how so many guys aren’t even meeting low bar expectations. I’m sure that’s to have your search muddied by having to filter through such a large percentage of low effort types.

I appreciate hearing others’ perspectives and thinking about how I can be part of the solution rather than the problem. So sharing your experience has a positive effect on change. In my experience as a guy who has been using dating apps for years and has reworked profiles dozens of times and followed others’ advice over and over the conclusion unfortunately doesn’t seem to indicate that effort is the issue.

In fact, when I have had the most success on apps it’s been when I have made them explicitly sexual. And even then I will only meet four women max in a year. Half will be ONS and rest will be a date and a couple hookups or just a date and then a ghost.

When I have had up profiles that actually showcase who I am I have only had a match or two a year and it quickly goes nowhere.

Interestingly, for me, when I hear “put in more effort” it actually turns against me. Think about it, if I put my best self out there, if I am putting in all my effort, going full marketing of myself with confidence and pride of work I put into myself and the result is still no one into me, that then becomes a testament that, if I do not actively protect myself against or try to convince myself isn’t actually true, easily turns into “I don’t actually have value and am not desirable to women.” Because if the bar is so low, if women aren’t expecting the impossible but just a bare minimum for a guy to even get his foot in the door with them, then if my trying to really put myself out there and show who I am is rejected (as has overwhelmingly been the case for me on apps), then my best, my everything, isn’t even seen as being as good or better than a guy with a photo on the toilet with a one line bio.

That’s a ***ful reality to live with. And it’s really hard to get yourself to believe it’s not true, that it’s just some silly coincidence based mainly on the inconsistency and ineffectiveness of the apps. I don’t like making excuses at all, so it’s really, really hard for me not to find it to be a clear indication of my value or lack thereof.

This seeps over into real world interactions then, too. So, when I meet someone outside of apps then I lean heavily towards pre-rejecting myself, thinking about how my best can’t even clear a super low bar and how I’m not likable or attractive or valuable or desirable and so even when a woman will do something like offer me her number without my even having to ask I just chalk it up as I bamboozled her some how and she didn’t see the real me, the one that’s been proven to not even be equal to a guy with pics on the toilet.

More on the point of what OP is asking about, it depends what they are looking for. I see another person commented about their frustration that all guys seem to either just want multiple partners, are married, or just plays games. This is where my personal experience might differ from OP’s possible experience. If OP isn’t one of those guys then they have (or at least should in theory have) an extremely good shot at being successful in escalating in any way they try. This is because logically they would be a rarity, and a rarity means there’s low supply of something. So, they should be seen as a big time catch, a unicorn. But, again this can be a double edged sword, because if you fit the mold in theory of what women are looking for and then fail to intrigue or interest them then this will feel like it says a lot about what your value or lack thereof actually is.

So, I can’t really answer OP’s question about how to escalate because it depends what they are seeking. For myself, I’m not interested in monogamy (exclusivity doesn’t work for me), so I am honest with myself and others in saying I am looking for a cuckquean type relationship with some stag/vixen elements sprinkled in. I feel like every woman who reads this is gonna roll her eyes and sarcastically wish me good luck (I already know this is a stupid, petty desire to have and that it’s impossible to ever have come to fruition), but I would rather be honest and upfront. Sure, women probably see me as a scumbag, but would they rather me lie and be manipulative just so that I appear and come across on the surface as a guy who isn’t like all the others, who isn’t wanting multiple partners, married, or playing games? It’s tempting for guys to lie and manipulate when our desires are written off as making us out to be scumbags. Not dogging on women, I get and respect where they’re coming from. I respect it to the point that I kind of remove myself from the dating pool even so that they have one less scumbag type muddying the waters they have to sift through. Is that commendable to women? Does that help and support women in their relationship pursuits and work more towards being part of possible solutions than the problem? Do you think more guys should remove themselves from the dating pool so as not to bog you all down with having to navigate through scumbags or guys with what can seem to us to be insufficient value as I talked about above?

And OP, what’s the goal of escalation for you?

Good question at the end. Escalation to me simply means the step. I never go into a meeting with a person with goals before talking to them. If I'm getting sexual vibes then escalation means going home with that person. If I'm getting interesting to speak to and high attraction vibes then escalation means a second meet up. But really that part I don't struggle with. For me it's the cold open. Other than peacocking or just walking straight up with a rehearsed line. Starting the conversation is my weakness at the moment

[In****]

3 hours ago, NexumSange said:

Whoa. You're on a BDSM forum/site and aren't familiar with basic terms and elements - not demeaning you, just genuinely surprised. A Munch is an in-person meetup/lunch. Kink folks use them to get to know each other, talk kinks and everything else under the Moon, in a non-sexual setting. Meet new folks, vet folks, hang with folks, EAT?! lol

Lol I like to dive into things without any clue what's going on. Keeps life super exciting. Are there ways to find these munches? Or do I need to go to Secrets here in Orlando before I get into the community?