How to communicate constructively

[jinxed]

Due to the typical unhelpful upbringing, I'm struggling with uncontrollable reactivity. I've been working on it for some years now and thought I was finally getting somewhere just to realise that I now have destroyed a connection that made me feel safer and more seen than anyone has ever before. So I'm trying to pick up the pieces and to understand what I can do to stop this horrendous cycle that hurts me and the people I come in contact with. 
I know it has to do with my need for a rather extremely high level of consistency, transparency and reliability. I'm fully aware that I need to keep working on my impulse control but I'm just not sure that this fundamental need can ever go away. However, asking for this firstly seems very demanding as it has to do with very precise word choice, my inability to deal with exceptions in the beginning and very clear scheduling. Secondly, in an ideal scenario, it would have to be communicated before I get triggered, but when is the right time? Do I give out a list of my triggers? And wouldn't that be like saying "These are the rules and if you can't do it, then it won't work"? As if to say, well I can't change, so you have to adapt to me. And that's just not an attitude I can take on, I don't think.

Perhaps some of you have found ways to deal with such a situation whether as the person with high reactivity or the one dealing with a person like this and I'd be very grateful for any advice.   

[An****]

please look into avoidance and/or Cluster B symptoms and behaviours...

im BPD so i know what im talking about, and can relate.

[Someguy182a]

If it's not BPD could be an AuADHD response.
"If this is the plan, this is the plan. Changes to the plan are unacceptable. Unless I'm changing the plan"

[An****]

every bpd loses it if you change plans....
but if the bpd wants to change it, yeah... exactly how you write. im like that... now finally i know why, and trying to address it.
i like how you phrase it.... unacceptable. yes. YES it is.
that's it for me.

Edited May 23 by Annarella

[jinxed]

Thanks for your ideas. While it is always helpful to know what causes behaviour, I'm more looking for actionable solutions. So perhaps any suggestions? 

[An****]

1 minute ago, jinxed said:

Thanks for your ideas. While it is always helpful to know what causes behaviour, I'm more looking for actionable solutions. So perhaps any suggestions? 

but if you dont know what causes the problem in the first place, how to find a solution?

[Br****]

Is there a time you can remember you didnt feel like this or has it always been there as part of your upbringing?

[jinxed]

54 minutes ago, Annarella said:

 

but if you dont know what causes the problem in the first place, how to find a solution?

Very good point. And I do know the root cause. In many areas of my life I have found solutions, ways to regulate and react more sensibly. This particular topic however (knowing exactly what to expect) is one that is fundamental for me in building trust. I'm afraid there's no way for this need to go away. I'm just not sure how to communicate it. 

[jinxed]

34 minutes ago, BraggiR said:

Is there a time you can remember you didnt feel like this or has it always been there as part of your upbringing?

I'm not sure to be honest. But I don't think this is a problem that affects only me. So perhaps I should rephrase my question. Is there a way to communicate such fundamental needs, no matter what they are exactly, that isn't demanding or ultimatum-like?

 

[An****]

i feel you cos i have this.. so much so that i became an hikkikomori and avoided sex and relationships altogether.

so, kudos to you for not doing the same but actually wanting to get better.

i know the feeling of ruining something promising.. it hurts a lot.
especially if you really didnt mean it!!

Edited May 23 by Annarella

[An****]

6 minutes ago, jinxed said:

I'm not sure to be honest. But I don't think this is a problem that affects only me. So perhaps I should rephrase my question. Is there a way to communicate such fundamental needs, no matter what they are exactly, that isn't demanding or ultimatum-like?

 

sweetly, slowly, empathetically....?

in a soft way

[Br****]

16 minutes ago, jinxed said:

I'm not sure to be honest. But I don't think this is a problem that affects only me. So perhaps I should rephrase my question. Is there a way to communicate such fundamental needs, no matter what they are exactly, that isn't demanding or ultimatum-like?

 

Yes, I think there is in terms of assertiveness.

1) Let them go first. Get them to express their needs and their boundaries. We all have them. I think a person would be a lot more receptive to talking about your needs if you had just fully explored theirs.

2) Go gradually. I’m just at the very beginning of another new relationship (Whoo hoo). I’m going at their pace, letting them move things along at a level they are comfortable with.

3) Give and take conversations. Where you each take a particular boundary and discuss it.

4) Homework. This was my introduction to BDSM with the woman who is now my longest running relationship in our polycule. She gave me a homework sheet to fill in which had EVERYTHING on it. This works for her as she’s very autistic. After I had filled out my homework she and discussed it she showed me hers. As she’s an abusive survivor her sheet is littered with things we cannot do, and I know exactly why. Very clear, useful communication.

6) Pick the best moment to discuss. You’ll know in your gut.

Hope some of that helps.

[jinxed]

11 minutes ago, Annarella said:

i feel you cos i have this.. so much so that i became an hikkikomori and avoided sex and relationships altogether.

so, kudos to you for not doing the same but actually wanting to get better.

i know the feeling of ruining something promising.. it hurts a lot.
especially if you really didnt mean it!!

I've had this plan many times, of avoiding any deeper connection. And it worked for a while, I only focused on sex and then it wasn't a big deal when something broke off because of inconsistency etc. And a massive part of me is thinking about going back to that state of being, but after what I experienced the last months.. not possible. Did I mean it? In that moment 100% because my head was about to explode from trying to not react while reacting full throttle. So again, there needs to be a way to preempt this. 

[jinxed]

2 minutes ago, BraggiR said:

 

Yes, I think there is in terms of assertiveness.

1) Let them go first. Get them to express their needs and their boundaries. We all have them. I think a person would be a lot more receptive to talking about your needs if you had just fully explored theirs.

2) Go gradually. I’m just at the very beginning of another new relationship (Whoo hoo). I’m going at their pace, letting them move things along at a level they are comfortable with.

3) Give and take conversations. Where you each take a particular boundary and discuss it.

4) Homework. This was my introduction to BDSM with the woman who is now my longest running relationship in our polycule. She gave me a homework sheet to fill in which had EVERYTHING on it. This works for her as she’s very autistic. After I had filled out my homework she and discussed it she showed me hers. As she’s an abusive survivor her sheet is littered with things we cannot do, and I know exactly why. Very clear, useful communication.

6) Pick the best moment to discuss. You’ll know in your gut.

Hope some of that helps.

Oh my God. Thank you! Seriously! This is simply astonishingly good advice!! I will reread this several times!
And what I love most about it is that your longest running connection was so clear about her needs. So she has accepted this about herself and found an amazing way to bring it up. This is brilliant. What a lucky person you are to have met such a clever and proactive woman!

And congratulations to having started a new relationship! 

[jinxed]

6 minutes ago, BraggiR said:

 

1) Let them go first. Get them to express their needs and their boundaries. We all have them. I think a person would be a lot more receptive to talking about your needs if you had just fully explored theirs.

3) Give and take conversations. Where you each take a particular boundary and discuss it.
 

Especially these points speak to me so much, because this was exactly my problem! The "Here are my needs, deal with them". It felt so wrong because it seemed to ignore the needs of the other person.
Honestly, thank you. 

[An****]

30 minutes ago, BraggiR said:

Yes, I think there is in terms of assertiveness.

1) Let them go first. Get them to express their needs and their boundaries. We all have them. I think a person would be a lot more receptive to talking about your needs if you had just fully explored theirs.

2) Go gradually. I’m just at the very beginning of another new relationship (Whoo hoo). I’m going at their pace, letting them move things along at a level they are comfortable with.

3) Give and take conversations. Where you each take a particular boundary and discuss it.

4) Homework. This was my introduction to BDSM with the woman who is now my longest running relationship in our polycule. She gave me a homework sheet to fill in which had EVERYTHING on it. This works for her as she’s very autistic. After I had filled out my homework she and discussed it she showed me hers. As she’s an abusive survivor her sheet is littered with things we cannot do, and I know exactly why. Very clear, useful communication.

6) Pick the best moment to discuss. You’ll know in your gut.

Hope some of that helps.

point 4 is great and im gonna implement it

[An****]

30 minutes ago, jinxed said:

I've had this plan many times, of avoiding any deeper connection. And it worked for a while, I only focused on sex and then it wasn't a big deal when something broke off because of inconsistency etc. And a massive part of me is thinking about going back to that state of being, but after what I experienced the last months.. not possible. Did I mean it? In that moment 100% because my head was about to explode from trying to not react while reacting full throttle. So again, there needs to be a way to preempt this. 

knowing is already 50% of the job... not a cliché, but a fact.

neuroplasticity is the word... your brain and mind learn and change and evolve. thank God.

[cl****]

Hey friend, can we talk in private if possible, I want to kno more and share my thoughts accordingly. If not, that’s fine too, I’ll give you something general over here. I’m very sorry you lost a connection, there most likely is more to the story but you come across as someone who at the end of the day is genuinely trying to be better and that in and of itself deserves praise. I think you do need a safe space and might want to go from there. That would allow you to better calm your nerves and maybe you can start the healing process. This cycle of putting yourself in volatile situations seems to only work to make you even more unsure. You then seem to internalize it and hesitate and over think in other interactions. I’m not a fan of ppl being made to feel as though they were born “the problem.” Im not too different from you, truly. Message me, ask for my number, we can text all day.

[Xt****]

I’m not sure if this would help, but I’m the kind of person that prefers to know the triggers and work on them together, rather than not and making someone feel bad and loosing them!

[pe****]

Have a look at the book “Attached”. By Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. You may have an “anxious” attachment style and it tends to work particularly badly if your romantic partner is/was an “evitative” one. Both sides should learn to converge to a “safe” style. These are deeply ingrained characteristics and we can’t really totally change them (the name style may sound like something we can just change as we wish, which it is not the case), but we can learn to improve. I hope this helps.

[Xt****]

45 minutes ago, XtremCNC said:

I’m not sure if this would help, but I’m the kind of person that prefers to know the triggers and work on them together, rather than not and making someone feel bad and loosing them!

And I meant both ways
We all have something to work on!
The very good thing, is that you’re aware!
Many of us work on autopilot mode.

[Se****]

This is likely going to be one of the most unhelpful replies you’ll get and I apologise for that but sometimes it is also about the other person and their responsiveness/ability to make you feel safe enough to explain what you need and also their ability to take it on board and adapt.

I am not saying it is solely about the other person though.

I struggle with similar things to what you appear to be talking about. I’ve (over)reacted and escalated in situations in the past and it has cost me dearly.

Parts of me shut down, and are still shut down, because I was/am too much/not enough etc, etc.

I stopped trying to explain my needs and simply tried to please others enough that they’d give me what I (thought I) needed without me having to actually ask or explain myself to them - unsurprisingly that didn’t work.

I have, fortunately, met a wonderful man who, much to my disgust, is teaching me to talk and use my words. I hate it with a passion because it terrifies me every time I express a need or an emotion. However, every time, without fail he responds consistently, with empathy and a genuine desire to further understand me and how he can support me. Nothing seems to phase him and he always has a calm control. I am learning, slowly, that opening up and being honest about what I need is actually improving not only our relationship but also thoughts and feelings I believed about myself for so long.

I empathise with your worries about “these are the rules…” but they aren’t your rules, they’re your needs for what makes you be able to be safe enough to open up. Would thinking of them as boundaries change your view point at all?

Sorry for the ramble. I hope you get some great advice and answers. 

[uc****]

I'd open the door for you till it came off the hinges beautiful

[Se****]

4 hours ago, BraggiR said:

 

Yes, I think there is in terms of assertiveness.

1) Let them go first. Get them to express their needs and their boundaries. We all have them. I think a person would be a lot more receptive to talking about your needs if you had just fully explored theirs.

2) Go gradually. I’m just at the very beginning of another new relationship (Whoo hoo). I’m going at their pace, letting them move things along at a level they are comfortable with.

3) Give and take conversations. Where you each take a particular boundary and discuss it.

4) Homework. This was my introduction to BDSM with the woman who is now my longest running relationship in our polycule. She gave me a homework sheet to fill in which had EVERYTHING on it. This works for her as she’s very autistic. After I had filled out my homework she and discussed it she showed me hers. As she’s an abusive survivor her sheet is littered with things we cannot do, and I know exactly why. Very clear, useful communication.

6) Pick the best moment to discuss. You’ll know in your gut.

Hope some of that helps.

Can I ask about the homework sheet please? Was it pre written questions you answered? Were they generic or specific to her/you? I’m interested in knowing more about this.

Thanks

[Al****]

So gorgeous XXX