How to communicate constructively

[jinxed]

@SerendipitousKeeper I fully agree with you, the other person matters and that is what shocks me the most, in this case the other person was continuously understanding, patient, open, responsive and the safest place I have ever known. This is what I mean, this need seems to be so ridiculously fundamental that it overrides everything.

But let's not get started on boundaries though.. I'm working on basic interaction skills at the moment, still in the baby-steps stage I'm afraid.  

Thanks for your message, no rambling detected and I very much appreciated your words!  

[pe****]

3 hours ago, petix said:

Have a look at the book “Attached”. By Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. You may have an “anxious” attachment style and it tends to work particularly badly if your romantic partner is/was an “evitative” one. Both sides should learn to converge to a “safe” style. These are deeply ingrained characteristics and we can’t really totally change them (the name style may sound like something we can just change as we wish, which it is not the case), but we can learn to improve. I hope this helps.

Apologies for wrong translation: Where I wrote “evitative”, please read “avoidant”

[jj****]

Our triggers are ultimately our own responsibility and we have to address them in therapy. Expecting a partner to walk on a tightrope sets up everyone for disappointment later.

It is not your partner’s responsibility to keep track of your triggers or the words you don’t like. You’ll have to find a way to cope with those things. The most reasonable thing you can ask of a partner is to not *** the knowledge of your sore points.

Having an anxious attachment style doesn’t mean love is impossible, it just means you have to kind of parent yourself in a way. And you have a ***ful lesson to carry with you as a motivator for continuing to do the work you need to do.

[si****]

I like approach life and interactions with others with;
"YOU'RE OK, I'M OK". We all want to end up with best relationships for ourselves. We are all working through our (own) life's journey. From a bird's eye view, how do find the right person to start working with? I always want that answer. But in our real lives, we have to interact with MANY before we "try " another person to develop an ongoing relationship with.

I didn't mean to give you specific solutions. Only I observed through your responses to others on different topics that you have a great awareness of yourself and wishing others well.

You WILL work through your interactions with developing relationships. I wish you well. BEST WISHES. HUGS

[Mr****]

So I don't know your exact circumstances but I don't think there is anything wrong with treating things as rules. Whether we like to admit it or not we all have rules for who, when, how much, of our time and attention we give others. It is your partner's choice whether that is something they can live with or not.

What is important is that you communicate clearly about your needs and your rules. So that might look something like. "I want you to know that I really struggle when it feels like there is a lack of transparency in a relationship. When (insert scenarios where you feel like transparency is lacking) type situations occur. I tend to react in these ways. I can recognize that some of these things aren't supportive of a healthy relationship and I plan to work on those. What would be really helpful in those situations is for you to listen and remind me that you care about me and not take the things I say personally. I really want a partner who is understanding and patient and who can support me in working to make our relationship better. If that's not your cup of tea no worries."

It takes a lot of work to better yourself. And you should be proud of how far you have come. Don't turn mountains into baby steps. Celebrate every tiny victory like you just cured cancer. (Insert really great inspirational quote that I forgot here). Keep up the good work

[Darling-Brat]

I haven't looked at the other comments, so bear with me if I repeat something.

First and foremost, no, giving someone a list of things that can set you off is not a list of rules they need to follow: they're an ask for accommodation.

It sounds like you're going through something a lot of neurodivergent people struggle with - whether you are one or not: living in a world where you're not the visible norm and people constantly gatekeep whether your needs are valid.

Here's the thing: you're not compatible with everyone, which also means that not everyone is for you. The people who are will be thankful to learn how you work and curious about what makes you tick.

That doesn't mean communication isn't a challenge. But people who care are also usually welcoming of a challenge. Challenge is something that brings us closer together if we attack it as a problem we can find ways to solve together.

Circling back to your list of triggers: someone may look at them and say: "I'm unable to accommodate these the way you want," and that's okay. If the conversation ends there, that's it. But it doesn't have to. Sometimes, you can work out new ways to accommodate those needs. Your needs are a reality. You can't shrink them to be more pleasant.

And you're already aware of and working on your own issues. I'm sure this isn't pleasant for you either. As long as you work on becoming a better person while the person you care about works with you on figuring out ways to accommodate you, it's okay to not be perfect. You can give and receive grace with the people where it clicks.

Genuinely, you deserve compassion, not as an excuse to hurt, but as a permission to be human and make mistakes and then make amends. Repair is key. And then accountability.

Good luck. I know how hard it is, but I believe.

[Mr****]

That you're asking at all shows your heart is in the right place.

Tl;dr: get you own boundaries and permeaations in order, balance your hopes with realistic understanding of people (including yourself), and assert your needs as hoc as thought without the unhelpful assumption *by you* that expressing your *desired state* is either a contract or a death sentence.

These things are practiceable, but require a "dynamic of yourself within yourself" first. Flatly: if you cannot simultaneously balance a personal-life expression of boundaries (what is not permitted regardless of how close anyone/anything is) and permeaations (what you allow to fast-pass to the depths of your very self regardless of boubdaries), you are not ready for any sort of dynamic or interpersonal relationship at all. I stand on that statement as the one absolute in the full relative field of interactions we call dynamics. You may still find one and be happy in it; but know that such outcomes are the domain of favorable winds of fortune more than genuineness of self.

You state that you have a high need for consistency, transparency, and reliability. That just translates to "be who you said you'll be, present the same way that you actually are, and try not to change too much." Fine. But humans are fallible and inconstant creatures: temper your hopes with reality and expand your reality with hope. You can express your desires for the *state and condition* of a person, but *that will never be enfor.ceable* because people ourselves are transient. Our mood and condition can change based on the spiciness of colognes / perfumes we encounter or foods we eat: your first submission must be to the inevitable transience of human beings. Get that part down and the rest falls into place.

You don't "make the desire for consistency, transparency, and reliability go away", you hope that the ideal exists but expect that it doesn't *and you stuff your disappointment when you encounter reality as it is*. That is first; that is foremost. From there, you assess your boundaries *but you also reassess you'd own contract*. Both happen simultaneously always: you don't second-guess your dynamic because something happened *to* you, you check in with your requirements as something *you maintain*. A breach is a breach, full stop. Discuss, then move forward, move out, or move on—but you *move*. You effect some action.

As to "when should I"—wrong question. Any consideration of things relative to *you* (what makes you *you* and what you *prefer* from others—"require" is too strong a word to guarantee) happens *with immediacy and urgency*. Delay in that is forbidden because the failure to convey information in intended-transparent relationships is almost universally unhelpful to you or anyone else.

That's it: nothing follows.

[jinxed]

8 hours ago, Darling-Brat said:

That doesn't mean communication isn't a challenge. But people who care are also usually welcoming of a challenge. Challenge is something that brings us closer together if we attack it as a problem we can find ways to solve together.

[...] Your needs are a reality. You can't shrink them to be more pleasant.

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts! 
When I read them, I felt so much hope! I mean, it takes a lot of mutual understanding to make any deeper connection work, regardless of the type of person you are, right? Sometimes because of stuff in our brains, sometimes because of outside circumstances. For example, if someone has a young child, then the other one will need to make allowances for that too and actually that would be a need that cannot as you so perfectly said it be shrunk at all. So everyone will have a need that is fundamental and solutions need to be found to still make it work. 
Thank you. Your words felt like honey! 

Edited yesterday at 11:34 AM by jinxed

[La****]

I'm a trauma survivor and it's taken 3 years to get my reactions and emotions under control with the help of many books, pod casts, meditation, therapy DBT training.

The DBT training was the most valuable part of my recovery. If you have any questions I'd love to help.

[an****]

Can you share with us some details about your reactions, triggers, and such? How was this relationship destroyed? A high level of consistency, transparency, and reliability is a bar, the standard, not the exception. Inability to deal with exceptions sounds like holding a boundary, this is hard limit language not a mental disorder. Clear scheduling is adult behavior not 'asking too much'. Communication is a non-negotiable not burden. I am making an assumption here. You had a little human or some other life change and developed normal boundaries and now it feels wrong because being a doormat has been consistent and normal for so long that wanting anything else feels like selfish or something that's not for you. Your post has a lot of very normal and decent ideas and wants, so unless you are randomly triggered and biting or beating up people, if you are just standing your ground, that is not weird or some disorder or something mythical. It's just normal and that might feel wrong. Are you biting people?

[jinxed]

@anotherusername First of all, thank you for making me laugh! 
Unfortunately, most of the answers to your questions are a bit too personal for a thread, so I can only answer the last one: For some years now only playfully. 
Your words made me think and of course you are right, communicating important needs is simply necessary. I'm understanding this slowly. If one can learn to voice them in a reasonable and preventative manner instead of during an outburst, it might even feel freeing to do it. But the first step seems to be accepting the necessity of stating what helps to build trust, and your post offers many convincing arguments, so thank you.