Doms needs to release

[Mo****]

Have you ever, as a Dom, reached a point where none of the subs you meet seem capable of handling the dynamic, expectations, and level of engagement you seek?

Sometimes I wonder whether the issue is the quality of the subs I encounter, my own standards and approach, or whether genuinely committed subs are simply becoming rarer.

What I notice, especially among younger subs, is that many seem to understand D/s primarily through the lens of sex. For me, however, the dynamic is much broader than that. It encompasses trust, service, communication, structure, growth, and the overall relationship—not just sexual interactions.

Have others experienced this shift, or is it simply a matter of finding the right match?

[Ro****]

Sex is the shop window of BDSM and there's a lot of inaccurate porn out there that misrepresents the dynamic. I don't think this is new. It's always been there. But the Internet, especially the heavier commercialisation of it in recent years, has made it more prominent.

[lovlee-lala]

I am having the same issues but as a sub seeking a Dom. Most immediately try to skip steps in creating the dynamic of trust, connection, communication, growth of the relationship and its immediately about sexual interaction, and some are taking on the label of being dominant and not the role and meaning of being A Dom. All they know is “well I’m naturally dominant “ and “ I can give orders in bed” They haven’t taken the time to educate themselves on the responsibilities of the role, or how to create a safe environment for a sub

[Sa****]

I completely agree with lovey-lala!!! I am a “new” sub, but an older woman. I have been looking for months for a real sub to train me, not play with me!!! It’s awful how many boys just want to play dom in the bedroom.

[le****]

Red flag when “a dom” or anyone says “no limits”

[Di****]

Younger people seem less inclined to focus beyond sex and most don’t put in the work . Low attention span , low desire to learn or improve . This is not to say they don’t exist it’s simply a needle in a haystack. Become the magnet

[0P****]

For me I can only comment on my experience, I as a sub agree with what you are saying about people only really in it for the sex part. I had an experience with a Dom (unfortunately I lost contact with them).
I was a a few years younger at the time but he helped me focus on the mental side. one time we were just chatting and I was having a panic attack (can't remember over what) he was able to pull me out of it and was making sure it wouldn't develop again he took a step back and went into this nurturing kind of role. Everything bedroom related was dropped for the rest of the time until the next time I saw them. And for that I would be ever so greatful. Unfortunately I have not found a Dom since who would put bedroom stuff aside over other things. At the time I was around and my Dom was in late 50s. Was the best dynamic I had the pleasure to experience.

[ra****]

If your mind is trained to your needs not get met, then your experience exactly that.

Edited June 25 by usedbyher

[la****]

As a new sub, I am ready to be trained. I find it hard to find any Doms here that are willing to make better quality subs. What do you expect when even on sites like this, all you see is the sex. Help us see the other side. I’m open to discussing how a dynamic should work but I admit I have a lot to learn, but I want to learn, and so do a lot of new sub curious people. If you acknowledge that times are changing then you have to change with the time.

[na****]

It's all gone down the pipe now,to find someone who will be on same Lv is impossible

[su****]

I wish this topic could have been discussed more as an actual topic rather than taking over by another fake Dom.

I also am having the exact same experience in finding a real Dom who knows what the dynamic is all about. Unfortunately, the couple that I have met here are looking for the same type of dynamic that I am. Too many on both sides think it’s just about bossy Tinder hook ups.

[Ro****]

As a solo poly submissive for the past 10 years, I completely understand why you feel this way, but I look at it from a slightly different angle.For me, preserving my day-to-day autonomy is non-negotiable. Because of this, I deliberately keep the strict D/s dynamic confined to the bedroom. Outside of that space, my Dominants are my equals, my friends, and my anchor partners.You mentioned that younger subs might view D/s purely through the lens of sex. While that is definitely true for some, for others, keeping the dynamic bedroom-focused is a conscious lifestyle choice to protect their independence—not a lack of commitment to the concepts of trust and communication.It really comes down to compatibility. Some of us need that strict separation to function in our daily lives, while still offering deep, authentic vulnerability when the scene is active. It might just be a matter of finding a sub whose structural boundaries align with the specific depth you are looking for.

[Me****]

19 minutes ago, sub03038 said:

I wish this topic could have been discussed more as an actual topic rather than taking over by another fake Dom.

I also am having the exact same experience in finding a real Dom who knows what the dynamic is all about. Unfortunately, the couple that I have met here are looking for the same type of dynamic that I am. Too many on both sides think it’s just about bossy Tinder hook ups.

I completely agree. Finding a Dom who genuinely wants a submissive—not just a bedroom plaything or a quick hookup—has been surprisingly difficult.

Too many people seem to think “Dom” means I can’t say no, or that because I enjoy impact play I’ve somehow consented to rough treatment in every aspect of the dynamic. That’s not dominance—that’s ignoring consent.

For me, BDSM has never been about sex first. It’s about trust, communication, mutual respect, and earning the privilege of vulnerability. Sex can absolutely be a fun bonus that sometimes comes with a scene, but it’s never been the foundation of what I’m looking for. The dynamic exists because of consent, not despite it.

[Sm****]

I'm going to touch on many subjects, from your topic to things I've read in the comments. I recently posted about collar etiquette, and with that post, it showed how much our community has fallen away from the honor and code of conduct that keeps us from looking like a bunch of abusive deviants.

There's nothing wrong with looking for a 24/7 dynamic as a Dominant the majority of the work isn't done in the room you are building your sub up. Being a sub isn't a lesser role; it's actually the role with the most power. They are choosing to allow you to take charge for their best interest. If you're not working in their interest, you are failing them and yourself.
Our lifestyle requires a lot of self-control, communication, honor, and respect. I run a group, so I'm not around nearly as much as I used to be, but I keep my messages open to conversation.

There has been a massive influx of both fake doms using it as a way to get women who are looking for the experience, as well as people joining who are earnest in their goals but are at the beginning of the journey. It makes it difficult for those with experience, as the submissive members have to be more wary of who they talk to. However, many experienced subs understand the red flags and that being egotistical and aggressive doesn't equal dominant.

I will close by saying to the submissives trying to find their dominant and their dynamic (poly/mono) not to lose hope. It is all about finding your fit, and I know it is difficult because sometimes those who feel right are separated by large distances. It is a waiting game sometimes, but demand respect from potential dominants. While they fill the sexual desire role, a good dominant wants to help and support you in all aspects of life. It is something built into our core.

[do****]

🔥🔥🔥

[Mo****]

5 hours ago, lovlee-lala said:

I am having the same issues but as a sub seeking a Dom. Most immediately try to skip steps in creating the dynamic of trust, connection, communication, growth of the relationship and its immediately about sexual interaction, and some are taking on the label of being dominant and not the role and meaning of being A Dom. All they know is “well I’m naturally dominant “ and “ I can give orders in bed” They haven’t taken the time to educate themselves on the responsibilities of the role, or how to create a safe environment for a sub

Totally agree ! Skipping the trust building steps, establishing safe and transparent connections is essential! Sex is a results not a goal

[Mo****]

5 hours ago, lewd_EnBy_behavior said:

Red flag when “a dom” or anyone says “no limits”

There's is always limits for both ! Not only for the sub

[Mo****]

1 hour ago, SmalltownEnigma said:

I'm going to touch on many subjects, from your topic to things I've read in the comments. I recently posted about collar etiquette, and with that post, it showed how much our community has fallen away from the honor and code of conduct that keeps us from looking like a bunch of abusive deviants.

There's nothing wrong with looking for a 24/7 dynamic as a Dominant the majority of the work isn't done in the room you are building your sub up. Being a sub isn't a lesser role; it's actually the role with the most power. They are choosing to allow you to take charge for their best interest. If you're not working in their interest, you are failing them and yourself.
Our lifestyle requires a lot of self-control, communication, honor, and respect. I run a group, so I'm not around nearly as much as I used to be, but I keep my messages open to conversation.

There has been a massive influx of both fake doms using it as a way to get women who are looking for the experience, as well as people joining who are earnest in their goals but are at the beginning of the journey. It makes it difficult for those with experience, as the submissive members have to be more wary of who they talk to. However, many experienced subs understand the red flags and that being egotistical and aggressive doesn't equal dominant.

I will close by saying to the submissives trying to find their dominant and their dynamic (poly/mono) not to lose hope. It is all about finding your fit, and I know it is difficult because sometimes those who feel right are separated by large distances. It is a waiting game sometimes, but demand respect from potential dominants. While they fill the sexual desire role, a good dominant wants to help and support you in all aspects of life. It is something built into our core.

A reality check ! Agree

[Mo****]

2 hours ago, RogueLynx said:

As a solo poly submissive for the past 10 years, I completely understand why you feel this way, but I look at it from a slightly different angle.For me, preserving my day-to-day autonomy is non-negotiable. Because of this, I deliberately keep the strict D/s dynamic confined to the bedroom. Outside of that space, my Dominants are my equals, my friends, and my anchor partners.You mentioned that younger subs might view D/s purely through the lens of sex. While that is definitely true for some, for others, keeping the dynamic bedroom-focused is a conscious lifestyle choice to protect their independence—not a lack of commitment to the concepts of trust and communication.It really comes down to compatibility. Some of us need that strict separation to function in our daily lives, while still offering deep, authentic vulnerability when the scene is active. It might just be a matter of finding a sub whose structural boundaries align with the specific depth you are looking for.

I do separate and understand the connections inside the bedroom or out the bedroom ! But the aim in both are not only to have sex ! It's exchange of power ! Exchange or quality time ! As well as we all know d/S connection are structured in levels , stages and different desires ! Thank you

[Mo****]

2 hours ago, sub03038 said:

I wish this topic could have been discussed more as an actual topic rather than taking over by another fake Dom.

I also am having the exact same experience in finding a real Dom who knows what the dynamic is all about. Unfortunately, the couple that I have met here are looking for the same type of dynamic that I am. Too many on both sides think it’s just about bossy Tinder hook ups.

That is the issue ! And no one taking over your right to say whatever you want ! In the way you want ! Good luck with your search

[Se****]

Yes I have with several Subs. Submission during anything Sexual, but not so much after that. More Bratty and much less connection!! Only one, who is 24 is actually able to “ click “ outside of the bedroom. Having simple fun, watching movies, teasing each other and simple gestures of a solid friendship!! I have released the others due to an emotional lack of connection!! Truly disappointing!

[Su****]

I feel exactly the same way about Doms. Newer often younger Doms just want to have rough sex and beat me. They don't want to explore the dynamics of a D/s. Its the reason I choose to be single and unowned. I don't seek just rough sex with some *** thrown in, although that's fun, I seek a deeper connection where although I am not 24/7 slave/sub (impossible for me due to commitments) the dynamic is there constantly. Its in the little things, I or my Dom do. Its not just a rough f*ck

[ey****]

23 hours ago, Motyaze said:

Have you ever, as a Dom, reached a point where none of the subs you meet seem capable of handling the dynamic, expectations, and level of engagement you seek?

Sometimes I wonder whether the issue is the quality of the subs I encounter, my own standards and approach, or whether genuinely committed subs are simply becoming rarer.

What I notice, especially among younger subs, is that many seem to understand D/s primarily through the lens of sex. For me, however, the dynamic is much broader than that. It encompasses trust, service, communication, structure, growth, and the overall relationship—not just sexual interactions.

Have others experienced this shift, or is it simply a matter of finding the right match?

I think whenever anyone says anything on generational differences that doesn't work for you; they're not the right generation for where you need to look

I feel it's totally valid to have your own wants in dynamics and engagement so to speak - but also a case of are they reasonable, and are they things that need to be worked on together over a longer period of time.

To require commitment from subs requires time, patience and a lot of trust - so while you'd be fair to have standards, it would be unreasonable to expect these to be met without them having built trust, relationship, rapport etc with you first. 

I don't feel it's an issue that subs don't wish to put in the work, I think they do. But the end goal still has to be one that interests them, and there has to be a clear journey.

[Sq****]

1 hour ago, SubBella666 said:

I feel exactly the same way about Doms. Newer often younger Doms just want to have rough sex and beat me. They don't want to explore the dynamics of a D/s. Its the reason I choose to be single and unowned. I don't seek just rough sex with some *** thrown in, although that's fun, I seek a deeper connection where although I am not 24/7 slave/sub (impossible for me due to commitments) the dynamic is there constantly. Its in the little things, I or my Dom do. Its not just a rough f*ck

I would agree, but take it a step further. They are not real doms, they’re just control freaks that get off on hurting women.

[Mo****]

1 hour ago, SubBella666 said:

I feel exactly the same way about Doms. Newer often younger Doms just want to have rough sex and beat me. They don't want to explore the dynamics of a D/s. Its the reason I choose to be single and unowned. I don't seek just rough sex with some *** thrown in, although that's fun, I seek a deeper connection where although I am not 24/7 slave/sub (impossible for me due to commitments) the dynamic is there constantly. Its in the little things, I or my Dom do. Its not just a rough f*ck

Don't get me wrong ! Rough sex is enjoyable within the persons needs and limits ! But also building this connection, the dynamic also enjoyable and needed based on the person needs ! Good luck with your search