Doms needs to release

[jinxed]

Another aspect to add which might contribute to this situation for at least some subs who limit their submission to the sexual realm is that many of us live in cultural circumstances in which women have been taught that being independent and strong is highly desirable and in which these attributes have continuously been proven to be extremely liberating for them. So while there might be a deep desire to submit to a man completely, there is an economical and societal reality which this urge needs to be fitted into. I'm not part of the generation referred to in the OP, but I struggle with this exact dilemma a lot.  

[Mo****]

3 minutes ago, jinxed said:

Another aspect to add which might contribute to this situation for at least some subs who limit their submission to the sexual realm is that many of us live in cultural circumstances in which women have been taught that being independent and strong is highly desirable and in which these attributes have continuously been proven to be extremely liberating for them. So while there might be a deep desire to submit to a man completely, there is an economical and societal reality which this urge needs to be fitted into. I'm not part of the generation referred to in the OP, but I struggle with this exact dilemma a lot.  

Very unique prospective ! And very true

[un****]

i’ve noticed it too that some younger and also newer subs (not all of the ones i’ve met but a good amount of them) seem to get their understanding of BDSM and more specifically D/s from 50 shades of grey and other fairly poor depictions of what the lifestyle is compared to how it actually plays out in real life like yeah the sex, the toys and everything else is fun and whatever but thats the 10% not the other 90% of shit all this smut and whatever else doesn’t show you

[Vex10121]

I 100% agree with this but from a subs standpoint. I have been searching for a Dom that is capable of providing structure, guidance, and partnership. I feel as though I’m constantly weeding out people who claim themselves to be a dom but what they really want is to have rough sex with a sub that lets them do whatever they want, but hold absolutely no dominant/ leadership qualities. There’s no buildup no talking no getting to know each other no push for growth. Its all just control freaks not actual doms that are pushing for your well being and growth. Granted I’m fairly new to this but I’ve always known what I’m into and what I want, it’s just hard to find a trustworthy dom I trust enough to let go. I’m so much more interested in the D/S dynamic outside the bedroom and I feel like so many people think it’s just a bedroom thing.

[Ca****]

I agree Vex10121

[Mo****]

16 minutes ago, Vex10121 said:

I 100% agree with this but from a subs standpoint. I have been searching for a Dom that is capable of providing structure, guidance, and partnership. I feel as though I’m constantly weeding out people who claim themselves to be a dom but what they really want is to have rough sex with a sub that lets them do whatever they want, but hold absolutely no dominant/ leadership qualities. There’s no buildup no talking no getting to know each other no push for growth. Its all just control freaks not actual doms that are pushing for your well being and growth. Granted I’m fairly new to this but I’ve always known what I’m into and what I want, it’s just hard to find a trustworthy dom I trust enough to let go. I’m so much more interested in the D/S dynamic outside the bedroom and I feel like so many people think it’s just a bedroom thing.

That very very true statement ! And that's from a sub prospective ! It's similar to me as a dom ! I find it hard to find a sub that can mentally , physically to be available for a structured training, don't get me wrong ' sex is great and needed but in this dynamic it's not number 1 priority

[li****]

5 hours ago, Vex10121 said:

I 100% agree with this but from a subs standpoint. I have been searching for a Dom that is capable of providing structure, guidance, and partnership. I feel as though I’m constantly weeding out people who claim themselves to be a dom but what they really want is to have rough sex with a sub that lets them do whatever they want, but hold absolutely no dominant/ leadership qualities. There’s no buildup no talking no getting to know each other no push for growth. Its all just control freaks not actual doms that are pushing for your well being and growth. Granted I’m fairly new to this but I’ve always known what I’m into and what I want, it’s just hard to find a trustworthy dom I trust enough to let go. I’m so much more interested in the D/S dynamic outside the bedroom and I feel like so many people think it’s just a bedroom thing.

Well said Vex. Couldn't have said it better myself

[ey****]

8 hours ago, undeaddom said:

i’ve noticed it too that some younger and also newer subs (not all of the ones i’ve met but a good amount of them) seem to get their understanding of BDSM and more specifically D/s from 50 shades of grey and other fairly poor depictions of what the lifestyle is compared to how it actually plays out in real life like yeah the sex, the toys and everything else is fun and whatever but thats the 10% not the other 90% of shit all this smut and whatever else doesn’t show you

50 Shades was so so long ago now, and it's general audiance wasn't young 'uns.   

But all this said.  Whilst there was a lot flawed about the books/films - a lot is mostly flawed if you assume there to be just one correct way to do kink and that everyone does it perfectly.   Mind, ironically... some of the flaws in 50SOG is that Christian Grey *expected* obedience and committment from Anastasia without time to actually build trust. There was a lot of *** and love bombing. He dismissed one of her suggestions as 'topping from the bottom' and coerced her into signing the 'contract'.   

If anything, perhaps a lot of newbie subs took this as a warning sign and so want to build trust and take time before rushing into submission. 

[un****]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

50 Shades was so so long ago now, and it's general audiance wasn't young 'uns.   

But all this said.  Whilst there was a lot flawed about the books/films - a lot is mostly flawed if you assume there to be just one correct way to do kink and that everyone does it perfectly.   Mind, ironically... some of the flaws in 50SOG is that Christian Grey *expected* obedience and committment from Anastasia without time to actually build trust. There was a lot of *** and love bombing. He dismissed one of her suggestions as 'topping from the bottom' and coerced her into signing the 'contract'.   

If anything, perhaps a lot of newbie subs took this as a warning sign and so want to build trust and take time before rushing into submission. 

50 shades was simply the example because its how my first sub got in to the lifestyle and you’d be surprised those movies released over a decade ago and i STILL hear about them but now it’s all the booktok books and the books are significantly worse than anything 50 shades ever did but going over everything wrong with how the current batch of smut handles D/s and BDSM in general would be an all day conversation because as per usual they aren’t great examples but making realistic depictions is “boring” and “not as sexy” or whatever either way i’m getting away from the point i’m attempting to demonstrate basically books are fun they’re also usually very poor representation for a “modern” introduction into D/s and i’ve met very few new subs who took away the whole i should be cautious part and instead went straight to i want to jump in the deep end i’ve never seen it end positively

[si****]

Thursday at 10:51 PM, Vex10121 said:

I 100% agree with this but from a subs standpoint. I have been searching for a Dom that is capable of providing structure, guidance, and partnership. I feel as though I’m constantly weeding out people who claim themselves to be a dom but what they really want is to have rough sex with a sub that lets them do whatever they want, but hold absolutely no dominant/ leadership qualities. There’s no buildup no talking no getting to know each other no push for growth. Its all just control freaks not actual doms that are pushing for your well being and growth. Granted I’m fairly new to this but I’ve always known what I’m into and what I want, it’s just hard to find a trustworthy dom I trust enough to let go. I’m so much more interested in the D/S dynamic outside the bedroom and I feel like so many people think it’s just a bedroom thing.

Totally agree!!

[To****]

Yeah, I’ve had those phases too…
From my side as a Dom, it’s usually not that subs are getting worse or anything like that. It’s more that expectations don’t always line up from the start. A lot of people come into kink through the sexual side first, so their understanding of D/s is pretty limited at the beginning

I’ve also noticed my own standards get clearer over time, so what I accept or engage with changes too. That can make it feel like there’s less compatibility around, but it’s not really about quantity

For me, if there’s no structure, communication or consistency outside of just sex, it doesn’t really work long term anyway. Chemistry alone doesn’t hold it

So I wouldn’t say subs are rarer. I’d say it just takes more time now to find proper alignment…

[xR****]

What you are talking about is power exchange outside the bedroom. I would imagine a lot of subs don't know about that, since they just assume bdsm is bedroom only. I didn't, either. It's a shame, too. A lot of supposed doms are the same. For me, as a new sub, the idea of TPE most, if not all of the time, sounds wonderful!