Coming to terms with humili@tion

[jinxed]

By now I have learned to accept a lot about my kinky preferences. Humili@tion however is still the elephant in the room. A part of me believes it to be wrong, for it to be a reenactment of past traumatic experiences. And yet.. Every fantasy I have has at least an inkling of *** in it. To please the last man I was interacting with, I tried to stop it and to be fair it felt warmer and more comforting to imagine a connection without ***. But when I fantasized about him (we never met), I would still find ways to squeeze it in in some less obvious way. I've really tried to not have this urge in me, but honestly, the alternative is that I'm never aroused and definitely don't orgasm, not with men nor on my own. 
So my question is: Isn't there a way to live out *** (and for me personally that includes masochism) while ensuring that it isn't retraumatising?

Edited July 12 by jinxed

[jinxed]

Given that this is a kink site, it seems very strange that this word is on the censored list.. 

[mr****]

I'm on the other side of this *** is my thing from the giving end, not receiving. And from that side I'll tell you: the partners I've enjoyed this with most weren't broken people reenacting damage. They were people who understood exactly what they wanted and had the self-awareness to negotiate it. You clearly have that self-awareness.

To your actual question yes, there's a way to live it out without it costing you. It's called doing it with someone who treats the aftercare as seriously as the scene. *** without genuine warmth underneath it is just cruelty. With it, it's play. The fact that you tried to shut this part of yourself off to please a man you never even met tells me the problem hasn't been the kink. It's been the partners.

[Deleted Member]

I think it’s more about having a dynamic partnership. Having the key fundamentals in the base structure. If those things are missing, people will get hurt or ***d without consent.
Why building trust, communication and consent in pushing boundaries is fundamental in any dynamic. Aftercare is absolute within play. The thing is, the body heals, but without clear boundaries, consent and communication aftercare. The sub M/F will only end up psychologically damaged. I believe Master/Sirs have a responsibility. So, if you see problems in the dynamic, find a Dom/ Sir that will support you through your journey and exploration. Rather than doing the game. It’s everyone’s responsibility to to correctly be trained. If not, get out.

[jinxed]

1 hour ago, mrvetnotthepet said:

To your actual question yes, there's a way to live it out without it costing you. It's called doing it with someone who treats the aftercare as seriously as the scene. *** without genuine warmth underneath it is just cruelty. With it, it's play. The fact that you tried to shut this part of yourself off to please a man you never even met tells me the problem hasn't been the kink. It's been the partners.

See, I can't yet bring those two together: sadism and warmth. And I don't believe this is down to the actual partners I've had. I twice was in dynamics with sadists who fulfilled my every (humili@tion) dream but at the same time they felt cold as ice to me. They most likely are not that. But my perception seems to be stuck in: If he humiliates me, he must be cruel and nothing else.

I don't want to blame any past partner for anything. It was me who didn't have boundaries and still doesn't know how to navigate my kinks. The aftercare situation, yes okay, that could have been done better for sure in both cases. And this is most likely what made those interactions feel retraumatising. But again, I could have asked for it. 

Thank you for your comment! It really makes me think. 

[mr****]

1 hour ago, jinxed said:

See, I can't yet bring those two together: sadism and warmth. And I don't believe this is down to the actual partners I've had. I twice was in dynamics with sadists who fulfilled my every (humili@tion) dream but at the same time they felt cold as ice to me. They most likely are not that. But my perception seems to be stuck in: If he humiliates me, he must be cruel and nothing else.

I don't want to blame any past partner for anything. It was me who didn't have boundaries and still doesn't know how to navigate my kinks. The aftercare situation, yes okay, that could have been done better for sure in both cases. And this is most likely what made those interactions feel retraumatising. But again, I could have asked for it. 

Thank you for your comment! It really makes me think. 

I understand those cold sadists better than I'd like to admit, because I used to be one. Earlier in my journey I only appreciated the sadistic side. The nurturing part felt like work to me, an act I performed rather than something I meant. It took maturity to understand the full depth of both sides and how they mingle and once I did, the play got better. Deeper. Because now I'm present in all of it, not just the part that feeds me.

So when I say your past partners might not have been cruel at heart, I say it from experience. They may just not have been there yet.

But that brings me back to my original point: it really does come down to finding someone mature enough to fit what you actually need. And one more thing if a purely sadistic dynamic fulfilled you completely and you weren't longing for anything else, there'd be nothing wrong with that either. The fact that you ARE longing for something more is the answer. You don't just want the ***. You want to be held inside i

[Deleted Member]

As much as I would love to have a partner where my sadism together with *** would have a free run, as someone with the power, I would rather say that trauma needs to be dealt with properly. Reliving it does not deal with it. Goes for any kind of trauma. Partners are not therapists and can't be expected to be, directly or indirectly. I'm saying this as someone with my own issues but also our of experience with partners having all sorts of ghosts.
I also could imagine that exactly because those partners were cold, it made the scene and emotions. Slippery slope when it goes hand in hand with unhandled psychological scars.
We all have our shit or would probably not be in this forum if we didn't, but my suggestion would be similar to above. Dealing with the psychological issues outside of the partnership and maybe finding someone who understands the problems and can navigate the stormy mental side. One things is sure, fucking the *** away ends at some point badly, in every case.

[ey****]

there are things that can be struggles.  the main thing when doing *** fantasies is to make sure you are actually into them

this is also where a lot of aftercare is really important to seperate the fantasy and the reality 

[Mu****]

Look, fighting what actually turns you on is just a recipe for misery, honestly. If you need that edge to feel anything, trying to *** yourself into some vanilla box is only going to make you feel broken when you aren't.

From my perspective, the whole point of playing with things like *** or masochism isn't about repeating past trauma to hurt you, it’s about rewriting the context. In real life, trauma is something ***d on you where you have no control. In a healthy BDSM dynamic, even when you're being humiliated or pushed, you're the one ultimately holding the remote control because of boundaries and safewords. It turns a bad memory into a controlled, safe release.

You don't need to cure your urges. You just need to find someone who actually understands the difference between playing a cruel character for your pleasure and actually being a terrible person. Slow down, set hard boundaries first, and find someone who knows how to hold the space properly without crossing into real-world harm.

Stop beating yourself up for how your brain is wired.

[Fu****]

Unfortunately, due to our ability to create some silver lining in our trauma, we always have an embarrassing guilty pleasure towards whatever that thing was.

[Fu****]

Yeah I struggle with it to from the other side. I can get behind "you've been a naughty girl and need to be punished", but "you are worthless trash" is just abusive.

[House_Voluntas]

I think it’s worth separating where a desire came from from what it has become.

Many of us carry traces of our past into our sexuality. That doesn’t automatically mean every fantasy is an attempt to relive trauma. Sometimes the mind takes something that once represented ***ness and, over time, transforms it into something chosen, negotiated, and safe.

The difference isn’t necessarily the act itself—it’s agency. Trauma happens without consent or control. Healthy BDSM is built upon both. You choose the person. You choose the limits. You can stop at any moment. That changes the emotional landscape completely.

That said, it’s also okay to remain curious rather than certain. If a scene consistently leaves you feeling grounded, connected, and cared for afterward, that’s very different from leaving you distressed, ashamed, or emotionally unravelled. Aftercare isn’t just physical—it can be a useful compass for understanding whether something is healing, neutral, or harmful.

You don’t have to *** yourself into vanilla because you *** your desires, nor do you have to embrace every fantasy unquestioningly. You can explore them slowly, with people who value your wellbeing as much as your submission. Sometimes the healthiest path isn’t denying what arouses you—it’s creating a context in which your nervous system learns that vulnerability and safety can coexist.

[To****]

I dont think it automatically means trauma. Could be, sure. But it doesnt have to be😉

From what Ive seen, context changes everything. Theres a big difference between someone degrading you because they dont respect you, and someone you trust taking you there because you both understand why and where the line is
As a Dom, I’d never chase *** for its own sake. It has to serve the dynamic, not replace it. If someone leaves a scene feeling worthless instead of cared for, then something probably went wrong

Id be more interested in how you feel afterwards than what happened during it. Thats usually where the answer is…

[jinxed]

3 hours ago, House_Voluntas said:

I think it’s worth separating where a desire came from from what it has become.

This sparked something. I've accepted that I want a Daddy figure based on past experiences. But as you say, not to relive the way it used to be, but to live it out in a positive way. Which was only possible through getting to know a person who made this concept possible for the first time. It also took accepting that what happened has created certain connections in my brain that would be so so hard if not impossible to rewire. 

Yet, when it comes to ***, I'm measuring in a different way what's acceptable and what not. And that might in fact be down to the men I was humiliated by or rather the way in which I was humiliated. Because warmth was not a part of it, that's for sure. 

My, you guys make me think! Thank all of you so much for responding!! 

[br****]

*** is just another form of power exchange. It can be hot, it can be ick. It's up to the people on the dynamic.

[Fu****]

Honestly, *** kinks can be really fun when done the right way

[ph****]

Hi sexy

[Deleted Member]

We don't get to choose all the things that are formative to our sexuality, and apparently, those of us with trauma are subconsciously predisposed to choose partners that will re-trigger us.

It's frowned upon to suggest that certain types of play have the***utic value, but describing it as "cathartic" has always been ok. Make of that what you will. I guess the best place to live it out would be within a committed romantic relationship.

[Deleted Member]

* romantic relationship

[jinxed]

On 7/13/2026 at 7:15 AM, ImaginaryCloud said:

As much as I would love to have a partner where my sadism together with *** would have a free run, as someone with the power, I would rather say that trauma needs to be dealt with properly. Reliving it does not deal with it. Goes for any kind of trauma. Partners are not therapists and can't be expected to be, directly or indirectly. I'm saying this as someone with my own issues but also our of experience with partners having all sorts of ghosts.

Of course I agree, a partner cannot be your therapist, they're not trained to do it nor is it likely workable to be a therapist within a dynamic. The work needs to be done by the person with the trauma. But by now I believe that the only way to relearn relationship patterns is by engaging in relationships. I used to think, I could just learn to be different and then find a partner and everything would be hunky dory. That didn't work. What worked was meeting the most gentle and caring soul I had ever met who I felt secure enough with to actually start to open up. 
After some reflection on all the thought-provoking comments in this thread, I have come to the conclusion that it would take finding an empathetic partner who I can establish a very deep connection with that allows for a new and more wholesome way of ***. Does that make him an indirect therapist? I'd say he would rather get to join the playground where an actual therapy could take effect. 

Edited July 14 by jinxed