Popular Post xR**** Posted August 4 Popular Post I ran into this topic on FetLife and it really hit somewhere. I think a lot of people fight with this, and it's worse because it p1sses other people off. So here goes. Do you apologize for everything? Even when it isn't your fault? Like, you are a burden or your actions are inconveniencing someone? Let me give an example: The other night, I was tired. My brain couldn't handle stimulation. It couldn't hold back my intrusive thoughts. I was driving to get food, the first thing I had eaten in almost 48 hours. I was going around a curve and an 18 wheeler was coming at me, in my lane. Did I turn? Stop? No. I took my hands off the wheel. I quit caring. I wanted it to stop. The truck swerved back into his lane and just missed me. I hit my brakes. I cried. I just cried. I managed to get my food and ***d myself to eat it. A friend asked me to hop on a game. I did. Sweetest person in the world. What did I do? I cried. Constantly. And apologized for crying. I repeated I am sorry over and over. I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop crying. It was my fault. I was bothering her. I was ruining this game. i was ruining our time together. She said otherwise. It didn't matter to me. I was being annoying. My last domme hates it when I said I am sorry. I got fussed at for saying it. For a little thing that I thought was an inconvenience to someone else. I had to apologize for existing..I should be grateful to even be alive, what right do I have to annoy someone else? So my question; how do you deal with this? And more importantly, as a partner of someone who is like this, whether a son or sub, how do you handle it? How did you help them accept being accepted? What do you do to turn that moment into their safe space?
VanityRay Posted August 4 Hey boo, whatever you’re dealing with, you’re going to get through it. In my opinion, you will get hurt more than helped by being on this app. If it were up to me, I would keep you off this app. I pray you heal! Tap into your life’s purpose🙏
Deleted Member Posted August 4 tbh im the same way, i still apologize excessively irl, like at work, but i realized that with people (especially online) it doesn’t matter. i dont care what people think of me, i mean clearly. i have some body mods and dyed hair. if i actually gave a fuck about how other people see me id probably end up bland and in psychosis again. you dont need to apologize excessively, a good person will tell you when somethings wrong. having said that, truck thing sounds concerning asf, go get checked out. and mb my thoughts are everywhere all the time so idk if this comment even makes sense.
Ba**** Posted August 4 If you think it’s too much of apologies maybe it’s not an apology at all at this point? Maybe it’s already a provocation to being granted with others acceptance (your words) I guess Lovely is right - your help is definitely not here. And moreover not in your partner. No one deserves being presented with this. Get some professional advice before it’s too late.
ca**** Posted August 4 (edited) you probably have some unresolved trauma along the lines, possibly as a child being disciplined harshly without the ability to state your case, and no course for forgiveness from your nearest and dearest.( just as an example, not a guess). how would i approach it, time to discuss there feelings when they feel comfortable, id clearly let my partner know that there feeling's matter and they are very real if even you dont believe they are valid. and id allow some care time after to ensure some theraputic rapport was established. dm's open if i can help. xx you matter and your feelings matter. xx Edited August 4 by castleamd
JulyM Posted August 4 Sadly this is common when most of your life has passed surrounded by people who, one way or another, makes you feel inadequate. It is hard to overcome but little by little, you can snap out of it. Start thinking, every time the urge arise, would this person apologise to me in a reverse situation? do I owe anything to this person? I know it's very cynical, but it's survival. It took me ages to 'rewire' myself this way, I used to be like you. Sometimes, the hardest part is not being accepted by the others, it is accepting ourselves, learn to feel we're no less than any else around us. Also, I feel like telling you, please, 48 hours without proper food is dangerous, darling, makes you feel very miserable, the brain has run out of fuel. Not underestimating the way you feel here, just saying the need to cry was made even worse by that. And finally, the truck thing, that's terrible my darling girl, if that's a recurring wish you have, PLEASE seek the support from someone with the right competence to advice you on this, not from people on here. We can share out views/experiences up to a certain point, but if you're seeking for proper support, you should look in the right place. Please, take care of yourself and NO, we are never a burden nor inconveniencing anyone that really loves and cares for us. But that love and care for you, it MUST start from yourself! <3
Sw**** Posted August 4 I tried messaging you.. I’m new to this app but I can’t figure out why I can’t lol nbd just wanted to share some personal insight with you that maybe might be helpful to you.. or atleast going it would be.
to**** Posted August 4 I personally am the exact opposite I apologize for very little I don't do anything wrong to grant people an apology and I also don't give a ratts ass about people's opinion I have a job my own apartment so what the hell am I going to worry or concern myself with people's opinions of me I'm most certainly not I've got better things to do!
fa**** Posted August 4 59 minutes ago, castleamd said: you probably have some unresolved trauma along the lines, possibly as a child being disciplined harshly without the ability to state your case, and no course for forgiveness from your nearest and dearest.( just as an example, not a guess). how would i approach it, time to discuss there feelings when they feel comfortable, id clearly let my partner know that there feeling's matter and they are very real if even you dont believe they are valid. and id allow some care time after to ensure some theraputic rapport was established. dm's open if i can help. xx you matter and your feelings matter. xx they are talking about playing a game with a friend not a partner. My point is you missed a key detail in her story. Based on what they shared, not being “heard, seen or in this case read” can be an isolated feeling isolating feeling.
ta**** Posted August 4 Please consider getting a little help. I wanted to talk about apologising, but sorry (😇), I can't get past not eating for 2-days and not caring about an oncoming 18-wheeler.
Ch**** Posted August 4 People who apologizes all the time are people who were emotionally ***d as a child. We think everything is our fault so we apologize for everything. I do it all the time, unfortunately.
Fi**** Posted August 4 It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism. Start telling people to f**k off instead of apologizing. It’s how I broke myself of it.
da**** Posted August 4 Even as a Dom I suffer from this. Still working on trying to break the habit and it's such a rough road to travel since it's essentially something that's been instilled since I was a child. It's getting easier little by little. Best that one can do is no matter what be supportive and always there even if it's silence.
vk**** Posted August 4 Not every cloud which darkens the dark brings rain. Look forward to your chosen path. You'll find those who will brighten the day. Dont need to apologize be bold... you got this! Skål.
Chops Posted August 4 Maybe try talking to a professional and get some help and I know other people have said it but not eating for days isn't good for the body or mind either remember your life is worth something
xR**** Posted August 4 Author 4 hours ago, Lovely-6208 said: Hey boo, whatever you’re dealing with, you’re going to get through it. In my opinion, you will get hurt more than helped by being on this app. If it were up to me, I would keep you off this app. I pray you heal! Tap into your life’s purpose🙏 Sweetie, I wasn't asking for help. I am good. Maybe I worded this wrong. It was, "when your partner starts apologizing like this, how do you make the area safe."
As**** Posted August 4 I understand where your coming from Rain, we all have our vulnerabilities and they don’t always choose the right time to affect us, as a partner it’s about recognizing the situation, pausing whatever you are doing and just be present and available for your partner to let them discuss or vent or sometimes just cry, when the emotion calms you find the time to let your partner know “hey I’m here for you and we all have moments of ***, if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever there is no shame” communication and empathy I suppose is my answer when you break it down.
xR**** Posted August 4 Author A couple decent answers, that's good. Everyone be hanging up on the wrong thing. The story was just to provide context, that I was justified in feeling so much to cry, not the point of the story at all. 🤣 It happened, it past, move on! . . I know there are people like me who seem to apologize for everything. You do something that you think is wrong, even if it isn't, and you apologize cause you think the person is going to be mad or upset.
As**** Posted August 4 Been that way most of my life, for me it comes from a place of insecurity that the other person will stop liking me or worst case not want to be around me anymore. I would not pretend to have an answer for this all I do is try to be the best version of myself I can and if that’s not enough for the other person well then it’s out of my control and usually isn’t a reflection of yourself but of the other person. Life is hard no question about that.
ph**** Posted August 4 Fellow apologizer for everything. 🙋🏼♀️ I believe my role in life is to be the supporter and apologize for everything to not be a burden. For the absolute longest time, I never gave or shared my problems with others because why should my “issues” be there’s to handle as well. As aware as I am, I know it’s trauma related, and things didn’t change until I was ready to get uncomfortable and speak with someone professionally. I did that starting 4 years ago, the best choice I made. I wasn’t rushed, I was given a neutral platform to be authentic, and then navigated to learn more tools to feel comfortable sharing with others. Having partners in life who not only understand you, but can give grace and guidance can be helpful.
ne**** Posted August 4 I hear how heavy this is for you. The constant apologizing, the feeling that you’re an inconvenience just for existing or having feelings — that’s a brutal loop to be stuck in. I’m going to be straight with you because sugarcoating doesn’t help: from the outside, the endless “I’m sorry” becomes exhausting for the people around you. It puts them in the position of having to keep reassuring you that you’re not a burden, which can start to feel like emotional labor. Your last Domme reacting badly to it makes sense in that light — a lot of Dominants get frustrated when the apology is for existing rather than for an actual action. That said, this isn’t just a manners issue. Taking your hands off the wheel because you “quit caring” is not a small thing. Neither is forcing yourself to eat after 48 hours or crying through a game with a friend while apologizing the whole time. Those are signs that something deeper is running the show — shame, depression, trauma residue, whatever the specific flavor is. You asked how partners handle it. The useful ones don’t just keep saying “it’s fine.” They interrupt the pattern: “Stop. You’re not a burden. Cry if you need to. I’m still here.” And they also set a boundary: “I’m not going to accept you treating yourself like trash in front of me.” The ones who help the person eventually accept being accepted are the ones who refuse to play along with the self-erasure. You’re not required to be grateful just for being alive. You’re allowed to take up space, have bad nights, and still be worthy of connection. But the habit of apologizing for breathing will keep pushing people away until you start treating it as the problem it is instead of just another thing to feel guilty about. If this is a regular state for you, talking to someone outside the dynamic (therapist who gets trauma/attachment/kink) is probably more useful than any amount of online advice. Take care of yourself.
Ho**** Posted August 4 Of course I apologize for everything, I'm an only child, burnt out pleasure to have in class that was raised Catholic. 😂
Deleted Member Posted August 4 I have a best friend that is like this. She constantly apologizes if she thinks she is hindering an activity or if she thinks she is somehow a burden for crying, asking me to make her food (which my love language is making people food), or even asking for a hug (this one hurts me the most because no one should feel like burden because they asked for a hug). I text her daily (even if she doesn’t respond back) and remind her that she is beautiful and not a burden to anyone and if anyone says she is then she needs to cut them out of her life because she doesn’t deserve that and doesn’t need that bullshit.
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