li**** Posted Tuesday at 04:24 PM The constant apologies are a trauma response. It is your way of fixing every mistake to keep the other half happy and not on a war path. At least this is the case in my life. Noticing the pattern is the 1st step to fix it.
Ta**** Posted Tuesday at 04:33 PM So ive done this before. I stopped apologizing there for a little bit but here lately started back up. However, i watched this video awhile back that helped me. In the video this chick said for work purposes dont apologies cause it makes people feel entitled to cause a fuss. Instead say thank you. Makes them feel welcomed for waiting or just being present. However i had turned it from being a thing for just work, into my daily life. But of course the apologies came back. So i found a middle ground where i can use both. For each thank you, and apologie, has even more meaning.
IR**** Posted Tuesday at 04:52 PM Oh, this is so resonant. Therapy is helping me, but I'm not where I want to be yet.
xR**** Posted Tuesday at 05:00 PM Author 2 hours ago, LatinoLover93 said: I have a best friend that is like this. She constantly apologizes if she thinks she is hindering an activity or if she thinks she is somehow a burden for crying, asking me to make her food (which my love language is making people food), or even asking for a hug (this one hurts me the most because no one should feel like burden because they asked for a hug). I text her daily (even if she doesn’t respond back) and remind her that she is beautiful and not a burden to anyone and if anyone says she is then she needs to cut them out of her life because she doesn’t deserve that and doesn’t need that bullshit. Aww! This is the thing. I feel her. I can't just hug someone, I even ask for a hug and then apologize with it. This has to be a trauma response. Even knowing about it, I can tell you that, in my example, if I feel out of sorts, I apologize and not doing so makes things worse in my head. What some people, who assume too much, seem to think is that we don't know it's frustrating for everyone else. We do. That just makes it worse in our head and we have to apologize for that. We genuinely feel like an inconvenience or a bother.
cl**** Posted Tuesday at 05:30 PM I would make sure you eat everyday, might not be your issue but it might help
Wi**** Posted Tuesday at 06:02 PM Save apologies for when you actually do something wrong. Constant apologies water the word down and when you really need to apologize it just sounds like the rest of them and constant apologies make you sound like you have no confidence or faith in yourself. As my dad told me, too many sorrys make you a sorry excuse. Own your actions and feel better about yourself. Be strong 🤙
xR**** Posted Tuesday at 07:34 PM Author 1 hour ago, WicksandRopes said: Save apologies for when you actually do something wrong. Constant apologies water the word down and when you really need to apologize it just sounds like the rest of them and constant apologies make you sound like you have no confidence or faith in yourself. As my dad told me, too many sorrys make you a sorry excuse. Own your actions and feel better about yourself. Be strong 🤙 That isn't how this works at all. It's a compulsion for feeling as though you are a chore or a burden, or constantly making a mistake or doing something wrong; probably because of a lack of faith in one's self, or lack of confidence. If we could stop it, we would. The compulsion is a driving factor and not doing so makes things worse in the head, almost like OCD (but not quite).
NB**** Posted Tuesday at 07:59 PM Ask yourself what you’re apologizing for, if you can’t name a specific reason then you don’t need to apologize, things like “existing” and “not being good enough” are not valid reasons to apologize and you need to rein*** that in your own thoughts.
Mi**** Posted Tuesday at 08:29 PM I myself have an 'im sorry' addiction. I acknowledge that. The problem is doing something about it. No one has really gotten upset with me, however I have constantly heard " there is nothing for you to be sorry about" and that is sweet and recurring....but then I feel l have to apologize for that! That's right, I feel that I have to apologize. We don't really have control over It. Sorry, we cant control anything about this. So getting fruhsterated, or angry doesn't help the situation one bit. It just makes it worse. And what good does it do to fix anything?
Deleted Member Posted Tuesday at 08:58 PM I too am an "I'm sorry" addict. Its been a struggle my whole life to want to keep the peace, be the person who made everything better and if I could just be sorry for everyone then things would be okay. I lost myself, I lost my voice, I lost any sense of purpose other then to jist try to fix everything I could for those around me. My answer, very intense therapy that has stripped me down to the first memory of a time I felt I had to fix something or apologize for something. Layer by layer we are ***ling back every ***ful memory, moment, and interaction that has left a "mark" that causes me to apologize now for something that isnt tied to me. I still apologize, I think I always will, but im mote mindful, more intentional, say why im apologizing and if I don't have a why that I csn think, I try to analyze the why behind the need to apologize. Sorry probably worded super confusing, but my experience was, I apologize because of trauma very early on in life. May not be the same for everyone but I personally think you have to find the root of why you reach for an apology first.
Th**** Posted Tuesday at 09:27 PM I’m a I’m sorry addict as well. I’ve been in similar situations where I just let life decide if I live or not. I hate hearing this being experienced by someone else. Idk if it helps, but what helped me was some soul searching and processing my childhood on how I ended up becoming someone that says sorry all the time, or feeling like I’m a nuisance to everyone. I spent 10 years with someone who’s best form of communication was being critical as fuck, demanding, inconsiderate, self centered, and spoke with contempt about everything. Pretty draining lol. Once I got out of that bad situation as well as processing my childhood on why I was the way I was, I could then see where the chain reaction would start for when I’d start spiraling or feeling like a waste of space. There’s multiple directions you can go from there on the best manner to break the cycle, but finding where that cycle starts really helped me. I also started pushing my boundaries and putting myself in situations (safe for the most part lol) that I normally wouldn’t try out, just to help me feel more steady in every day life. If I could handle someone’s opinion of me when I’m bent over in a BDSM club with 10 people watching, I found I was less likely to care about “inconveniencing” others. I still say sorry quite often, but it’s gotten better with it becoming more of a habit of something to say rather having the feeling of guilt or shame associated with it. It’s hasn’t completely gone away, but I can say today I really don’t give a fuck about other people’s opinions of me. You either like me or don’t 🤷♀️
du**** Posted Tuesday at 10:57 PM Fetlife more like fart life that website harbors and protects predators with it's weird policies
fe**** Posted Tuesday at 10:59 PM Im a product of an abusive parent, i have always apologized for everything, my fault or not. It is second nature to me. I went to therapy that has helped but not stopped it completely, but now I do question why im apologizing. My Dom has also started to spank me when i say sorry. If I feel that I absolutely must apologize for something I have to do so without using the word sorry.
Co**** Posted yesterday at 12:34 AM There isn’t some magical fix. You literally have to rewire your brain, which is really, really, really hard to do. Part of it is taking control of it. This is what you need to do next time you say sorry, think for a second and if it’s not something you need to be sorry for say “wait, I don’t need to be sorry, I take that back.” If it is some thing you need to be sorry for say “I apologize for ____.” You need to do it every time you say sorry. You’ll get there. You’ll never be a burden as long as you strive to be better. We all stumble and need help up, but only you can move forwards.
Mi**** Posted yesterday at 02:05 AM 3 hours ago, feral_pet said: Im a product of an abusive parent, i have always apologized for everything, my fault or not. It is second nature to me. I went to therapy that has helped but not stopped it completely, but now I do question why im apologizing. My Dom has also started to spank me when i say sorry. If I feel that I absolutely must apologize for something I have to do so without using the word sorry. For starters yes, apologizing even for things that are outside of your control you have to work on. Don't feel feel shame if something doesn't work, try again!
fe**** Posted yesterday at 02:21 AM 15 minutes ago, MissingPiece86 said: For starters yes, apologizing even for things that are outside of your control you have to work on. Don't feel feel shame if something doesn't work, try again! Im always self improving, no matter how small the progress it's still progress
ma**** Posted yesterday at 05:38 AM One thing I have noticed is when people apologize excessively or unnecessarily, it is often an indicator of insecurities. In your case I think you’re struggling with a life time of shrinking to make life easier. There’s some “house rules” that I hold with any sub and they are as follows: We don’t apologize for having needs, whether it’s for space, company, support, or adult needs. It is ok to let it be about me here. We don’t disqualify ourselves, better that we speak up and try and be told no, then tell ourselves no on someone’s behalf. I’m only “too much” to the wrong people. Someone that loves you will help you be independent, someone that loves themself will make you dependent on them
sy**** Posted yesterday at 11:02 AM For one, I have found the people on fetlife very sensitive and two I think apologizes are a gut call if you are genuinely sorry then say it but being ***d to say it or over saying losses meaning. For the whole dom & sub with apologizing that's something you need to have a conversation with or suss out with every new situation.
Ba**** Posted yesterday at 03:55 PM I do, but I've been working on not doing it for everything. Yay for trauma.
Mr**** Posted yesterday at 10:42 PM What you're using a an example it quite appropriate to apologize for. No need feeling you've spoken out of line. Now... my late wife was a Canadian citizen. There, "sourry" (Canadian accent) is like saying "huh" here. They apologize you you when you offend them, step on their toe or spill their drink. 😆😂🤣
Fe**** Posted 13 hours ago I apologize because it's become part of my vocabulary. Growing up more southern than I am now, I was taught that apologizing was for weak men. But here in the Midwest it might as well be "hello".
Zh**** Posted 13 hours ago You gave an extreme example where the situation justifies your emotions although you were aware enough to sense that your friend probably doesn't know what you went through and is an innocent bystander and possibly being affected by your emotions and they were kind enough to not focus on how your emotions were affecting them and told you it's ok. Overuse of the word 'sorry' where it's used inappropriately I think is a product of low self-esteem and sometimes programming of women to be sub-serviant to men. If your domme didn't like it I'm guessing he wanted you to be more confident and possibly only apologize when he saw fit and not so automatically simultaneously caring about who you are and wanting to feel in control of your shared experiences. It might appear you're apologizing for your own self-indulgence rather than as a response that you did something that bothered him. ie. "Why are you apologizing? Did I tell you to apologize"?
po**** Posted 2 hours ago Sounds to me like you need some mental health. The fact that you didn't try to avoid the truck and left it up to chance. Not good. You need some real friends in your life to talk to. If you don't have any seek some help .I'm totally guessing here, but I would say you are suffering from depression. Get some help. It will change your world for the best. 🙂
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