Going back

[jinxed]

Roughly six years ago, I met my first Dom. The sexual chemistry between us was exceptional from the very beginning and together we discovered the world of BDSM in all it's colours. However, as I went through a lot of changes in my life at the time and as we both had/have our issues, there were many frictions and misunderstandings, turning it into a wild and exhausting on-off-situationship and at least for me a serious addiction to the incredible highs we experienced together. Three years ago it ended and I've since learned a lot about setting boundaries (with him I simply had none), using my safeword and basing a dynamic on a caring and loving foundation instead of pure lust. Throughout the three years apart, we kept having these short phases of getting back in touch online, which led to a frenzy each and every time, just to end in another misunderstanding. 

So when he messaged some weeks ago, I thought it would be the same. He always wanted a loving relationship with me, I knew this all along, but I wasn't able to trust or truly engage which in turn made him keep his distance and turn cold.  But apparently, I actually have changed. This time, I told him that I am looking for a deep connection that allows for kink. And suddenly he opened up. And what came out is beautiful and caring and loving. So now I am considering meeting him again. 
My question is: Have you ever gone back to a formerly toxic dynamic and it was actually different? Is that really possible? Or are the old structures and behaviours so deeply ingrained that it's not possible? Of course, I'm aware that this depends highly on whether both partners have worked on themselves. But even then, can dynamics really change? What do you think?

[fa****]

Oh .. great question, and in theory it might work - as you pointed out with the necessity of both having done the work and both did really change BUT .. here comes the big BUT. In my experience it has never worked in the real world, not in mine personaly nor in other peoples relationships I observed and talked about.

I am still waiting to hear about that story that did work out - so if you decide to try it please update me/us! I would be curious on the details why you think it worked rather then not (=

One more thing I want to say, what makes it more difficult: even if you both changed, you still have your shared past experiences, which naturaly left some emotional traces maybe even trauma, that e.g. led to broken trust, some believes that each of you shaped to protect themself and move on, which al can make it very very difficult to allow this "freely getting to know each other" what you have in a new relationship, metaphoricaly speaking where you got an empty book with empty pages...

My question to you:
How do you feel when you think about getting back together, when you imagine it?

[ey****]

I've never gone back to someone after a dynamic ended

but

I know many who have and a lot is contextual

Why didn't it work last time? (which I don't need you to answer, just something to ask yourself) Why will it be different this time? (same applies)

The answer could be of course they you have changed, they have changed, you both have changed 

But also a why now...?

[Cr****]

For my experience, this will not end well. Nice story tho

[DomSteedaX]

It has always been my feeling that an ex is an ex for a reason. Sure situations may have changed and thoughts, but the core personality has not and never will. I feel you have an 80% chance (if not more). of this failing again and being a more ***ful experience than 3 years ago.

[ar****]

Seen from my experience one might change small behaviors, but core elements of ones charakter are only changeable if something traumatic happens..and maybe not even then.
Of course you could risk a look and see if or if not, but if you do, caution is recommended

[fa****]

1 minute ago, artistic said:

Seen from my experience one might change small behaviors, but core elements of ones charakter are only changeable if something traumatic happens..and maybe not even then.
Of course you could risk a look and see if or if not, but if you do, caution is recommended

Oh .. yeah, but also that caution in itself is a very negative influence on the dynamic itself ...

[af****]

Don't do that, move on

[de****]

That incredible chemistry played its role. Some soulmates are made to change you, not to stay. Go back if you need more information, but you already know the answer my darling.

[puppymeows]

This partnership was there to teach you, and if you rejoin you may have to be taught something again. That variety of learning is not pleasant, to say the least, but sometimes it is necessary. So that’s up to you.

But once an abusive relationship, always an abusive relationship. Have enough believe in yourself that you’ll find someone with just as much delicious chemistry that HASN’T done all of that to you. Imagine how beautiful that would be, the same beauty without the same ***. 🙏🏼

Stay well. Make the decision you need to make, and know that many people who don’t even know you are here and care about your wellbeing.

[jinxed]

3 hours ago, fallen_angel1 said:

 even if you both changed, you still have your shared past experiences, which naturaly left some emotional traces maybe even trauma, that e.g. led to broken trust, some believes that each of you shaped to protect themself and move on, 

This is exactly what makes me worry. And yes, trust was broken on the way, it was an intense time. What makes me think that it might be possible for it to be different this time is that we'd reconnect at a rather stable point in my life instead of a time in which I had just left my former marriage and in which my life was upside down. 

To answer your question: Thinking about being back with him makes me aroused in a way I can't describe and very apprehensive about losing myself again in the dynamic at the same time. Not a good combination. 

But! It could be a perfect way to practice my new skills. I've told him that I've changed and he says he loves to hear that. So if I could stick to my boundaries and stop focusing only on sex with this man who has cast the most insane spell over me, then that could move me a lot closer to a healthy sex life than if I found a man who makes this easy for me. Where would be the challenge in that? Self-deceiving is clearly a great skill of mine.. 

[jinxed]

1 hour ago, deepexhale said:

That incredible chemistry played its role. Some soulmates are made to change you, not to stay. Go back if you need more information, but you already know the answer my darling.

I hear you all! But... the lust wants what it wants it seems. I guess 'more information' is needed. 

[PresentisPeculiar]

Not lifestyle related but yes, a horrible break up led to a 25+year marriage. It is possible. But you'll know early on

[Lo****]

It’s always different until you recognize old patterns 🤷🏼‍♀️ people don’t “change”, they evolve and find different strategies for dealing with life as they get older and earn more experience. He’s the same, his personality is the same and you and yours are too, although you too keep on evolving every day.
Maybe your lust finds this frustrating , but if it wasn’t a match, it still isn’t when it comes to emotional things😌
Sometimes people come back to our lifes over and over again because they didn’t find or couldn’t keep another person, but they know, they can always have you.
Basic narcissistic behavior 🥴
You’ll find your match, watch your lust😉
Good luck however you decide 🫶🏻