The problem isn't you (female submission)

[Se****]

I have run across this several times with people on here. They were curious to learn about their submissive side and failed to find it with a few "Doms" they met.

One thought she was a brat. For another that it was her failure to enjoy taking direction.
In their cases, and in others, I could see the "aha" moments when helping them discover it wasn't them that was the problem. They very much were submissive and wanted to revel in it. The problem is the men weren't actually dominant.

I won't use the capital D. Using it is for someone else's benefit who needs trappings. Someone truly dominant doesn't need it, just as he/she doesn't need to shout or order. If you have that power, a suggestion becomes the most powerful of commands. Disappointment in their behavior or performance the worst punishment. (A spank, a crop, a whip, are rewards. They are for making good girls naughty.)

[Perhaps another time, is some want it, I'll write about the nature of that power, where it comes from, what it feels like.]

This has been true also with women who thought they were vanilla (and still can't accept they are submissives even though they now fit the role so perfectly), to the point the quiet they find sounds just like the peace of subspace, and their best joy comes from giving pleasure.

The priblem isn't with the subs. It is that they are not with truly dominant men.

What has your experience been?

[Se****]

I’m so glad you wrote this. For people who don’t live or understand this type of lifestyle tend to be very fantasy driven. No knowledge or direction, a lot of men think that they’re dominant. Women think they can be a mistress, but don’t know how to care for their sub. So far I have not found an actual Dominant man. They are a rare breed especially if it’s natural 🫠

[ph****]

My experience, has not always been pleasant. Dominance to a couple I’ve spoken to was pure manipulation now that I look back after truly working on myself. It was instilling a *** not of punishment, but outing who I was and using trauma I shared against me. It was a constant statement of “I’m the Dom, I can make your life hell.” And there wasn’t any real discussion of roles, expectations etc. To a point I take responsibility, because I’m an adult and should have recognized the signs and educated myself more.
Now, I have stronger boundaries not only when it comes to myself as a submissive but in many aspects of my life. But that took a lot of inner work, along with the assistance of a professional.

[tr****]

Confirmed! There are a lot of the younger doms who equate being an a**hole with being dominant. I’m a sub. I’m happy being a sub. I’ve been in and out of the community for 30 years before and after I transitioned (ftm), I’ve had a variety of doms. Decent ones and poor ones. Now my therapist (of all people) is a capital D dominant and I respond to him naturally (and he is in the community)! I do still brat at him occasionally though!

[Cade]

Respectfully disagree.

In my experience, I more feel dominance and submission as roles are more on a spectrum, in the most simple sense: from figurative to literal (as far as participation level). Just because one submissive doesn't feel attuned to another's style of dominance, doesn't mean they aren't a dominant - just not the complimentary type. There are many forms of d/s dynamics, and in all logic, many different forms of domination and subservience, none cancel the other out. Just different.

Also, just wanted to make sure it's clear that dom/sub as roles aren't gender specific. That is to say, any gender can be dominant or submissive. 

Edited August 16 by Cade

[DY****]

I agree with you. I was so excited to indulge in exploring my submissive side after ending a very long vanilla marriage. I’ve met a number of dominant women but, unfortunately, I am mostly attracted to men and I just don’t believe they are capable to real dominance.

[SI****]

My Daddy and I were just talking about this. My previous relationship was supposed to be dominant/submissive but instead he was just on an ego trip, it was constantly about him and I got nothing out of it, except for occasional sex that I couldn't enjoy. My current situation is absolutely the most amazing Daddy/Babygirl Dynamic ever! In fact its my first ever healthy relationship. Its out there you just unfortunately need to weed out the bad in order to find the good.

[ph****]

I have had conversations recently about my experiences at the beginning. Those “dynamics” were very much ego driven, with manipulation and scare tactics being used. Even after being honest about trauma and boundaries being discussed. Come to think of it, there was no true expectations or dynamic roles being discussed, just demanded and expected. I was new to everything, and take some responsibility on my part. I should have been stronger with my stance and boundaries, and done my research. Since then, I’ve worked on myself with help from a professional. I’ve become stronger with boundaries and have become more confident in standing against behavior I don’t agree with or see as harmful.

[TimberTara]

The real problem is most of the people on here are scammers

[bo****]

You guys are actually getting a responses on this app? I sent out probably over a hundred messages over the last 3 months and I've gotten two responses and they were lazy as f**k

[Wr****]

My problem is people trying to fit what I am looking for when that is not who they are. I see them trying to find any connection when I only want the right connections. Trying to fit what someone wants instead of being yourself rarely ends well.

[Da****]

I agree with this whole heartedly. Many men call themselves dominant but they do not convince me. When I do find a rare man that possesses these qualities my mind stops and I can be in the moment. I don’t think it’s me that has the issue, and I’ve resigned myself to possibly never finding anyone with that energy. Only when my mind relaxes and I feel protected and seen and that’s when I can show you who I really am. Dominant energy is very freeing but not many men have that.

[Le****]

Sometimes the problem -is- the sub. Moreso their expectation. Some expect the shouting, and pomp or something other than what they are receiving. If they can't voice that desire, then they will never receive it. Communication is key for all things. Some want it all the time, some want it only in the bedroom. Sometimes people are simply tourists looking to visit. Knowing what you are looking for and being honest (with yourself) will make sure you get a fulfilling experience.

[ch****]

The issue is not just men. I am a true submissive Male. My Miss passed away, I was her Sub for several years and I just now started looking for a new Miss. A lot think they are a Miss but they are not. It takes a strong lady to be a good Miss with great communication daily with her Sub. I am not a weekend sub nor do I want a weekend Miss. Some, to be fair are still learning.

[Tw****]

One thing I have noticed over the years is that most guys are vanilla, get a idea that they are dominant but in reality they don't have the mindset to know how to be one.They see a video, or they want to play rough with a woman and they fail miserably.They lack the mindset to realize that a woman's submission is earned by trust and its deeper than just rough sex.

[Se****]

3 hours ago, phoenix-26 said:

My experience, has not always been pleasant. Dominance to a couple I’ve spoken to was pure manipulation now that I look back after truly working on myself. It was instilling a *** not of punishment, but outing who I was and using trauma I shared against me. It was a constant statement of “I’m the Dom, I can make your life hell.” And there wasn’t any real discussion of roles, expectations etc. To a point I take responsibility, because I’m an adult and should have recognized the signs and educated myself more.
Now, I have stronger boundaries not only when it comes to myself as a submissive but in many aspects of my life. But that took a lot of inner work, along with the assistance of a professional.

So sorry for your experience.
A dominant male must provide safety and trust. Only then can you lose yourself into him and give him control.

It might be that within that there is shm, but if he is truly masculine, he is providing what you want and need, NOT convincing himself and you that you need what he wants to inflict.

Find someone smart. Someone not smart, or without a kind bone, can't safely be a sadist.

[Un****]

As a submissive, I have learned that the key to any successful dynamic, be it vanilla or D/s, M/s, etc., is communication. Establishing expectations upfront, vetting the person you plan to hand your submission to, and talking, talking, talking. Granted, there's still the chance the person you eventually choose doesn't work out (or ends up not living ip to their own hype, which I have learned the hard way), but that doesn't mean ALL Doms/Dommes are bad, nor does it mean ALL submissives don't know what they want. It usually boils down to lack of openly and honestly communicating what each party wants and expects from the partnership.

[Un****]

3 hours ago, TimberTara said:

The real problem is most of the people on here are scammers

This isn't even relevant to OPs post, so why come here and do this? When I see random comments like this in the forums, I can't help but roll my eyes.

If you're dissatisfied with the app and/or the people you've encountered, delete your profile and the app. Move along and find a true connection organically at the grocery store, bar, library, etc. Anywhere else you feel you can meet and connect with "genuine" people. Easy fix. Happy hunting! 😉

[Ja****]

I have found myself having this conversation more times than I can count.

Ive always viewed looking out for the submissives in my social circles, and groups as part of what it means to be a Dom. Especially the newer ones. Time and time again I find my self reassuring them.

There isn't something wrong with your submission.

That man
Isn't
A
Dom

He is
Abusive
A ******
Irresponsible (safety wise)
Uneducated

I hear responses like

What is vetting? How do I do that? I didn't feel like I was allowed to say no....

Since 50 shades of Grey, the community has seen a huge influx of men in particular who view the community as their personal fiefdom to lord over women.

Power always flows from the sub, to the dom.

It is earned. It is gifted. It is not, taken.

[Go****]

While I don’t disagree that there are definitely men who claim to be Doma that aren’t really. It’s a pretty reductionist thing to say that “it’s not the sub, it’s the guy not being truly dominant ” no offence intended, but that comes off kind of as a “look at those weak bros who aren’t real Doms cause look at me” kind of way. Or could at least be read that way…

Kinda a cliche in the kino space to be honest.

Of course you’re right in some cases.

But there’s a whole universe of other variables here and chalking it up to “he’s not a real Dom” is kinda a weak statement.

There’s all kinds of reasons people don’t find compatible matches, in the case you’re describing what sounds like girls (or subs) who’ve tried a couple
People…

That’s not a “Real Dom” thing, that’s a sample size problem - you need a wider audioence and more swings at it than just a couple people.

This is already true in vanilla relationships, it’s going to be even more true in a kink relationship.

There are plenty of “Real Doms” who are not compatible with “Real Subs” merely because they aren’t erotically compatible, intellectually compatible, emotionally compatible, or compatible across other dimension’s.

Being a Dominant Man isn’t a magic bullet that just makes every girls panties wet either. We’d love to think so but that’s a bit of an ego trip. There are plenty of lovely submissive women out there who want nothing to do with most men despite being naturally and truly dominant or even amazing potential partners - because they’re looking g for THEIR one, not just any one.

There’s just so much more to it.

Sure maybe the problem is they’re not with a truly dominant man… that happens. But chances are that’s NOT the variable or combination of man variables. Chances are higher than anything that they just haven’t met someone whose a good fit; and also quite possibly that they haven’t figured out who they really are or what they really want and need as is often the case with newcomers to kink.

No disrespect intended friend;
I’ve just seen this type of post over the years so many times and it feels like just scraping the surface of conversation I feel like is a lot deeper and wider than the conclusion that’s often drawn.

Thanks for sparing an important conversation of course 🤜🏼🤛🏼

[ey****]

10 hours ago, SeekingIntelligence said:

The problem is the men weren't actually dominant.

To echo a few others

The main issue isn't that they weren't Dominant, they were just the wrong Dominant for that submissive (which, also isn't her fault) and there's a lot of different permutations on that everything from style of Dominance, each person desired/preferred structure and experience levels

Like even those who aren't Dominant but have Dominant fantasies would be wrong for a lot of people, but not ALL people

This doesn't of course mean there aren't guys who absolutely should not be attempting activities deemed Dominant - sure - nor that there are not assorted flaws or unsuitability.  But that the issue is more likely to be a mismatch

Cos otherwise....

4 hours ago, GodMadeMeKinky said:

no offence intended, but that comes off kind of as a “look at those weak bros who aren’t real Doms cause look at me” kind of way. Or could at least be read that way…

yep

this is exactly as it reads.

A lot of 'pick me' energy.  

[Ro****]

I really like this perspective, though I think it’s less about 'fake Doms' and more about a lack of complementary compatibility.
Both dominance and submission exist on a wide spectrum.
Finding that perfect lock-and-key fit is relatively rare, and it usually takes a lot of active searching to find the specific dynamic that works for both people.

[ha****]

Unfortunately there are "fake Doms," but that is not the issue. When in Dom mode I will not meet a submissive woman for over a month. I need to understand what she has experienced, what she liked and/or didn't like, what she's looking for now, and that she is mentally stable. I also will not meet her for the first time until one of her friends texts me and says she has my contact info and knows that we will be together.
When in sub mode I make sure the above is true as well.
You just can't say, you can do anything you want to me and hook up at the earliest possible moment.
Trust takes time to build, and it should start WAY before you're naked and bound!

[Ho****]

Finding the right Dom, is hard. Especially one who is experienced, knows what they are doing AND aligns with each others needs.

There ARE MANY fake Doms out there. Some who are great, but not the right fit or are amazing but too far away to work well.

[ha****]

Try being a switch. It's even more difficult. Some see you as not a real sub. Some see you as not a real man. And some say, you're gonna try to top from the bottom.
I get it. The search is exhausting, but keep the faith. I met my late wife on a fetish site.