Appropriate ways to begin conversations with a D type

[Cu****]

On the back of what we dont appreciate,  perhaps some D type people would like to educate newbies and others on 

 

a) good conversation openers

b) maintaining conversations

c) what to raise in the first conversation

d) how to ask and when to ask about preferences

e) follow up conversations 

[Newstart2020]

Looking forward to being educated

[Deleted Member]

The problem I have with dominant types is they don't really take into account the other persons attempt at conversation.Not even noting what they've said or written.Usually condescending,often patronising .They always want to stay on top of everything.It's very tiring! Cripes! I've just descibed a lot of marriages :(

[TheBookCollector]

How would you open a conversation with someone you met at a social gathering?

Introduce yourself (first name only), ask about thier day, hobbies, things you liked on thier profile or in posts they have made.

Speaking personally anyone calling me by a title (Sir/Master) is a distinct orange flag and i will be cautious in my response.

[Du****]

Good manners above all - regardless of D/s, regardless of medium eg messaging, social media, even face-to-face. @talbo wants attempts to be taken into account: I can assure Talbo that some messages do not deserve my attention and this has nothing to do with any dominant inclination I may have. A “hey”, a one-word message, any filthy or inappropriate remark, I’ll either delete them immediately or give them very short shrift indeed. As @TheBookCollector says, use of any title without prior agreement is off-putting, and personally I’m not a fan of the uppercase/lowercase pronoun thing, it’s too contrived for me. Again, I agree about reading their profile - include some observation in your message that proves you’ve read it and why it attracted you in the first place. If there’s nothing in particular and you’re just firing out DMs hoping to get a bite, stop. It’s a waste of time for all involved (men really do seem to think this is a good idea! It’s baffling). Did I mention good manners? Excellent! They’re important ☺️

[Deleted Member]

Okay, lets begin at the beginning.
You have browsed their profile, like what you see, so now what? It is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE for you to send a message saying hello. At this stage there is no protocol to follow, so what have you got to lose? If they don't respond in a day or so, then shrug and move on. Yes, like you, D types have busy lives and may not respond immediately, but allowing for manners and common courtesy only goes so far.
They respond, and the dance begins. If you use an honorific title (Sir or whatever) that is up to you. If they expect it immediately, and want to be called something like SirDomlyMasterfull at the very beginning then red flags. At this stage you are NOT theirs, and owe them NOTHING.
Please remember that D types are not psychic, so if its not on your profile then they won't know. A clever D type will, during the course of casual conversation, find out things about you. If it is something you are particularly interested in then tell them! It could be a deal breaker for BOTH of you, and you save time.
You CAN ask them questions. Ask about their style, their expectations, experience, anything you like at this point. If they balk, or avoid answering, red flags. Be brave, as all this may lead to a situation you put yourself in their hands. Don't be intimidated, don't immediately give in to demands, only do what you are comfortable with.
If all goes well, and you still like the prospect of getting to know the D type, then what next?
Talk. Converse. Ask questions. Keep it simple and relevant. You may be desperate to tell them about your sick puppy, or the fact you have rabies and a *** of flying, but try to stay focused on who they are, who you are, and what you are wanting from the possible connection. The personal insights and depth will follow naturally if it is meant to be (depending on the dynamic you enter into) so easy does it.
Above all else be honest. Tell them what you would like, how you are prepared to serve (once again, dynamic) and listen closely to their answers. If at any point you feel something is missing/confusing/worrying then stop...and ask again. They owe you answers as much as demanding info from you.
D types are people too (well, most of them) so at the beginning just act as though you are chatting in a bar/at work and keep it casual. If you take it to the next step (after a recommended vanilla coffee meet) then it can get more intense. Enjoy the process x

[Deleted Member]

As long as a sub with a D type is in conversation without a D/s or M/s relationship, then there is a normal conversation, just like with a colleague, uncle, aunt, nephew, niece or whoever also. Good that the topic is being addressed.

[Du****]

7 minutes ago, TheScribe said:

Okay, lets begin at the beginning.
You have browsed their profile, like what you see, so now what? It is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE for you to send a message saying hello. At this stage there is no protocol to follow, so what have you got to lose? If they don't respond in a day or so, then shrug and move on. Yes, like you, D types have busy lives and may not respond immediately, but allowing for manners and common courtesy only goes so far.
They respond, and the dance begins. If you use an honorific title (Sir or whatever) that is up to you. If they expect it immediately, and want to be called something like SirDomlyMasterfull at the very beginning then red flags. At this stage you are NOT theirs, and owe them NOTHING.
Please remember that D types are not psychic, so if its not on your profile then they won't know. A clever D type will, during the course of casual conversation, find out things about you. If it is something you are particularly interested in then tell them! It could be a deal breaker for BOTH of you, and you save time.
You CAN ask them questions. Ask about their style, their expectations, experience, anything you like at this point. If they balk, or avoid answering, red flags. Be brave, as all this may lead to a situation you put yourself in their hands. Don't be intimidated, don't immediately give in to demands, only do what you are comfortable with.
If all goes well, and you still like the prospect of getting to know the D type, then what next?
Talk. Converse. Ask questions. Keep it simple and relevant. You may be desperate to tell them about your sick puppy, or the fact you have rabies and a *** of flying, but try to stay focused on who they are, who you are, and what you are wanting from the possible connection. The personal insights and depth will follow naturally if it is meant to be (depending on the dynamic you enter into) so easy does it.
Above all else be honest. Tell them what you would like, how you are prepared to serve (once again, dynamic) and listen closely to their answers. If at any point you feel something is missing/confusing/worrying then stop...and ask again. They owe you answers as much as demanding info from you.
D types are people too (well, most of them) so at the beginning just act as though you are chatting in a bar/at work and keep it casual. If you take it to the next step (after a recommended vanilla coffee meet) then it can get more intense. Enjoy the process x

I wish! The assumption that I’m going to want them performing the lurid acts they describe IN THEIR FIRST MESSAGE is as wrong as if I assume that ALL submissives will be desperate to serve me. Human relationships are more complex than that. I’d love to engage with someone in the manner you describe.

[Mz****]

I try to leave a status update that gives an in for a conversation starter if my profile doesn't inspire one..for example at the moment I've a Pratchett quote up, giving scope for either their favourite quote, or book, or asking why that's mine, what else I read and so on, which works on a non sexual level and is my preference for a conversation starter, I dislike overtly sexual approaches, I deliberately removed my kinks from my profile to stop the constant stream of ..you like x, I like x we should fuck messages which in my case are totally inappropriate. 

Stay polite, and when I answer don't rant about how the place is full of ignorant people and how you never usually get a reply and bang on and on about fakes, or what the last person you spoke to did or said to upset you..do that and the conversation ends. I am not that person, don't take it out on me.

The use of honorifics..I am not your Mistress, don't address me as if I am, as a rule of thumb approach someone using their screen name unless they tell you differently on their profile, rather than Mistress, or Master for example. 

I don't want to see your bucket list of kink in an opening message either, I want to know that it's who I am that interests you, not what you think I can attend to for you.

Maintaining a conversation alas I can't help with, but I can say leaving messages read but unanswered for days or weeks at a time when you've clearly been online won't keep most interested..nor will firing off tons of questions and never answering any yourself. Listen to what the other person is saying, don't ignore that and focus on only one thing.

Don't send pictures until invited either, again, makes me feel like a sex object not a Domme.

 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

I wish! The assumption that I’m going to want them performing the lurid acts they describe IN THEIR FIRST MESSAGE is as wrong as if I assume that ALL submissives will be desperate to serve me. Human relationships are more complex than that. I’d love to engage with someone in the manner you describe.

It is a sad fact that manners and decorum are sadly lacking at the moment. Over-inflated D types and greedy s types are the new norm ~growls~ but thankfully there are sites like this that focus on education as much as getting your kink on.

[ol****]

This is a good question. Pleased to see it asked.

Some good answers so far I would say:

Let's address the reason for the conversation to begin with;

If the conversation is an opener to  a possible meeting then I would say be honest. "I've read your profile and was hoping we could talk with a view to perhaps meeting."

If it's just to ask a question then simply write and ask, be polite, give some context "I read what you wrote on Fetish.com about (insert subject) what did you mean by...?"

Above all ask the question you want to ask, be it potential date, help, advice whatever.

[Mz****]

48 minutes ago, talbo said:

The problem I have with dominant types is they don't really take into account the other persons attempt at conversation.Not even noting what they've said or written.Usually condescending,often patronising .They always want to stay on top of everything.It's very tiring! Cripes! I've just descibed a lot of marriages

It's unfortunate that's been your experience, condescending, patronising or rude are of course subjective, and it's entirely possible you've spoken to those with a *** fetish, or just people at the end of their tether deliberately shutting you down..or the actual rude for no reason types.

All I can say is please don't tar us all with the same brush..every s type is a unique person, same applies to D's.

[Mz****]

@TheScribeI haven't quoted you because I agree with most of what you wrote..but..I do differ on the parts where you say..don't discuss your sick puppy or a *** of flying, for me, and I can only speak to my preferences and opinions, I like that human engagement, I want to know what's going on in their life, in your examples both of those things could impact time we'd spend together if we were to move forward..perhaps letting me down on a meet because they have to rush to the vet, a heads up in advance can save issues later on..although of course it wouldn't be necessary personally I'd find that good to know.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, MzJax said:

@TheScribeI haven't quoted you because I agree with most of what you wrote..but..I do differ on the parts where you say..don't discuss your sick puppy or a *** of flying, for me, and I can only speak to my preferences and opinions, I like that human engagement, I want to know what's going on in their life, in your examples both of those things could impact time we'd spend together if we were to move forward..perhaps letting me down on a meet because they have to rush to the vet, a heads up in advance can save issues later on..although of course it wouldn't be necessary personally I'd find that good to know.

I agree with you there, Mz Jax, I was referring to initial contacts and the first few "getting to know you" conversations. The more in-depth talks about lives and what is going on around them will follow as it moves forward x

[Mz****]

2 minutes ago, TheScribe said:

I agree with you there, Mz Jax, I was referring to initial contacts and the first few "getting to know you" conversations. The more in-depth talks about lives and what is going on around them will follow as it moves forward x

I understand,  I'm a cover all bases kind of person, anything that may impact, I like to know as soon as I can..especially if its something that may impact regularly, be that every weekend is spent parenting, or every Tues and Fri I go visit mum..but your right, most would leave that for a message or three first..I mention mine on my profile, if they've bothered reading they'll know I can't be as spontaneous as I'd like to be..so maybe that's impacted my preferences. 

I guess ultimately there just isn't a formula, we A/all know what doesn't work for the vast majority, the secret to success though, that is elusive..and I'm sure one of the motivations behind the post. 

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, MzJax said:

I understand,  I'm a cover all bases kind of person, anything that may impact, I like to know as soon as I can..especially if its something that may impact regularly, be that every weekend is spent parenting, or every Tues and Fri I go visit mum..but your right, most would leave that for a message or three first..I mention mine on my profile, if they've bothered reading they'll know I can't be as spontaneous as I'd like to be..so maybe that's impacted my preferences. 

I guess ultimately there just isn't a formula, we A/all know what doesn't work for the vast majority, the secret to success though, that is elusive..and I'm sure one of the motivations behind the post. 

I thought about that, putting more detail in my profile, but then figured that most don't get past my stunning good looks and actually read anything  I like to keep things light-hearted to start with, and don't take myself too seriously. That all changes when you get up close and personal.

[Mz****]

3 minutes ago, TheScribe said:

I thought about that, putting more detail in my profile, but then figured that most don't get past my stunning good looks and actually read anything  I like to keep things light-hearted to start with, and don't take myself too seriously. That all changes when you get up close and personal.

Most comment on mine which is always amusing given face pics are friends only, and rarely, if ever do they bother with my profile..which is why my message numbers are as high as they are. 🥴

[Deleted Member]

This thread is going to be very useful for uncertain new people, but I think the majority of the inappropriate messages come from the kind of people that were mentioned in a previous thread who just want to get off and are using other people to do that. This kind of thing:

Them: Dear Mistress, I want to be your slave blah blah blah...
Me: I'm not a Domme.
Them: I'll do anything.
Me: ...
Unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do about that.
I can't really envisage a situation where I would be messaging a Dom without having engaged prior in the forums or in the lobby, but if I did I would treat them as I would an initial message to any other stranger. Be polite, explain why I'm messaging, and don't expect someone who doesn't know me have any pressure or responsibility to message back. Although, I might proofread a little more carefully 🤣

[Deleted Member]

High level summary of what many are saying in the Dom and Sub threads is take it slow. Start with an ordinary, friendly conversation, see where it goes.

A D/S relationship is just that, a relationship. It takes time. You wouldn’t give yourself completely to a stranger, nor would an experienced Dom be comfortable being responsible for the safety/wellbeing of a sub they barely know.

Loneliness can play a part in this impatience. I personally think it’s doubly important to establish friendships first if you’re lonely. My two cents :)

[Bo****]

As much as the onus is on us starting the conversation to have volition, consideration and respect it is also on us when being approached by someone to be compassionate, empathic and patient.

Like driving a car, inter-personal communication doesn't come as naturally to some as it does for others, so for some it can remain a mostly conscious cognitive activity that can require considerable energy and deliberation and lack much of the autonomy and intuition that we often take for granted, and for others it can largely be beyond comprehension altogether.

While having a self-help guide for how to communicate with people is certainly a great resource I *** that if we continue to maintain such a high and nuanced bar with which to compare others we will continue to judge others on their ability and not their intent.
 

So having said all that, I think next time someone approaches me with a one-line complement or remark, I might just take my own advice and ask them how their day has been