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How to deal with another dom?


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Newbie and exploring here. 

I am married to a wonderful woman. Smart, sexy, and absolutely gorgeous. We started exploring just a few months, ago after 2 years of marriage, as a way to add spice. We are members of two lifestyle  clubs and so far have had an amazing time. 

Recently she had started talking to another “experienced “ dom whom I invited to teach us. I discovered that he, without talking to me, asked her to be his sub. I voiced a concern that this seemed disrespectful of me and wished to talk to this dom. She asked me not to, that it was all play. Then I checked her messages to this dom and saw where he had asked her to lie to me in order to meet privately for play!

My question, how should I handle this in a way that is respectful and yet firm. I have dealt with my brat and will continue to deal with her. But I need advice on how to approach this dom. 



Hi there Fantacyking. I am disappointed to hear that you have had Dom whom you and your partner and sub put trust in treat you both this way. This is wholly unacceptable behaviour from anyone, especially a Dominant who had been allowed access to your wife and partner and has entered into a trusting relationship with you both. So first thing’s first, you have every right to feel both offended and angry at his behaviour.  


The four tenets of everything I do in the BDSM world are as follows:


1 – Consent

2 – Honesty

3 – Respect

4 – Trust


These are the four pillars upon which I base the foundations of every relationship I form whether that be with other submissive types or other Dominant types.


1 – Consent is the number one priority to give as a submissive and to accept as a Dominant or Master.


2 – Honesty is the next priority, as without honesty I cannot get to know, but more importantly understand another submissive or Dom and vice versa.


3 – After honesty has been achieved and reciprocated naturally comes respect and this respect must always be worked at to be maintained in all aspect of any relationship; both as a Dominant Master towards a Submissive and as a Submissive towards a Dominant Master.  


4 – Only once the first three steps are in place have you earned the trust of a Dominant Master or Submissive and it is this trust upon which good and lasting relationships are formed. Once you have trust then limits and boundaries can be explored safely and fantasies or new ideas be shared, accepted and expressed.


Now the situation that this Dom’s behaviour has put you in has broken and made a mockery of all four of those basic foundations. At this point you need to formulate what your are going to say to him and confront him either publically or privately with what he has done. You need to let him know that YOU know everything that has been going on and that you are not only angry with him and his behaviour, but thoroughly disappointed in him and tell him that if he acts this way then he is no true Dom. A real Dom has no need to act this way at any time or for any given excuse.


1 – He did not ask for your consent to attempt to seduce your wife/sub and then talk her into a secret sexual relationship with him behind your back.


In doing so he has shown that he does not care about consent! A major red flag for me!


2 – He was not honest with you and then compounded his dishonesty by attempting to coerce your wife/sub into lying to you about what he was attempting to gain from her and your situation.


In doing so he has shown that he does not care about honesty! A second major red flag for me!


3 – His behaviour showed neither you or your wife/sub any respect at all by potentially trying to have an affair behind your back, coerce your wife/sub into lying to you and betraying your trust.


In doing so he has shown that he does not care about respect! A third major red flag for me!


4 – He has proven to you and your wife/sub that he cannot be trusted and will betray yours and likely other people in the BDSM world’s trust given any chance for personal gain or satisfaction.


In doing so he has shown that he does not care about trust! A fourth and final major red flag for me!



At this point I would not only recommend talking to him privately about this, but impress upon him that you will also be making his behaviour public in the community that you are part of. Not as an act of petty revenge or anger, but in order to keep the rest of the community aware and educated about his dangerous and repulsive behaviour. You should also tell him that making what he has done public is also an educational and learning experience for him, as if he wants to continue to be a trusted part of any community he must learn that his behaviour is unacceptable and change it in the future.


You also need to inform him that you are your wife and sub’s master and Dom, not him and that you control her sexuality, orgasms and contact with anyone else in the communities you are a part of not him. As such you gave him the gift of access to her, but thanks to his unacceptable behaviour this contact that you allowed is now being revoked and that all his ways of communicating with her from now on will be cut-off, blocked and withdrawn and that he only has himself to blame for this.


I have no doubt that if you wish to learn more from another and far more trustworthy Dom in the future that you can find a far more suitable Dom than this piece of shit you need to scrape off the bottom of your soles. People like this are the scourge of Kink, BDSM and vanilla communities far and wide. My hope is that when your community finds out what he has done, that he ostracised and given only limited access to others in order to protect those communities from his predatory dangerous behaviour .    


Hi I can  second everything above as o have had a similar thing attempted in the past and had to deal with it in the process of this it caused a very difficult time . Above is prob one of the best explanations I have read. 

One issue is that there are somemany fakes out there now it's a joke I've been looking for a new sub at the moment and the stories I've heard are shocking this is just another example. 


Good luck .


Thanks for the advice. My wife and I informed the other party, (and I refuse to call him anything else,) requested that he contact me directly to discuss the issues. As of this moment, he has not contacted either of us. We know we will see him as he frequents a venue we attend,  it believe he will maintain his distance and discretion. Thanks again. 


I am very glad to hear this wannabe has backed off trying to cause problems between you both. It sounds now like he has now scampered off with his tail between his legs after being found out and called on his behavior towards you both. His reaction tells you everything you need to know about how genuine a guy/Dom he is/isn't and his character as a person outside of the kink world.


Your very welcome for the advice, most genuine Dom's are only to happy to guide, train, nurture and help when they can; regardless if your a Sub, Dom or any other wonderful variation of kinkster. I wish you both all the best in your exploration and journey together 


My opinion is that you don't deal with him at all. Forget about this guy completely and don't play with him. Manipulation, entitlement and disrespect from the get go is a recipe for epic disaster. No real Dom behaves this way. Too many brats with sticks about. 

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