Molly's BDSM Tips | How Do I Cope With Being Away From My Dom Over the Holidays?

Dreading the time away from your Dom or sub during the hols? Our Molly shares her advice...

I'm in a 24/7 Dom sub relationship with my Dom. We live in the same apartment building and spend nearly every night together. However, this will be our first Christmas and whilst we really want to spend it together, we have both already made arrangements to be with our families. For me, that means only one day, but for him, he will be gone for a whole week, and I'm absolutely dreading it. I've not really told him how I feel as I don’t want to spoil his time away or make him feel guilty. Also, I feel like this shouldn’t be a big deal but somehow it is. Do you have any suggestions on how I can go through this time without him?
Unhappy Christmas Spirit

Dear Unhappy Christmas Spirit,

The holidays can be a tricky time as it is, without having the added stress of worrying about being apart from your dominant. Clearly, the two of you have formed a positive and happy bond in your Dom sub relationship and now all of a sudden you have to face time apart when you’d probably much rather just be together but it is important to remember that it is just for now and just for this year. In the future, you will be able to plan how and where you spend your holidays together but for now, how do you deal with this one? 

Communication is vital

You mention that you haven't told your partner you worry about this time apart as you don’t want to spoil his trip. I can understand your thought process here but sadly I feel like it will only contribute to your anxiety before and during the trip and I'm sure as a good partner and dominant he would want to know.
 

You can frame it in a way to say that you would like to spend some time planning your time apart so that you can both enjoy it. I suspect you'll find that he's probably apprehensive about the time apart too – this way you can plan for it together and use elements of your Dom sub relationship to help you both through it. Communication is key, again, as in so many aspects of our lives. 

Setting expectations

This is why it's important to be open with your Dom about his upcoming trip. One of the most important things you need to do is set expectations for how much contact you will be able to have while he's away. Will you be able to have phone calls and/or video calls, or will it only be messages? Is there a time difference to consider? How long will he be traveling and possibly unable to contact you? Will you stay together the night before he leaves or maybe he is leaving very late at night or early in the morning? Plan those logistics together. It will ease your anxiety knowing all these things. 

24/7 Dom sub relationship when apart

You don’t have to be together 24 hours a day to have a 24/7 Dom sub relationship. Indeed, I'm sure you both go to work, maybe see friends, etc, and yet even when you're apart, you're still his submissive and he is still your Dom.

The same is absolutely true for this trip; it's just going to be for a longer time. Just like you are setting expectations for the type of contact you will have, you can do a similar thing with regard to your Dom sub relationship. For example, do you have a daily ritual, rules, or tasks? How will you show your Dom you have completed these even though he is away? Maybe he can set you some additional tasks to complete during your separation. Does he control your orgasms for example? Maybe he can tell you each day if and when you can come. Does he want a picture? Or maybe he would prefer a voice recording?

“It's important to be open with your Dom about his upcoming trip. One of the most important things you need to do is set expectations for how much contact you'll be able to have while he's away.”

Or, if orgasm denial is your kink, maybe the whole trip can be about edging and waiting, and your orgasm reward will be given on his return. There really are so many things you can do which will keep your Dom sub relationship strong and connected while he's away. You might even discover new things you both like whilst doing it. 

Plan a reward

Having a reward to look forward to is an important part of planning for this time apart. What that reward looks like is totally up to you two to figure out and it might be more than one thing. You might have a sex/kink-based reward, for example, I mentioned orgasm control above and that could easily be linked to a reward-type scenario. But you might also want to have another type of reward like a special dinner out or having your own late Christmas celebration with friends when your partner returns. Whatever works for you both gives you something exciting and positive to look forward to and helps to make the whole trip a more positive experience. 

Keep yourself busy

Whilst you have plans that you made together you should spend some time thinking about what else you can do yourself to help. Would it be better for you if you were busy seeing friends and family or actually would it feel like a special treat to have a few days to yourself to watch all the movies you love and slob around in your pajamas? Whatever it is, plan that out for you so it feels like a special treat. 

Find a balance

All relationships can be consuming but Dom sub relationships have the ability to be incredibly intense and become the focus of your life. It is important to find a balance so that it does not become all-consuming for either one of you or even both. Talk to your partner about this aspect too and work out ways together that you can find a good balance in both your lives. That way, that time apart is not a challenge in the future but can be just as much a fun part of your Dom sub relationship as being together is. 

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Main image shutterstock/Mike Orlov