What Makes A Perfect Dominant: How To Be A Good Dom

In part one, we explained how self-control and curiosity were important qualities for dominants. And, in part two of how to be a good dom, we examine the other attributes a kinky dom needs to have to make the most of their sub-dom kink play.

In a dominant-submissive relationship, trust and respect of both parties is built up over time. In this way, one of the main tips on how to be a good dom is to listen to the submissive, to understand better what is important to them and hear their viewpoint on the relationship.

The submissive will often be able to offer valuable insight into what they feel they need/want from the dominant. Again, as mentioned in part one of what makes a perfect dominant, stalwartness is key here. The dominant needs to keep the overall control in the relationship while allowing the submissive to express their standpoint, whether this is taken into account or not.

Strong self-awareness

It goes without saying then that a good dominant should have a strong sense of self-awareness, such that they know what is important to them. It may be that they learn this along the way, but they should remain honest and true to this, and guide the submissive accordingly.

It would be dishonest, and not harbour a relationship of trust, for the dominant to sacrifice what is vital to him/her for the perceived benefit of the submissive. While such an arrangement may work on a temporary time scale, it would be sure to fail in the long-term. In terms of the dominant-submissive relationship being perceived as a journey, the dominant would do well to exhibit patience, thereby giving the submissive room to develop with the continued guidance of the dominant.

BDSM couple - how to be a good dom
How to be a good dom in your BDSM relationship.

Understand and care for your sub

In summary then, for a perfect dom to progress along the path to being a better dominant for his/her chosen submissive(s), they must be aware of their own nature and stay true to this, while having a genuine interest in the nature of their submissive(s). One advice on how to be a good dom is that a perfect dominant would understand more about their submissive's nature than the submissive themselves.

However, assuming that a dom should possess a natural dominance, know their own mind and be comfortable with this, listen to and guide the submissive (patiently when appropriate) in an unerring and dependable manner, and have a better understanding of the submissive than would the submissive themselves, would this indeed be a 'perfect' dominant? Is not part of the excitement of the dominant-submissive dynamic the unknown, the unpredictable nature of having a relationship with another human being, where both can develop and learn in ways they could not have conceived before they met each other?

A dominant should then perhaps not be too perfect in the sense of always getting everything right, but rather be amenable to the changing nature of such a relationship by being open and aware of the submissive as an individual and embracing this while maintaining the control in the relationship. A critical part of how to be a good dom, aside from the above, is genuinely caring about the development of the submissive. This is, providing that this coincides with the dominant's desires.

How to be a good dom in YOUR relationship

Whether or not there is such a thing as a perfect dominant is again a very individualistic question. Some submissives may feel they have found their perfect dominant. Indeed, some dominants may believe themselves to be the 'perfect' dominant. This may be the case for one or both partners for a short while, or for eternity. In many ways it is the same question as is it possible to find one's 'perfect' match in life in general, dominant or otherwise?

Perhaps it's more realistic to say that one finds the best-matched person to oneself, be that in a dominant-submissive relationship or not. Furthermore, that flexibility to grow and change in this relationship relative to one another, as well as external inputs, is key to maintaining its success.