kink exclusivity

[ty****]

How to maneuver kink exclusivity? You don’t care if someone is intimate with someone else, but only in a vanilla space, not a BDSM dynamic like they have with you. I thought at first I wanted full monogamy but i realized it’s just kink monogamy. Is asking your partner to not have other open kink experiences selfish or just not being compatible?

[di****]

its not selfish. if youre able to communicate that desire to a partner then they can either agree or disagree, at which point its a matter of incompatibility. theres no shame in desiring exclusivity in a kink space

[Mr****]

What is vanilla I’m just learning about a lot of this?

[sa****]

Just be honest

[sa****]

And if they can’t accept it . Don’t change for them .unless u want to change for you

[sa****]

I ran into that with my ex partner and just went separate ways . It hurts but it’s what I wanted

[Em****]

I don’t think dingbat here^ actually read or understood what you said. He was too busy complimenting your ass. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s you being selfish. But maybe that you’re not quite ready for non-monogamy. It sounds to me like you’re wanting to keep some form of monogamy within your kinky experiences, I wouldn’t call that selfish but I would maybe call it improbable? From my experience people involved in kink do like to explore with different partners. While that’s not always the case maybe it would be a good idea to either find a way to separate your kink experiences from your emotional side, or on the other hand maybe you do still need to find a monogamous partner who you can experience your kinks with how you like to? Hope this helped and I hope you can find what you’re looking for.

[ki****]

I’ve known people who go a step further - exclusivity in terms of the role they play in the dynamic. For example, one of my platonic friends who is a dom is okay with his partner(s) playing with others but not as a sub. He wants to be the only dom they submit to, and it works for them. I guess it comes down to being open about what you’re seeking, compatibility (finding a partner who would be okay with this), setting clear boundaries, and healthy communication.

[vo****]

I have this arrangement. It frees us space to live our public lives as desired but builds trust and intimacy in kink play.
We find we can’t live together in an SD lifestyle, but we can’t release it altogether- so we play as a kinky couple.
Works for us.
Find what works for you.
Many roads to Rome. Just keep walking

[Ol****]

Probably a conversation to have with your special someone tbh. It might be better to just enf@rce a "the less I know the better" policy at this point honestly. Tell them you no longer wish to know details about what they are getting up to in their intimate moments with others, as a boundary. That sounds way more reasonable, what you're wanting specifically seems about as reasonable as a OPP.

[ty****]

45 minutes ago, Emceeink said:

I don’t think dingbat here^ actually read or understood what you said. He was too busy complimenting your ass. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s you being selfish. But maybe that you’re not quite ready for non-monogamy. It sounds to me like you’re wanting to keep some form of monogamy within your kinky experiences, I wouldn’t call that selfish but I would maybe call it improbable? From my experience people involved in kink do like to explore with different partners. While that’s not always the case maybe it would be a good idea to either find a way to separate your kink experiences from your emotional side, or on the other hand maybe you do still need to find a monogamous partner who you can experience your kinks with how you like to? Hope this helped and I hope you can find what you’re looking for.

for me detaching emotionally is not having any extra interactions. only the bedroom. and i noticed people like to connect more plus have the bdsm dynamic.

[ty****]

25 minutes ago, OlanGrey69 said:

Probably a conversation to have with your special someone tbh. It might be better to just enf@rce a "the less I know the better" policy at this point honestly. Tell them you no longer wish to know details about what they are getting up to in their intimate moments with others, as a boundary. That sounds way more reasonable, what you're wanting specifically seems about as reasonable as a OPP.

other partners aren’t discussed with each other it’s just a known that that’s what’s going on

[ty****]

30 minutes ago, voiceofgod said:

I have this arrangement. It frees us space to live our public lives as desired but builds trust and intimacy in kink play.
We find we can’t live together in an SD lifestyle, but we can’t release it altogether- so we play as a kinky couple.
Works for us.
Find what works for you.
Many roads to Rome. Just keep walking

for me that’s one aspect not being able to be as *** knowing that you’re doing what we do with other people. it doesn’t feel as genuine and is hard for me to submit

[Ch****]

Let's assume you partner is a man. You're okay with being in an ENM relationship, but have a boundary set for the kinds of relationships he is allowed to have while still in a BDSM relationship with you. Sounds reasonable to me (Chrome). And if it's okay with him, great. But I assume you're asking because you got some sort of pushback when setting this boundary. Which then means you're not compatible for that kind of ENM relationship. What I'm guessing you found, however, is one of the many that don't really practice the E in ENM, or don't even know what it is. Especially if you have a dom-type that might have a juvenile and/or inexperienced view of being a dom...something akin to "you don't get to dictate boundaries to me, you're my sub". Which leaves you asking if you're right to have boundaries. Keep your boundaries.

[ty****]

26 minutes ago, ChromeStarz said:

Let's assume you partner is a man. You're okay with being in an ENM relationship, but have a boundary set for the kinds of relationships he is allowed to have while still in a BDSM relationship with you. Sounds reasonable to me (Chrome). And if it's okay with him, great. But I assume you're asking because you got some sort of pushback when setting this boundary. Which then means you're not compatible for that kind of ENM relationship. What I'm guessing you found, however, is one of the many that don't really practice the E in ENM, or don't even know what it is. Especially if you have a dom-type that might have a juvenile and/or inexperienced view of being a dom...something akin to "you don't get to dictate boundaries to me, you're my sub". Which leaves you asking if you're right to have boundaries. Keep your boundaries.

i think i got push back bc i didn’t really think over what it is i wanted from a partner at this point i knew i wanted some kind of monogamy but not totally exclusive, but it came out as me wanting to be fully monogamous

[Ch****]

Well, oops. You'll know how to express yourself better for next time. But your needs are fine. 

[ty****]

5 minutes ago, ChromeStarz said:

Well, oops. You'll know how to express yourself better for next time. But your needs are fine. 

🤣 live and learn. thanks i was genuinely curious though for future endeavors

[sh****]

You can let them know that there are things you'd like reserved for you, but you also can't entirely control them. If they know you prefer a certain thing, and other partners are open to that, maybe those partners also enjoy it? If i notice a friend likes to get sushi together, I dont not get sushi with other people if they're interested.

[Co****]

I feel that everybody in the kink that has been in it for a while has done figured out it needs to be included into the conversation in the very beginning about your in and your out,yes and no's and that should be one of them questions that should be asked and answered on both parties

[Deleted Member]

Asking a partner to hold themselves exclusively for you in exchange for the same is a perfectly reasonable request and if you search hard enough, you’ll find someone with whom to basque in this type of arrangement… someone who seeks the same as you

[Wi****]

I think this is a very good discussion opened my mind forsure cause I tried it and the partner I had kept wanting more from me . I just wanted a closed bdsm partner and he was just not mature enough.

[ty****]

25 minutes ago, Countrybiggin said:

I feel that everybody in the kink that has been in it for a while has done figured out it needs to be included into the conversation in the very beginning about your in and your out,yes and no's and that should be one of them questions that should be asked and answered on both parties

no for sure, asked everything else but that. i’ve been outta the scene for a while and just hopping back in. the others were relationships so just tryna figure what i want at this moment. which is def not full fledge monogamy

[ty****]

51 minutes ago, shelbyville69 said:

You can let them know that there are things you'd like reserved for you, but you also can't entirely control them. If they know you prefer a certain thing, and other partners are open to that, maybe those partners also enjoy it? If i notice a friend likes to get sushi together, I dont not get sushi with other people if they're interested.

see if my best friend said she didn’t want me going some place with someone bc that’s “our” thing i wouldn’t. certain things i feel like should be reserved for certain people but that’s just me 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Co****]

54 minutes ago, typeachie said:

no for sure, asked everything else but that. i’ve been outta the scene for a while and just hopping back in. the others were relationships so just tryna figure what i want at this moment. which is def not full fledge monogamy

I always ask about this cause she may be wanting to keep what vanilla that she has or may have but still wanna keep me also but vanilla or not ive always have been 1 woman kinda man so im not fond of sharing but one day that may change. Who knows

[ey****]

it's not selfish at all - but if these are people indulging in sex/intimacy with other people you do have to be clear on boundaries

i.e what do you regard as being kink?

these all might sound stupid but for example

can the person kiss feet during sex?

or dirty talk during sex? especially if it's degredation?