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What makes a good Dom


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Hi all

I’ve had a male sub in the past and I really enjoyed being a Dom, but I haven’t done it in a while and I just want some insight from people regardless of whether they’re Dom or a sub on what makes a good Dom and what are some creative ways of playing with a sub and creative ways to punish a sub, of course all ideas have to be safe, sane and consensual, but I’d love to hear what people have to say and any advice anyone can give is great.


I think a lot of people are going to have different ideas - but I think in summary.

A good Dominant should be above and free from tropes.  That the relationship they want, or forge together, is bespoke to them and not any form of ideology on the internet.

That being said.

A good Dominant should accept that while they are the Dom, the sub also has needs, wants and requests and that these should be managed.  This is something that as it's a journey together and while there's a lot of tropes about subs (they should enjoy serving, it's about the Dominants needs, etc) the question is of course why is it you they want to serve, so on.

A Dominant shouldn't engage in play they don't really know how to do safely - if it's something they need to learn then this should be done in a safe environment.   A good Dominant would accept that they don't know everything and that there's strength in saying you can't do something, there's strength in saying 'sorry' and there's strength in saying 'yes' as well as 'no'.

A good Dominant should be fair and consistent - although 'fair' could be consensual unfair depending on the relationship or play.  A good Dominant should encourage the behaviour they want to see.

For playing with a sub - the best way is in the sweet spot of things you most enjoy together - obviously there may be stuff you enjoy the sub would do "for the Dominant" but as above - why for *you* and that ideas can be discussed together around interests and ideas.

I have been swapping a lot of messages with a sub lately about  a play scene and so we're going to try a few things that combine ideas that might be overpowering for some.  There's strength in asking "how would you feel if....?" ahead of just doing it and hoping for the best.

A good Dom understands the need for scene planning, aftercare and discussing feedback and growth - that they should also encourage the sub to speak up if they do something they weren't entirely happy with.


Agree with eyemblacksheep - Especially the "sorry" part. 
A healthy D/s relationship requires good self-esteem,  self-awareness and respect for your partner. 
Find a partner with some matching kinks so you are satisfying your desires at the same time while pushing the boundaries on negotiated kinks that are not their usual cup of tea.
Be curious, eager to learn new techniques and refine the ones you currently employ.  Some lean on the whole "naturally dominant" argument - even embodying twue dom syndrome  - but no one is born with perfect technique - we should strive to be constantly learning, practicing and trying out new ideas together. Embrace communication and feedback.
In public spaces - be prepared to hold your ground against other dominants who want to piss in your wheaties and take liberties with your sub - don't be afraid to calmly tell them to step off.  Talk to your sub about this before going out. You don't have to share your sub (unless you both want to) or feel uncomfortable about holding your own.
The sub is the one with a safeword - this means they have the power to end a scene.
Don't begin a scene thinking you need to win a pissing match against the dominant next to you. Eff right off  - it's not about them - it's about you and your sub.
A sub has the power to end the scene - but you have control over their journey to subspace - make them crave your attention and become wantor whores <3 for your touch  - yum - power exchange. 
Know when to stop - which means checking in with them during play - don't get so wrapped up in your rhythm that you forget your partner. (Drooling, being unable to hold eye contact, weak limbs, not answering questions quick enough - etc - usually means you've gone ahead without them - back up a bit and scoop them up - don't leave them untethered - stay in control of the trajectory)
There is no safety corridor around the edges of negotiated play - ride it like you stole it. 
Be creative when checking in - repeatedly asking "Are you ok?" ruins your sub's headspace as well as those around you.
When you do end the scene - have a cozy blanket and snack for them in case their *** sugar bottoms out - it makes their reentry as magical as your scene.

Eyem covered it all but all dynamics and D/s rl are différents and personal tbh. But two majors rules Control and knowledge. A Dom should always be in control during the sessions, as safety and health of the sub. Knowing what he does for extreme or risky play, as ropes, breath play or hard impact play.
It would actually be quite interesting to her what subs think makes a good Dom...

Empathy, empathy, empathy!  A good dom is not only the bringer of ***, but in there with you, feeling everything that you are feeling.  How else can they know where to lead you next?  Power exchange is a constant flow.

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