Fetish Interviews | A Dom/sub Marriage

Maintaining a Dom/sub marriage can be difficult. Add two small children into the mix, and the challenge skyrockets and sexual growth sometimes comes to a screeching halt. As a teenager, Courtney spent some time exploring BDSM with her long-term boyfriend.
 

Was this your first involvement in BDSM, or did something that happened before you met [your fiancée] Jamey*?

Yeah, years before–going on six years. It was that first experience. He [my high school boyfriend] was more dominant, always initiating everything. He actually started it. He took a belt off his pants and put it on my hand. That was the first time. But most of it was just being pinned so that you are completely exposed. That was a big thing for both of us. We wanted somebody to see all of us. We wanted to be understood, so I think that's how that desire played out in our sex life. I've realised that some guys are rougher because they're rougher. Normal sex with a guy who's rough is different than...

Someone who's into something more BDSM-centric?

Right. It's something that I still desire. But Jamey is just not into it at all. I don't know if it has anything to do with his heart condition, or the medications he's taking for it. But, even before he was diagnosed, he never really wanted to do anything–not like that anyway. I always asked him. I just don't think it's his kind of thing. With the experience I had with it [BDSM], I thought he'd find it fun too. But he has no interest in doing it at all.
 

BDSM vs Dom/sub marriage

Do you think that he's aware of the extent to which you still crave BDSM in your sex life?

I don't think he does at all. Even if I ask him to do it, he just doesn't want to. I don't think he would unless I did something. Unless you initiate? Right, unless I initiate. But at the same time, I think he'd get turned off by it.

What makes you think that?

He likes the idea of being powerful. [laughs] I don't think he's interested in anyone controlling him at all.

Are you a dominant or a submissive?

Both, actually.

You switch?

Yeah, I switch.

Power dynamics in a Dom/sub marriage

If power is something that is appealing to Jamey, you don't think he'd be interested in playing a more dominant role in your Dom sub marriage?

He might. But at the same time, he's lazy, so he doesn't want to do anything. [laughs] So I think that's another reason that he's turned off by it. Because he'd actually have to do something. I've spoken to him about it. Like, a couple of times actually.

Was he turned off by the idea?

His answer was, “yeah, maybe.” And yeah maybe to him is usually no.

Maintaining a Dom/sub relationship can be hard. 

Different worlds within a Dom/sub marriage

How do you feel now as a person with a family who has this interest?

It's like two different worlds. It [BDSM] is kind of appealing because it's different. It's not, home/mother/house-wife sort of thing. It's exciting; it's not something that's boring or tedious.

Do you find yourself craving it more now in the context of your daily life?

Yeah. Especially now that Jamey doesn't want it.
 

Passing on the example of a kinky marriage

I don't know how it [BDSM] came into play, but it started when I lost my virginity. I was trying anything, everything, whatever. I think it had something to do with the fact that I had chain pants on all the time. So I figured, why not? The chains had clips on the end. You could bring them around and clip them to the other side. You could pull, and they would get tighter. I would use them to strap him to the bed. That was neat.

They were there, might as well use them.

Exactly! Jamey is ten years older than I am. He is significantly older than me. And he's not into it. I know he's tried it, I know he didn't like it. But because I was so young, I just felt like everybody did it.

How would you feel if your children grew up to also be interested in BDSM and possibly had a Dom/sub marriage?

I think I would be happy about it. Because that would mean that they're not boring people, they're interesting people. I think that's the best way to put it. It would be something we have in common, and it's not a boring subject at all. It's also not an accepted thing. I mean, there are a lot of people that do accept it, but there are a lot of people that don't.

Zoë Tersche is a New York-based writer focusing on fetish sexuality and the freedom of sexual expression. 

 *Asterisk denotes name change.

How do you keep your Dom/sub marriage alive? Why not start a new topic in the Fetish.com forum and offer others some inspiration. 

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