Men Want to Feel Desired, Not Just Useful

[cellofello]

I put a more positive spin on it than just being useful. To me, "It's how you use it" encompasses the idea that paying attention to her reactions, adjusting your s***d and *** to build her excitement, and unselfishly holding back on your own orgasm to make sure she also gets there are all things that don't become unnecessary just by having a big tool. A man who selfishly concentrates only on his own orgasm, rushes to blow his load, and leaves his partner unfulfilled is not a rare complaint from what I've seen. And as others have already pointed out, while there are size queens who really love being filled by a fat 8+", there are many small women who would find that actively ***ful.

As for @cyclop5's comment on "tiny dick energy" - I simply hear that as dismissing them for acting like a big dick (in the offensive personality sense) to compensate for their own insecurities which in many if not most cases do not literally stem from their own equipment size.

Edited September 29 by cellofello

[Ke****]

Well I’ve never been told that so it sounds like a you problem lol

[Ed****]

Girth and average length is much better than skinny long. Or so I’ve been told.

There was this guy in a town I lived in with a foot long dick. They called him dick belt. He could wear his dick as a belt.

Well all the single women in town had slept with him. And every one of them only did it once. And every one of them said it felt stabby. ***ful. Little pleasure.

Any man can increase the size of his penis at least an inch by loosing weight.

If you are skinny your dick looks bigger, feels bigger, and you have lots of room to do things, if you don’t have an extra fifty pounds of meat between you and your woman.

Anyway. You have to be happy with what you have. But god didn’t give you fat. You did that.

And skinny is sexy in a man. Fitness. Strength. Dependability. Endurance. Unassisted erections.

I’m 54, fit, and can keep it up without Viagra all day long.

That’s what matters. Not size of your penis.

[ey****]

I get where you're coming from but there's a reason why it's also a little bit different

(like, outside of consensual degredation, body shaming is never cool)

I mean, the amount of times where a woman might say something about being concious about her figure - and someone will say "you're beautiful" still dimisnishes her concious and still ultimately judges based on looks.  It does happen to women.

But, men concious about their size is performance based.   That's why the "it's what you can do with it" is relevant.   But like, when else would it ever come up in conversation otherwise.  You don't tuck your shirt in at work and be like "does my penis look small in this?" or get a haircut cos you're going out on the town and worried people will look at you and think you're small?  

[Ma****]

How do you think women feel 😂

[mi****]

So I feel ed the great destroyed your thesis and I am overweight and never got assurance until I hooked up with an African. If you think fat women are skipping through the tulips you are wrong a ton of men have made me feel bad about myself and my friend is also bigger she experienced the same. Not everyone knows your dick size but everyone sees im fat. Poor comparison to use women definitely have it worse we are judged on flaws every one sees no one knows about your dick unless you are fucking them

[ta****]

4 hours ago, cyclop5 said:

Regarding your first point. Not necessarily.perceived dick size figures into all sorts of male self-worth and self esteem issues. There have been more times than I care to count I've heard something to the effect of " he has a small dick - he's less of a man" - I've heard women refer to "tiny dick energy". And you sure as heck won't hear a man touting he's smaller than average, whereas you may hear a woman speaking positively about her body size.

I'm not defending either situation - merely pointing out that men don't hear it just in a performance sort of "situation"

Thanks for adding context to the point I was trying to make about the response making assumptions and dismissing valid feelings. Although imo, the "BDE" or "SDE" is more of a modern take on "Napoleon complex"---- again it's less about what your actual dick size is and more about your confidence, the way you carry yourself and how you treat people. Being nonbinary, I really don't like the standardized expectations of what's is "man enough" or "woman enough". A persons value just isn't defined by the sum of their parts for me, and id hate to be put in that box too (defined by what's in my pants).

[Go****]

I don’t let stuff like this get to me…

Different strokes for different folks and different people like different shapes and sizes.

The crowd doesn’t decide individual standards so I try to avoid the noise or wasting time or energy on it.

Just focusing on trying to find a really good partner for me 🤷🏽‍♂️

[Ne****]

I never did think about it this way. The reality of it, I'm told, is that women don't care about dick size as much as we men do - girth is more important. That doesn't mean we're not insecure though. Unlike breasts or butts, dick size is not something easily measured against our ***rs with our clothes on. We don't really have a frame of reference for it.
I don't think my penis is all that big, but I do know it's thicker than usual, and that's what my partners have commented on. So if on one hand I'm a bit insecure about the size, on the other, I have always been reassured that it feels good, and really, that's all it needs to do.
I've also recently lost quite a bit of weight, so I'm learning to be kinder to myself in regards to my image.
Men on the whole do not receive a lot of reassurances or praise. Not just about our appearances but everything else too. I think it's okay to want to be desired, but we shouldn't focus too much on it.

[De****]

Sorry, but this is silly all around. It's harder to get a women off than a man. So obviously we want men to know what they're doing. Most of the time, through penetrative alone men get off and women don't. Larger penises obviously create more friction, so for a lot of women, bigger guys don't have to try as hard to make them feel good whether they get off or not. We want to feel good because most likely the guy is going to feel good no matter what, even if they're not attracted to the woman..what does any of that have to do with women and their body types being accepted? I've never heard a woman say she likes bigger penises because of the way they look. Hopefully you can come up with a better comparison to make your point

[De****]

Also, are you seriously implying that women aren't used all the time? The most disgusting things men say and think about women and this, that isn't even derogatory bothers you. It's genuinely hilarious when men try to pretend that women have it better. Especially in the regard of physical pressure

[Ka****]

10 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I get where you're coming from but there's a reason why it's also a little bit different

(like, outside of consensual degredation, body shaming is never cool)

I mean, the amount of times where a woman might say something about being concious about her figure - and someone will say "you're beautiful" still dimisnishes her concious and still ultimately judges based on looks.  It does happen to women.

But, men concious about their size is performance based.   That's why the "it's what you can do with it" is relevant.   But like, when else would it ever come up in conversation otherwise.  You don't tuck your shirt in at work and be like "does my penis look small in this?" or get a haircut cos you're going out on the town and worried people will look at you and think you're small?  

This was exactly what I was thinking when I read the original post. But I also have to add that I’ve never said the comment “it’s not the size, it’s the way you use it.” Unless asked, “ is my d**k too small or is it good enough?”. What am I supposed to say if you are not a large endowed man? You’ve just point blank asked me? Am I supposed to lie? Maybe stop asking about our opinions on your equipment? Be proud of what you have. Size REALLY DOESN’T matter if you are an attentive lover. And if we are honest, we woman are never going to finish having sex with you and say, “well I didn’t cum, it’s probably because your d**k is small.” I’ve been with both very large, thick penis men and average or below average (according to them not me) and it has always been the man behind the penis that has attracted me. In most cases we don’t see your penis before you get to know us so you aren’t judged on it whereas a lot of men and women will reject a partner based on just their body shape without even trying to get to know the person. That is the major thing lacking in your comparison. Lastly, for all men that are feeling like they are being judged on their d**ks, perhaps stop flinging your dick pics at us as we are trying to get to know you??? It’s hard not to comment on it when you thrust (pun intended) it in our faces.
By the way this reply is not about anyone specific. I am using “you” as a general term.

[la****]

This is all difficult for me to discuss based on the simple fact that "d**k size" is mostly irrelevant when there are other components to sex: touches, kisses, teasing... I will admit that I have a difficult time with someone who doesn't fit me well, but I think that can also be compensated for, which is what women mean by that. Size is a size, it's not a testament to how well someone can make you feel. It's a little bit of apples & oranges. Most women who say that probably mean well. They're getting something sexual from the relationship that doesn't equate to something as trivial as dick size. Once you're past that I think you'll hear this phrase in a totally different way.

[FL****]

8 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I get where you're coming from but there's a reason why it's also a little bit different

(like, outside of consensual degredation, body shaming is never cool)

I mean, the amount of times where a woman might say something about being concious about her figure - and someone will say "you're beautiful" still dimisnishes her concious and still ultimately judges based on looks.  It does happen to women.

But, men concious about their size is performance based.   That's why the "it's what you can do with it" is relevant.   But like, when else would it ever come up in conversation otherwise.  You don't tuck your shirt in at work and be like "does my penis look small in this?" or get a haircut cos you're going out on the town and worried people will look at you and think you're small?  

What you miss those a lot of women especially in today’s society and this is something I’m recently learning. Most of them are in some former or another highly. I don’t wanna use the trigger word selfish, and self-absorbed. Let’s say we did it. Society did it we told them they could do no wrong we gave him a pass to destroy anybody they want to do whatever they want and get away with it without any consequence in fact, some celebrate the more egregious the behavior. Now to my point a lot of that self *** is on purpose they want that you’re beautiful. They want that validation and reassurance. That’s what they’re actually after they’re fishing. My ex of 23 years was a pro at it and she had a banging ass body, and she called her so fat all the time just because she wanted validation from others all the time.

[sh****]

Equating weight, a non-sexual thing and something that is seen by everyone, and impacts way more areas of a person's life to penis size feels a bit disingenuous. And yes, that is the go to way to reassure someone on that matter because that is where the pressure is placed on them by society. Be good in bed or you're not a real man or whatever. Most people with this insecurity present it as a concern of this nature. Essentially that's how we've been conditioned to respond. If that isn't the root of your insecurity you just have to say so to your partner and explain why you feel the way you feel and what you need from them to feel secure with them.

[sh****]

That being said, I'm of the belief women tend to express desire differently than men. We don't commonly sit around and talk about how hot penis' are or oh I bet so and so has a nice penis. I find that women are to be far less focused on the physical aspects when it comes to all that, and show their desire for their partner more emotionally, or through "non-sexual" traits like "oh you have a handsome smile". I think women very seldom think of penis' when they are thinking in terms of attraction. (Genuine attraction not romance book smut.)

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I'm just saying we aren't typically wired or socialized to behave that way. It really just comes down to talking to your partner.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, FLACman said:

They want that validation and reassurance. That’s what they’re actually after they’re fishing. My ex of 23 years was a pro at it and she had a banging ass body, and she called her so fat all the time just because she wanted validation from others all the time.

So over the years, yeah - maybe i've been aware of women where folk have questioned if they really believed they were unattractive or were seeking validation, or, simple a dopamine hit.   Though in some cases it genuinely was people who struggled with confidence despite this being something perhaps many guys couldn't understand.  

So I'm both agreeing it probably happens, but then also saying it maybe doesn't always appear the way it looks on the surface

But also... men kinda do the same.  Some folk do stuff through seeking validation and some through genuine insecurities.  

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Katlynn6612 said:

This was exactly what I was thinking when I read the original post. But I also have to add that I’ve never said the comment “it’s not the size, it’s the way you use it.” Unless asked, “ is my d**k too small or is it good enough?”. What am I supposed to say if you are not a large endowed man? You’ve just point blank asked me? Am I supposed to lie?

I think maybe tying in with the op he doesn't want to be told "it's how you use it" but that it's ok cos he has a pretty face. IDK.   

One of my favourites actually - there's a lady I know who can be quite blunt, but also quite fair - so her tone/accent can often feel more sc*thing than the reality.  And someone asked her about d**k sizes and she basically said "It doesn't matter, cos you're not screwing me anyway.... but smaller ones are easier to put in chastity" 

[sh****]

21 hours ago, Rainydaye88 said:

I think this is accurate. Though from personal experience, I've only ever heard both of those phrases said by men. Sure, I've heard women say that size doesn't matter, but the qualifier statement usually isn't that "its how you use it" but how the guy makes her feel. (He still is attentive and pays attention to what makes them feel uncomfortable, he is sweet to me in a way they haven't felt before) things that usually go deeper than just sex and actually describe being intimate. But I have seen men roll their eyes at that kind of answer so I think we have a way deeper issue of men being socially trained to always be useful or to provide in order to even have access to intimacy when really the toll of intimacy should just be evaluation of the person's character. This should be across all genders.

Nailed it!

[sh****]

17 hours ago, cellofello said:

I put a more positive spin on it than just being useful. To me, "It's how you use it" encompasses the idea that paying attention to her reactions, adjusting your s***d and *** to build her excitement, and unselfishly holding back on your own orgasm to make sure she also gets there are all things that don't become unnecessary just by having a big tool. A man who selfishly concentrates only on his own orgasm, rushes to blow his load, and leaves his partner unfulfilled is not a rare complaint from what I've seen. And as others have already pointed out, while there are size queens who really love being filled by a fat 8+", there are many small women who would find that actively ***ful.

As for @cyclop5's comment on "tiny dick energy" - I simply hear that as dismissing them for acting like a big dick (in the offensive personality sense) to compensate for their own insecurities which in many if not most cases do not literally stem from their own equipment size.

Exactly this! It's really saying "hey I don't care, I care that you'll be a team player and that we'll work together to both have a nice time. A woman simply is not likely to praise your member no matter the size unless it is specifically a kink for her.

[Ba****]

Well i get what @Down4MostAnything tried to say but the examples hurt the argument

„Sexy clothes“ would have been a better fit(pun intended) because for women it’s generally as little as possible to highlighting physical beauty while for men it’s usually work uniforms to draw focus on their potential utility which illustrates the underlying point better without disregarding the pros and cons of both sides

Also the reassurance for women if a bit off, most men don’t love all shapes and sizes but for every shape and size you can find men who love them and the same is true for women, hell there are women for whom the stereotypical little d**k is to big to handle without „discomfort“

As it stands here it’s basically the tinder height thing again but for penises, so yes the idealized fantasy has greener grass but in reality most people don’t really care and personally i like being appreciated for my performance/technique/skill over some physical aspect i may or may not have any way of influencing so i would prefer this kind of discussion to go more in the other direction, basically the „girl your ass is nice but are you doing anything with it??“ and showing appropriate appreciation when they do, we kind of have beed a bit stuck on the „women can be more than pretty“-front in the last few decades so adding a „men can be pretty too“ feel like a step back but that could just be my cishet-dudeness bias

[Ba****]

Oh and PS: the example response to the insecure chubby woman being a BJ seems like something between an oversight and a straw man to me once you factor in the actual list of sexual benefits a plus sized woman can bring, including but not limited to softer surface, stronger lower core and thigh muscles, deeper penetration potential, higher shock absorption, just more tits and a** etc
Not trying to proselytize here but using a „don’t worry you feel awesome“ instead of the BJ example could have deepened the overall argument by highlighting this too is not a binary discussion

[cellofello]

2 hours ago, Barthold said:

Oh and PS: the example response to the insecure chubby woman being a BJ seems like something between an oversight and a straw man to me once you factor in the actual list of sexual benefits a plus sized woman can bring, including but not limited to softer surface, stronger lower core and thigh muscles, deeper penetration potential, higher shock absorption, just more tits and a** etc
Not trying to proselytize here but using a „don’t worry you feel awesome“ instead of the BJ example could have deepened the overall argument by highlighting this too is not a binary discussion

Bingo. Sexual intercourse is a _tactile_ pleasure, not a visual one. In the missionary position, how much of your partner can you really see even with the lights on? But you can feel all of that body pressed against yours. I have a plus-sized partner (met on this site!) who likes "cowgirl" position. There, I do get to watch - and simply seeing her in wild abandon enjoying herself is breathtaking. But in addition to that, I love feeling her on top of me and fondling her plump breasts while she bounces on top of me. Yum!

[Mi****]

23 hours ago, tater_tots said:

No they don't. Most vagina holders actually prefer average to small-- big ones hurt! And probably take more "skill" to use effectively, without hurting your partner

Out of curiosity , why do you think we never hear people say “i wish his/mine wasn’t so big”?

[Mi****]

I’ve been struggling with feeling unattractive to women too. Whenever I see a woman saying a man is physically attractive it’s almost always when the guy is either in top tier physique, the conventionally attractive tall, dark, handsome type, or they are hung.
We see all different types being desired by men—look at dating apps and how women will have endless match opportunities but the only guys I know who have the same experience are the aforementioned type described above.
My current partner says she finds me attractive, but I struggle to fully embrace that because my type is very rarely ever pointed to as desirable or hot or sexy, etc.
For me, it’s hard not to feel like there are physically desirable/attractive types of men and then the rest who are all lumped in together. It’s hard to feel hot when you’re being told you’re desirable for the same reasons someone you feel is a lot less attractive than you, someone who puts no effort into their looks, and the thing that makes you more attractive than him is the fact that you have a good personality. Makes me feel no better physically than any other guy, like I’m just as attractive as the least attractive guy, the only thing separating us is personality