Men Want to Feel Desired, Not Just Useful

[cellofello]

42 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

I’ve been struggling with feeling unattractive to women too. Whenever I see a woman saying a man is physically attractive it’s almost always when the guy is either in top tier physique, the conventionally attractive tall, dark, handsome type, or they are hung.
We see all different types being desired by men—look at dating apps and how women will have endless match opportunities but the only guys I know who have the same experience are the aforementioned type described above.
My current partner says she finds me attractive, but I struggle to fully embrace that because my type is very rarely ever pointed to as desirable or hot or sexy, etc.
For me, it’s hard not to feel like there are physically desirable/attractive types of men and then the rest who are all lumped in together. It’s hard to feel hot when you’re being told you’re desirable for the same reasons someone you feel is a lot less attractive than you, someone who puts no effort into their looks, and the thing that makes you more attractive than him is the fact that you have a good personality. Makes me feel no better physically than any other guy, like I’m just as attractive as the least attractive guy, the only thing separating us is personality

Ever hear the saying, "Beauty is only skin deep?" Ever hear the longer version, "Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone?"

Think of this: those physically attractive guys? Tall, hung, good-looking face? Just what did they do to get any of that? Not a damn thing. Luck of the genetic draw. Keeping in shape, maybe some credit for that, but even there genetics plays a part.

Personality, on the other hand - that is something you do have a choice about. An ugly personality - that does indeed go to the bone. So if a woman tells you that she wants you for your personality, something you DID have a choice about instead of something that (plastic surgery aside) nobody gets to choose - for heaven's sake, take some well-deserved pride in that!

[ey****]

1 hour ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

 

Out of curiosity , why do you think we never hear people say “i wish his/mine wasn’t so big”?

you're literally replying to someone who has literally said that. It's also not like people write "I wish his was bigger" about their partners either

Though, if a guy was genuinely concerned his was too big - that he knew it had caused issues with partners - would they discuss it openly on a forum like this? It has chance to either be off-putting to potential partners, whilst also seeming like a humble brag or not taken seriously.

 

 

[ey****]

56 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

I’ve been struggling with feeling unattractive to women too.

Sadly, it's not uncommon.   A lot of folk get insecurities. I guess what I learnt over kinda time is - you can't do anything about your face..... I was gonna say, or body, but folk can work out if that's a route they want to go down - but can do stuff about being a good person and so on.

Someone where the only thing they've got going for them is their looks or the bank balance might be more... desirable... for short term hook ups, but if that's all they have to offer they're going to be ultimately unfulfilled.

58 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

My current partner says she finds me attractive, but I struggle to fully embrace that because my type is very rarely ever pointed to as desirable or hot or sexy, etc.

I can empathise there greatly also!

59 minutes ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

We see all different types being desired by men—look at dating apps and how women will have endless match opportunities but the only guys I know who have the same experience are the aforementioned type described above.

I think some stuff on dating apps skews things - aside from the bad habits men sometimes have with 'overswiping' (be it swiping on too many profiles on matching apps, or messaging too many people on other sites) despite the.... varied tastes... men have there'd still be various patterns in who is getting the most likes, or most likes from different demographics.   As men, we might not notice this as much because we're not comparing ourselves to women (or, when we do, not fairly) I guess if 100 men were shown the same 100 profiles of women and told they could ONLY select 10 of them - not every profile would be selected and some would get 90+ selections. If they were told they could only select 5 - then yep, a lot more would not get selected and some would get 80+.   Mind in either pattern one thing that couldn't be ruled out is men using these picks tactically - there was one guy on here who said his strategy was to reach out to women who were older and/or "overweight" as he felt they'd get fewer messages and be more insecure!  Admitting that went down as about as well as you'd expect.

Which is of course the same kinda patterns men notice women doing that it appears some men deemed more attractive get more likes/matches cos that's what happens when people make fewer swipes.

I guess a point here is that let's not pretend, particularly online, that folk wouldn't do the same.    

[mi****]

I think a lot of people don't realize 5in is average. Girth is also where it is at I rather feel stretched than poked.

[Ed****]

29 minutes ago, milwaukee38928 said:

I think a lot of people don't realize 5in is average. Girth is also where it is at I rather feel stretched than poked.

If 5” were the average 50% of the penises out there would be less than 5”.

Is that true?

[cellofello]

33 minutes ago, Ed_the_Great said:

If 5” were the average 50% of the penises out there would be less than 5”.

Is that true?

Not quite. The median is the point where you can make two groups where half are at or above, and half at or below. Although the word "average" is normally used to refer to the arithmetic mean - the sum of all measurements divided by the number of measurements - in this case the figure is probably the median.

To illustrate the difference: the median net worth for a US household is $192,900, but the average (arithmetic mean) is $1.06 million due to extreme outliers like Elon Musk. However, unlike Elon's extremely hung stock portfolio, there is no man with an outlier dick that is 2,000 feet long. :)

[ey****]

34 minutes ago, Ed_the_Great said:

 

If 5” were the average 50% of the penises out there would be less than 5”.

Is that true?

that's not how averages work

If one person is 1", another is 2" and another is 12" then the average penis size is 5" but 66% are less than 5"

Likewise if one person is 2" and another 6" and another is 7" then the average is 5" but only 33% are less than 5"

[ey****]

But yes, the average penis size is 5.16" when erect.  

[Wi****]

I know 1 thing.. I might have a needle d**k but I can f**k like a sewing machine 😂

[ta****]

7 hours ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

Out of curiosity , why do you think we never hear people say “i wish his/mine wasn’t so big”?

Sorry??? Probably because partners don't want to create an insecurity. However I have had to tell partners to do more foreplay to loosen it up first because they were too big and it hurt. --- saying something like "I wish they weren't so big" never occurred to me because providing more foreplay is obviously the first option..... Now if we're talking about oral, that is different. You will hear your partner say "I wish you weren't so big" if you're above average. Choking/gagging is entirely different than intercourse.

[ta****]

7 hours ago, MisterSatisfaction said:

Out of curiosity , why do you think we never hear people say “i wish his/mine wasn’t so big”?

Now that I'm thinking of it, I have heard men lament the largeness also. Apparently it makes underwears uncomfortable and the fit of pants awkward. 🤷---- sometimes I lament my breast size and wish they were bigger. But my body is made the way it was intended, flaws and all. I can only hope that other folks with physical insecurities can also learn to see and appreciate the unique beauty their body has to offer.

[Ed****]

Hah hah but how many little penises have to cancel out a huge one?

[Ge****]

That was kinda the code I lived by for so many years though. “If she can’t find you attractive she should at least find you useful”.

Ended up not being the best motto.

[Hu****]

Your post is about men wanting to feel desired, not just useful. I understand that. But even the reassurance you describe still centers sex on performance: whether a man’s body is attractive enough or whether he can use it well enough.

It sounds crazy…butthe way I experience women, we often approach pleasure with the kind of clarity men describe after orgasm. I’ve said it feels like being in post nut clarity all the time. We aren’t trying to complete a goal or figure out whether someone is winning. We’re present, noticing what feels good, and connecting with the person we’re with. That includes desiring his body, not just appreciating what it can do.

I’m not invalidating your feelings. I’m saying that being judged or ranked for your performance isn’t how women relate to pleasure and connection, at least in my experience. Unless, we feel unsafe. I’d encourage you to focus on the answers in this thread that help you understand women and build connection with them, rather than the ones that categorize women in ways that can feel hurtful.

[Ya****]

I've always felt small so i made up for it in other ways, mainly foreplay and service, all my partners finish first and i've never had complaints

[da****]

All people need to feel desired! But that statement it matters how you use it…I don’t know…I think if you are under average and insecure about it that’s a problem especially if you are trying to hook up. Attitude, personality and getting into a woman’s mind is “chefs kiss”! Yes we all have our preferences but in my mind that can be easy to overcome with women. There are toys and other things to employ. You can have the perfect everything and terrible approach/presentation/attitude and I won’t want to touch you. On the other hand you can have a lot less than perfect, great approach, attitude that feeds into my desires and I’ll be yours.

[Ne****]

12 hours ago, HummingB said:

Your post is about men wanting to feel desired, not just useful. I understand that. But even the reassurance you describe still centers sex on performance: whether a man’s body is attractive enough or whether he can use it well enough.

It sounds crazy…butthe way I experience women, we often approach pleasure with the kind of clarity men describe after orgasm. I’ve said it feels like being in post nut clarity all the time. We aren’t trying to complete a goal or figure out whether someone is winning. We’re present, noticing what feels good, and connecting with the person we’re with. That includes desiring his body, not just appreciating what it can do.

I’m not invalidating your feelings. I’m saying that being judged or ranked for your performance isn’t how women relate to pleasure and connection, at least in my experience. Unless, we feel unsafe. I’d encourage you to focus on the answers in this thread that help you understand women and build connection with them, rather than the ones that categorize women in ways that can feel hurtful.

I just wanna say I absolutely envy the ability to access post nut clarity while you're still in the mood.
Although it's a little less about performance, I think, and about what precedes it.
Think of it this way: guys are often in a state of competition with themselves about partners. Because at the end of the day, we don't pick women, they pick us. So even if we're the only option presented, when we fail to get with someone, our first reflex is to wonder where we went wrong and how we can correct that.
It's a hell of a state of mind to be in and one that is difficult to exit. Even if we care more about our partner than we do about our own pleasure, we want to know how we did. And there are things we can't really change.
So rather than "it's how you use it", even with the best of intentions, framing it as "you gave me a fantastic experience and your dick wasn't even 10% of why" or something like that would get to us much more. Because it validates our effort, it tells us that yes, our bodies pleased you, and that it was neither one was the be-all end-all aspect of why.
Not sure if that made sense.

[Ne****]

18 hours ago, tater_tots said:

Now that I'm thinking of it, I have heard men lament the largeness also. Apparently it makes underwears uncomfortable and the fit of pants awkward. 🤷---- sometimes I lament my breast size and wish they were bigger. But my body is made the way it was intended, flaws and all. I can only hope that other folks with physical insecurities can also learn to see and appreciate the unique beauty their body has to offer.

I have that problem with boots. My calves are too large so I can't find boots that fit.
Ill-fitting pants isn't just a problem for the well-endowed, either.

[Ed****]

This is the best topic by far that I have found on here. lol.

I love all of the perspectives. I once screwed up in the military and had to go to the urine drug test administration course as punishment. I then proceeded to have to run 550 dudes through drug urine test as the only cock watcher. lol

The juvenile aspect of punishment in the military was one of the best parts of being in the army before 9/11. Most times they just thought of the most horrific detail or duty for you to do and then dismissed you, instead of judicially punishing you, and ruining your career.

Anyway, I had thought I was small. Based off of watching porn and also just insecurity and lack of knowledge. But that detail. The having to watch 550 dudes *** into a cup…

Of course these were not erect but it was overwhelming enlightening to my own endowment.

The overwhelming image after that many….

A little egg in a nest. Very few were hanging outside that nest.

Even the men of darker descent.

Porn ruins everything really.

[ey****]

5 hours ago, Nerddasespadad said:

Because at the end of the day, we don't pick women, they pick us

This is something I'd find wildly concerning.   Cos like it gives the impression we're not picky (even if some men aren't) and would settle for anything.  Or take whatever we could get.  

Perhaps when wondering what went wrong - the signs probably were this should have been something we'd not pursued in the first place.

5 hours ago, Nerddasespadad said:

So rather than "it's how you use it", even with the best of intentions, framing it as "you gave me a fantastic experience and your dick wasn't even 10% of why" or something like that would get to us much more. Because it validates our effort, it tells us that yes, our bodies pleased you, and that it was neither one was the be-all end-all aspect of why.

There's big problems I'm aware some men make. And one of the biggest ones is treating sex as simple Penis in Vagina.   Like, in those cases - yeah, it might be something like penis size matters cos it's what the guy has reduced sex to

The ONLY reason for the "it's about what you do with it" convo to come up is because the guy is talking about his dick and reducing the experience down to it.    The "what you do with it" in itself being about the whole experience, and not just PIV.   

[Ki****]

I think the best way to get a woman’s attention is respect her listen to her remember what she said call out other men’s bad behavior and protect her you do that and she’ll probably keep you around forever

[si****]

Tuesday at 06:15 AM, brightonlady58666 said:

Thank you for sharing your views on feelimg desired from male perspective. Both of you are absolutely correct. I can relate as a woman. Touch and kind words are so important. Size doesn't matter comment.... men seem to want to say they are not a porn star. For likely most women average is the best. Gspot is only a few inches in... there yah go size does not matter. Truth. Men tend to put themelves down too quickly. Personality, kindness, smiles, eye contact, flirt are huge for most relationships. I totally can relate on when words hurt. Bodies are not perfect. Be kind. You never know what words are said which can impact a person. Thank you both for putting this out there. Be yourself. Do not change. Confidence is the sexiest quality. Flirt n tease with your partners. It does not need to be sexual.

I am MISSING flirt part. But I do like to TEASE. I have fun and aim to PLEASE!!! Does that count. Is it equivalent? I never give up. I think I am a "HOPEFUL ROMANTIC ".

[mb****]

Wednesday at 03:02 PM, MisterSatisfaction said:

Out of curiosity , why do you think we never hear people say “i wish his/mine wasn’t so big”?

I have said that ifs too big twice in my life

[it****]

As my name states, it does matter

[Se****]

Men definitely want to be desired and deserve so. They do approach and achieve differently though. Physical attraction is initially important to most females but long-term is personal and through communication. Most men fall in love with physical easily and value that more throughout the relationship. That's just basic facts and norm but not guaranteed for everyone.