Words vs Action

[wb****]

When should enough be enough?

He says he wants to spend time together.
He says he wants to get to know me.
He says he likes me.

He has a preexisting play partner/friend (she likes me & wants to be friends). I know my wants and needs are going to come second. In the last 12 days he has spent one evening with me and part of that was all 3 of us for an event. Where as I know he has seen the other partner at least 5 times 4 just them. Saturday I told him a was having a hard day and ask to spend time with him. (I’m mostly a little) Spending time with my safe person makes me feel better.
He couldn’t because he was spending time with her. I understand preexisting plans and that she was first, he saw her Sunday too.

Sunday I finally worked up the nerve to say was I needed, after a LOT of tears. I told him I feel like a third wheel, like an afterthought. That if between work, events and her to let me know now if finding time for me was to much. Because I don’t want to be / can’t handle being a once in a while partner. The little needs time, messages, phones calls, something that shows I’m wanted.
He says he wants to spend time with me but his “availability goes up and down because of work.” But he has time to see her close to every other day.

I’ve been an emotional reck and crying myself to sleep. I really like him. I love how safe I feel with him, how he saw my little before I even showed it and treated me as a little right away.

I have messages him at all yet today, I also haven’t heard from him. Whereas she told me he messages her every morning.

What would you do?
See where things go in the next week?
Call it and walk away?
Am I just being jealous and need to suck it up i should have know what I was getting into?

[aw****]

This feeling you have is exactly why I avoid couples and would only consider poly relationships if I was the main (though very doubtful). I would feel the same way, counting days, obsessing over details, setting and ignoring my own boundaries, spiraling for attention.

Reading your post, this situation would make me feel forgotten, overlooked, unimportant, and an afterthought. Which would demolish my self esteem. As a sub/little who values quality time, I think this is a recipe for disaster.

The attention aspect is a very important aspect of the dynamic and he is unable to provide that for you. Regardless of his words, mentioned desires, or intentions...he is unable to provide your foundational needs in order to feel safe, respected, heard, and cared for.

I would say, regardless of how ideal he is, reality is that your realities do not align and moving on will save your sense of self.

Good luck girly. Remember you are worthy. ❤️

[co****]

Sorry but it sounds like deeper “feelings” are in full swing . Only my opinion but for what it’s worth, have you openly and honestly talked with him about how you are feeling in regards the relationship dynamic, what you want, what he wants and where you ea would like it to go from NOW? The biggest glaring thing Insee is a lack of communication. Communication in Amy relationship as ESPECIALLY a nontraditional one it’s even more important. That’s the true story here. Instead of coming out here, asking for advice or input or perspective just go right to the source and keep it at the source every time 

[Da****]

Commenting out of curiosity for the replies

[Jo****]

Speaking from a healthy poly perspective; it sounds like hes not trying to make time for you, or maybe he doesn’t know how to handle non-monogamous relationships well. You are allowed to have needs, sounds like theyre reasonable needs for a relationship, but those needs aren’t being met, and it sounds like you two have already established that he intends to fill those needs (if you two have not established that, then I’d say that’s the issue, being on different pages for relationship expectations). Clearly he’s choosing to make time for and put in the effort for one partner. So why is he not doing so for you?
Theres a possibility that his other partner could be demanding of his time and manipulative and doesn’t like to let him take time to see others, in which case, definitely not worth sticking around.
.
Tbh, if i was in your position, it wouldn’t matter why, i might give him one last chance to live up to things, but deuces if he drops that ball again. There’s someone out there who will make the effort.
My partner and i have been together for nearly 5 years, we still sit and talk about need fulfillment both regarding each other and our other partners.
.
And a note from my own experience:
It can also be hard for a new partner when they get with someone who has a long term established partner, to feel like they’re equal to that long term partner, even when they’re being given the effort and time. I had a former partner who i was living with n spending most of my time with, had such insecurities towards my long term partner who i only saw maybe once a week n didnt text a lot; because he was constantly focusing on the inequality of how me n LTP had been together longer. So make sure youre not comparing yourself to his other partner in THAT sort of way, because thats just not a factor that can be changed.
But it is reasonable to look at time hes making for the other partner that he doesn’t make for you, and compare how he treats you.
Remember that, at its core, jealousy as an emotion is there to tell you that your needs aren’t being fulfilled.

[ma****]

sounds like youre going in with your emotional needs and baggage being made to be immediately the other persons responsibility. you should find that stable ground within yourself, and all your relationships will thank you

[ma****]

jealousy stems more often than not from self worth and self actualization being projected on your *** of replacement or your inadequacy being superseded by the other people your person might get with… obviously if youre less than 100% killin it at life , then you might feel wary of your stability in that role for them. But once you see the value in your innate personality and what you bring to the table in the relationship, you will find that it is irreplaceable and there’s no reason to think that someone else might take your place at least not for that reason.

[ma****]

but this is someone that you just met that you’re talking about above there is no place for your jealousy or your needs, you should be entering into a relationship from a stable place of being already, not a place of lack. especially if you’re going to have to learn how to share time with somebody who’s already got that person‘s attention and history. I dare say that if somebody wanted to try to date me and then immediately started to show me these signals I would say that’s a major red flag for me personally and I hope that you can hear me out and think about this in a way that is notdetrimental to yourself image but rather I’m encouraging you to be strong in your independence so that you may not have to worry about what the other person is doing with their primary partner

[Da****]

No, it does not sound like you're being jealous.It sounds like you were told one thing , and you're getting a whole nother and if he's not gonna put his part into it , then you shouldn't I understand that's 3 of you, but if he can't make time fo one-on-one withh each of you. Then why is he even doing this cause somebody's gonna get hurt

[co****]

Caught feelings . Communication is key if you’re not communicating it’s never gonna work. How are you? Ask him instead of posting up on here that will be much more direct 

[ch****]

Communication and follow through are key. Even if one of you makes a first real step ... In the words of the great DMX "TALK IS CHEAP MUTHA FATHA!!!"

[sh****]

He just doesn't value you, he is leading you on because being so desired makes him feel good. Just end things how you best see fit, but definitely end them because look at what you're getting out of it. ***, anxiety, self doubt, all things you did not sign up for.

[wb****]

13 hours ago, coupleforfun518 said:

Sorry but it sounds like deeper “feelings” are in full swing . Only my opinion but for what it’s worth, have you openly and honestly talked with him about how you are feeling in regards the relationship dynamic, what you want, what he wants and where you ea would like it to go from NOW? The biggest glaring thing Insee is a lack of communication. Communication in Amy relationship as ESPECIALLY a nontraditional one it’s even more important. That’s the true story here. Instead of coming out here, asking for advice or input or perspective just go right to the source and keep it at the source every time 

I have, that was when I got the response that he want to get to know me better, spend time just us BUT his availability fluctuates cuz of work.

[u-6a1379509f386]

I had this happen, where I had to finally walk away from the person completely, even though they were involved in many aspects of my life, and they meant more to me than anyone ever has. A collection of beautiful moments does not equal a relationship. it slowly eats away at you. and then finally, you reach a point where the *** of staying is greater than the *** of losing them. I suggest choosing peace, and give the opportunity for new, maybe more fulfilling relationships

[Fl****]

Your needs are not being met. Regardless of the reasons, this relationship is not satisfying your soul. What we would do is irrelevant. Ultimately, you must decide the path you will take. Whatever you do, do it for the love of yourself. ❤️

[ChocolateRopeBunny]

Did you two/three discuss roles? Sounds like you're looking for a caregiver or Daddy and that is not a role he can nor wants to fulfill. As someone stated earlier the other partner could be jealous/manipulating him and playing it off as innocent because why tell you how much times he's spending with her knowing you aren't getting any? That's an unnecessary wedge being driven into things. Only you can decide when you've had enough of words and actions not aligning. At some point you have to care about your emotional well being to put you first. If you won't how can you expect anyone else to?

[ch****]

Its gonna hurt and be really hard, but walk away. You deserve your safe person and someone that's going to make time to reassure you🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

[Starbucket]

Walk away! If he isn't willing to spend a fraction of his time with you as he does her, its not worth it. Its only going to hurt more the longer you hold on. Save your heart. Prove that you aren't a 3rd wheel. That you're an entire being and have wants and needs. If the space between holds any value to him and or her. The space will become not so much of a canyon. Time unfortunately is what defies everything we hold dear and ***. Keep your head up. Your beautiful and worth more than what you aren't getting.

[Ju****]

Too many fish in the ocean to settle for one

[TripleXHexxx]

If. He. Wanted. To. He. Would.

Find someone who will and leave him alone. Be prepared for him to keep coming back because they always do. Don't let him. Leave room for people who are worth it.

[co****]

If he doesn’t value you in the beginning, he’s not gonna value you later. It’s not gonna get any better and only gets worse

[ch****]

Good convo... hello room :)

[ch****]

What about the opposite side if the fence when ladies ask for a dozen pictures or interview you to death by asking "tell me about yourself" like a yob interview. Whats the limit? Any subtle nuances?

[co****]

If it’s always about *** or things, I think that’s a red flag

[Deleted Member]

This is exactly why I can never be with a couple again for any substantial amount of time. Once my feelings get involved it’s hard for me not to be jealous. Your feelings are totally valid. If it were me, I would do my best to step away. Even if he starts to give you more attention, you’ll always have the thought of being a 3rd wheel in your mind.

You deserve someone who wants to see you every second of every day. ❤️❤️