When Protection Feels Like Rejection

[an****]

Have you ever had someone feel offended, dirty, or undesirable because you wanted to use a condom? Or some other safety boundaries? How did you handle their emotions without compromising your own boundaries?

I recently experienced this (condom use was offensive). Miss, your being offended is a huge red flag 🤣.

I reassured her that using protection was not a reflection of how I viewed her, but simply a boundary I maintain for my own safety.

Rather than continuing sexually, I gave affection, reassurance, and aftercare. I wanted her to feel valued without compromising my own safety.

How do you support someone who feels rejected by a boundary?

[gr****]

Say you aren't trying to get anyone knocked up yet. Take emphasis off of risk of sti and make it more about not having long term impacts.

[Da****]

Sounds like a good reason to stop having sec with her to me. Don’t you want to meet someone you can trust to have your best interests at heart? Surely the sex will be way better if your mind is not wondering if your boundaries are not the only thing she plans to devalue. Be safe and know who your dealing with

[Qu****]

Ya, just last night. Like bye

[Da****]

1 hour ago, green-bay80123 said:

Say you aren't trying to get anyone knocked up yet. Take emphasis off of risk of sti and make it more about not having long term impacts.

But then what’s your argument if they are on contraception and the risk of pregnancy is already removed?

[Shilo66]

To be honest, STDs, are a big deal for me. So, at the vetting stage, if a lady is reluctant to get herself checked out, then I'm no longer interested. Likewise, if she refuses full stop, or fails to declare - (certain things we can work around, so long as she's honest about them at the start).
Also, if during the time period that I'm with her and for some/whatever reason I feel the need to start wearing a condom, then I'm not going to be having sex with her, and I will tell her straight as to why I've decided to stop the sex.
Too many people, inexplicably to me, tend to fight their gut instincts and ignore red flags... usually at their peril. Instead, they should pause, and talk about what it is that has made them feel uneasy.
So, if you can't, or, find it difficult to have that kind of conversation with your partner, then the relationship /dynamic really isn't worth it... In my opinion.

Edited Tuesday at 07:04 AM by Shilo66

[Fu****]

Hard limits are hard limits and dont require justification or explanation

[Qu****]

4 hours ago, Quimbo91 said:

Ya, just last night. Like bye

Meant to say The Other Night, and by other night I mean a month ago. And I had Bye behind Like🙄 This app goofy sometimes

[Qu****]

4 hours ago, Danni44 said:

But then what’s your argument if they are on contraception and the risk of pregnancy is already removed?

It's protection from alot more than parenthood

[Da****]

1 minute ago, Quimbo91 said:

It's protection from alot more than parenthood

That’s my point.

[Sp****]

Mine is my fluids... I have to shower... Like seconds after orgasm.. Condom or not.. I can't describe it.. So I have had partners feel I was washing "them" off of me.. When it's me.. Not them...

[an****]

7 hours ago, Danni44 said:

But then what’s your argument if they are on contraception and the risk of pregnancy is already removed?

Exactly, this was the case, IUD and recent check up. So my concerns were immediately countered.

[sh****]

I wouldn't deal with that at all. My safety and security comes first, and a partner that does not validate your choice to be safe, even extra safe in the presence of tests and other forms of bc, is not a safe, trustworthy, or properly empathetic partner and does not deserve access to me. It's as simple as that.

[m0****]

Well, communication is key. If she's offended by you practicing safe sex, it's definitely somewhat of a red flag. Well, more of a yellow flag because I'd wanna talk about how and why and what happened that she thinks that way. Cause simply setting boundaries and making her take these boundaries can result in exactly that situation. Both parts gotta talk about boundaries. And if someone has a problem with one of them, go thru it together. Maybe that's a deal breaker but it's better to break a deal than to have sex with someone not feeling good about certain things.

[we****]

Ok first, before you do anything without a condom is know you are good and their has been times I required proof to play. The thing with me is that I fixed and can't have anymore oops soi prefer without and since STDs are my only concern then I will set a boundary in this and if you have good communication with that person you both have the understanding of you start sleeping with others and unprotected then the dynamic swaps. So don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to protect yourself and the potential partner at the same time.

[Mr****]

There's a lot of excuse-making and deceptive workaround in the comments that I wouldn't take to heart or bear in mind. You did the right thing, bud—and that includes protecting yourself.

[Pe****]

Stand on business. If you try to emotionally manipulate me to not use protection I’m instantly turned off. I don’t “support” or provide aftercare to people who disrespect me period.

[an****]

24 minutes ago, MrDDS said:

There's a lot of excuse-making and deceptive workaround in the comments that I wouldn't take to heart or bear in mind. You did the right thing, bud—and that includes protecting yourself.

I appreciate the sentiment, the comments are straying. Thank you.

Possibly this is too consent sensitive of a topic.

No comment actually answered the question. Maybe you can.

I'm not bending my boundary. Safety is important and allowed. Period. I am asking what everyone does when your boundary causes negative emotions in your partner.

I am not defending her actions, her response to my boundary was unacceptable, but in the moment I was handling her emotions as gently as I could. I separated my boundary from her experience and dealt with care and aftercare.

I don't know what caused the reaction nor was it something I tolerate regardless of the cause, hard limit.

I would like to know what others have done in this situation, not to hold the boundary, what they did to support the emotional collapse of their partner when your boundary triggered them?

It's trickier than just having a sub overwhelmed with a scene when the thing that triggered them wasn't sex that can be stopped it is the entire person who is now trying to regulate their emotions they blame you for instead of blaming a scene or act. That's different. It's like helping a tangled deer that sees you as the trapper.

[an****]

12 minutes ago, PenelopeGarcia said:

Stand on business. If you try to emotionally manipulate me to not use protection I’m instantly turned off. I don’t “support” or provide aftercare to people who disrespect me period.

It's ike you read my message before I posted it 🤣 thank you for answering the question!!!!

[Mr****]

22 minutes ago, anotherusername said:

I appreciate the sentiment, the comments are straying. Thank you.

Possibly this is too consent sensitive of a topic.

No comment actually answered the question. Maybe you can.

I'm not bending my boundary. Safety is important and allowed. Period. I am asking what everyone does when your boundary causes negative emotions in your partner.

I am not defending her actions, her response to my boundary was unacceptable, but in the moment I was handling her emotions as gently as I could. I separated my boundary from her experience and dealt with care and aftercare.

I don't know what caused the reaction nor was it something I tolerate regardless of the cause, hard limit.

I would like to know what others have done in this situation, not to hold the boundary, what they did to support the emotional collapse of their partner when your boundary triggered them?

It's trickier than just having a sub overwhelmed with a scene when the thing that triggered them wasn't sex that can be stopped it is the entire person who is now trying to regulate their emotions they blame you for instead of blaming a scene or act. That's different. It's like helping a tangled deer that sees you as the trapper.

Perhaps my experience will be of use to you. I've historically run all four of the possible paths here:

1. I've broken my own rules (and consider my un***hed emergence "good dumb luck");

2. I've held boundaries with deception (personal weakness—*** of consequences that one hopefully learns from and grows out of);

3. I've held my boundary with a sort of indignance (the "why would you even ask that" sort of snobbery—nobody has time for that, first of all, and while you have the right to hold your line you *don't* have the right to be disrespectful to someone whose gaffe may have been born of the insecurity and need for reassurance that you mentioned);

4. I've held my boundary from the perspective that it wasn't really that egregious of an ask (you may think this is my position, but it really does depend on the person—manipulators are quite real and quite willing to be hands-on with their exploits).

I can't answer the question directly, but I'll give an informed ranking which may help you. I'd default to 4, and be quite willing to go all the way to 3 at the first sign of manipulation attempt. Don't damage your nature with 2; don't damage your body with 1. Hope that helps.

[ChocolateRopeBunny]

Yesterday at 03:17 AM, Dangerotica said:

Sounds like a good reason to stop having sec with her to me. Don’t you want to meet someone you can trust to have your best interests at heart? Surely the sex will be way better if your mind is not wondering if your boundaries are not the only thing she plans to devalue. Be safe and know who your dealing with

All of this.

[an****]

2 hours ago, MrDDS said:

Perhaps my experience will be of use to you. I've historically run all four of the possible paths here:

1. I've broken my own rules (and consider my un***hed emergence "good dumb luck");

2. I've held boundaries with deception (personal weakness—*** of consequences that one hopefully learns from and grows out of);

3. I've held my boundary with a sort of indignance (the "why would you even ask that" sort of snobbery—nobody has time for that, first of all, and while you have the right to hold your line you *don't* have the right to be disrespectful to someone whose gaffe may have been born of the insecurity and need for reassurance that you mentioned);

4. I've held my boundary from the perspective that it wasn't really that egregious of an ask (you may think this is my position, but it really does depend on the person—manipulators are quite real and quite willing to be hands-on with their exploits).

I can't answer the question directly, but I'll give an informed ranking which may help you. I'd default to 4, and be quite willing to go all the way to 3 at the first sign of manipulation attempt. Don't damage your nature with 2; don't damage your body with 1. Hope that helps.

It does. Thank you. I appreciate your time and effort with this. You make a lot of good points.

[sp****]

It’s unclear if this situation happened between D/s partners, or equals in the relationship. I will share my experience as a sub that has experienced this from both sides. I set a boundary that the other person felt wasn’t “fair”. I heard them out but I still held the boundary, and when it wasn’t met a second time I had to stop connecting with that person.

From the other side, having a partner with a boundary that made me feel uncared for- I wish they had handled it the way you did! I think you did it right by reassuring them, and showing affection and aftercare. That would have made me feel understood and valued even if their boundary wasn’t what I preferred. The communication afterwards would have made a world of difference.

[me****]

Anyone that can not respect your desire for safely is not the right person to be involved in your life.

[wa****]

I can only sight the fact that had you both engaged in open communication with each os