When Protection Feels Like Rejection

[an****]

1 hour ago, warbmanz said:

I can only sight the fact that had you both engaged in open communication with each os

Please explain.

[sh****]

Wednesday at 11:34 AM, anotherusername said:

I appreciate the sentiment, the comments are straying. Thank you.

Possibly this is too consent sensitive of a topic.

No comment actually answered the question. Maybe you can.

I'm not bending my boundary. Safety is important and allowed. Period. I am asking what everyone does when your boundary causes negative emotions in your partner.

I am not defending her actions, her response to my boundary was unacceptable, but in the moment I was handling her emotions as gently as I could. I separated my boundary from her experience and dealt with care and aftercare.

I don't know what caused the reaction nor was it something I tolerate regardless of the cause, hard limit.

I would like to know what others have done in this situation, not to hold the boundary, what they did to support the emotional collapse of their partner when your boundary triggered them?

It's trickier than just having a sub overwhelmed with a scene when the thing that triggered them wasn't sex that can be stopped it is the entire person who is now trying to regulate their emotions they blame you for instead of blaming a scene or act. That's different. It's like helping a tangled deer that sees you as the trapper.

This is a different experience depending on how close you are to the partner and honestly gender. For me, a woman, when a man has balked at wearing a condom, it has only ever been with first time short term, or single time partners. I shut it down hard and cold, there is no room for gentleness or care of their "feelings" about it because they will take any opening at all to try to push that boundary and as the sub and a woman, that is highly dangerous for me. I can't and won't care about their "feelings" about it because their feelings are just a toddler temper tantrum about how it's unfair and "come on just this one time" and "are you serious? Ugh!".

But for your situation it sounds like you did the right thing for a sub you have more of a bond with. You explained why, gave her reassurance, made her still feel desired without compromising your boundary. But ultimately, a person's negative feelings towards a boundary you have set are NOT your problem to deal with. They have to work through and manage those emotions on their own. You can't do it for them because like you said, they see you as the cause of their problem. You did what you could in the moment, but ultimately it's on them to put in the work, or not.

[an****]

4 hours ago, shyandspooky93 said:

This is a different experience depending on how close you are to the partner and honestly gender. For me, a woman, when a man has balked at wearing a condom, it has only ever been with first time short term, or single time partners. I shut it down hard and cold, there is no room for gentleness or care of their "feelings" about it because they will take any opening at all to try to push that boundary and as the sub and a woman, that is highly dangerous for me. I can't and won't care about their "feelings" about it because their feelings are just a toddler temper tantrum about how it's unfair and "come on just this one time" and "are you serious? Ugh!".

But for your situation it sounds like you did the right thing for a sub you have more of a bond with. You explained why, gave her reassurance, made her still feel desired without compromising your boundary. But ultimately, a person's negative feelings towards a boundary you have set are NOT your problem to deal with. They have to work through and manage those emotions on their own. You can't do it for them because like you said, they see you as the cause of their problem. You did what you could in the moment, but ultimately it's on them to put in the work, or not.

I hear what you are saying and I will concede a bit to your thoughts. I wrote this asking for insight on how to soften the damage others receive as they throw themselves against our boundary. Like playmats for a temper tantrum instead of just a hard floor. While neither is good at correcting the underlying issue. One causes more damage and one doesn't allow damage but neither produces core growth. I appreciate this insight.

A similar situation was a different partner (only a few months) who one day twisted my definition of the word 'lazy' (not joking) and assigned it to herself then complained about me and my beliefs for 30 minutes as I finished her massage. I tried to correct her understanding once then stayed silent for the remainder. Then I asked her to leave before being intimate and to not spend the night. I explained my reasoning a couple times then I ended up leaving my house for 2 hours before she eventually agreed to leave.

(for context I even defined 'lazy' as someone who knows how to achieve their goals, has the skills and resources, and decides not to put in the effort. Not as a bad thing, just as a 'we are all 'lazy' about something thing'. I wasn't ever talking about her or anyone else, it was about general goals)

Still she was triggered, so I tried to soften the let down that came with my holding a boundary of not being spoken to the way she was for 30 minutes (while I was physically putting effort into her 🤣 with massage) the whole situation was wild. And her reactions and refusal to leave my house supported my boundary and many others.

Yoga instructor, high emotional intelligence, smart, does energy work, didn't have any tells that the night was going to go off, but that's the scariest part. Like this whole hidden box of triggers we all keep closed until we finally get comfortable and share and then it sucks because you have this connection and you want them to also love your crazy, that's all you want, and they don't, and that sucks. It sucked, she was fun.

People hurt and I am not a fan of letting people crashout without a crashmat, especially when I am the pole, but yeah, you are right, it's not helping them or me without adding the mess of ridiculous conversation and back and forth tantrum management, but I also don't need/want to be the hard lesson, it's not what I want for me, being gentle is part of who I am. Go learn how to behave somewhere else, this is a house of rules and growth not a daycare.

It's just always the challenge of, we all deserve love, and boundaries are part of that love, to someone who doesn't understand love or boundaries.