Entering a dynamic

[77****]

If not its just another form of infidelity

[Stilllife82]

Well, are you referring to modern kink or traditional BDSM?

The etiquette is not the same.

In modern kink (Feeld, kinktok, etc…), it is a copy paste of vanilla dating, the algorithm choose for you, aesthtetics over depth and safety, transaction over transformation, fetish first safety later.

In traditional BDSM most of the time the sub petitioned to be at the service of a Dom(me).

You can definitely be in multiple at once, some BDSM houses integrate power structures that are flexible with the participants but they still have a clear hierarchy.

The difficulty occurs (due to the verticality of power exchange), when a sub has 2 Doms, Dom A say white, Dom B says black which color the sub is going to go?

Also people use bottom and submissive, top and dom interchangeably, by lack of humility, ignorance or confusion, those are not the same and never were.

Hope that helps.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, MuffinMan1123 said:

This is a great thread!!
Agreed always mutual understanding of limits and desires first.
The trust is started of course when either side has taken the step to offer initial interaction but it can be either side.
It will always depend on the 2 personalities interacting.
Could be a date first that builds the kinky tension.
I like a dom politely offering as I do…
“when your ready reach out to me and just say …daddy I need you…”
then I feel the sub is comfortable and wanting to give themselves based on the connection.
Then open up with a meeting and initial interaction that fits the subs desires and allows trust and pleasure to grow.

Awwww that’s so sweet 🥺🥺

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Stilllife82 said:

Well, are you referring to modern kink or traditional BDSM?

The etiquette is not the same.

In modern kink (Feeld, kinktok, etc…), it is a copy paste of vanilla dating, the algorithm choose for you, aesthtetics over depth and safety, transaction over transformation, fetish first safety later.

In traditional BDSM most of the time the sub petitioned to be at the service of a Dom(me).

You can definitely be in multiple at once, some BDSM houses integrate power structures that are flexible with the participants but they still have a clear hierarchy.

The difficulty occurs (due to the verticality of power exchange), when a sub has 2 Doms, Dom A say white, Dom B says black which color the sub is going to go?

Also people use bottom and submissive, top and dom interchangeably, by lack of humility, ignorance or confusion, those are not the same and never were.

Hope that helps.

Yes! Thank you for taking the time to explain.

What are the differences between dom/top and bottom/submissive? I want to be sure I understand.

[st****]

It all depends on mutual consent, remember curiosity is what started it and exploration is continuous. The limits and boundaries are ever changing as we evolve as individuals, and so does the dynamic.
As for etiquettes
Safety
Rules
Rewards
Punishment
All mutually consented
As for who initiates, there's no 'always' to it, it is unique to each

[ge****]

It absolutely does not need to be initiated by the dominant (in fact doing so is wholly outside of a proper d/s dynamic) and there absolutely is a set of rules or rather there is a set of definitions. By definition, leaving the initiation to be the responsibility of the dominant is not submission. It puts the decision power of the dynamic into the submissive's hands. It also does so at the outset, which puts the entire relationship at a disadvantage as both the dominant and the submissive have to fight uphill in order to overcome the initial framing. The "dominant initiating" isn't d/s at all... it is vanilla, traditional gender roles and sexually repressed victorian era courtship carried over into the modern era. It is an area where standards fall drastically because as submissives succumb to laziness or regression to traditional norms, Dominants are left pursuing and it gets so bad that people forget the actual definitions entirely... and then they wonder why they have so many complaints.

Submissiveness is overwhelmingly mistaken for passiveness to the detriment of the submissive's true desires as well as those of the dominant as well as those of the entire bdsm culture and community and where there is plenty of discourse, diligence, attention, and studying around what it means to be a good Dominant, it seems to me that submissive’s studies, diligence and discourse is severely neglected. It seems as though the culture is working too hard to accommodate the submissives in order to attract them to the lifestyle, but in doing so it isn't doing them any favors. Kudos to the poster for posting a real question that pertains to this so that it can get the important attention that it deserves.

If a submissive wants a powerful and proper dynamic, then she/he should declare it and request it directly. This is not just at the outset but on an ongoing basis, the value and importance of it being the very power that enables deeper and deeper dynamics to unlock ever more meaningful experiences and dynamics (for example, it is particularly valuable and important to enabling and onlocking severe cnc).

Submissives should identify the Dominant that they wish to work with and then approach them by clearly stating their desires. If the Dominant responds in a manner that furthers the dynamic and then submissive responds in a manner that furthers the dynamic and so on, then the relationship will advance powerfully, and otherwise it will simply fail to be.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, gentleman_in_nyc said:

It absolutely does not need to be initiated by the dominant (in fact doing so is wholly outside of a proper d/s dynamic) and there absolutely is a set of rules or rather there is a set of definitions. By definition, leaving the initiation to be the responsibility of the dominant is not submission. It puts the decision power of the dynamic into the submissive's hands. It also does so at the outset, which puts the entire relationship at a disadvantage as both the dominant and the submissive have to fight uphill in order to overcome the initial framing. The "dominant initiating" isn't d/s at all... it is vanilla, traditional gender roles and sexually repressed victorian era courtship carried over into the modern era. It is an area where standards fall drastically because as submissives succumb to laziness or regression to traditional norms, Dominants are left pursuing and it gets so bad that people forget the actual definitions entirely... and then they wonder why they have so many complaints.

Submissiveness is overwhelmingly mistaken for passiveness to the detriment of the submissive's true desires as well as those of the dominant as well as those of the entire bdsm culture and community and where there is plenty of discourse, diligence, attention, and studying around what it means to be a good Dominant, it seems to me that submissive’s studies, diligence and discourse is severely neglected. It seems as though the culture is working too hard to accommodate the submissives in order to attract them to the lifestyle, but in doing so it isn't doing them any favors. Kudos to the poster for posting a real question that pertains to this so that it can get the important attention that it deserves.

If a submissive wants a powerful and proper dynamic, then she/he should declare it and request it directly. This is not just at the outset but on an ongoing basis, the value and importance of it being the very power that enables deeper and deeper dynamics to unlock ever more meaningful experiences and dynamics (for example, it is particularly valuable and important to enabling and onlocking severe cnc).

Submissives should identify the Dominant that they wish to work with and then approach them by clearly stating their desires. If the Dominant responds in a manner that furthers the dynamic and then submissive responds in a manner that furthers the dynamic and so on, then the relationship will advance powerfully, and otherwise it will simply fail to be.

Wow. You are phenomenal at explaining things. This makes so much sense! You answered not only “who initiates” but also gave me the why behind it. Thank you for taking the time and putting in the effort it took to fully explain this to me.

[Stilllife82]

9 hours ago, PrettyVice said:

Yes! Thank you for taking the time to explain.

What are the differences between dom/top and bottom/submissive? I want to be sure I understand.

Top: an individual who exchanges power consensually for a scene, bedroom, etc…there is time limit on it, the dynamic stays confined to those spaces.

Dominant: an individual who exchanges power consensually, but that dynamic exists also outside of scenes and the bedroom, influencing multiple areas of the submissive life up to 24/7 (24/7 means different thing for different people).

So a bottom only relinquishes control only for short time, during scenes or bedroom, while a sub relinquishes power in an outside scenes and the bedroom, in different areas of their lives up to 24/7.

People use those interchangeably, by ignorance, ego or misrepresentation.

The aesthetic of kink has been heavily commodified, the terms as well.

[Sheepy705]

Surely its about finding a kindred spirit. Or another person who thinks, feels and has needs like you do? Then there aren't any boundaries or rules as long as both have an affinity to the same anticipation. And then its mutual and open for both to explore and test each others limits. Its the adventure that spawns the essence of new feelings that could have been inside your phsyce all along as well as discovering and creating brand new miracles of experience

[ge****]

26 minutes ago, Sheepy705 said:

Surely its about finding a kindred spirit. Or another person who thinks, feels and has needs like you do? Then there aren't any boundaries or rules as long as both have an affinity to the same anticipation. And then its mutual and open for both to explore and test each others limits. Its the adventure that spawns the essence of new feelings that could have been inside your phsyce all along as well as discovering and creating brand new miracles of experience

I am sure that Sheepy is a perfectly nice and well meaning fellow but I am one to call a spade a spade and this comment is 100% soft serve vanilla 🍦. We are on a kink app talking about real kink dynamics where there are specific definitions and specific roles. Dominance and submission absolutely has definitions, rules and defined boundaries. It is not "whatever has a mutual affinity to the same anticipation" or anything else so nebulous. People come to kink because they want defined structure that matches up to their decided sexuality. It is entirely separate from the traditional, normal, notions of love and romance (which is really what Sheepy is talking about). To apply such notions to kink is to dilute its very value.

[ey****]

On 10/31/2026 at 1:42 AM, PrettyVice said:

Does the dominant person have to initiate it always?

No

Like, you can approach someone about play/relationship/etc as much as the other person

On 10/31/2026 at 1:42 AM, PrettyVice said:

Can you be in multiple dynamics at once? Can you be a submissive in one and a domme in another?

Yes. But.

Let us hypothetically say you are speaking with someone and it looks like you're going to try a D/s relationship/dynamic.  If you already know you want to be a Domme to someone else, this should be raised. For some people this is a dealbreaker, for others it would not be.    Likewise, sometimes over time relationships/kink develop and it becomes a point of "I like being your sub, but I'd also like a sub of my own" how this plays out becomes a conversation for you to have

The thing with more than one dynamic/relationship/etc is how to manage it, especially with time - both yours and theirs and what everyone wants from everyone else.  Of course it's possible There are those who've practiced non-monogamy for a long long time.  It is important to research the challenges that come with this 

[si****]

Saturday at 05:27 PM, gentleman_in_nyc said:

It absolutely does not need to be initiated by the dominant (in fact doing so is wholly outside of a proper d/s dynamic) and there absolutely is a set of rules or rather there is a set of definitions. By definition, leaving the initiation to be the responsibility of the dominant is not submission. It puts the decision power of the dynamic into the submissive's hands. It also does so at the outset, which puts the entire relationship at a disadvantage as both the dominant and the submissive have to fight uphill in order to overcome the initial framing. The "dominant initiating" isn't d/s at all... it is vanilla, traditional gender roles and sexually repressed victorian era courtship carried over into the modern era. It is an area where standards fall drastically because as submissives succumb to laziness or regression to traditional norms, Dominants are left pursuing and it gets so bad that people forget the actual definitions entirely... and then they wonder why they have so many complaints.

Submissiveness is overwhelmingly mistaken for passiveness to the detriment of the submissive's true desires as well as those of the dominant as well as those of the entire bdsm culture and community and where there is plenty of discourse, diligence, attention, and studying around what it means to be a good Dominant, it seems to me that submissive’s studies, diligence and discourse is severely neglected. It seems as though the culture is working too hard to accommodate the submissives in order to attract them to the lifestyle, but in doing so it isn't doing them any favors. Kudos to the poster for posting a real question that pertains to this so that it can get the important attention that it deserves.

If a submissive wants a powerful and proper dynamic, then she/he should declare it and request it directly. This is not just at the outset but on an ongoing basis, the value and importance of it being the very power that enables deeper and deeper dynamics to unlock ever more meaningful experiences and dynamics (for example, it is particularly valuable and important to enabling and onlocking severe cnc).

Submissives should identify the Dominant that they wish to work with and then approach them by clearly stating their desires. If the Dominant responds in a manner that furthers the dynamic and then submissive responds in a manner that furthers the dynamic and so on, then the relationship will advance powerfully, and otherwise it will simply fail to be.

Are there go to sources you would recommend for submissives who do wish to study, improve and broaden their knowledge?

[ge****]

There are certainly books that you can find on the subject that will be informative. There are also classes/workshops (there used to be a lot more in-person workshops and events before covid) and those will offer exposure to others in a workshop setting that can be truly enlightening as certain elements can be demonstrated in ways that can make you click. But information and knowledge is not really the root of it. It is a practice, where you are the subject and the agent and so the well-established and proper way for submissives to study is through two things:
-- Firstly and most importantly: real studious, curiosity, fascination and desire. There is a depth and seriousness to be cultivated within and you must want it. This kind of endless curiosity and desire will ultimately drive the submissive and if they are really thinking about how best they can actually submit (not just what signals they can put out to indicate to themselves or others that they identify as submissive), this alone can drive the submissive to greatness and can exist even without yet having a Dom.
-- Secondarily and ideally also a mentor who the submissive is not engaged in a d/s relationship with. Mentorship has been a cornerstone of proper bdsm since the beginning. The mentor should be a Dominant who is not conflicted in wanting a d/s relationship with the submissive and who has availability to accept you as a mentee. It should be someone who's thoughts and perspectives you respect and someone who has solid, serious experience. Only a mentor can offer that thoughtful objectivity in helping understand what is going on for you and providing key input and guidance as you navigate. A mentor is also someone that the submissive approaches (important for the submissive's experience in declaring intentions) including a clear request and the reasoning for it.