Emotional intelligence in their 20s

[Mr****]

An interesting paradox I've been thinking about...

I often see people in their 20s looking for play partners around their own age who already have experience, emotional maturity, and a solid understanding of D/s dynamics.

But it makes me reflect on my own journey.

When I first started exploring D/s in my 20s, I genuinely believed I knew what I was doing. More than 20 years later, I can look back and recognize just how much I still had to learn, particularly about emotional regulation, accountability, communication, and the responsibility that comes with power exchange.

Of course, age doesn't guarantee maturity, and experience doesn't necessarily translate into wisdom. I've met younger people with remarkable emotional intelligence and older people who still struggle with the basics.

So here's what I'm genuinely curious about:

In your experience, how common is it to find play partners in their 20s who demonstrate the emotional maturity, self-awareness, and responsibility needed for healthy D/s dynamics?

And perhaps more importantly, what qualities or behaviors help you recognize that someone is truly ready for that kind of dynamic, regardless of age?

I'd love to hear different perspectives.

[Ea****]

I would say that very very very few 20 year olds, perhaps none, are truly emotionally mature. But that it takes whatever they are doing in their 20's in order to then realize the need for emotional maturity. 😬🤷🏻‍♂️

[Lyphan]

As a general rule, I limit my partners to at least 30 years old. This is based more upon my past and understanding how much I needed to develop in my 20’s. I sincerely believe I really hit my stride mid-30’s.

[Ab****]

As a woman, it’s hard to find a guy who will treat me as an equal, let alone sub for me.

[jo****]

I mean that makes sense. I've never been in a bdsm dynamic but maybe capability can season with more time/experience. There are factors like social and emotional growth and maturity, accumulating experience in the bedroom, and even taste development. I can't claim to know if younger adults are more premature than those with more years than them here a significant portion of the time, but I can see it if it was the case

[gg****]

Errrrright

[Mr****]

I feel like the answer isn't as easy as uncommon or very common. Like I know so much more now than I did in my 20's. I like to think that my views have changed for the better but what I have really come to understand is that some people mesh with me and the way I think about my kink and some people think I'm off my rocker and both are right. As long as you are doing your best to care for and respect your partner, you own and grow from your mistakes, and you communicate openly and from a point of trying to understand your partner then that is the best anyone can ask for.

[ma****]

Brother, what kind of dynamic? Stop overthinking, the basics are: 1 consent 2 awareness 3 honesty. Everyone f**ks up in their 20s. Especially in their 20s. Think about that: You suddenly have adult status and no experience. That's why YOU, dear Dom, have even GREATER responsibility the younger your partner is. Not mentally, physically. Lived experience in human years. So your dilemma changes. You seem to be asking: "How fast can I f**k a young person without risk" and there arises a problem. Because there is no rule or guideline or metric for that. Which actually applies for any age but remember: less experience, more ***. So in essence: Patience and Appreciation. YOU feel rushed, stressed, uneasy, anxious, doubting, distrusting or generally negative? YOU decide to slow down, talk more, go on another date, circle around, read a book, reject fast gratification, start again, check for red flags, check for trauma etc. You are the DOM. You CARE. You are SAFE. YOU shape the dynamic, what you get is what you are, so you better be ready to look into the mirror without hating what looks back.

[ma****]

*Mirror, without hating what is looking back. (Damn cutoff on mobile...)

[JM****]

I didn’t know about Emotional Intelligence when I went back to school to finally get my High School diploma. I dropped out. I fought a lot and never found my passion or place in School or life . But I have a high learning of myself. At the same time I was made fun of in high school. Being a Nerd . Loved comic books, metal music, punk Science Fiction movies from Star Wars and Star Trek. What made me more dynamic of Star Trek. Emotional intelligence of Spock . It took my teacher when I went back. She told me look at the characters . Spock and Yoda . Didn’t even know. I was the biggest Nerd around. Learning to care deeply does that show. Is that ok .

[ev****]

Thanks @MrConcierge. I appreciate your insight. Unfortunately I'm struggling to find even one grown a** man on here that has a reasonable level of emotional maturity. Accountability? Communication? Ha!

[Ta****]

I leave the 20-30 year old by themselves and look for playpartners in my own age range.

[ma****]

3 hours ago, everett20461 said:

Thanks @MrConcierge. I appreciate your insight. Unfortunately I'm struggling to find even one grown a** man on here that has a reasonable level of emotional maturity. Accountability? Communication? Ha!

Even in a garbage dump, there are things of value mindlessly thrown away. Protect yourself properly and dig deeper, surely you can find something. Good luck!

[Ba****]

The only difference to when i was 20 is them not directly looking for older people

Apart from that your perspective seems like a case of “yesterday being the idiot in tomorrows eyes”
It’s quite difficult to ask for things beyond your comprehension so i assume a“solid understanding” means a “actually present basic understanding”, “maturity” means “reasonably mature for your age” and “has experience” means “has done it before”

Basically i assume you at 20 knowing enough to think that you know things being the kind of person the 20 year old ones of today are looking for

Ps on your last question i’d say the behavior of regular self-reflection and for qualities the ability to adapt to new information

[kr****]

Great topic ….
I’m 50 ..,
I think we can be general but maturity def can be based on Individual personal experience . My father was a ***er and died in prison and my mother was a hooker died of an overdose . I was in an orphanage then adopted . My parents both worked 2-3 jobs so from a young age I had to learn how to care for myself and take care of my *** all while a motorcycle club was our fill in babysitters .
When I was 13 I made the national soccer team and toured Europe without my family by the time I was 16 I was on my own moved out finished highschool got a full scholarship to play soccer in highschool then got addicted to *** overdosed 9 x tried killing myself 2x
Was shot and stabbed 6x went to prison that was my 20s .. my 30s got clean when back to school became a therapist work in healthcare now 20 years .. I’m a single father of 4 kids under 12
And at this juncture I’m equipped to be a dom. Iv done work on myself non stop for 20 years therapy 12 step work
Iv traveled the world and have lived 2 lives in one life time .. im gratiful for all my *** and experiences because they have made me the man I am today which I really like . ….
For me its taken a lot so I honestly can’t image being a dom in my 20s
I will say Iv been with multiple subs in there 20s and I’m awestruck at the level of emotional maturity and awareness but it’s always came at a high price for them .. thru there past traumas ..which then is my hope to help start the healing process if possible or add to the continued process .. and always always try to not add more harm .. which a lot of times is simply bowing out and directing them to help which I feel prob a lot of people can’t or don’t recognize … meaning there is a sub bleeding out looking for healing caring safety protection transparency honesty and come on here only to get more traumatized. And listen Iv made my mistakes and have hurt others and myself unintentionally . ***ful learning lessons ..
but for me What it comes down to is the health and wellness of a good sub / dom relationship is based on the individual work on each individual so there bringing something good to offer to the table and not bringing the chaotic mess ..

[ey****]

I'm almost 46

As a result of being almost 46 I have relatively little interest in what two people in their 20s are up to together.  

I mean sure, if someone aged 22 posts something on the forum about their relationship and it's something where the two of them are heading into dangerous or risky play, sure - but then that's no different to if it was someone 50 odd who was new/naive

I think it's easy to kinda busybody and judge, but it rarely concerns us.  Equally if I was to compare my general experience age 46 versus age 26 then sure I can see difference and growth - but then also the general info available to me on kink was a lot less than that available to someone coming of age now

Of course - there are exceptions around this - and whenever there's an age gap thread there's always some dude in his 50s arguing his right to sleep with 20 year olds ("it's legal!") ignoring the whole power dynamics and so forth, there is certainly a difference between a 50yo and a 20yo and two folk in their 20s.  Especially so if the 50yo swings from one 20yo to another. 

But that is something of course to consider if we as folk who are a little older do end in a situation where there's potential for play/sex/relationship with someone in their 20s and considering the dynamics and how we can be fair and supportive to them.

[ra****]

Nobody who’s prefrontal cortex isn’t fully formed should expect to be an emotionally intelligent individual and most certainly shouldn’t expect that from anyone else in their early 20’s.

Emotional intelligence and maturity comes from experiences and your ability to reflect on them, hold yourself accountable for any mistakes you’ve made, and learn from them.
While a lot of individuals go through traumatic experiences when they’re younger, our ability to PROCESS those isn’t something we’re really capable of doing until we’re older and have had enough similar experiences to stop and wonder if we’re the problem 😂

[Sh****]

Something to keep in mind as time goes on is how much of an impact the internet has on younger generations. Personality predates politics, meaning if someone is seeking wholesome that's what they'll find, same for ***. People interested in what a healthy dynamic looks like will do what they can to replicate it. For elder millennials and older it was tv and movies that filled in the gaps of knowledge. Today it's social media.

The absolute biggest red flag is the type of porn people engage in and if they understand it's not just fake but deeply untrue depictions of sex and interpersonal relationships. I orbit spaces like fetlife because a lot of people are just sexist or bigots and call themselves a title like Dom. They think because they watch a lot of porn they know what BDSM and kink are and they don't. I've met a couple subs that have eyes much bigger than their bodily cavities that haven't put in the training to do what they want. Or they're overly excited and think they can take a hard swat because they consider themselves a *** slut and absolutely can't. That said hand over fist it's young men who want selfish and aggressive sex without question, resistance or even conversation beforehand calling themselves a Dom that I find the most troubling.

I'm comfortable saying I did decently in my early days of kink in my *** and young adult life while I was learning the tricks of the trade. I also wasn't going crazy and did basic Shibari, Pet play and DDLG stuff. My biggest fault was not recognizing a sub doing what I wanted because I wanted it rather than we wanted it like it was vocalized initially. Healthy boundaries and conflict resolution skills are paramount to a mature and healthy D/s dynamic imo.

[Lo****]

I just want someone with a baseline idea of what they want, I'd rather have someone older than me tbh.

[Ce****]

I'm 29, autistic, and admittedly a rather peculiar human being. I've spent an arguably unreasonable amount of time studying human behavior, examining my own reactions, and deliberately learning emotional and interpersonal skills that don't necessarily come intuitively to me. That does not make me some unprecedented specimen of emotional intelligence. I am quite certain there are plenty of people my age who have done similar work, and equally certain that I still have an impressive capacity to be an idiot on occasion.

I think it's important to distinguish between emotional maturity, life experience, and experience within D/s specifically. They overlap, certainly, but they're not interchangeable. I carry a substantial amount of responsibility in my everyday life, and I've learned a great deal about accountability, communication, and the consequences of my decisions. None of that automatically makes me an experienced submissive, nor would I expect someone to assume it does. Conversely, being relatively inexperienced in a particular dynamic doesn't mean someone is starting from scratch emotionally.

For me, the more revealing questions are how someone responds when they're told no, when a boundary inconveniences them, when they're confronted with their own mistakes, or when they have to admit they don't know something. Can they tolerate discomfort without making it someone else's responsibility? Can they apologize without turning the apology into a defense? Can they recognize that consent is an ongoing conversation rather than a contractual loophole?

I also think there's something worth examining about the assumption that maturity necessarily manifests in recognizable ways. Someone can be articulate, composed, and intellectually competent while struggling profoundly with emotional regulation. Likewise, someone who communicates differently or needs additional clarification isn't necessarily emotionally immature.

Ultimately, I don't think being ready for a healthy D/s dynamic requires having everything figured out. I think it requires knowing that you don't, taking responsibility for what you bring into the relationship, and being willing to learn without treating another person's wellbeing as your experimental laboratory.

Twenty-nine years on this planet has taught me a few things. Chief among them is that being convinced you've figured people out is usually an excellent indication that you haven't. 🤷‍♀️

[mi****]

I don't know about the twenties part but what I tried to look for is someone that respects me a dom subs relationship is not about bullying someone. They should be able to recognize my limits

[Deleted Member]

Its crazy to me just the seeking out someone your own age part.. I like my men at least 10 years older than me. Although I am talking to someone right now who’s old 6 yrs older 😱😱 I guess we will see if 10 years is the sweet spot or not