Should We Stop Exploring BDSM Because of Past Hurt?

What happens when past emotional issues are brought to the fore from indulging in BDSM play? Our kinky advice guru Molly shares her thoughts with one FET couple who, after exploring BDSM, are having a hard time processing past hurt.
 

Dear Molly, 
My partner and I have recently started exploring BDSM (bondage and spanking-type play). At the time, it went well, and we both enjoyed it. However, during a conversation about the things we liked and disliked, I mentioned that while spanking her, I had thought briefly about some of the things she had previously done that upset me. To be clear, she had made some mistakes in the past, unrelated to BDSM or sex, which had hurt me. I do love her, but I often still feel hurt about those things. I didn't spank her for that reason. It was something we both wanted to do, and during play, she made it very clear with her words she was enjoying it.

Now she says she feels confused and guilty about the thing she did wrong. She's worried that her feelings of guilt might be why she enjoyed it, and I also feel confused since I found myself hitting her harder and thinking of it as a punishment. Do you have any suggestions on how we resolve this? Should we stop all BDSM play until we both stop feeling like this or maybe even forever?
Confused
 

Dear Confused,
Impact play can be so enjoyable for both parties, especially when starting to explore BDSM. Many people find that it brings them closer as they explore the physical sensations and the mental aspect of it. In many ways, this has been the case for you. While these issues have arisen as a result, hopefully, you can now finally resolve them and move forward more positively.
 

Discuss the issues

Whatever your partner did wrong has clearly had an impact on you. But it seems like you never really dealt with that at the time, and as a result, you still harbor negative feelings about what happened. Also, until you mentioned it, it seems that your partner was unaware you were still unhappy about what happened. 

The key to all good relationships is honest and open communication, and it seems to me when it comes to what your partner did to hurt you, you have bottled those feelings up rather than genuinely exploring them with her. It's not a surprise that they have bubbled back to the surface while indulging in BDSM play as you both have let your guard down and felt more vulnerable. 
 

Do you need to stop BDSM play?

The short answer is yes, for now. But, I don't think you need to stop all BDSM fun forever. Or at least you don't need to think of it that way for now - time will tell what you both feel comfortable with.

For now, I think you need to work on your feelings about the issues you mentioned. I think you need to have a frank conversation with your partner about what they did and, most importantly, how it made you feel. Be truly honest about the fact that you're still hurting. It would help if you allowed your partner to understand that and also work WITH you to find a way to help repair your feelings towards them. 

Bear in mind that this isn't an opportunity to make your partner feel more guilty. Instead, I would urge you to present your feelings in a way that isn't accusing or judgemental. The aim is to move forward together with you not feeling hurt and angry, and them not continually feeling guilty. 

Once you work through this together as a couple, you'll hopefully reintroduce BDSM fun into your sex life. If, however, you find you can't get past your hurt and anger, then I'd suggest that perhaps it's more than just the BDSM that you might want to consider stopping. Ultimately it won't be a happy and healthy relationship if you can't get past these issues, and the danger is that it'll only lead to hurting each other more.
 

Never indulge in BDSM play when angry

Playing when you're angry can be dangerous as it can easily lead to making mistakes. Anger clouds judgment, so the chances of playing past someone's boundary and causing both emotional and physical harm are elevated. In my book, never playing when angry can be an excellent rule to have when it comes to BDSM play. 

Ideally, everyone should be in a good emotional space for BDSM fun, and feel happy and confident in their roles. Playing when you're not emotionally stable or when others are feeling sad or angry (or even tired) should be avoided. BDSM is meant to be exciting and make you feel good. Aim for that, and you'll be in a much better place to explore it together. 
Good luck!
Molly x

Are you exploring BDSM? If BDSM play has brought up any personal and emotional issues, reach out to Molly via her profile or you can reach out and find support from within your kinky community.

 
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