Setting emotional boundaries

[Fe****]

Hello everyone. How do you avoid getting attached to your sub or dom ? Any hacks to share ?

[nineinside]

A very difficult subject and I look forward to seeing some response, I think clear communication and boundaries, eg no overnight stays etc

[Deleted Member]

I don’t think it’s possible. To have a true Dom or sub, there has to be an emotional connection. You can’t trust someone you’re not connected with. I believe it’s a myth perpetrated by insecure people with mummy/daddy issues

[PapaBearProtects]

I don’t, for the most part. I think there has to be a degree of emotional attachment. I’ve fallen in love with a few of my subs where it’s not been reciprocated, but after you tell yourself enough times “she’s not yours, it’s just your turn”, eventually the head learns. I’m still good friends with pretty much everyone I’ve played with in the past. It’s difficult, though.

[Deleted Member]

It's the heart that decides. Logic dose NOT get a say on the matter. Annoyingly feelings dont work like switches .

[Deleted Member]

Everyone is different. I think it’s important for your Dom to be clear in the beginning where he stands and keep those boundaries with you. It’s up to you if you can stay within those lines. I know I can’t hence why I’m searching for something more meaningful where my emotional need is also taken care of.

[Fa****]

Some times

[Fa****]

I can’t do it without getting attached unfortunately, much to many people’s irritation. It’s just that way I am. Sorry that it’s totally unhelpful but hope you find some answers x

[Pa****]

A d/s dynamic is very intimate even without sexual activity. I don't think having feelings for someone is a bad things, Acting on those feelings might be another story, But in the end that's why you created those boundaries. It's also not unusual to date inside a d/s dynamic, Maybe have a discussion about things morphing. Or if you'd rather just keep things the way they are do that, Or if you're actually worried about it discuss it with whoever the person is and maybe move on, In the end it's up to you.

[dr****]

I need some emotional attachment as I believe the level of trust needed for a dynamic won't happen without it.

[Fe****]

Thank you everyone for your opinion. It is actually helpful. I understand there is a certain transparency and intimacy in D/S relationships which can lead to some sort of emotional connection. I want to avoid developing romantic feelings for them, not feelings overall.

[ChristySub]

I think it's inevitable tbh. I told myself it wouldn't happen but it has. I have to take a step back sometimes and remind myself he's not mine to keep. It can be hard sometimes

[Deleted Member]

I think the only real way to avoid attachment is to get involved with people, you wouldn’t like to get involved with and then that’s a WHOLE different problem!

“It’s better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all…?“

[ay****]

I now it's incredibly difficult to manage and sometimes doesn't seem worth it until you're reminded why but here's how my little and I do it;

We were friends initially and never considered each other to be enough our respective types that anything could work, an accident happened when we were both feeling *** and we had a lot of fun simply exploring until this issue came up. All at once everything had to stop so that I could prove to myself I wasn't abusing the power she trusted me with to continue enjoying the sounds she didn't know she could make.

On chance that this was as counter-intuitive as everything else in my life seems to prove to be I sat her down and explained rather than avoid the feelings or even giving ourselves time to let them grow we would have the conversations of what we are, the differences between that and self-perceptions, what we want now, what we need now, what we want in the future already etc. Express exactly the person we were each dealing with, no vagueness where we could fantasise that this person was more compatible than they are if x,y,z.

I came to understand she wasn't some mercenary of a party girl that needed taming just because I like a challenge, she always wanted things for herself that showed she wanted to be around to do the work even if it felt good to joke otherwise and be made to feel better by handing over control to someone who can use you up and set you down gently. A laugh escaped me when I realised how simple the answer had been; she wants marriage and the wedding to be on her home island, a nice little brood of kids to match. My issues mean even if I could have kids I've already done enough raising children to walk into it without a lot of the reassurances you simply don't get with kids. Though I'm happy to visit adoption if I met the right person I understand needing those reassurances met would make me higher-maintenance than an actual baby so until we figured out our solution it was enough to explain we want different things.

THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC TO US.

We could continue on the basis that she still needed to learn basic adulting to foster better chances of turning her dreams into reality. I needed to help round out my personality by being more dominant as I started out a switch and left dominance out because it seemed traumatising to react to responsibility the way I'd seen my father do when I was little. Thus the way we work is I teach her domestic, culinary and financial independence using the positive rein***ment of orgasms and she makes me a better person by letting me cathartically express what certain acts of dominance mean before learning better practice and theory on here.

 

For me the breakdown is absent a reason like commonly working toward a romantic life together you still need a reason. Left unchecked that can easily become emotional attachment and even that can seem like it is for the person not the role. We work because I provide a 'finishing school' for everything she wasn't taught growing up and because I get the therapy of demonstrating I'm not a pint-sized deadbeat. I know eventually I'll have nothing left to teach and she'll find someone who'll give her everything she wants just as I'll find healthier relationships for being able to understand and appreciate how she treats me. But sometimes it is difficult to differentiate between the role and the person playing it because it is an imitation based on our own idea of what the role is so whenever we get too into it rather than say "I love you" it's "I love this/what we do". Feels unnatural and sometimes even rude to do it but it's so much better than "I LOVE YOU" at the crescendo and then two minutes of awkward silence before it's followed up with "-as a friend..." and easy to register that you're making the effort on account of how it may kill the moment the first few times

[Ra****]

Honestly, there's always going to be some sort of feelings catching. We're designed for it but if you make it more (need transactional versus emotional you might miss the attachment

[He****]

I'm not sure how you wouldn't have feelings for someone you have a dynamic with, especially DDlg. I'm a very emotional person, so for me it's a done deal. I'm also fiercely loyal, and if you have my loyalty you have my love, it's who I am and want to continue to be.

[Ra****]

Honestly, there will always be some sort of emotional attachment due to our chemical makeup. The best hack I can think of is to treat your situation as a transactional need versus an emotion. Be like I need to [enter kink] for [enter purposes] and after the purposes are fulfilled theses no more interaction.

[se****]

There are those that can be not attached (envy), and ones who get attached no matter what they do. You can't stop how you feel. Even if you are the type able to not be attached, there will always be one or two that cupid shoots at you. You can only control so much. Cupid actually decides.💘  The point, no hacks.

Edited February 3, 2023 by kiseu
Wrote it wrong.

[pa****]

He owns you… you will be attacked until he releases you… or keeps you

[Th****]

I honestly do not understand why anyone would not want a connection. How can anyone truly submitt without Love. How can a sub fulfill all their Doms needs completely without absolutely surrendering?

[xx****]

Drink….. a lot….. daily

[AJ_Mackie]

1 hour ago, pasco460 said:

He owns you… you will be attacked until he releases you… or keeps you

Poor typo mate lol

[AJ_Mackie]

Also I personally wonder how anyone can have a genuine dynamic if they aren't attached to their partner?!?

And if they don't want any form of attachment then why do it?

 

And i speak about a D/s dynamic. Not flings and random fun. 

D/s is supposed to be built on extreme care and trust foundations with someone you would trust with your life and spent a lot of time and effort on. 

I find it hard to detach from emotions with any kind of relationship never mind a dynamic. 

 

I don't want a D/s for the sole reason I don't want that lifestyle right now. And my emotions make it hard for me, so i avoid it. I stick to relationships for now. And if if i didn't want a relationship id just have nsa fun personally but you cannot do that with D/s sadly (imo for trust and safety issues).

[Deleted Member]

I get where you're coming from. It's doable. It's about compartmentalizing to me. I get "attached". I like them, I want to please them. I want their approval and attention. But no love. I have a primary relationship that fulfills that for me. No "emotional attachment " ie love allows me to be more *** bc there's no *** of emotional rejection. We are what we are to each other and while that's deep, it's not the same. Works for me, doesn't for others. It depends who you are.

[Da****]

I've never managed which is why it always ends in tears on my end. 😭😅 X