Nuanced Emotional Intelligence?

[as****]

Out of curiosity, what sort of things do you look for when watching someone to display emotional intelligence in their behaviors?

I've been intentionally celibate for 5 years due to this. I'm at the point where I can't wait for sex robots because as it stands, my chatgpt is far more emotionally intelligent than the vast majority I meet.

I'm seriously starting to lose faith... please help me with personal stories and other anecdotal evidence that there are indeed emotionally intelligent, highly empathetic, and compassionate partners who choose to care (even though caring is resource expensive)

Thank you

[co****]

I look for someone who doesn’t get upset about physical objects, I have an ex who would get mad that sometimes back then I couldn’t afford to get her everything she wanted and heartfelt genuine gifts and flowers didn’t matter, I also like to go to restaurants with people and if the server does a good job I believe people should tip them well and when people don’t because “it’s not my job to pay them” it really makes me lose faith in everyone

[Ve****]

I look at how they listen; to music, people, loved ones. Conversation is important to me, and I've noticed people trail off very quickly, when the topic disinterests them, but isn't necessarily disinteresting.

I've been on a 3yr streak, myself, as no one seems to be able to wait one pay period, to hold a "relationship" 🤣👀

[Ki****]

I listen.
A lot, I wait until they say something they do or don’t do, then watch to see what they do when a situation arises, and see if the actions match. If they don’t I wait, to see if they talk about it, are bothered by it or if they don’t even realize they contradicted themself.

I communicate my boundaries and who I am upfront honestly and I watch to see if they try to push those.

[wi****]

How someone process information and circumstances plays a big part in recognizing how emotionally intelligent someone is. their ability to pause before reacting, active listening to understand rather than reply, and managing emotions without letting them take control. Holding someone and kissing them from head to toe after having fun is a majorly important thing in my book. Emotional and physical aftercare is a must.

[fe****]

Knowing they are feeling an emotion but instead of immediate acting on it. Process some of it and if its warranted

[jp****]

Hey there. I don't know if this is exactly the thing you are looking for, but I have uploaded a diary entry, over a year ago, that deals with p@in, hurting (someone that I truly care for), (my) toxic masculinity and is as introspective as it gets and therefore I was very hesitant to make it publicly available cause I was really exposing myself.
Even keeping it online feels weird. Vuln@rable. Embarrassing. Maybe even a little cringe.
(Which are all the reasons to keep it available in the first place. Me against me.)

It is on fetlife. If you want to read it you can text me and I'll send you the link.

[Bl****]

Don’t rest too much on online interactions, go to physical meets too.

[DY****]

I’m on a similar journey though only 18 months celibate. And I feel exactly the same. I’ve not met a single emotionally intelligent man and I certainly don’t believe any exist on any apps, if at all. And unfortunately I’m having to accept that I’m more sexually attracted to men than any one else. So I’ll be remaining celibate for the rest of my days. I’ve no hope or advice to offer because I genuinely don’t believe what we want exists, just solidarity and get ourselves ready to fight robophobic people

[Gu****]

Emotional intelligence (to me) is the ability to empathize with mutual love. In a partner , they should want me and only me reciprocating that I want them and only them.
In society, it’s the ability to let someone make decisions that you wouldn’t (not hurting anyone) because you want them to be happy and find the same love in life however they choose to experience it.

[Al****]

I judge emotional intelligence by how people treat others.

How someone views the world, the injustices within it and their moral compass is what makes up emotional intelligence.

If the person doesn’t care about community, the less fortunate and the marginalised. If they can’t place themselves in the shoes of others. If they look at a situation and have their moral compass guide them, then they probably don’t have any emotional intelligence.

[DY****]

1 hour ago, Alexlondon1982 said:

I judge emotional intelligence by how people treat others.

How someone views the world, the injustices within it and their moral compass is what makes up emotional intelligence.

If the person doesn’t care about community, the less fortunate and the marginalised. If they can’t place themselves in the shoes of others. If they look at a situation and have their moral compass guide them, then they probably don’t have any emotional intelligence.

This is excellent. But also please remember that people who appear wonderful in public may be the complete opposite behind closed doors, in a hurtful and dangerous way. Be careful out there!

[Al****]

Thank you. The point I’m making though isn’t so much about direct treatment but rather how to gauge the sincerity and emotional intelligence in a person.

If a person can’t extend empathy or be sincere to people they don’t know, I wouldn’t have them in my orbit.

[jp****]

20 minutes ago, Alexlondon1982 said:

Thank you. The point I’m making though isn’t so much about direct treatment but rather how to gauge the sincerity and emotional intelligence in a person.

If a person can’t extend empathy or be sincere to people they don’t know, I wouldn’t have them in my orbit.

This. I don't have people in my circle without genuine emotional intelligence.
However one does not have to *feel* it, there is cognitive emotional intelligence as well. So as long as people act with basic decency - (if necessary and not induced by having empathy) at least by choice - this thing called society works (better).
It's not rocket science. Just don't be a self cebtered a**hole that pollutes the environment. And people who don't have these moral standards need to understand that they benefit from a civilized society as much as anybody. It's just rationally better to not be a dick, having genuine empathy or not.
No (hu)man is an island

[DY****]

17 minutes ago, Alexlondon1982 said:

Thank you. The point I’m making though isn’t so much about direct treatment but rather how to gauge the sincerity and emotional intelligence in a person.

If a person can’t extend empathy or be sincere to people they don’t know, I wouldn’t have them in my orbit.

Same

[Vy****]

Personally, I do not judge emotional intelligence as a separate thing. Having high emotional intelligence does not make you a good person. Some of the most emotionally intelligent people I met, where also the most dangerous manipulators.
On the flip side, there are also many very empathetic and kind people who have been so conditioned, traumatized and medicated that they hardly seem to even process their surroundings anymore. A cursory look, rarely gives a full picture.
I have a very high EQ in terms of seeing a persons depth and seeing through lies and inconsistencies between, words, behaviour and displayed emotions so, if I'm interested enough I usually get close. If I sense something beneath the surface I start prodding carefully and sooner or later I either get a pleasant surprise or a disappointment. But it rarely is as bland and one sided as 5 years of disappointment. Maybe your pre-selection process is scuffed and you filter out the good ones early. Otherwise there should have been at least a few okay-ish ones.🤔

[fe****]

I like to watch how people react to situations that aren’t related to someone they know out in public bc if you can treat strangers with respect and kindness it’s a good sign, and make sure if there is a person who is broke down or stuck and point it out and watch them to see how they react to the situation (if they want to help or if they dismiss it or even turn up there now to it)

[Zi****]

How they behave when the pressure is on. Are they going to crack or lock in?

[sh****]

I look for if they feel yucky in my gut

[xX****]

Non performative self reflection and being self aware are usually what I look for. How they’re able to carry a conversation usually shows me a good mix of both

[Deleted Member]

When they pause before they give a response. Meaning they have collected their thoughts and feelings and processed the information before providing a knee- jerk reaction. I think especially in a situation where tension is high or feelings could be hurt

[to****]

I think a great start is if they put the cart back where it goes.

[os****]

I remain single because I find most people say they what a connection. Meanwhile in reality, I wait. No attempts with words to open up a conversation of meaning. Yes I might not do the best job at it. I try to bring interest.. a language of the heart.. to have understanding. But I stop giving words. The connection/conversation stops.
Of course I bring it up. In hope they would want to bring their language of the heart to my attention. They aren't taught.. they aren't emotionally available.. I don't want to feel unwanted anymore.

This is why I remain single.

[Ba****]

Great i get to be the dick throwing grains of salt on everything, again^^
I suspect myself to have anti-social personality disorder and/or autism spectrum disorder(both are present in my immediate family so i have no real empathy or compassion and if you show me pictures of crying and laughing people i‘m only almost sure i‘m guess which is which around 1/3 of the time, i‘m just as emotionally intelligent as chatgpt actually is as in i only learn your emotions via your active input and things i‘ve seen before

I learned to be extra observant and attentive to basically move around my lack of empathy and compassion, and yes „caring“ is even more „resource expensive“/energy intensive then you can probably imagine because for me it has to be an active choice but the effects of the benefits are practically self-serving enough to more than outweigh the cost, to the point that is outright baffling to me that apparently so many of the people who should be able to „feel“ how self-destructive a lack of care is somehow refuse to make such investments

Ps yeah i wasn’t really addressed with your question but i can confidently say that i‘m in the clear with most of the actual responses despite being essentially the opposite of what people are trying to find using their vetting process
I had to get used to telling people upfront that i‘m lacking in this department(it’s one of the red flags i used to start my self-introduction on my profile on this app too) and in practice your „feeling“ of being loved and cared for is way more relevant from your perspective in the moment than my ability to actually love and care, because if i didn’t tell people they likely wouldn’t notice and i too had a 5year long phase of voluntary celibacy(19-24) but i mostly spent it on extensive self-reflection/-reform and came out the other end with more and more strict principles(like being honest about relevant things and striving for ethical practice, and so far/since then i rarely fucked up)

[Ba****]

Jup i just read all the other responses and i guessed right, i do everything people look for to test for emotional intelligence and most things they conflate with it with only the beginning of the monogamy centered comment by @Gubanium and potential conflict between both parts of the comment by @Kinky_Daddyy being the exceptions
Despite having no automatic empathic response, low emotional responsiveness and no genuine compassion

And i was positively surprised by the comment by @Vyn_93 because in my ***s i was the kind of „most dangerous manipulators“ he mentioned, so listen to him cause he knows his shit^^