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Loss of a Dom.

Co****

By Co****
in BDSM Forum

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Co****

Co****

Posted
Everybody speaks about vetting, SSC, how to look out for red flags. But few talk about the *** from losing your dominant. Splitting from a dynamic, walking away from one or just mutually deciding to end it.
No matter the reasons it’s very much a raw and ***ful experience. Some days you yearn for instruction, to hear their voice, their praise. You lived to please them, after all. And now that you have nobody to submit to, you can’t help but feel a little empty. There is nobody to guide you, to push your limits, to test and tease your mentality. What you once craved now all feels a little sour. You ask ‘is this what I really wanted, to submit?’ as your mind is running on empty. You’ll submit again, there are other dom(me)s. But let yourself heal first. Be kind. Soothe your inner self, and process the loss of a dynamic. Let yourself grieve the person who used to call you theirs. Remember that it ended for a reason, it was necessary that it didn’t continue. And once you’ve let yourself heal, you can find comfort in your submissive nature again. There are others to serve, but recognise that your loss is still valid. Your past dynamic was still valid, and it meant something to you.
ju****

ju****

Posted
Well put. It is like anything else, you need to heal or you want be ready to fully give yourself to the next one and you can’t enjoy it like you deserve to.

Thank you!
Mo****

Mo****

Posted
CB you are so right about feeling empty and alone. This is not just for subs but Dom(me)s as well. I find that the most common of reasons for a dynamic falling apart is that the participants have stopped their growth process. For each of us we grow and develop as individuals, but when you enter a relationship/dynamic, that growth needs to continue, not settle, because individuals need to grow and blossom right up until the day they die, and because you are part of a relationship it is even more important that it continues. Unfortunately, one person will outgrow the other at times, and then the dynamic, instead of continuing to be exciting and fulfilling, becomes mundane and boring. Honest and Open communication can often fix this, but then if there is no communication, then the dynamic withers and dies like the fruit on the vine, and ultimately, bitterness will creep in.

Of course there are other reasons a dynamic will fall apart, and they involve honesty, death and relocation. For death and relocation they are a lot easier accepted, but honesty (integrity, trust or breaches of) are hurtful in themselves.

CB, you will find another to serve, and with some luck and careful vetting, your next dynamic will be even more exciting and fulfilling than the last. You will never forget that last one however because that is what made you into the person you are right now. Remember dear lady subs are NOT weak, and in most instances they are very resilient, and I am guessing you are one such person. If you ever want to chat, I and others are here for you - we are after all a big family of like minded people.
3d****

3d****

Posted
You have my greatest sympathies. When I lost my submissive, more than two years ago now, I almost collapsed at work a few days after the break up. It feels like more than just a parting of ways. You lose a bit of yourself in them.
TheBookCollector

TheBookCollector

Posted
I have had submissive friends go through very tough breakups and as crass as it sounds Time does heal, especially if you have a good support network and friends in the community who you can trust and talk to and you know wont gossip.

You will find someone else.
ge****

ge****

Posted
The thing to remember is it's no different from *any* other relationship that ends, whether that be romantic, a friendship or even family - just because it's D/s related doesn't make it any different, and to an extent because of the amount of your inner feelings and desires you have revealed the sense of loss can be huge.

It's only natural to feel grief no matter what the foundations of the relationship were, and like all grief you need time to process it and heal from within.

How we do that is a very individual thing, but it is possible to come out the other side stronger and better for it.

Dustykat

Dustykat

Posted

I understand that feeling too well I'm a widower of a couple of years now my master died we were together for 20 years. Thrust me it was a shock when I was alone at first but it gets better, it gave me the time to work on myself and now I think I meet someone we haven't meet yet but in February we will. So you might feel alone now but give it time to heal 🧚‍♀️                       Ps if you need a friendly ear DM me I'm a very understanding person 🧚‍♀️

Co****

Co****

Posted
  • Author
50 minutes ago, Dustykat said:

I understand that feeling too well I'm a widower of a couple of years now my master died we were together for 20 years. Thrust me it was a shock when I was alone at first but it gets better, it gave me the time to work on myself and now I think I meet someone we haven't meet yet but in February we will. So you might feel alone now but give it time to heal 🧚‍♀️                       Ps if you need a friendly ear DM me I'm a very understanding person 🧚‍♀️

Thank you that’s very kind x

Deleted Member

Posted
December 31, 2021, Dustykat said:

I understand that feeling too well I'm a widower of a couple of years now my master died we were together for 20 years. Thrust me it was a shock when I was alone at first but it gets better, it gave me the time to work on myself and now I think I meet someone we haven't meet yet but in February we will. So you might feel alone now but give it time to heal 🧚‍♀️                       Ps if you need a friendly ear DM me I'm a very understanding person 🧚‍♀️

I lost my Daddy Dom in 2021 and I hate the word widow cause then people look at me like I am broken. Feb will be a year and it’s been hell. Your words give me hope

Li****

Li****

Posted

I'm so glad I came across this post today. I've been struggling with my emotions with an ex Dom but couldn't find any relatable posts.  

How do you get over someone who meant so much to you. You place all your trust in them, let them guide you, nurture you, tease you etc.... then nothing. Its like losing a piece of yourself. 

Choosing to be so open, it's hard to treat it like a regular relationship ending. The bond (for me) is so much deeper than that. 

I know in time I will heal but the hardest thing is seeing him move on like I never really existed. 

Mo****

Mo****

Posted
48 minutes ago, Lilyrose said:

I'm so glad I came across this post today. I've been struggling with my emotions with an ex Dom but couldn't find any relatable posts.  

How do you get over someone who meant so much to you. You place all your trust in them, let them guide you, nurture you, tease you etc.... then nothing. Its like losing a piece of yourself. 

Choosing to be so open, it's hard to treat it like a regular relationship ending. The bond (for me) is so much deeper than that. 

I know in time I will heal but the hardest thing is seeing him move on like I never really existed. 

Well Lilyrose he proved by his actions that as much as you valued him, he never valued you the same way - unfortunately!  He was the weak link in your relationship because he was being dishonest with you and possibly himself, but his integrity or the lack of it, caused him to discard you.  Some will say subs are weak, but in actual fact, they are the stronger of the 2 in the dynamic.  ALL they want from us dominants is not to breach the trust, be honest and show respect, which really is not hard IF you have integrity. 

Bathblonde

Bathblonde

Posted
On 12/31/2021 at 5:14 AM, CookieBuns26 said:

Everybody speaks about vetting, SSC, how to look out for red flags. But few talk about the *** from losing your dominant. Splitting from a dynamic, walking away from one or just mutually deciding to end it.
No matter the reasons it’s very much a raw and ***ful experience. Some days you yearn for instruction, to hear their voice, their praise. You lived to please them, after all. And now that you have nobody to submit to, you can’t help but feel a little empty. There is nobody to guide you, to push your limits, to test and tease your mentality. What you once craved now all feels a little sour. You ask ‘is this what I really wanted, to submit?’ as your mind is running on empty. You’ll submit again, there are other dom(me)s. But let yourself heal first. Be kind. Soothe your inner self, and process the loss of a dynamic. Let yourself grieve the person who used to call you theirs. Remember that it ended for a reason, it was necessary that it didn’t continue. And once you’ve let yourself heal, you can find comfort in your submissive nature again. There are others to serve, but recognise that your loss is still valid. Your past dynamic was still valid, and it meant something to you.

Love this ybg 😘 

Sir-Taz

Sir-Taz

Posted
7 hours ago, Lilyrose said:

I'm so glad I came across this post today. I've been struggling with my emotions with an ex Dom but couldn't find any relatable posts.  

How do you get over someone who meant so much to you. You place all your trust in them, let them guide you, nurture you, tease you etc.... then nothing. Its like losing a piece of yourself. 

Choosing to be so open, it's hard to treat it like a regular relationship ending. The bond (for me) is so much deeper than that. 

I know in time I will heal but the hardest thing is seeing him move on like I never really existed. 

Having never been there I can't comment,  but you have friends who will listen just remembered that x

Co****

Co****

Posted
  • Author
12 hours ago, Bathblonde said:

Love this ybg 😘 

Hugs to you beaut 🥰

  • 3 weeks later...
Li****

Li****

Posted

Thanks for writing this! I'm in that place atm! Crying every single day since November. Then I got the final bitchslap ..... he gone back to vanilla and got himself a more respectable girlfriend. Ouch!!

ol****

ol****

Posted
(edited)
19 minutes ago, Lilivorydoll said:

Thanks for writing this! I'm in that place atm! Crying every single day since November. Then I got the final bitchslap ..... he gone back to vanilla and got himself a more respectable girlfriend. Ouch!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can only assume he's both blind and utterly stupid based on the posts of yours that I read.

Edited by oldfellow
Bathblonde

Bathblonde

Posted
49 minutes ago, Lilivorydoll said:

Thanks for writing this! I'm in that place atm! Crying every single day since November. Then I got the final bitchslap ..... he gone back to vanilla and got himself a more respectable girlfriend. Ouch!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sending strength your not alone x

Deleted Member

Posted

I find it hard to be kind to myself at the best of times, but at times like this, it’s nigh on impossible. 

ol****

ol****

Posted

My heart goes out to all of the subs posting on this thread.

Life is hard enough at the best of times.

The D/s dynamic is supposed to introduce a measure of certainty and a measure of control of the relationship for both D and s. The honesty can sometimes hurt but it must be better than the alternatives?

Deleted Member

Posted
44 minutes ago, oldfellow said:

My heart goes out to all of the subs posting on this thread.

Life is hard enough at the best of times.

The D/s dynamic is supposed to introduce a measure of certainty and a measure of control of the relationship for both D and s. The honesty can sometimes hurt but it must be better than the alternatives?

Thank you, Oldfellow.
 

As someone whose ADHD makes life insecure and chaotic, I crave certainty and security. Instead I got destabilising passive-aggressive behaviour and silence. 
 

I’m grateful I am aware enough to remove myself from situations like this before the crazy sets in. Too many years on this planet to accept that shit any more. I’m sad, but at least I’m still sane. 
 

Which is not to say that there wasn’t lots of lovely stuff too, but when the scales tip that bit too far …

ol****

ol****

Posted

@Lockfairy I am glad that you have got to a place that enables you to know when it's time to go. What happens within any D/s relationship is between the people involved, but if the dynamic becomes strained because one or another cannot cope then it is best to make a change. That could be as simple as an honest conversation and a re-set or it could be a decision to exit.

More subs should have your bravery.

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