Help needed - could my wife be a closet dominant?

[Deleted Member]

Apologies for the long post.

 

I’ve been thinking about this for some time due to things she has done / said in the recent past, such as;

 

- Quite a long time ago we were watching something on TV, can’t remember what but there was some reference to sex / light bondage, she chimed in with ‘Maybe I should buy a whip so I can whip you’

 

We joked about it, I said that would be fun etc but it never went anywhere.

 

- Again quite some time ago I was getting ready for work and was getting dressed in the same room as her, she was sat on a sofa, my back was facing her and she pulled me towards her, pulled my trousers down exposing my arse and smacked it (hard) multiple times, there had been some sexual talk prior to this but I can’t remember what.

 

These were far harder smacks than the occasional jokey tap she would give me, they left a solid red mark and it was pretty hot, she clearly enjoyed herself and off I went to work.

 

It never went any further, she hasn’t repeated smacking my arse like this since, the odd fun tap but nothing like that.

 

- Imitated using a strap-on on me multiple times, we went through a phase where if I was anywhere close to remotely bent over doing something in the house etc she would come over and thrust behind me.

 

She made multiple references to using a strap-on and how much bigger it would be than my cock.

 

- Ages ago we had a discussion about size, she said she guessed I was about 6 inches, said she had never really thought about it, we’ve been together 15 years.

 

I had never measured myself before, never had reason to, turns out I’m about 4.7inches hard and not particularly thick.

Once she found this out she had a field day and began mocking the size of my cock, little finger symbol etc.

 

Why did this turn me on? I had no idea at the time as this was a side of her I hadn’t seen before.

We had a drink one night and she mocked the size of it again, saying;

 ‘You can’t satisfy me with that tiny thing’ I countered by saying I could do, to which she replied ‘You couldn’t satisfy anyone with it, literally no one’ 

She went on to rate sex with my cock as 1/10.

She then said she might buy a dildo but it would bigger than me as they don’t make them that small.

 

- Somewhere around this time frame we had drunk sex, I had given her oral, she was again mocking the size of my cock and we had sex (missionary), I was inside her and she repeatedly asked if I was inside or not, stating ‘I’ve no idea if its inside, it’s useless’

She still mocks the size of it now, I can often rub up against her with a hard on and she will state she can’t feel anything or just say ‘get that little thing off me, I don’t want to see it’ etc

 

- Tease and denial - I regularly give her oral and had done one night, she had an orgasm and then put her underwear back on.

She knew I was hard, rubbed up against me multiple times saying I didn’t need to cum and that she might not let me again, she continued doing this until she knew I was extremely frustrated and then went to sleep.

Handjobs are frequently stop start until she makes me cum, but only enough for a trickle to come out, quite often its difficult to tell, she then stops and says ‘You’re done’, knowing full well I haven’t had a proper orgasm or even realised a tiny bit of cum has come out.

 

- More recently, a daft conversation about what it would be like if she had a cock and balls for a day, she again brought up size saying it would be bigger than mine and that she would force it in my mouth making me gag.

 

- Discussed friend groups etc, said out of everyone she thinks I would be the most likely to be gay and that I would definitely be the receiving party in a male-male sexual scenario, as I am in her opinion quite feminine and would ‘obviously have the smallest cock’

One night continually kept telling me how I would enjoy taking another mans cock, I was hard and she then played on this telling me I was obviously turned on and wanted to have sex with a man.

She asked me to fill in the blanks of the scenario she had created, what my boyfriends name was, what clothing I would be wearing for him, what positions would he be doing me in etc, how I would enjoy him cumming inside me.

 

FYI she is not homophobic or anything, but was obviously enjoying her little mind games, I think we both were, it scared me a bit.

 

- A while ago I had bumped into something and hurt my groin area, she joked that she wouldn’t care if I couldn’t get hard again, stating she has no use for my cock and balls and that she would be happy with oral and toys (we don’t own any).

 

- She made a comment about needing to be ‘fucked hard and given a good seeing to’, I obviously suggested that would be me however she laughed stating ‘Don’t be daft you’ve never given me a good seeing to’

 

Honestly confused, she has recently stated she has zero interest in dominating me in the bedroom but on occasion clearly has done in a verbal sense, all of the above scenarios have usually led to some sort of sex, even if it has just been her receiving.

 

We have had plenty of normal sex in between the above interactions, of which I think she enjoys aspects of, I’m sure she gets more from oral and foreplay than penetration, she orgasms every time I give her oral, sometimes multiple times.

 

Penetration seems hit and miss, I admittedly don’t last particularly long, she definitely gets more out of it when she is on top but I don’t think some other positions do much for her, particularly missionary.

 

I think (again could be wrong) she has fantasies of long lasting rough sex with someone more rugged and with a bigger cock than me, just some of the things she says leads me to believe this, I don’t think the penetration aspect of our sex life does that much for her if I’m completely honest, thing is I know I can’t fuck her in multiple positions for 30-40 minutes, she knows this also, I don’t last that long.

 

She recently asked me why, in my opinion do so many men like being dominated, we discussed it and it looked as though she was quite intrigued but again it’s not gone any further.

 

She knows I have enjoyed all of the above scenarios as I told her, even if seemed weird when I said to her ‘I like it when you humiliate me about my cock size and refuse to let me cum’.

 

It feels as though theres another side to her that is hiding away, never having really been explored, however I could be completely wrong I admit.

 

Just after some advice on how to open this up for a more in depth discussion, I’ve tried but it usually gets shut down, I get the feeling she is embarrassed, especially about the humiliation stuff that I assume she gets a kick out of at the time.

 

 

 

 

[ge****]

If she shuts it down when you try and broach the subject maybe she *is* just messing around and enjoys teasing you but that's it.
.
Have you ever tried telling her it's something you would *like* to take further and explore? And explained why?
.
If not perhaps that's a route to take?
.
Ultimately though *if* all the above happens on a regular basis then perhaps ask her why she does it, let her explain, but if it is purely teasing and messing around then you may have to accept that is all there is to it.
.
As usual it comes down to open and honest communication.

[Ardenb]

I think you you should straight up ask her and maybe watch so videos and see if she’ll be into seems she has a dominant personality because doesn’t mean she’s a domme in hiding although she seems like she’ll have good potential for it

[ha****]

No. She’s a sub. You’re more likely a closet sub tbh

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

If she shuts it down when you try and broach the subject maybe she *is* just messing around and enjoys teasing you but that's it.
.
Have you ever tried telling her it's something you would *like* to take further and explore? And explained why?
.
If not perhaps that's a route to take?
.
Ultimately though *if* all the above happens on a regular basis then perhaps ask her why she does it, let her explain, but if it is purely teasing and messing around then you may have to accept that is all there is to it.
.
As usual it comes down to open and honest communication.

Thanks for the response, I’ve told her I enjoyed the penis humiliation stuff which at the time took me completely by surprise, she still does this regularly, sometimes subtle and often quite bluntly out of nowhere, so I’m assuming she gets something out of it.

You’re absolutely right about communication, something we need to work on, I think writing everything down has at least confirmed to me we need to have a proper chat about things.

 

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, hacknslashman said:

No. She’s a sub. You’re more likely a closet sub tbh

Could you elaborate as to why you say this? completely new to this, thanks

[ge****]

Another thought, perhaps she is nervous about taking that next step because she doesn't want to hurt you, or is frightened herself of the consequences.
.
For her to take that step she may need to understand the step she is taking, so again open and honest communication and maybe things like finding articles, books and blogs for her to read on the subject would be a good idea - even telling her about this site, which would of course mean you revealing your membership

[just-fun]

No I don’t think she’s a Dom but She might be into cuckolding and she want to cuckold you with a bull I guess

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Another thought, perhaps she is nervous about taking that next step because she doesn't want to hurt you, or is frightened herself of the consequences.
.
For her to take that step she may need to understand the step she is taking, so again open and honest communication and maybe things like finding articles, books and blogs for her to read on the subject would be a good idea - even telling her about this site, which would of course mean you revealing your membership

Yeah this is a good point, my gut feeling is it could be this due to some of the things she has said / done, being told your cock is useless mid sex just doesn’t seems like more than a bit of fun teasing.

Certainly will work on communication, thanks again

Edited February 7, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Funseeker said:

No I don’t think she’s a Dom but She might be into cuckolding and she want to cuckold you with a bull I guess

Yeah dunno, that would be a huge escalation of things if we got to that stage, can’t imagine its that common though?

[just-fun]

6 minutes ago, Parvulus said:

Yeah dunno, that would be a huge escalation of things if we got to that stage, can’t imagine its that common though?

Yes it’s common and it looks to me that she’s more into cuckolding, do more research about it and you will understand better

[ey****]

thing is - whether she is any form of Dominant or not - does it matter if you both enjoy the play you're doing?

I've said before, kinda, that most relationships with kink in them aren't actually D/s relationships (even though the scene seems obsessed with D/s)

Enjoying what you're doing and having conversations about what turns you both on can be good steps to take. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Funseeker said:

Yes it’s common and it looks to me that she’s more into cuckolding, do more research about it and you will understand better

I guess this would make sense given what she regularly says about my cock and her perceived lack of need of it.

However that would be a whole other conversation to have, thanks for your reply.

[Deleted Member]

25 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

thing is - whether she is any form of Dominant or not - does it matter if you both enjoy the play you're doing?

I've said before, kinda, that most relationships with kink in them aren't actually D/s relationships (even though the scene seems obsessed with D/s)

Enjoying what you're doing and having conversations about what turns you both on can be good steps to take. 

Yeah good point, definitely need to have more conversations about all of this.

[xT****]

If you like it, let her ;)

[xT****]

Play, have fun

[MissTakenDeep]

Honestly reading your post, all I could think was… she clearly likes the humiliation/degrading of your cock & sexual abilities and has mentioned fucking other men in front of you…I’d be wondering if she maybe wants a cuck relationship and is testing the waters of how you respond?

[ol****]

Either she has latent D tendancies or she wants to cuck you which again suggests latent D tendancy.

What you don't say is what she is like when she is not making fun of you? 

This makes it hard to judge how much she is just teasing you. If you are sub in this relationship how much aftercare is there? While accepting she may not understand aftercare at this point if you are going to take this further then she will need to develop an understanding else it's just abuse.

[Ca****]

So how it come in 15yrs she didn t see how is the sex with you ?
Now she looking for excuse to fuck with someone else regulary in my opinion..and to stay with you in relationship and she try to make you to accept it..in my opinion she is a bitch..

[Je****]

Sounds like she is. Sounds like you also enjoy it. I think both of you need a sit down and a proper open chat about everything. See if you can come to some exciting compromise. Perhaps she likes the fantasy aspects of it creeping in, but is afraid to let out the full potential? 

Either way, I think it could be exciting for you both and wish you lots of luck with the talk, if you decide to have it.

[Du****]

February 15, Cata23 said:

So how it come in 15yrs she didn t see how is the sex with you ?
Now she looking for excuse to fuck with someone else regulary in my opinion..and to stay with you in relationship and she try to make you to accept it..in my opinion she is a bitch..

I hope you rethink your ‘opinion’, and soon. It’s inappropriate to speak about OP’s partner in this way, and such remarks are not tolerated in the kink world. Respect comes first.

[br****]

Dude you go out and buy a strapon and bring it home, then you need to get some pantyhose and put them on. Then you call your wife into the room and have your ass up in the air with the strapon next to you on the bed. You and her both will love it.